Reality shows I'd like to see

Dear Congressman,

Since you have been busy fighting off the hordes of lobbyists and liberal congressman currently roving the halls of the House, you are probably unaware that a "reality TV" craze has taken over the programming of America's networks. Everyone from singers to models to chiefs to starving people on Islands are being deprived of sleep, fed endless streams of coffee, and then set loose at each other like wolverines on hallucinogenic drugs.

However, even with the countless hours network producers have spent reviewing pilots for these programs, there are still holes in the cultural void that could be filled with just a little extra creativity and tweaking of the current crop of programming that is inundating our airwaves, cable lines, and satellite dishes. As usual, I have some examples of potential shows that will spruce up the barren TV landscape. The only caveat is that due to the violent nature of most of this programming, it might be better to put the kids to bed before turning these on.

Meso-American Idol - Along the same concept of American Idol or England's Pop Idol, except instead of the usual narcissistic panel of judges there is a representative of the Inca, Aztec, and Mayan cultures in full regalia. They really don't even need to speak English, but what they do need to be able to do is follow the direction of the voting crowd, because in this contest if you get the boot from the show then you are ritually scarificed to whichever god the panel deems the neediest that evening. The show will be aired live from San Francisco, because.. well... that is where the losing contestant will leave their heart when it is cut from their chest at the end of the show, with the rest of the contestants chanting in the background with a nice view of the Golden Gate Bridge behind.

Dancing with the Stars and Wolves - Again, not that different from the current show where has-been actors, athletes, and wannabes whose agent managed to get them on the show compete with a semi-professional dancer to charm the hearts of the judges and TV sets all over America. This version however is hosted by Kevin Costner, who mumbles the weekly results live on the air before announcing who came in last place. Extra time is allotted to recapture the last place couple due to the fact anyone with half a brain already made a run for it when they realized they might lose, culminating in the final segment when they are forced into an arena with a pack of wolves that's last meal was last week's losing couple. The most common dance steps in this segment are the sprint, the wolf-kick shuffle, and the fetal position.

Survivor - Big Brother edition - A combination of two audience favorites. Contestants are removed from society and placed into a reenactment of George Orwell's 1984, complete with constant spying on all activities. This one involves audience participation as the viewers star as the "Thought Police", judging which contestants have committed the worst "thoughtcrimes" and then giggling with glee when a confession is extracted using government approved techniques, such as waterboarding and sleep deprevation, with the contestant so mentally destroyed that each week ends with them leaving the set with a blank look on their face and a new set of unisex clothing in their arms....

The Amazing Taste/ Top Drop Chef - This is a back to back show from two different perspectives. The first half hour has couples competing to navigate around the South Pacific island of Polanouana Hue, fighting off lizards the size of checked baggage, snakes longer than the list of Cher's former boyfriends, and poisonous insects bigger than an average AIG bonus check. And as a final touch, the losing couple never makes it to the finish line, as they are captured by the natives of Polanouana Hue, the cannibals of the Gannaeet Hue tribe. This leads nicely into the next half hour, where up and coming chefs in the tribe compete with each other to create the most creative and flavorful dishes from the two losers of the first half hour.

Roger and me

Dear Congressman,

Since I will be leaving for England in the next few days to scatter my mothers ashes on her brother's farm near Sherborne, Dorset, I thought it would be appropriate if I blogged today about something British.

So today it is Roger Bannister, the first person to run a mile in under 4 minutes. Sir Roger managed to accomplish this feat on May 6, 1954 when you were about 5 years old. This achievement was accompanied by a very famous photograph of him crossing the finish line at Oxford University's track. However, there are a few unusual points to ponder on this photograph.


First of all, look at the gentleman kneeling to the house right/stage left of Mr. Bannister as he approaches the finish line. Looking at his pose, one would have to assume that either he has the worst toothache on the planet flaring up and is too busy massaging his gums to view this historic event or he has stepped straight out of a DeLorean (for the "Back to the Future fans) or a Tardis (for the Dr. Who devotees) because he looks to be holding a cell/mobile phone and is calling in the story to scoop everyone else there scribbling on note pads.

The more interesting individual is the one directly behind him. If you look closely you will observe that he is wielding a sword and letting out a yell at the same time. My guess is he is assisting a Japanese exchange student as his second in a seppuku ritual, as the Japanese student was failing his Medieval English literature class and did not want to return to Japan dishonored. Either that or it was part of standard 1950's English celebrations that included large amounts of alcohol followed by indiscrimitate sword swinging among large masses of people. However, this scenario tends to be very unfavorable to the health of the general public and probably would have been just as big of a headline as Sir Roger's feat.

