I will to do ended

Dear Congressman,

I must confess that I am deeply worried about the state of our school systems here in the USA. Not even taking into account the destruction of grammar and spelling that is unleashed by the universe of texting, even everyday correspondences are corrupted by an inability to string together a single sentence or phrase.

For example, the following email from a well meaning but poorly educated citizen showed up in my work email box this weekend.

"Dear Sir.

Since accept order ribbons via e-mail. I express heartfelt to thanks. Because, The original e-mail address XXXXXXXXXnet.net contact To connection and delivery had problems. I will to do ended use that.

We had attached other e-mail address xxx.ribbons@xxx.xxxxx.net and cccccc.xxxx,net and xxxxxxx@so-net.xxx.tw accept order ribbons. Also, Attached my website http://www.xxxxxxxx.xxx.tw visit that please.

I hope so forever to do service for you and attached new order form.

Thank you very much!"

Not wanting to past up a possible new client, I took the time to respond.

Dear xxxxxxx@so-net.xxx.tw,

I received your correspondence dated December 6, 2009. I was pleased for yourself and your prospective business that you had corrected your IT problems and were now able to accept orders going forward. However, I would be amiss if I did not point out a few problems with your email.

1. When composing business transmittals, it is deemed proper not to be drunk when writing it. I can only assume from your inability to form a single intelligible sentence that you were on the tail end of a four day bender that did not involve any sleep.

2. In most cases, ribbons are only worn by decorated veterans or pre-teen school children who have won a track and field event. I have to ask if you have taken any time to perform any analysis to see who your market demographic might be? I thought about this for a good 15 or 20 seconds and could not come up with a target audience for your "ribbons", unless you plan on starting a new fashion trend where anorextic supermodels strut the fashion runways of the world wearing nothing but multicolored ribbons and skimpy underwear.

3. With a "tw" ending to your website, that might explain your apparent drunkenness. I have to assume you have branched out to Taiwan? In that case, may I advise that next time you have one of your English speaking staff compose your business emails, rather than your business partner's son-in-law. I am sure he convinced you that he was fluent in English after your business partner's daughter begged the two of you to hire him, but, to be blunt, his ability to speak English is closer to Donald Duck then Mickey Mouse.

Again, thanks for your business offer. However, as has happened previously, when I attempted to visit your website, my computer (and the FAA computer system in Utah, for that matter) crashed quicker than a bus full of nuns on a wet road. So, see what you can do to fix that, as causing major flight delays all over the United States will not look good on my next job application.

Go bust and die trying....

Dear Congressman,

As an accountant, I occasionally get questions about whether or not it is worthwhile to buy stock of a company that has declared bankruptcy. It appears it is very tempting to individual investors when the shares of a once proud mega-giant of American industry is trading on the stock exchanges for (usually) less than a buck a share.

Which leads to my usual response.

There is a reason that it is trading for less than a buck a share. It is worthless. Zero, nil, null, nada, nothing, zip.....

Let me see if I can explain.

As a stockholder, think of yourself as standing at the edge of a cliff. Directly in front of you are unsecured creditors, with secured creditors (think bondholders and banks here) standing in front of them.

Companies can generally file two types of bankruptcy in the USA. So we have two scenarios to cover.

First is the dreaded Chapter 7, which means the company does not see any chance of recovery and is going to sell it's assets to pay off as much as it owes as possible. In this case, the attorneys for the company basically push everyone off the cliff. The people who land on top of the others will generally be uninjured and walk away with out taking a hit. This would be the bankers and the bondholders. The next layer of people would be injured in some way but still survive to fight another day. You however, the stockholder, are either killed when you hit the ground or crushed to death when everyone falls on you. You get nothing and like it....

Second is a little thing call Chapter 11. In this case, the company decides it can not possibly pay all its bills on time but thinks they can become profitable again, if only they can call time out, ditch some of there past mistakes, and then move forward like nothing happened. For a Chapter 11, the attorneys don't push everyone as hard as they do in a Chapter 7, thus the only ones who fall off the cliff are the stockholders, as their capital in the company is redistributed to everyone else in front of them. Thus, after the shove, some of the unsecured creditors and other debtors are given company stock in lieu of their prior claim, so after the dust has settled there is a whole new set of stockholders standing at the edge of the cliff. Again, lying dead at the bottom of the cliff, you get nothing and again like it....

So why do shares trade for pennies when they are in fact worthless. Guess what folks... it's basically like playing musical chairs, only at the end of the game they remove all the chairs....

When Black Friday Comes....

Dear Congressman,

Needless to say you are probably familiar with the Steely Dan song from the seventies "Black Friday". But in the last decade or two, Black Friday has been hijacked by retailers nationwide as they attempt to create a feeding frenzy of shopping sharks who increase their annual debt load while allowing the aforementioned corporations to remain solvent for another business cycle.

However, Black Friday also has other meaning besides the current one.

Back in 1869, Black Friday referred to a financial scandal that rocked the Grant administration when two wealthy gentlemen, James Fisk and Jay Gould, decided to corner the gold market to further enrich themselves, creating an asset bubble in gold the likes of which have never been seen again... until now....

In England, Black Friday is the last Friday before Christmas, when the entire population goes on a bender for a single night, making it the busiest night of the year for pubs, nightclubs, social clubs, and any other establishment that can legally or illegally supply liquor to a voraciously thirst public. The only sober group are the EMTs, who also log the most runs of any day of the year.

Another Black Friday reference is to January 13, 1939, when fires burned down nearly 2/3's of Victoria, Australia, destroying over 3,700 buildings and killing 71. This was the second largest recorded brush fire in Australian history, burning over 2 million hectares. The largest fire occured in 1851 and burned over 5 million hectares. And what was is it referred to? Yup, the Black Thursday fire... gotta give a "D" to the Auzzies for originality on that one.

Of course, Black Friday is well represented in popular culture, as Steely Dan, Megadeath, and Flogging Molly have all penned and released songs about it.

And my favorite is the 1940 film starring Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi. Even though Lugosi is listed second on the playbill and credits, he only had a small part in the film and did not appear in any scenes with Karloff, but there is no stopping those marketing geeks when they get their brain cells fired up....

Anyway, hopefully everyone had a safe and prosperous Black Friday...

Get Reel...

Dear Congressman,

I will start with first wishing you and yours a happy and healthy Thanksgiving. Now... on to today's topic.

A very popular form of entertainment among your constituents is to hop into the family automobile, head down to the local theatre, and catch the latest Hollywood release. I myself have spent untold hours pursuing this recreational assignment, usually with mixed results.

Not to criticize the Screen Writers Guild of America, but does every script have to be written so the good guys are victorious? Sometimes it stretches the realm of reality, so given that criticism I would like to present some minor additions to the end of well known films to make them more plausible.

Independence Day (1996)

Summary : This movie ends with the survivors of the US Government hiding at Area 51 and defeating a fleet of large Alien spaceships by invading the mothership in Earth's orbit, downloading a computer virus that lowers all their protective shields, and then allows other survivors around the world to shoot down the offending over sized space crafts. Also, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum escape from the mothership just before the thermonuclear device they left behind turns it into pixie dust.

Rewrite : After the spaceships are shot down and crashed into earth, there are quite a few aliens who survive. These aliens band together to form a resistance movement that is taken in by Kim Jong-il, since he has more in common with the aliens than with human life forms (see 2004's Team America, World Police). Under his protection, they rebuild advanced technology weapons that, within six months after their defeat, allow them to again attack the world's population and take over. The Democratic People's Republic of Korea becomes the Democratic Alien's Republic of the World.

It's a Wonderful Life (1946)

Summary : Most everyone is familiar with the story of George Bailey and his soul reviving brush with an angel that shows him that his life does have meaning, as the movie ends with the entire town pitching in money to save his bank from ruin due to some nitwit leaving $8000 on a park bench. The bank is saved and George Bailey lives happily ever after.

Rewrite: After the happy ending, the scene cuts to 40 years in the future. Bailey Home and Loan is now BHL, Inc, the biggest writer of sub-prime mortgages in the world. It is June 2008, and George Bailey, III is trying to convince Gordon Gecko, now that he is on parole (see 1987's Wall Street), to help him to raid another more conservative bank for their capital to write more garbage mortgages in Sacramento, CA and Ft Myers, Fl. This time collapse of Bailey's bank occurs before they can pull it off, with the bankruptcy taking down the entire US financial system with it. The movie ends with George Bailey, III quietly slips out the back of his $47 million mansion with a one way ticket to Argentina as the FBI are breaking down his door with a search and arrest warrant.

The Sting (1973)

Summary: Robert Redford and Paul Newman stage a fake bookie operation against the odds to steal half a million from a gangster, Robert Shaw, who killed their friend Luther. The story ends with a faked shootout between Newman & Redford and a fooled Shaw hustled out of the betting parlor before he got arrested. Everyone laughs and splits up the money.

Re-write : One of the minor participants in the sting gets drunk at a bar and brags about what they did to a stranger. The stranger goes to Shaw, who then hunts down the conspirators one by one, saving Redford and Newman for last. The movie ends with the duo beat to a pulp on a construction site, where they are encased in concrete while still alive and used for the cornerstone of the new Bailey Home and Loan Building....