As for Sir Roger Bannister, he went on to go to medical school and become an accomplished neurologist, which his forty year body of work in clinical research in this area he still considers a greater achievement than running fast as a young man.

Required hydrocarbon "pit" fires

Dear Congressman,

I am sure that you read the title of today's blog and thought to yourself: "what has Rich been smoking now?".

To reassure you, absolutely nothing, unlike yourself and that nasty chain smoking habit we would all like to see you end before it ends you.

but I digress....

Here at the airport our Fire Department, known as ARFF (Aircraft Rescue & Fire Fighting), is required at least once a year to train at our on-site simulator in a "live fire" equivalent exercise. I was fortunate enough in 2007 to witness one of these drills by ARFF as part of our on-going management training. Though standing a good 200 yards from the burning aircraft simulator while the exercise was in progress, I could still feel the heat coming off of it just as if I was standing right next to a bonfire. The fire pit is located close to our central north-south runway, so it was quite amusing to watch taxing aircraft go by with a face glued to every window as a raging fire was engulfing the training pit.

As part of this exercise, the assistant fire chief told us an interesting story. First, when the pit was first designed and training began with it last decade, they used a training fuel that burned hotter than but with the same consistency of "Jet A". This proved to be problematic in two areas.

The first was a functional area. When the department engaged in the drill wearing their fire suits, everything was going to plan in terms of the design of the practice session, until the heat of the fire melted their radios. Previous training fuels had not burned this hot, so while they were performing the sweep of the simulator they lost communications with the fire chief because their radios literally melted to the side of their fire suits.

The second proved to be political. The fuel that was being used at the time had a tendency to form thick black smoke that on a windless day would form a funnel straight up into the sky. It appears one of the first times this fuel was used was on Earth Day, right as the mayor of Cincinnati was giving a press conference from the top of the Carew Tower . As they filmed the mayor extolling the strides Cincinnati was taking to becoming a greener city, a large flume of black polluting smoke was rising from the airport over her shoulder, giving a nice visual to all the local networks.

Needless to say, now we notify the City of Cincinnati the day before we perform any live fire exercises. I only bring this up because next week, if you travel through CVG, don't be surprised if you see black smoke coming from the airport as the annual required drills are performed.

Translations

Dear Congressman,

I was watching CNBC the other day when a financial "talking head" make the following statement defending a company that was being questioned by a shareholder for their bonus policy and questionable business decisions:

"Well, at the end of the day they are the owners of the your money."

Interesting point... so the company is sticking a flag in your stock certificates and claiming divine sovereignty over your holdings? A modern day Hernán Cortés grabbing the cash from the helpless Aztec shareholders and claiming it for Spain?

He probably did not mean it the way it sounded, but that leads me to the next bone of contention. In business today, there are "code words" that mean one thing to one party and a whole different meaning to another. Allow me to give you a few examples:

"Valued customer" - when you see this on a letter from a company addressed to you ("the general public") this might be interpreted as a term of affection. It is not. This readily translates to the words "sucker" and "mark". Any time you see theses words, get ready to grab your wallet before it is emptied for you.

"Customer service number" - Companies love to tout their commitment to customer service, but just try calling the handy toll free telephone number that is printed right after this friendly and inviting term. Surprise!!! An automated voice system, that directs you through a maze of options so complex that if you dug deep enough through it you might find Jack Nicholson frozen in a corner holding an axe somewhere in there. And if you do manage to get through to a living person, don't be surprised if they can't stop yawning due to the time difference between you and the Indian subcontinent.

"Money back guarantee" - usually entails calling the "customer service number" with predictable results. Most people tend to miss the fine print that states "fully refundable only during a verified snow storm in the Sahara desert and to be paid in Albanian leks".

"Supplies limited, act now" - I personally tend to run in the other direction when I hear these words. What it really means is they have so much of this item that, after everyone at the company trying to sell it to you has had their fill of it, they desperately need to dump the remaining inventory on the unsuspecting general public. It goes without saying that when you also see the words "limited edition" there are probably more copies available then Imelda Marcos' shoe inventory.

and finally,

Walmart's tagline "Save money, live better"- I think I have mentioned this one before, but this still really creeps me out due to its Orwellian nature. That slogan is definitely a "doubleplusungood" if I have ever seen one....