Save the kitties...

Dear Congressman,

Saw the following story on the BBC the other day....

Cat rescue earns keeper a booking

A cat got close to the action in a top-flight match in Croatia

Goalkeeper Ivan Banovic was booked after rescuing a pitch-invading cat during a top-flight match in Croatia.

Medjimurje Cakovec's Banovic picked up the wandering feline after it strayed on to the pitch 20 minutes into his team's match at Sibenik.

He placed it safely near a scoreboard but was then booked by the referee for leaving the pitch without permission.

Media reports said the official's actions annoyed fans, who barracked him for punishing Banovic's kind deed.

They say that you learn something everyday. Today I learned that in the land of my birth, Great Britain, that the President of the United States' first name is also usable as a verb for verbal abuse..... interesting.

Also, I understand that it is a rule that the referee should give a yellow card to any player who leaves the field (pitch) without their permission, however I think the governing authorities can give some leeway...maybe like one of those famous "talking to's" complete with exaggerated hand gestures and "I am in charge" command voice, rather than reaching into the back pocket and whipping out the yellow warning card for performing a humane and civic duty.

If this is the course we are taking, where it is more important to stay between painted limestone lines rather than getting a helpless creature out of harms way, I suggest that we just issue goalkeepers a large club to keep in the back of the net, that way they can bash the offending mammal into submissions before flinging it into the crowd, thus allowing some lucky spectator the prospect of "road-kill" stew after the match...

Or not...

A Roof over our heads....

Dear Congressman,

Several months ago my roof developed a small leak that stained the ceiling in the corner of my kitchen. After checking to make sure I did not have a mold problem, I decided it was time to put a new roof on my house.

I bought my home 12 years ago, and at that time I was aware that three years before that the seller had re-tiled over the top of the original roof, thus having two layers of shingles guarding Melody and I on a nightly basis.

However, the problem comes in with the original tiles below becoming brittle and the tar paper basically dissolving into dust. Unlike a single layer, this "quick fix" will only put off the inevitable need for a replacement roof within 10 to 15 years. Alas, that time had come.

My son in law, with some financial incentive, agreed to take a three day weekend and help me to put on the roof. We went to Lowes on a Wednesday night last Wednesday and bought about $27oo of roofing materials to accomplish the job. Fortunately, as a Union Ironworker and all around handyman, he pretty much had all the tools necessary for completion of the task. Plus, we hired two of his friend to help for the weekend.

Here is what I have learned from the last three days.

1. All male high school juniors (16-17 year old) need to spend at least two weeks in during their summer vacation before either their junior or senior year stripping and then re-tiling a couple of roofs. This will guarantee that the amount of males enrolling in college or trade school multiply exponentially in attempts to avoid a lifetime of roofing or similar back-breaking work.

2. Anyone who decides to put a second layer of shingles on a roof without removing the original layer first should be required to personal get up on the roof and remove both layers single handed. It is amazing what scrapping off and then hauling to a dumpster over 2 tons of roof will do to manipulate financial decisions.

3, A law needs to be passed by Congress to require that a single bundle of shingles be cut in half so the weight of the aforementioned package is decreased from 80lbs (36.3kg) to 40lbs (18.15kg). After spending 1 1/2 days removing and hauling several tons of roofing debris and then laying down tar paper, the 1 hour session of hauling an additional ton of shingles 80lbs at a time can prove to be a life altering event.

That's about it. As I write this I am in recovery mode, however we still have about 1/2 a day of work left to finish the job, as the highest point of my house is still tar paper over plywood.

Oh, and by the way, if there is a hell, then it has a company call Lucifer's Roofers, where middle aged white executives spend all eternity roofing while supervised by hispanic immigrants who play cards all day....

Virus spotting 101

Dear Congressman,

I received the following email at work today.

-----Original Message-----
From: Customer Support
Sent: Thursday, November 19, 2009 10:17 AM
To:

Subject: payment request from "American Reprographics Company"


We recorded a payment request from "American Reprographics Company" to enable the charge of $4085.12 on your account.


The payment is pending for the moment.


If you made this transaction or if you just authorize this payment, please ignore or remove this email message. The transaction will be shown on your monthly statement as "American Reprographics Company".


If you didn't make this payment and would like to decline it, please download and install the transaction inspector module (attached to this letter).



Lets break this down, shall we?

1. "Customer Support"? This looks like a payment request. Doesn't seem right to be using technical support's favorite title when you are trying to collect a debt. Maybe change that to "Customer Service", since (as George Carlin would have phrased it) you are attempting to "service the customer".

2. No name in the To: field. As a customer, do I not mean enough to you to merit a personalized greeting? Am I just another wallet to be raided?

3. A payment request from American Repographics Company? Pretty generic stuff so far. Nice choice for a spam letter, as this is a pretty large company with offices from Miami to Seattle.

4. Pretty poorly worded opening sentence, as they are trying to let you know that "Customer Support" is omnipresent and can, at any time, charge your account for $4,805.12 for a billing that has no invoice number, no invoice date, or description of services. Now logically, if these guys could dip into your account for $4,805.12 without prior approval and actually keep the money, then they wouldn't be sending you this poorly worded email now, would they?

5. Ah... the punch line... requiring action on your part to stop them from "$4085.12ing" you to death. For your convenience and since you trust "Customer Support" so much, you simply have to open the "transaction inspector module" that is attached to the email and this mystery billing will be stricken from their books and all correspondences will cease.

The sad part is that there is a percentage of the population who is going to fall for this guise, click on the attachment to the "letter", and unleash a virus on their computer network so lethal that Bill Gates will instantaneously choke to death on a ham sandwich in his kitchen once it is installed.

It is the wicked taking advantage of the ignorant.

If for no other reason, this is why you want your kids to pay attention in school....

I just can't "Stan" it.....

Dear Congressman,

Since Afghanistan has been in the news so much with their recently rigged .... errr... fair elections, I thought it might be helpful to review some of the other countries in the region that are not quite as volatile as the land that gave us the Taliban. Here are some of the ones we never really hear about.

Maakanuplanstan - This is probably one of the most famous of the "stans", as it declared independence from Uzbekistan in late 1975 and has since replaced Islam with Simonism, or the worship of Paul Simon as the national religion. They are very tourist friendly, however there is a separatist movement of known as the Art of the Garfunkelstans, which tends to sing an octave or two higher than the Simonites but can't write a song to save their lives.

Werizwaldostan - This small and historically irrelevant country is tucked neatly in an undisclosed location that has baffled the United Nations for years, as delegates keep showing up in New York to present their credentials but wouldn't reveal where their country is on a map. During the crisis period that ensued after 911, Vice President Dick Chaney spent several months there.

Kepdownbydastan - A nice place but the inhabitants tend to be a little defensive. They will be very quick to tell you that all the other "stans" treat them a second class "stan", and the economy is supported by emigres working in the other "stans" and sending money home.

Parenttzdonntundirstan - This nation has a fairly young median age, but the council of elders that run the country keep passing a law that raises the driving age every year to keep the "youths" off the roads and menacing the other citizens. Per last session of the council, the driving age is now 54, but you can get a learners permit starting at age 42, as long as a licensed driver is in the car and you have the permission of your parents. This country holds the continuing record for the lowest birth rate in the world and the highest percentage of visa applications for residency anywhere in the world other than here.

and finally:

Custerzlasstan - The indigenous population has unique genetic traits as all the males tend to have long flowing blond hair and an inability to follow simple commands or instructions. They also tend to be very paranoid about being attacked at any time by one of the other "stans". They wear boots, too.

Dead (end) JOB....

Dear Congressman,

I recently saw this story on the AP wire and just wanted to share....

The unemployment rate may top 10 percent, but there is an opening at the University of California, Santa Cruz, for a Deadhead. The library is advertising for an archivist to handle the library's Grateful Dead collection. A master's degree in archives management is required, as is "expert knowledge in the history of and scholarship of contemporary popular music, or American vernacular culture, preferably the history and influence of the Grateful Dead.
So let's help the library with its search. What questions would you ask at the interview?


What questions would I like to ask at the interview? Hmmm..... lets take a shot at that, shall we?

1. How much weed can you smoke before it affects your work?

2. As part of the job duties, you will be required to be able to distinguish between Panama Red Brick, Southeastern Lebanon Blond Cake, Taos Vibrating Purple, and Santa Clara Brown Bonestoner hashish. How would you proceed?

3. Some of the papers in the collection may include sheets of blotter acid or left over LSD from the 1983 Bakersfield Concert in the Park. Do you have a high tolerance level for hallucinigenics and their many unusual effects?

4. Have you ever suffered from mild to moderate phases of paranoia? If not, are you open to the idea?

5. The University is not a bottomless pit of money, so would you be willing to outline your minimum caloric requirements for when you suffer from the munchies.....

6. Are you experienced with the symptoms of overdosing? In a pinch, would you be able to coach a co-worker through an ice bath and/or use a cardiac needle on them or potential yourself?

and finally

7. UC Santa Cruz promotes and encourages a drug-free work environment. Are you willing to sneak your stash into the office using orifices usually reserved for other bodily functions?

Undelayed Flights

Dear Congressman,

Since the beginning of 2009, I have personally boarded eleven different flights for various destinations, both work related and personal. As a frequent flier yourself, you are probably aware that most flights appear to be departing at full capacity, with only two of my trips having any open seats available.

But with this many people crowding onto airplanes comes the problem of on-time departures, with delays mainly being caused by weather at main hub airports (New York, Chicago, etc). Another source of delays in departure are the actual passengers themselves, as they take forever and a day to get onto the plane and plant their butts in their seats.

We have all met the person in line in front of us who arrives at their seat, looks at their ticket, looks at the seat number on the console above them, looks at the ticket again, thinks for a minute, then proceeds to scan around for an overhead slot to put the over-sized bag that they brought on the plane because they did not want to pay the bag fee. After several minutes of concentrated searching, this person finally finds the spot to put their bag, usually the last place they thought to look, which is directly over their seat, and then proceed to take another minute of bag wrestling to get it perfectly placed to their own particular demands. At this point, the person will fake a movement to their seat, turn and give you a half smile, and then proceed to spend another several minutes in the aisle while they take off their coat, fold it in a maticulous fashion, and then stow it in the overhead area as well. Finally, as if conceding to the inevitable tide of angry people winding from the row in front of them all the way up to the gate, the person finally sits down in his/her seat so everyone else can now get to their assigned area.

Normally there are only four or five of these people, but they tend to be the first people on the plane, thus backing up the rest of us like a latrine at a cheese festival. So now the plane is delayed and the majority of the passengers are pissed off, knowing that some will miss their connecting flights due to Mr/Mrs Slow Boarder Extraordinaire.Â

How do we fix it... simple... we make these people get on last, in seat number order so they do not block each other as they take their time stowing their bags and getting into their seats.

Now you ask... how do you figure to get them on the plane last?

Again, a simple solution. Most major airlines board by zone number, which allows them to spread people through the plane and get to their seats more easily. This only works well if you can eliminate the Slow Boarder Extraordinaires from the equation.

Nowadays, when boarding a plane, the gate agent will scan your ticket. I propose that the scanning of a ticket starts a timer on the seat location on the ticket. The timer is only turned off when 50lbs of pressure or more is applied to the seat listed on the ticket. The program will need logic to deduct time from people who are stuck behind the Slow Boarder, but after a few flights the airlines will be able to identify who these wasteful slugs are on a regular basis. Once they have been tagged as a habitual human flight delay machine, then they are given a "Zone 25 status"

Thus, when they get their next airplane ticket, they will be assigned boarding Zone 25.

So it would go something like this:

"I would like to announce the boarding of flight 178 to Spokane, now boarding Zone 1 only."

Five minutes later

"Now boarding Zones 1 - 4. Zones 1 - 4 only."

Ten minutes later...

"Now boarding Zones 1- 5. Boarding Zones 1 -5 at this time."

Ten minutes later...

"Final boarding call for flight 178. All Zone 25 passengers are free to board at this time....."

Pull over!!!!

Dear Congressman,

I saw this news story on the BBC, and since I am completely obsessed with driving and traffic I felt it necessary to share it with you.

Man breaks 15 laws in 11 minutes

A driver has confounded Swiss police by committing 15 traffic violations in just over 10 minutes, officials say.
The 47-year-old initially raced past an unmarked police car in heavy rain at 160 km/h (100mph) before weaving close to other cars and the road's kerb.
The serial offender clocked up further offences for speeding, driving on the hard shoulder, running a set of red lights and failing to stop for police.
When finally pulled over by St Gallen police, he failed a drugs test.
The unnamed driver, who lives near Zurich, faces a lengthy driving ban and a possible jail sentence when he appears before a Swiss court.
"I can't remember a case this serious," a police spokeswoman told the BBC of Sunday's infringement spree. "It's remarkable."


Personally, I think I saw this guy on the freeway this morning as he blazed by me at about 100 mph. I must admit that it is pretty impressive to amass 15 citations in less than a quarter of an hour. Plus, to be able to do it while higher than a homemade Colorado spaceship-like balloon is even more odds defying.

Too bad it was all during a rain storm, otherwise the footage from the Swiss police interceptors would have been fodder for the season premiere of "World's most danger police chases". The Fox network could have had a field day advertising:

(Teaser running on screen of part of chase while deep pitched voice states:)
"You'd be remiss if you missed the Swiss as he does this"

Or something like that....

End of common thought

Dear Congressman,

More poetry for quiet days at the office...


Not lacking in confidence from time immemorial

there exists a vein of thought now cold

an aging forest of moss and pine

remaining warmth fading as its borders trespassed


It houses the coats of the multitude

where talk is inexpensive and words are dear

logic is cheaply purchased and purpose is clear

sold as inclusive while remaining exclusive

but still part of those timbers contaminated by fear


And impending from above this woodland fair

comes the spark of the sky's consciousness

creating flame where there was no fire at all

inciting panic where calm had reigned tall


Bent on a course reckoned not acceptable to pursue

the fire raced through the dry rotted floor

neither tirade nor condemnation nor rhetoric nor hate

could cause this crimson crusade to abate


At the end of its course laid a path unknown

missing judgment, gossip, hatred, and temper tantrums thrown

but leaving an emptiness now missing needed filled

because the beast thou abated has not yet been killed


The fire has subsided and the fear has dimmed

but a slow terror rises through the fauna once green

the understanding is still far from multitudes of believers

as they cling to a conviction held deep but unseen


Because no matter how hard they cling to their faith

the amp does not go to eleven

the good guys are not always good

and the magnificence ended with the seven...

Pepe Le Pew goes primetime

Dear Congressman,

While you are busy on the hill trying to fight the evils of socialized medicine and preserve HMO profit margins, we are all being delighted to the never ending barrage of information unloaded on us during the network evening news broadcasts. Some of it information and some of it not....

Today's "lite" story was about a skunk that had it's head caught in a jar of Jiffy peanut butter (for the full story click here )

Now, the skunk is eventually saved by a "skunk whisperer", who dopes it up with a little bit of chloroform, yanks the jar off the skunk's head, and then steps back to avoid the potential side effects of a disoriented and extremely upset skunk.

I would be amiss if I did not take a moment to register my disappointment in the tactics used by the aforementioned skunk whisperer. While he took a good long time explaining to the camera what he was about to do, at no point in time did he attempt to communicate with the skunk. The only whispering he did was to the camera right before he snuck up on the disoriented mammal to capture it in a plastic box. Maybe he should rename his business to something like "the skunk capturer" or "the de-skunker", but if you are not willing to get face to face with a Mephitis mephitis on the one and only time you will be on network telelvision, then I would have to have to go out on a limb and say that your skunk whispering skills are a little lacking....

But hey, that's just me... the only time I approached a skunk was in California in the 80's when I thought it was the neighbor's cat. Even though I had it cornered by my front door and personally having the skunk whispering skills of a dead buffalo, I still managed to slowly back away without giving it cause to spray me, even though my hand got within a foot of it as I leaned down to pet it.....

so take that... fake skunk whispering dude....

World Cup Fever

Dear Congressman,

Today I thought I would introduce you to the exciting world of World Cup soccer qualifying. Every four years the nations of the world converge on a predetermined country (in 2010 it will be South Africa) to support the 32 national teams that will be part of the World Cup competition. However, during the two years prior to the event, teams representing all of the planet's soccer federations have been playing each other in group competitions for the right to attend the event. Between this Saturday and Wednesday, the majority of the potential European contestants will be determined.

Here is an example of this process.

Group three in Europe(UEFA) includes the Czech Republic, Northern Ireland, Poland, Slovakia, San Marino and Slovenia. In the competition, everyone plays everyone else home and away once, so there is a total of 10 games in which to qualify. If you come in first, you go to the World Cup. If you come in second, you have a play another second place group winner to see who gets to go to the World Cup.

With me so far?

Okay, we are now at a point where all the teams have played at least eight games.

I chose Group three in Europe as it is fairly straightforward. Slovakia currently leads the group and has the best chance of winning it. Slovakia will play Slovenia on Saturday and if Slovakia win or tie then they are champs of the group. Slovenia must beat Slovakia and then San Marino on Wednesday, then they would likely win the group, unless Slovakia beats Poland on Wednesday by more goals then Slovenia beats San Marino, then Slovakia would still win the Group.

Pretty straightforward, right?

Now for the play-off spot, which is slightly more complicated. Northern Ireland can mathematically still come in second, but the odds are about the same as lightning hitting the First Family's dog. If Solvenia beats Slovakia and then San Marino, then Slovakia have this spot tied up, but if Slovakia beat Solvenia, then Poland and the Czech Republic have a shot at the runner up spot. Czech Republic & Poland play each other on Saturday, so the winner is hoping for the favor from the Slovakia-Solvenia game, but if they tie then they are effectively out. If Poland wins, they need Slovenia to lose in Slovakia and then must then beat Slovakia on Wednesday by a greater margin than Slovenia beat San Marino. If the Czech Republic wins, they will control their own fate against Northern Ireland, but only if Slovenia lose to Slovakia. If Slovenia ties with Slovakia, then the Czech Republic has to beat Northern Ireland by more goals than Slovenia beat San Marino.