The lost Elvis Presley twitters

Dear Congressman,

It appears twitter has been around longer than any of us ever thought. In fact, someone recently dug up twitters from the archives in the basement of Graceland in Memphis, Tennessee. Alledgedly they were in a box marked "Elvis personal correspondence" underneath a stack of white rhinestone lined jumpsuits and a 31 year old peanut butter and banana sandwich. Lets review some of the hightlights, shall we?

September 9, 1956
Man, that Ed Sulliman is one ugly dude. Could do with a breath mint too....

January 6, 1957
I gotta do that Ed Sulliman business again. Gonna film from the waist up cause Col Tom said camera lens is cracked on the bottom... whatever...

December 20, 1957
Damn... got my draft notice... thought Col Tom was gonna get me out of that gig...

October 3, 1958
In Germany now... how come everyone knows my name but can't speak a damn word of English?

November 5, 1958
Army pal gave me a handful of pills... man them suckers get your heart going...

November 7, 1958
Still waiting for my heart to slow down

November 10, 1958
Finally got some sleep last night.... better get some more of them pills...

March 5, 1960
Officially out of the army today. Now where am I gonna find some more of them pills?

August 28, 1965
Met the Beatles yesterday. They didn't have any pills either...

June 6, 1968
Performed live for the first time in ages. Damn, that black leather was tight...

September 26, 1968
Good news. Got a new doc who gets me the pills any time I want...

December 21, 1972
Met with Nixon today. Man that guy needs a breath mint...

January 13, 1974
Fired up the jet and flew from Graceland to LA for a Tommy burger.

January 14, 1974
Man those burgers are good. Did it again today...

January 16, 1974
One more time to Tommy burger... running low on them pills again...

March 21, 1976
Gonna fire my jump-suit tailor... these things keep shrinking in the wash.. can't fit in any of 'em

August 17, 1977
Running low on them pills again... hold on.. gotta hit the can...

Harrison family reunion

Dear Congressman,

You must excuse me today as I take care of some personal business on the blog.

Harrison signs new contract with Steelers

PITTSBURGH (AP)—James Harrison isn’t one of the NFL’s biggest bargains any longer.

The Pittsburgh Steelers outside linebacker reached terms Monday on a $51.75 million, six-year contract that will make him the second highest-paid player in franchise history.

The contract set to be announced Tuesday will pay the NFL Defensive Player of the Year a guaranteed $20 million—more than any other player in team history except Ben Roethlisberger.

Dear long lost brother James,

I realize this will come as a shock but I have been searching for you since I found out you were in fact my brother! I know you have 13 other siblings, but I have always thought of myself as your twin. Ergo, I am 15 years your senior, I still feel we have a strong bond between us. I mean, just look at the family resemblance. Granted, I am a little pale skinned, but that is only a recessive gene from mom's side of the family.

I had read that you wanted to become a vet. Way cool, and by the way, your other long lost brother, Greg, is already a vet, as he served a tour in Iraq in 2006-2007.

So hopefully you will receive this message with the same tidings it has been sent and open up your wallet...errr... heart to me as you loving lost sibling.

Deepest warmest regards and praying to hear from you soon....

Your long lost but never gave up hope much older brother,

Rich

My favorite inbox surprises....

Dear Congressman,

Hopefully you had a good Easter weekend, complete with Somali pirates meeting their maker and the Cincinnati Reds shutting out an opponent. Personally I don't know which is more unusual.

But I digress...

Here is something that bothers me. I know it is only a minor irritant in the universe of irritants, but sometimes I would just like this one to stop. I know full well that it never will, for as long as there are people who feel the need to share every life experience possible combined with a seemingly endless amount of free time and a functional keyboard, this will continue.

It is the famous "forward all" of some dribble that is "uplifting". Not to be cynical, but if I want to be uplifted, I will see a plastic surgeon. These are the ones that circulate the internet and some individuals feel the need to share with anyone who has ever had cause to send an email to them in the past ten years.

I am not talking about the funny cat photos or links to youtube videos. Those tend to be rather funny or, at a minimum, bearable....

I am talking about the ones that end with an uplifting message and then tell you to forward to ten of your friends to receive some type of blessing. The factor that the sender has neglected to take into account while sending this to you is that if they are the 12th person to forward this message to ten people, and everyone else followed the instructions and felt the compulsion to forward it to ten different people, then by that point 10 billion people have already received the message... guess what !!!!.... more than the population of the planet....