So there, simple... right?

Hail Cincinnatius!

Dear Congressman,

I thought it might be nice to explain to other people the idiosyncrasies of native Cincinnatians. Hopefully you are in agreement with the assumptions.

Cincinnati is divided into three zones, Eastsiders, Westsiders, and Northern Kentuckians.

Eastsiders have all the money and live in the big houses of eastern part of the metro area. They spend big money on going to broadway plays at the Arnoff Center.

Westsiders are working class, live in smaller houses, and work for the Eastsiders. They spend big money on Bengals season tickets and beer.

Northern Kentuckians are confused Eastsiders and Westsiders, as they co-mingle freely without realizing that they destroying decades of Cincinnati class structure.

Cincinnati's most famous food is Skyline Chili, a delicacy of mild chili usually served with either spaghetti & shredded cheese or with a hot dog on a bun with shredded cheese. The next most famous is Graeter's ice cream, a thick fat-filled delight that Oprah Winfrey made popular by pimping it on her show. Based on our diet, I am quite confident that local cardiac surgeons are kept quite busy performing heart bypasses, when they are not at the Arnoff Center.

It usually only snows once or twice a year in Cincinnati, but when it does it is referred to as "the white death" and sheer utter panic ensues on all major roads. All drivers appear to have forgotten how to operate a vehicle in environment since the previous year. The Arnoff Center will close but the Bengals will still play in a major snowstorm.

In Cincinnati, when a person wants someone to repeat something they just said, they do not say "excuse me" or "can you repeat that", they say "please" with rising intonation. It can be confusing if you had just said "do you want chocolate syrup on your hamburger?" or "how about a left jab to the solar plexis?".

Every year on the Sunday of Labor Day weekend, the City has a fireworks display over the Ohio River. It normally attracts over 500,000 annually and usually goes smoothly during the afternoon until 100,000 of the attendants get liquored up and aggravate the other 400,000 with their foul language and generally boorish behavior. After the fires are over, everyone tries to leave downtown at the exact same time, leading to the largest annual traffic jam in Cincinnati. During this period, everyone behind the wheel of a car swears that this will be the last fireworks they will ever attend.

Well... I think that is the highlights... if not I will revisit this topic later...

We;'re not worthy!!!

Dear Congressman,

It appears that Chicago was not successful in landing the 2016 Olympic games as the International Olympic Committee decided to give the games to Rio de Janeiro. Word on the street was that the IOC were looking to have a games in South America as it would be the first time ever.

Even Madrid failed in winning the bid, even though they were heavily lobbied by ex-IOC President Juan Antonio Samaranch, a native Spaniard.

Actually, I can understand why the Olympic Committee would want to snub their ex-boss, as he led the IOC during it's most scandal ridden period between 1980 and 1999, where it was commonly known that kissing the buttocks of the IOC members and plying them with lavish gifts was the preferred method for winning an IOC bid for the games.

Take Mr. Samaranch for example. Oh wait... I'm sorry... when Mr. Samaranch was IOC President he required everyone he met to refer to him as "your Excellency". Nothing like a little humility to lead a world class organization like the IOC. Sets are really good example for the athletes, don't you think?

Not only did Mr Excellency demand to be addressed with the utmost respect, he also expected to be treated like royalty. If you requested that Mr Excellency visit you city for any type of event or function, then you were required to provide a chauffeured limousine to pick him up. Needless to say the driver was to speak only when spoken to and better had been on time. As for overnight accommodations, you better had called around town ahead of time to make sure that the presidential Suite of the finest hotel in town was available, because that is where Mr Excellency would be staying.

And as Ronco would say... "but wait... there's more!!!"

When Mr Excellency graced your philistine event with his presence, the expectation would be that he would be the last to arrive, the first to be served if it was a dinner event, and the first to leave, with all of the above being announced to the peasants in attendance. And also make sure you briefed everyone on his title, otherwise there would be very little doubt that your city would ever be visited by Mr Excellency or an Olympic event in the immediate future.

In fact, the IOC put an annual rental retainer of $500,000 for the presidential suite at their headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland for his stays there. And you wonder why the budget to host an Olympic event is so high.

So next time you see an athlete get cocky, take a bong hit, or just do something plain stupid, remember the legacy of Mr Excellency and the fine example of behavior that he has displayed for those who follow him....

America sings!

Dear Congressman,

Back in 1969, after previously being turned down by 34 record companies, Don McLean finally signed with a company called Media Arts, and within 2 years had released his classic song "American Pie". This song has been interpreted in many different ways, but I though it might be interesting to see what it would look like if radio host Rush Limbaugh had contributed in writing it. Rush's changes are inserted in the song for your consideration:

(To the tune of American Pie)

A long long time ago
I can still remember how that music used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my show
That I could prove that liberals blow
And maybe they'd be quiet for a while
But January made me shiver
With the Democrats selling us down the river
Bad news on the doorstep
Four years of this Obama schlepp
I can remember that I cried
When I realized my party's slide
And where Obama would reside
The day the Republicans died

So, goodbye, my American Pride
Sold my chevy to fund a levy
But I'm swimming against the tide
And them good old lefty boys will laugh til they cry
Singin' Bush's reign is over, bye-bye
Let's legalize pot and get high

Did you write the new Book of Laws
And do you blindly follow just because
The Democrats told you so
Do you believe big government plans
Will Uncle Sam pay for your health care scans
And can you tell me how to stop this show
Well, I know you've been hypnotized by him
'Cause of your glossy eyes and your stupid grin
You couldn't be any pinker
Because you bought into Barrack hook, line and sinker
I'm now a lonely, middle aged republican buck
With a "W" sticker still on his pickup truck
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the Republicans died
I started singin'

Goodbye, my American Pride
Sold my chevy to fund a levy
But I'm on the wrong side
So those lefty boys shared their pot supply
Now it doesn't seem as bad since I'm high
But I could really go for a hot ham on rye....

Uncut... literally

Dear Congressman,

I was listening to a program by the BBC about the Guinness Book of World Records when I came across the info below.

Longest Fingernails – Female
WHO: Lee Redmond
WHAT: 8 m 65 cm (28 ft 4.5 in)
WHERE : Lo show dei record, Madrid, Spain
WHEN: As of 1979
Lee Redmond (USA), who has not cut her nails since 1979, has grown and carefully manicured them to reach a total length of 8.65 m (28 ft 4.5 in) as measured on the set of Lo show dei record in Madrid, Spain, on 23 February 2008.

Let me get this straight, Ms. Redmond has not cut her nails since the Jimmy Carter administration?

Wow....

A few points here,

I would send Ms. Redmond an email to congratulate her, but unless she has learned to type with her toenails (which I assume are of normal length) there is no way on earth she can get her hands near a keyboard.

And her hair looks nice and shiny, which must be due to Mr. Redmond and his magic scrubbing fingers, as there is very little chance that Ms. Redmond is able to break out the Head & Shoulders and "wash, rinse , repeat" without assistance.

Basically, any day to day task would seem to become very cumbersome, as I would think Ms. Redmond would be so worried about breaking one of her precious nails that she would not be able to hold a knife and fork, a segment of toilet paper, or a martini.

And her make-up looks pretty professionally done, I would probably bet when she is around the house she never slaps any on, otherwise there is a pretty good chance Ms. Redmond would (by now) require the use of an eyepatch.

I would also have to assume that Ms. Redmond has mastered the art of using her nose, teeth, and knuckles to work the ATM. That is if she was able to drive the car to the bank in the first place and get in and out of it.

Anyway, I think you get my point. So congrats on making the Guinness Book, Ms. Redmond. Now can I have your autograph?.........

Or not....

Fairy Tales... uncut

Dear Congressman,

While you have been in the halls of Congress fighting against socialism and all things left of center, I starting wondering about fairy tales, in particular the ones Disney made into movies. What were the sources? Did Disney stay true to the original?

Inquiring minds want to know..... Here are two examples...

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Disney version - A princess invokes a curse that on her 16th birthday she will prick her finger on a spinning wheel and die. Curse is altered to eternal sleep if cut and all spinning wheels are outlawed. Cursor leads Princess to spinning wheel on 16th birthday, Princess falls into deep sleep, and Cursor throws Prince into dungeon. Prince escapes, kisses Princess, she awakes, all happy...

Original version - Talia is cursed at birth to be killed by flax. Gets under fingernail as teenager and kills her. Is left on table where local King, hunting nearby, decides to indulge in necrophilia. Nine months later, twins are born, and trying to nurse, suck the flax out from under her fingernail and awaken her from death. He comes back, invites her to palace, where queen decides to serve the twins to him as a meal in revenge. She has the Cook feed them to him in a course of meals, then decides to throw Talia on a fire to burn her to death(again with the death thing !). King discovers this and throws Queen on the fire instead, and her servants for good measure. Before he can cook the Cook, the cook discloses that the kids are still alive and he didn't eat them. Everyone lives happily ever after.

CINDERELLA

Disney version - Beautiful daughter lives with evil stepmother and step-sisters. Gets a wish and goes to ball to meet Prince. Loses slipper running from ball. Prince searches Kingdom for her. Step-sisters try on slipper first and it doesn't fit. Fits her... happily ever after.

Original version - Zezolla (Cinderella) and nanny kill stepmother. Nanny becomes evil stepmother, complete with 6 stepdaughters. Zezolla captures fairy and gets prom clothes. Goes to many balls. Prince falls for her and has help hunt for her. She drops a piaella (1ft tall stiltlike cork-soled galoshes worn over slippers) and scared servant gives to Prince. Prince goes hunting and ends up at Zezolla's house. Stepmother has first daughter cut off big toe to fit into piaella, but blood tips off Prince. Second daughter cuts off part of her heels, but that pesky blood tips off the sharp-witted Prince one more time. Comes back and finds Zezolla. For good measure, the two foot carving step-sisters are blinded for being so jealous of their kin folk. Almost everyone lives happily ever after.

I think Disney took a few liberties in post producton... don't you?

Turn ... turn... turn... turn..... NOW!!!

Dear Congressman,

I was driving through our district this weekend when I came across a left hand turn signal with two turn lanes. Now, about twenty years ago it was pretty much unheard of to have more than one designated turn lane for a left hand turn in America. However, as populations have grown and the number of vehicles on the road exploded exponentially over the last few years, more and more intersection have the dual turning arrows of modern day efficiency glowing above the asphalt surfaces in question.

Which leads to an interesting point (at least for me it is interesting). How come no one has come up with a guide for how to figure out which lane to use? Surely there should be some statistic study that could lend direction as to what lane would have the best probability of getting you to your ultimate destination in a more timely manner.

Since I could find no such beast, I decided I would take a stab at it. Remember, the purpose of this exercise is to get you to your final destination quickest and without causing damage to your vehicle or any of the ones around you....

RULE ONE: If there is a single car in one of the lanes then use the other lane.
This one is a no-brainer, unless you have reason to be in the other lane within the next quarter mile, you can easily get over if there is light traffic.

RULE TWO: If there is a car in each lane ahead of you, avoid the lane with the "blue-hair". Willie Nelson made the song "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain" popular in the mid-seventies, but these days it should be sung as Mojo Nixon rewrote it "Blue hairs driving in my lane". With that said, I have nothing but respect for senior members of our society, but some of them drive more like Cheech and Chong then A.J. Foyt. If you are pulling up behind a car that is an older model Cadillac or Buick and you can barely see the head of the person over the back of the front seat, you are potentially situating yourself behind a "blue-hair" and have a higher than average probability of sitting through the light for two cycles when their reaction time causes the light to change back to red before you can get to it.

RULE THREE: If there is a car in each lane, avoid the lane with a older car with a temporary license plate. Pulling up behind a brand new mini-van or sedan with temporary tags instead of a license plate can serve you well, as the new car owner is always tempted to show the person next to him/her how zippy their new ride is, but when if you pull up behind a rust bucket on its last legs with a temporary tag, this probably indicates that the last time that car did zero to sixty in under thirty seconds was when Ronald Reagan could still remember to wear black shoes with a blue suit. Nine times out of ten if you pull up behind this car if will prove to be faster if you actually got out and pushed it through the intersection then if you wait for it to clear it on its own.

RULE FOUR: If there are four or five cars in one of the lanes and only one in the other, there is probably a reason for it. You could be setting yourself up to be caught behind a temp tagger or a blue-hair special, so look long and hard before making your decision on this one. However, since the advent and growth of cellular communications, sometimes this anomaly will occur due to the other drivers having more important things to do than operating their vehicles, such as gossip and/or discuss who should have been booted off the show on whatever reality TV show happened to be on television the night before.

RULE FIVE: If there are more than four vehicles in each lane, avoid the one with the large truck in it. These marvels of modern commerce might be great for keeping food in the supermarket and gas in the fuel stations, but a fully loaded truck trumps a temp tagger and a blue hair every time. They are pretty much like a Saturn Five rocket taking off, plenty fast once they got up a head of steam but snail race slow out of the gates.

Anyway, that should get the discussion started, hopefully when Congress has finally gotten past that pesky health insurance and bank regulation issues then important topics such as the one I have raised today can be debated and acted upon.....

J'aime la musique

Dear Congressman,

During the course of my work day my department occasionally receives bankruptcy notices from companies that we do business with on a day to day basis. In most cases they are chapter 11 filings, which is a methodology that allows the company to re-organize their debt structure via the bankruptcy courts and re-emerge with a lighter debt load. If this does not work, they file chapter 7, which in US Federal court (all bankruptcies are a Federal, not State matter) means that they are throwing their hands in the air, saying "uncle", and giving up the business, at which time the company assets are all sold off to pay off all the creditors to the extent that there is cash generated to do so.

So you say "thanks for the bankruptcy lesson, Rich... but why do I care?"

Because today I received a bankruptcy notice from a company that has terrorized the general public of this (and many other) countries for many, many years. The shame of the matter is that they are only filing chapter 11, which means they plan on trying to stay in business, rather than implode like a black hole, since they suck the life out of any person who is familiar with their mindless product. One could only hope that they eventually have to file as a chapter 7, though the banal services and goods they provide to the planet's population would not produce any income for the creditors of this firm. And in the same breath... shame on you for lending them money in the first place, creditors !!! For supporting this farce of business for so long and inducing migraines worldwide from dealing with their product, you deserve to lose every nickel you sank into this disgrace.

What company could be so horrible as to be such a blight on the face of humankind? That would be a little outfit called Muzak Holdings LLC. If you are not acquainted with this company, their product is commonly referred to as "elevator music". Yes, these are the hucksters that take a perfectly good song and turn them into zombie versions of themselves complete with string sections and muted horn instruments, so as not to disrupt productivity of the working public. Heaven forbid that someone actually taps their foot to a song while typing a memo. It would be the end of the world!!!!

So join me in reciting :
Muzak is broke
it must be a joke!
It isn't you say?
Well, what a great day!

A team ... a team... my kingdom for a team

Dear Congressman,

No doubt you are also in shock over the continued ability of our hometown football team, the Cincinnati Bengals, to again manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. It was proven once and for all this last Sunday that the football gods have squarely placed their deity feet on the back of the Bengals, in an endless cycle of "keeping the team down".

Except, usually in a cycle pattern, luck and fate with occasionally throw you a bone, in the form of a winning season with a playoff win or two... but not in this case. The Bengals have made the playoffs once in the last 19 years, in 2005, only to be unceremoniously dumped out by the Pittsburgh Steelers when quarterback Carson Palmer was injured on one of the first plays of the game.

And now on Sunday, while leading 7-6 with 38 seconds left in the game and the opponent Denver Broncos pinned back on their own 10 yard line, the Bengals give up what is now being called "the immaculate deflection", where a pass was batted away from the intended receiver, only to be caught by another receiver in the same general vicinity and who then ran down the field for a game winning touchdown.

I am still sick to my stomach.....

I like to describe the Bengals as having a girlfriend who constantly cheats on you. It might take a few weeks into the season before you catch on, but she will eventually break your heart, usually before the mid-point of the season.

Then you dump her for the rest of the football season, occasionally glancing at the sports highlights on the news or reading the Monday morning newspaper sports page to see how they did, but not donating any quality time to the relationship, cemented in your commitment that this time you are leaving her for good and not turning back.

And then next July, training camp opens up and you again let them back into your life, confident that this year it will be different. She has changed her ways. She will be faithful to you. She will be a winner! And then by NFL week four, the team is usually off to a 1-3 start and you have again been cheated on...

Like the shampoo bottle says... lather, rinse, repeat.....

Dude, where's my pub?

Dear Congressman,

Back in the late seventies I was a long haired teenager of sixteen and living in England, where I attended both American Community School (ACS)- Wimbledon and then ACS-Knightsbridge for my first two years of high school. Living in England allowed me to make new friends and explore the many centuries of history that were available to see on a day-to-day basis, making London one of my favorite cities in the world to this day. Plus, originally being born in the UK meant I had roots there, making it more of a family event on holidays such as Christmas, when we could visit and stay with relatives that we would normally just call with seasons greetings rather than making jolly with them.

I made many friends while attending the ACS schools, and as teenagers, you could probably guess that a favorite activity was to visit any of the numerous pubs and sample the local wares. I know... the drinking age in England is 18, you say... but it was not strictly enforced and as long as you were not too loud or causing trouble there was no problem in getting served.

One of our favorite areas to haunt was the King's Road area in Chelsea, where the World's End Pub, the Chelsea Potter, and the Chelsea Drugstore were well known to us. Of the three, you have probably heard of the Chelsea Drugstore, courtesy of the lyrics of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones. I remembered the Chelsea Drugstore as having that Austin Powers type look, with a modern exterior and equally modern settings inside. So back in 2006 when my wife and I last stayed in London, I dragged her up the King's Road on a mini-pub crawl to visit the premises.