So if you see a header like this on an email you just received, my advice... just hit delete....


----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Stephanie Miken

To: Kevin Miken ; Kaye DePorte ; Kathy Stori ; Hank Miller ; Bev Mueller ; Bruce Lee ; Jeff Foot ; Melinda Syngen-Smythe Cole ; Wendy the friendly Witch ; Blake Elkart ; Crystal Ships ; John Adams ; John Jay ; Al Hamilton ; Jim Madison ; the entire crew of the USS Boxer ; Mickey's dog ; Mick Jagger ; Mick Donalds ; my cat ; your cat ; anyone with a pulse

Sent: Thursday, December 11, 2008 8:48:09 AM
Subject: Center of Universe

My boss sent this attachment to me and I thought it was special. I decided to forward it on to you.

If you forward it to ten other people then something wonderful will happen in your life in the next 48 hours.

Ignore at your own peril, as Jonathon Berkson from West Root, Vermont found out when he choose to ignore this email and was subsequently trampled to death by a wild roving pack of Great Danes the next day....

Love and prayers,

Stephanie

Stephanie Miken

More boring poetry

Dear Congressman,

I didn't have anything to contribute today so I decided to write another boring poem....

A lot

The glowworm's batteries died yesterday
Leaving nothing more than cloth and metal screws
A thought lost in a moment of digital time
Like a camera destroyed by analog sand

There is pain
Their thinking is not reasoning
They're watching Reality TV
I don't seem to care

I must be ascending to avoid the anger
But mixed up in a litany of assent
I find solace in my plastic grief
Knowing but not understanding
Finding no way to communicate the difference

Because that would take caring
and the mental garden is already planted
complete with weeds and pesticides
strangling out the righteous flowers
the damage is in plain sight
but is not easy to see

or feel
or hear
or touch

or share

or

Good Friday ... part 2

Dear Congressman,

I hope you and yours are enjoying a wonderful Easter weekend. My understanding is that the citizens of Philadelphia got more good cheer than they planned on Good Friday courtesy of their local cable company. As the Associated Press reported:

PHILADELPHIA – A Philadelphia cable network's early morning broadcast of Good Friday Mass at the Vatican abruptly changed to something wildly different — a 30-second "Girls Gone Wild" ad.

Comcast spokesman Jeff Alexander says the 2 a.m. Friday programming glitch was due to a required test of the Emergency Alert System. He says such tests are usually done in the overnight hours.

The test automatically tunes viewers to a preselected channel that would provide information in the event of an emergency. But during tests, the channel airs regular programming, which in this case included a paid advertisement for the racy videos.

Alexander says the problem affected the network's entire local area, but only one person called to complain.

I think I am more surprised that someone was up and watching the mass at 2:00am then I am that they bothered to grab the phone and complain.

Who knows? Maybe there will be a spike in babies born to Catholic couples nine months from now who like to stay up pass midnight without drinking insane amounts of alcohol.....

The Good Friday Blog

Dear Congressman,

I suddenly realized that congress is currently in recess for spring break, so you are probably either here at home in Cincinnati or fund raising in a smoke filled room for some Republican cause in some far away city. Either way, it is Good Friday today and I am sure you and your family are observing some aspect of this Easter weekend together.

So, in recognition of this day I will post some religious traditions related to this day. (Kudos to wikipedia for supplying much of the info)

Roman Catholic Church - Good Friday is a day of fasting. This does not mean no food at all however, just one full meal and two smaller ones. But don't head for the backyard and fire up the grill unless you have a big fillet of salmon to swelter, because this day should be meatless.

If you are Catholic and call Manila in the Philippines home, then today you are probably going to watch the street parades and attend a Passion play. Remember not to depend on the tolling of the local church bells to let you know the time today, because they are always silent on Good Friday. This is because the churches are closed and there is no mass celebrated.

Byzantine Christian - hopefully you ate and drank to your heart's content yesterday, because fasting is taken literally here, and you are expected to neither eat nor drink anything today. Also, make sure you eat early and often on Thursday because Good Friday really begins on Thursday night with the Matins of the Twelve Passion Gospels, a long reading of all the gospels from the Last Supper to the Crucifixion.

Anglican - If your gig is the Church of England dating from the middle ages and you are lazy, then you are in luck. The Book of Common Prayer doesn't address Good Friday, and beside some local traditions or ones passed down from Catholic days, this one is not high on the list of celebrations.