Only I could not find it. Instead, I found this...


I was confused. It had the same strange architecture and adjoining courtyard that I remember from my high school days, but instead of serving lager and lime they are now serving Big Mac and fries. If you look closely at the front entrance on the right hand side, you will clearly see the golden arches of the McDonald's corporate logo hanging out front of the Chelsea Drugstore.

Needless to say, I was floored. This is progress? Next thing you know they will be handing out a knighthood to Mick Jagger....

Oh wait... it is Sir Mick, isn't it.

I didn't know whether to cry or buy some McDonald's stock. Maybe I should do both.

To quote the Talking Head's "If this is paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower"

Oh waiter!

Dear Congressman,

It appears that it is a tradition for the highest draft pick rookie to buy a dinner for the members of the NFL San Diego Chargers after completion of training camp.

This year it was Larry English, a player drafted from Northern Illinois who was given the honor of coughing up for a free meal for his very large and very hungry teammates. So you would think, say.. if you took your entire team to TGI Fridays that 53 people x $50 each would give you a bill of about $2,650 with a 15% tip added in... make it $3,050. A lot of money, no doubt, but since Mr. English signed a 5 year deal with an up front bonus of $20 million plus, it should not be too much of a strain on his wallet.

However, this is the National Football League, and these monster-sized eating machines can do a lot more damage to a restaurant than your normal every-day diner. One of Mr. English's teammates took a picture of the final bill and posted it on the Internet.

$ 14,508.67

Wow, that works out to $274 per player. That is an amazing feat in itself, unless the average entrée costs over $100 each, and that is not a restaurant that I have spent a lot of time inside. Even at $60 average entrée price you would still need to each 3 each per play to run up that kind of bill.

All I can say to that is .... well done, San Diego Chargers....

Can you imagine the fear generated if you are the owner of an all you can each lunch buffet and you see the San Diego Chargers team bus pull up in front of your place? In all likelihood they would consume the furniture and fixtures once they had obliterated the fully stocked buffet counters. Four visits by them and you would be filing Chapter 11 at the Federal Courthouse quicker than Rep. Joe Wilson can spot an illegal immigrant.

Corporate College defrauding 101

Dear Congressman,

Back here in the burbs of your fine constituency, we are still fighting our way through the great recession the best ways that we can. Many people have had to cut back on different entertainment venues, so the television in the corner of the room has been getting a fairly substantial workout in most households.

In fact, I had mine on this weekend and saw an interesting commercial. As usual for this time of year, it was a "back to school" ad for a major US retailer starring a college freshman and his mother as they happily equip and supply his dormitory room with items purchased directly at a discounted everyday price from the aforementioned retailer.

But it did raise a comment.

The dorm room. Wow... it was huge. I am over 20 years removed from my university days, so maybe I lack perspective. Are all dorm rooms that big nowadays? I remember dorm rooms were of a size only slightly larger than those available at Pelican Bay State Penitentiary, with just enough room for two beds and "mini-desks" for those who actually get round to studying while at school. Is this one of the shovel ready projects that the stimulus package is funding? And that window overlooking the campus. That room has almost as much glass as Schuller's Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, CA.

I'm impressed, but skeptical. If all dorm rooms were like this one, there would be no room left on campus for classrooms. Colleges would be overrun with extremely habitable but educationally challenging space constraints as all class would be held in the parking lots surrounding the campus. The Professor's Union would strike for better working conditions, as the weather forecast becomes a major consideration of their lesson planing and incidents of skin cancer goes through the roof.

All because a major retailer wanted to sell a few more linens....

This day in history

Dear Congressman,


I thought today that I would give you a brief run down on this day in history. Not that August 28 is really famous for that much, but I couldn't come up with anything else to write about, so this is it.

If you were part of the Lenape Indian tribe hanging out with your buddies at the shoreline of Poutaxat Bay in 1609, you were fairly shocked to see Henry Hudson sailing into view on the Half Moon and to eventually find out you were actually hanging out at Delaware Bay.

If you were a slave in an English colony on August 27, 1883 then you were no longer one today, as on this day slavery was banned by Parliament throughout the British Empire.

Today is a day of mourning for fans of all audio/visual media world-wide because in 1922 Queensboro Realty Company coughed up $100 to WEAF radio in New York City and then proceeded to spend 10 minutes of airtime touting the luxury of their new Hawthorne Apartment complex in the first commercial ever. The world has never been the same since.

Manuel Laureano Rodriguez Sanchez, aka Manolete, was considered one of Spain's greatest bullfighters of all time. But as Paul Gleason's character in the movie "The Breakfast Club" so aptly stated "You mess with the bull, you get the horns" came to pass for Manolete in Linares,Spain on this day in 1947 when, after defeating one bull earlier in the day, the second bullfight did not go as planned. Manolete managed to thrust his sword deep into the bull for the "estocada" to end the fight, however the bull had other ideas and before dying decided to implant a horn deeply into the bullfighter's right thigh, causing him to die later that day from the severe loss of blood that ensued. Final score: Manolete 2, Bulls 1.

In 1972, it was man-style to wear tight swimsuits, a large bushy mustache and to be able to swim fast, as Mark Spitz did all three to win his first gold medal in the 200 meter butterfly. Mark went on to win 6 more gold medals in Munich that year, and then went on to make millions pimping everything from Wheaties to razors to milk. It is unknown whether or not he has ever taken a bong hit, however....

John W. Hinkley was in court on this day in 1981, as the United States Justice system and the rest of the planet were rather interested as to why he thought Jodi Foster would be impressed with him if he tried to pump Ronald Reagan full of lead. Ronnie survived, Jodi moved on, and John pleaded not guilty, to which he eventually was found not guilty, but was awarded lifetime room and board in a white padded room as his reward.

And tragically, if you are a fan of airshows, this was not the day to be at one in 1988 in Ramstein, Germany as an Italian Air Force jet collided with 2 other jets while performing a flyby stunt. All three jets crashed and killed there pilots, with one of them careening into the crowd, killing 67 of them and injuring over 300, mainly due to burns caused by the aviation fuel. Yikes!

Poems from the dark side

Dear Congressman,

I think I have finally learned to rhyme .... sort of....

Angst for a moment lost

Ignoring the drugs that killed Elvis
and a diagnosis of many things flawed
I attempt to articulate feelings
but am mute, self contained, and a fraud

"I am not heartless and cold"
is the shrill echoing off my distant mental playground
the only true audience to my pain
is the self loathing in which I am attempting to drown

But I can only stare in awe
enamored by your calm and inner peace
as all around me are anxiety and fear
as I plead that you will be my release

It was not to be that time
nor every, if history lends guide
And I dismount the emotional ramparts I erected
and curse an opportunity denied

Suffering anew a wound once patched
I encounter it's venom claw at my spine
awakened from the time coma
and back for awhile, I am resigned

It must be love

Dear Congressman,

Recently I received the following email that I believe is going to change my life forever.

It read as follows:

Hello my friend!!!
This letter arrived to you from Russian Internet dating agency " Land of Love ".
This is not spam or other bad things. So, please, answer to me!!!
My name is Alisa. I'm 27 years old from Neya, Russia.
I have decided to change my life, and to find the man for me. The man for serious attitudes.
I addressed to agency " Land of Love " and they sent my letter to you.
I want to search man from USA for friendship or love.
I very much like the country USA, and I very much wish to visit this great country.
I'm not married and have no children.
This is my photo. I hope that you like it and will answer to me.

Please, answer only to my personal e-mail:

Best regards,
Yours Alisa.

This was my reply....

Dear Alisa,

Hello yourself!!! I must say I did not expect your email, as I don't remember sending any information to the Russian Internet dating agency "Land of Love". Are you sure it wasn't from the "Ugly, obese, unpleasant, American Sexist Pigs looking for hot, young, ignorant, foreign women to exploit Agency", because I am a card carrying member of that fine organization. But hey, maybe it just translate differently into Russian than into English.

I am glad to hear that this is not "spam or other bad things". I am so tired of other bad things occurring, but since my court appointed attorney told me not to speak about them until after the trial is finished, I will not go into any detail here.

I think I might be the man you are looking for, as I have been told on many occasions that I have a serious attitude problem, so this fits right in with your search for "serious attitudes".

As for "searching man from USA for friendship and love", I am sure that when we meet you will find that I fit this criteria as well, because due to my 450+ lb size it would take you a considerable amount of time to find anything on me due to the folds of fat tissue all over my body. Think of the fund we can have while you try!!!!

I must ask, however, that you resend the picture that was attached to the email. For some reason I cannot get it to open properly, as my computer crashed all three times I tried.

But I truly believe that we are meant to be together, because within a day of each crash someone has charged several thousand dollars to my credit card at a bar in ... guess where!... Moscow, Russia!!! If that is not a sign from the heavens that we are destined for each other than I don't know what is....

Anyway, please forward a new picture and write back soon.

Regards and looking forward to fun times together,

Reginald Snerd

For more information, dial...

Dear Congressman,

This weekend my wife and I decided to drive into central Kentucky and go hiking at Natural Bridge State Park. It is only about 2 1/2 hours drive from Cincinnati and this time of year it is beautiful with the many shades of green that nature provides as scenery. However, a couple of notes:

The last 40 miles to the park are traveled on the Bluegrass Memorial Parkway, which until recently was titled Kentucky State Route 402. This leads to the question... why the name change to include "Memorial"? Did all the bluegrass in Kentucky die and no one bothered to make a press release? As Kentucky is the "Bluegrass State", I think it would have been headline news in the local papers if this was the case, but not word one when I googled it.

Also, on three separate occasions we came across a sign before a bridge announcing that we were crossing the Red River. Now the first two times I saw the sign I thought "gee... quite a winding river!". But the third time in 10 miles I start to think. "Okay, they must be different rivers and the inhabitants of this county are so unoriginal that they named every creek, brook, stream, or puddle the "Red River". Fortunately, we arrived at our exit before a fourth occurrence of the "Red River" phenomena, otherwise I would have started to question my own sanity.

Lastly, they had numerous signs on the highway that boasted you could tune to a certain AM wavelength for traffic and/or tourist information. I would be exaggerating if I said I saw more than 30 cars during the entire 40 miles on the "Bluegrass Memorial Parkway". As I did not tune into the information on this AM station I can only imagine what they would be reporting on, but hey, it's my blog, so here is my best guess.

(sound of background static normally association with AM radio)
Hi travelers and welcome to Parkway radio, your guide to the pathway to the Kentucky Natural Bridge and destinations beyond. I'm Ranger Smith and first up is Bob Meeker with the daily buzzard report. Bob?

(voice in a barely understandable local drawl) Hey Ranger, the last report shows a large group hovering near the intersection of Rabid Raccoon Run and Possum Tail Trail so I gotta figure there's somethin' dead in the area. Back to you.

Thanks Bob, and now it is time for "Cookin' with Cooki". What's today's dish Cooki?

(voice in a barely understandable female local drawl) Well bless you, Ranger Smith and say hello to that wonderful mama of yours for me when you go home tonight! As for today's dish, I just got off the phone with Joe Beau Bob and he beat the buzzards to the roadkill that Bob Meeker was tracking so it looks like we'll be serving Pooch Pie Stew tonight at the diner. Come on down and have a bowl while we got it! Oh, yeah, and condolences to Jenni Mae on the loss of her beloved pet bloodhound "George". Back to you, dear.

Thanks Cooki. Sounds like good eatin' tonight at the Bucksnort Diner!

Recession poetry

Dear Congressman,

A short poem for your unfortunate constituents...


“Have a seat”
I sat in silence
“Do you know why you are here”
I shook my head
“There’s no easy way to say this”
I worried
“We have to let you go”
I panicked
“You’ll get severance”
I sighed
“Today is your last day”
I cried
"We very sorry"
I doubted
"If there is anything we can do"
I asked
"I'll check with Human Resources"
I rolled my eyes
"Someone will be escorting you out"
I bristled
"If there were any other way"
I was skeptical
"Good luck"
I need it.

You can call me Al

Dear Congressman,

Today we should discuss a topic that seems to divide our country into camps of believers and non-believers, each stuck fast in their own view of the world and unable or unwilling to listen to the views of outside parties. The topic causes people to vehemently fight over who is speaking the truth and who is an ungainly heretic who will burn in hell for all eternity for speaking such nonsense.

I am speaking of course about "global warming".

Actually, global warming is the term we use here in America, but is probably a misnomer. In listening to the BBC World Service, I have noticed that the European term for this debated phenomina is "climate change". If we think about it, this probably is a better term, as there are continually streams of people who love to point out that all of this future doom and gloom business is bunk.

I watched Al Gore's movie "An Inconvient Truth" several years ago and came away finding it informative but, how would you say, a bit sensational. I felt like if his vision of the future of the planet came to be that I could stop using my oven, as I could very easily flash fry my veggies on the sidewalk outside my house using a wok.

But one thing did stick with me from his message. The amount of carbon in the atmosphere has increased significantly since the start of the industrial revolution. This is something that is measurable and verifiable.

So the question would be: what will be the ultimate effect of all this extra carbon? Will we get a greenhouse effect and work on our tans? Or will Mother Nature use reverse pschology and plunge us into the next ice age? Or will the weather just become more extreme? Or... will it be a status quo?

Many claim that the extra carbon is heating up the atmosphere in a kind of greenhouse effect. I have been in a greenhouse or two, but they don't really compare to the atmosphere of an entire planet.

However, I do know is that sticking your head in the sand is not an answer, even if you don't think there is a question.

Please consult a physician

Dear Congressman,

Sorry about my recent absence from the blog, but between work and probate I had to take a few weeks off to catch up on life activities. Now back to the blog...

I am sure in D.C. when you are done stonewalling health care crazed democrats and tolerating ex-politicians turned grinning lobbyists you occasionally kick back in the office with a cold brew and a smoke while turning on the mindless drool-inducing content of television. And if you pay attention to the commercials there will invariably be a local doctor running his/her low budget commercial for his/her medical practice.

There is one ad that runs here in Cincinnati on a regular basis where the doctor in question talks about his qualifications, wearing that all calming white smock matched with an unnerving smile. I will not mention his name or specialty, as in today's litigious society I have no wish to spend money on a lawyer to defend my right to free speech, but this doctor has one characteristic that will ensure that I will never have need of his services (yes, he is a he)

In a nutshell, the doctor looks he could be either Siegfried or Roy. I personally am a Marcus Welby, MD kind of patient, wanting my doctor to look like he has had years of experience to impart wisdom but not so old as to argue with me about the benefits of bloodletting. However, I draw the line at having someone stand over me with a scalpel while I am drifting into an drug induced comatose state who sports a "business in the front, party in the back" hairdo and sounds like a poorman's Arnold, all the while being unsettled by the sound of tigers roaring just outside the door to the surgical suite.

Maybe I am just picky, but would you want to be operated on by a doctor who drums up business by running ads during The Simpsons or Southpark?

12 Rules of Employee Relations by Leona Hemsley (Part 2)

Dear Congressman,

I realize you have been waiting at the edge of your chair for the second part of the list, so ... here it is.


7. Do not retaliate against employees who communicate harassment / discrimination / whistleblower concerns. Yes, even little old me has trouble with this one, but it is much more satisfying to have the lawyers counter-sue the rat fink so their legal fees leave them heating ramen noodles on a camping stove under the downtown overpass, rather than the few moments of glee that comes when security throwing them out on the sidewalk. Eventually, you can fire them for cause because they are showing up late and smelling like Pepe la Pew's nephew, and then have a security guard on loan from the WWE throw them out of the building.

8. Conduct true and complete performance evaluations. If is patently unfair to the sniveling suck-ups underneath you to not let them know that they are in fact human versions of lice. And do this in an oral setting, as for some unknown reason if you write anything down someone might have the actual audacity and gall to ask you for a raise. The nerve of some people!

9. Consistent and prompt disciplinary actions. Since my attorney has again reminded me that physical disciplining of employees is problematic, I will reluctantly state for the record that though slower acting, verbal disciplining can also be effective in controlling the incompetent miscreants you have been forced to hire. Make sure you intermix a calm smiling demeanor every now and then when dressing them down, as this will keep them off guard and unprepared for the next shouting session. Also, when disciplining, make sure you are shouting within three to six inches of their face, as the invasion of their personal space tends to make them more uncomfortable then a mortgage salesman in church...

10. Be an active vs. reative supervisor. Another good management point. Don't wait for something obvious to happen to get up in the inferior flunky's face. Be creative and find that spot on their tie, smudge on the morning paper, or even a pimple that they did not manage to cover up with makeup, and then let them know what it is like to fail miserably at even the most menial of tasks.

11. Provide competivite rates and benefits. I know this is difficult, but you will not succeed without doing this. It is a fact of life in business so you must suck it up and do it! By doing this I rarely ever get complaints from customers that they did not get value for their money. So make sure you are not being undercut by your competition down the street, and set your hotel rates at a price that still says classy but doesn't send the upper middle class customer running away. Plus you can just make up the difference by severely underpaying your staff.

12. Reductions in Force : My favorite event. Have fun with this one, as it the only time with any certainty that you will see grown men cry. One of my favorites is to line up the employees like soldiers and slowly walk up and down the line holding the pink slips. (And yes, for this occasion I will have them printed in pink.) After two or three times up and down the line start handing them out. A nice technique is to hand out two in a row, watch them walk off sobbing, and then skip several people and hand out two more. Then turn around and go back to the ones you skipped and lower the hammer on them. Tears o' plenty!

12 Rules of Employee Relations by Leona Hemsley (Part 1)

Dear Congressman,

Recently with the passing of the hotel magnate, Leona Hemsley, it was discovered in her personal papers a guide she had written (presumably in blood) for her managers on employee relations. As you have a fairly big staff yourself, I thought it would be helpful to see what insight Ms. Hemsley had on this delicate issue.