Other
If you live in Bermuda, Brazil, Canada, Chile, Colombia, Peru, the Philippines, Mexico, Venezuela, any of the Caribbean isles, Germany, Malta, Australia, New Zealand, or the United Kingdom and you showed up at work today, then go home... because it is a national holiday and unless you are essential personnel, you have the day off.

If you are in Dublin and headed to the pub to meet your friends, well... not so fast. In Ireland, sales of all alcohol is prohibited on Good Friday. Good luck finding an open restaurant too.

And if you happen to be in England, get ready to sit at the dinner table and pound down some "Hot Cross Buns", a yeast risen bun usually with currants and the shape of a cross across the top. I remember them from my childhood... good eatings...

Anyway, what ever your particular flavor, have a healthy and happy Good Friday.

Sesame Street Live cometh....

Dear Congressman,

If you have been in the district recently and turned on any of the local news shows, you would be well aware that the Sesame Street touring group is coming to town with their latest revenue generating production.

Local 12's morning coverage for the last few weeks has been peppered with commercials for "When Elmo grows up" as the touring company for Sesame Street produces their kid friendly bonanza of muppets pondering their future under stage lighting and hi-tech sound equipment.

I must confess that I was not really paying atttention when this advertisement first flashed across my TV screen as I was reading the Cincinnati Enquirer at the time. I nearly fell out of my chair when I heard it because they said:

blah blah blah ...Live on Stage, When Elmo Grows Up coming ....blah blah

but what I thought I heard was:

blah blah blah ...Live on Stage, When Elmo Throws Up coming ....blah blah

I instantly lowered the newspaper and peered intently at the television screen. Was there a new cutting edge to this PBS classic series. Were they going after a new audience, maybe the teenage crowd and the dangers of binge drinking as Elmo parties all night with his "new friends" from the wrong side of the track and ends up naked on the patio the next morning covered in vomit?

But no... alas... my hearing has never really been the same since I stood in front of the left hand side speakers at an AC/DC concert in Paris in December 1979. I had misinterpreted the well meaning announcer's articulation of those particular words, and led myself down a personal path of confusion and sudden admiration for the folks at Sesame Street.

Still, it begs the question, doesn't the image of a grown up Elmo kind of make those "tickle me Elmo" dolls a little perverted?

Someone's gotta go... something stinks....

Dear Congressman,

As you sat at your desk this morning, after shooing off several annoying assistants, I am sure you took a few minutes to scan the local fishwrap, the Washington Post. If you did, you might have seen a story in the TV section by Lisa de Moraes on a new fox reality show tentatively entitled "Someone's Gotta Go".

In summary, the show follows a different small company each week that is struggling in today's economy and has a survivor type session where the employees vote to see who gets canned.

Now personally, I thought that reality TV jumped the shark back in July of 2007, but now it appears that instead of jumping the shark, we are in fact being eaten by the shark.

A reality show that culminates weekly with an individual losing their self respect, health insurance, and ability to feed, clothe, and house their family. As Seth and Amy would say... REALLY!!! So that sounds like a good idea... REALLY!!!!

Why stop there, if Fox is going to see this through then they should follow up the next season with a series on the previous season's losers called: Someone's Who Went... Who's Living in A Tent?". We can humorously follow the participants through their trials and tribulations of spending time at the unemployment office, create a montage of the numerous hours they spend on the phone calling job ads (right up until their phone is disconnected), and nod in recognition of the family tension established between family members when the money starts to run out.

Other people's misery... it's a laugh a minute, right? I mean, after all, it isn't anyone you or I know....

The broken growth plate

Dear Congressman,

As I live in your district in the northern suburbs of Cincinnati, it is a long daily commute to my job at the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport in Hebron, Kentucky. So I have plenty of time daily in my car going each direction to find ways to entertain myself for 45 minutes at a stretch. Since I take the Interstate 275 loop through Kentucky-Indiana-Ohio on a daily basis, the traffic is relatively light compared to traveling Interstate 75 directly north through Cincinnati. Thus I tend to turn to my Ipod for distractions when driving in each direction. Since the advent of the podcast, I am able to listen to a diverse group of radio programs ranging from NPR to the BBC to the Onion on a daily basis.

However, at least once or twice a week, usually on the drive home, I will revert to my adolesence. I will crank up the Ipod and blast something from my youth, ranging from bands such as X, Social Distortion, the Ramones, the Talking Heads... etc... and basically rock out for the entire trip.