1. Foster a good relationship with your employees: And oh how loyal they will be! Simply remember to let them know on a regular basis just how you feel about their performance, from their complete lack of class to their slovenly appearance to their inability to complete tasks that a chimpanzee could do in it's sleep.

2. Listen Listen Listen : This is the line you should use when addressing them, since most of the time your inferiors do not seem to grasp this simple command. For example, when you told them to make sure the roses in the vases next to the check in desk were all the same height, you did not say 1/2 or 1/4 inch different, you said the same height. You can never scream this at your dim-witted workers enough, unless they are deaf, and then you need to have someone make you a large card you can put in their face.

Wait a minute? I hired a deaf person??? I'll be back after I talk to that worthless HR director downstairs....

3. Provide Feedback : This can be done using simple and direct phrases that the uneducated and ignorant worker can comprehend. I find that "you suck", "somewhere there must be a village wondering where it's idiot is", and "did you mommy and daddy have any children that actually survived?" are effect feedback comments that allow the worker to truly understand their place in the company hierarchy.

4. Problem Solve: I do this one on a daily basis. Here's a simple rule to make sure problems get solved before they get to you. If an employee comes to you with a problem that is not already solved to your satisfaction, fire them. Simple... direct... and never fails to bring a ray of sunshine into an otherwise drab day. Plus you don't have to give that lay-about ex-employee any more of your hard earned money anymore, do you? Hell, you might as well just give it to the government instead. (as per my attorney has advised I do in the future)

5. Enforce your workplace harassment/discrimination policy: Because the sooner they get use to it the better. If they start to think they are being singled out then they also start to fill their feeble brains with the idea that they can quit, hire some two-bit lawyer, and try to dip their hand in your pocket. No way, I say! Treat everyone like dirt, even if you like them. If you treat everyone like shoe lint then you are not harassing or discriminating against anyone. That is just the rules of the house. Trust me, you'll thank me for this one!

6. Avoid knee jerk reactions to workplace complaints: Whereas it is a great release to shout, scream, and generally eviscerate a mindless ignoramus who allows the tea to slosh onto the saucer while serving, it is best not to demonstrate this attribute in front of the customers, because history has shown that the customers might be dim-witted, pinko-commie liberals who would start screaming for workers rights if they stumbled upon a beehive or a termite mound. No, it is best to wait until you are in an area that is out of earshot of those pesky customers, maybe right in the middle of his dullard co-workers, and then cut loose on him like a pit bull after a pork chop!

Ye Olde Job Faire

Dear Congressman,

A pretty good indication of the difficulties surrounding the economy in our local area is best demonstrated by one of the local paper's business headlines:

WILMINGTON - The 20th Annual Ohio Renaissance Festival holds a job fair noon-3 p.m. Saturday and Sunday at the festival office located at 317 Brimstone Road.

Organizers are looking for part-time workers to sell food, beverages, souvenirs and operate games. No experience is required.

Applicants must be available for a dress rehearsal Aug. 29 and 30 and work all festival weekends from Sept. 5 to Oct. 25, including Labor Day.

For information, visit www.renfestival.com/employment, or call 513-897-7000.

Normally, I would expect to see someone along the lines of General Electric winning an engine order or even a small manufacturing company moving in into the Cincinnati suburbs and creating 100 local jobs. But bannering part time work at the renaissance festival? Isn't that where the "free credit report.com" band ended up working?

One other thing, there is a minimum requirement to work these things. You must be able to demonstrate that you can replicate an English accent almost as badly as the classic botch cockney accent job performed by Dick Van Dyke in the film "Mary Poppins". If not, then they shove a turkey drumstick in your left hand and require you to make pirate-like sounds as you prance around in green tights and generally annoy the visiting public.

Rather than hiring all these extra cast members, I have a better idea to increase the gate for the event. Want to have a large crowd at the Renaissance festival? Simple, as George Carlin would have recommended, just have a daily Spanish Inquisition tent that the unluckiest participant is then sacrificed in the nightly "burn the heretic" bonfire. Attendance would quadruple, guaranteed!

Thank you sir, may I have another F-22!

Dear Congressman,

I read last week that the Senate had voted to remove a $1.75 billion clause from the defense bill to strip funding for 7 additional F-22 advanced fighter planes. This was done in part due to the lobbying of the President and a threat to veto the entire defense bill if it was not done. The defense secretary, Robert Gates, and the Pentagon top brass had requested they be removed as they were superfluous to current military requirements.

But since this program supplies a boat load of jobs to a large group of states, and the defense lobbyists worked overtime on this, many Senators were pushing for it to stay in the bill.

My favorite would have to be Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia. To quote from his speech on the floor of the Senate in regards to the Department of Defense's request to have the order for the additional aircraft removed from the bill:

"So to come here and say that, well, DOD didn't request any F-22's and therefore we are to salute and go marching on is something we've never done, we did not do in this bill and we should not have done."

I'm having just a little trouble understanding what the honorable Senator from Georgia's point is. My first thought was that Sen. Chambliss is of the opinion that his capable staff is more in tune with the future needs and requirements of the United States military then the 23,000 people who work at the Pentagon. If so, that is one heck of a staff that Senator Chambliss has put together and should be recruited to consult on other urgent matters, like fixing my 401(k) or cleaning up public restrooms in all gas stations on freeway offramps....

Another school of thought is that Sen. Chambliss is simply stating that as a US Senator he is not subject to the wishes of any other department and they are not entitled to tell him how and why to spend the US taxpayers money. Think of it like this: you walk into the ice cream store, ask for a scoop of chocolate, and then are told by the manager of the store that he decides who gets what, and instead gives you a cone of butternut. A sort of Seinfeld "Soup Nazi" of politics.....


Or the final theory, maybe there is a more local motive for Sen. Chambliss to defend these unwanted aircraft. When I perused the web pages of Lockheed Martin, the builder of the F-22, I found the following information.

Marietta, Georgia
The company’s site in Marietta, Ga., is home to the C-130J Super Hercules transport and the F-22 Raptor air dominance fighter.

So with that knowledge, I think Sen. Chambliss really meant to say the following:

"So to come here and say that, well, DOD didn't request any F-22's that are built in my state by voting taxpayers is something I've never done, I did not do in this bill and unless I want to get voted out of office, will never do..."

More Boston ....

Dear Congressman,

Since I leave for Boston tomorrow, here are a few more fun facts courtesy of Boston.com. Well, parts of the comments are from Boston.com.

Everyone knows about the Boston Tea Party and Paul Revere. There are a few guys in eastern China who have read about them at the library once.

But did you know that Boston is home to the country's first public school? School lunch ladies all across America salute you, Boston!

Check out these interesting facts about Boston that you might not learn from your tour guide. Why, are they instructed to hold back the good stuff?

From 1659 to 1681, it was against the law to celebrate Christmas in Boston because the pilgrims thought it was debauched. Instead of now, which it is pretty much just crass commercialism with only a little debauchery mixed in.

Logan International Airport is built almost entirely on top of land that, before a landfill project, used to be Boston Harbor. So, before it was Logan, it was land called Boston Harbor? Boy, that's confusing. Why wasn't it simply called Bostonland?

If you don't include college students, only about 600,000 people reside in Boston. Why not include college students? I know they can be a bit irritating, what with all the binge drinking and loud music, but last time I checked they were included in the US census.

The average price for a bowl of New England clam chowder in Boston restaurants is $4.40. Another $2.50 if you want a spoon and $3.75 for a bowl ....

Nearly 70 percent of housing units in Boston are occupied by renters rather than owners. And let me guess, all of them are maintained perfectly and the renters are all solid citizens, or at a minimum they are rented to all those college students I keep hearing about.

A two-bedroom apartment in Boston costs $1,343/month, on average. Them is some pretty affluent college students living in them apartments.

At 90 feet below the surface, the Ted Williams Tunnel is the deepest in North America. Did they bury him in it? Except of course his head, which is in a cryonics chamber in an undisclosed location, probably near Dick Chaney's undisclosed location.

Before a landfill project started in 1857, the Back Bay area of Boston was a 570 acre body of water. And tea, no doubt....

Only 34 of Boston's 840 restaurants serve fast food. The rest take their sweet time to get around to serving it to you, because their employees are all disinterested college students.

About 250,000 college students live in Boston. Again with the freakin college students. I am beginning to think the author of these fun facts goes fishing for co-eds on the weekend...

The Big Dig created about 80 miles of underground lanes in a 7.5-mile corridor. And if my math is right, for 1 mile of Big Dig costing $275,000,000, you could rent the average apartment at $1,343 a month for about 17,000 years....

More than 18 million people visit Boston every year. Probably to gawk at the 250,000 college students.

In the fall and spring of 2002, the Boston Parks and Recreation Department planted 622 trees citywide. A little suggestion here, if you had planted 63 trees a year for 10 years you probably would have saved on all the overtime pay...

March 10, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the very first phone call in history from his Boston machine shop. The call was to his assistant, Thomas A. Watson, in which Bell chimed, from down the hall, "Watson come here, I want you!" And the next time he made a call, the Boston city government had already figured out a way to tax it!

So now that I have fully dissed Boston, I will have to visit and see if I have to eat my words!