So my question based on this pattern of behaviour is: When do I actually grow up?

My father has always seemed ... well... for lack of a better word... fatherly. I have never felt this way about myself, even though I have a step daughter, a son-in-law, and two grand kids. Sure, I give advice when asked, and I do not have a Peter Pan complex or the middle aged crazies. But deep down I am still that kid at the Pomona Valley Auditorium in 1983 at the X concert slam dancing in the mosh pit.

I can never envision a day when I take myself as serious as I see some of my peers. I do take my work seriously, however, because they pay me to do that, and I feel a responsibility to return the favor. As many Americans, I have strong feeling on government and social policy, but am completely immune to pundits from either side of the debate who pound their desks and scream at each other.

So, while I will continue to care and to learn, today I will get in my car, turn on the Ipod, and probably jam to The Jam.....

Redneck Geography

Dear Congressman,

I wanted to share parts of an email sent by a co-worker today, one with interesting trivia about world geography. However, after spending part of last Saturday in your district at the Trader's World flea market in Monroe, Ohio, I felt it would only be fitting if I gave predicted responses of some of the people I observed while at this wonderful bazaar.

Alaska
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska

"Huh... I was at the beach last summer & it was all in North Carolina, not half in Alaska"

Amazon
The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean.

"They must have a whole bunch a' hair dryers to dry off all them books they sell."

Canada
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined.

"Then how come I keep seeing Canada Dry at the store?"

Chicago
Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

"That splains why I couldn't understand anyone last time I was up north."

Damascus, Syria
Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

"I thought we already nuked 'em when Dick Cheney was President"

Istanbul, Turkey
Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.

"My mother-in-law should live there, cuz she is in continent."

Los Angeles
Los Angeles' full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles

"I knew I was right! California is a Mexican State with an Australian governor."

Ohio
There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is man made.

"I made a few myself after a night of drinking with the boys."

Sahara Desert
In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.

"I should move there. Since the wipers on the truck rotted out, I ain't gotta change 'em"


Spain
Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.

"Huh? I thought Spain was the planet that Mexicans came from? Must be covered in rabbits."

Texas
The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas. It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide.

"Sounds a whole bunch like my double-wide."

United States
The Eisenhower interstate highway system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

"And here's me thinkin' all these years that that long straight patch was so I could take a long swig of beer without veering off the road!"


Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.

"Boseefus got somthin' from there last month and yup, it got all of us pretty high."

and then there are statistics

Dear Congressman,

It seems some business news networks make a living at sensationalizing information that is ... well.. to be blunt... rather misleading.

Take for example, the statistical trick of using different cut-off dates as a benchmark for measurement of gains and losses. I present to you, "Stock growth", a play in two parts.

ACT I

Mid-February 2009, somewhere in the suburbs of Charlotte, North Carolina. John the electrician is sitting in his Lazy-boy after a hard day of fixing faulty wiring at the local Baptist Church. His wife Mary is in the kitchen preparing dinner.


John: Damn!

Mary: (yelling from kitchen) What is it, dear! Did John Jr. drink your last beer again?

John: No, not today. I'm disgusted by the shares we bought in that stock your brother the broker talked us into, Megacompany, Inc.

Mary: How much has Russ cost us this time?

John: Well, let's see. It is down 68% from when we bought those 100 shares at 100 bucks, so we only have $3,200 of our initial $10,000 investment left.

Mary: So I guess asking for some spending cash for a shopping spree is out of the question....

John: (simply grunts as he continues to read the paper)

Act II

April 1st, same house, same suburb. Same position for both John and Mary. The phone next to John starts ringing.

John: Hello?

Russ: Hi John, it's Russ. Sorry I couldn't return your call sooner, but it has been crazy around here.

John: Yeah... right. Anyway, I wanted you to sell that Megacompany, Inc. you put us in.

Russ: Sell Megacompany, Inc???... but John... it is on a tear. You are up 72% in March alone with no limit in site. I would recommend that you buy more!

John: Oh... wow... I didn't realize that it was doing so well. How much are the shares worth now?

Russ: Let me see... it closed at $55 today so you are at $5,500.

John: Hold on... I was down 68%, you tell me I am up 72%, and I am still $4,500 lower than when you talked me into this last June....

Russ: John, it's been a tough market for us all....

(clicking sound as John hangs up the phone)



..