Joe Dante's semi-secret trauma trick

Dear Congressman,



You may not be aware of this, but back in the 1984 Warner Bros released a film that caused sleepless nights and nightmares for many people currently between the ages of 28-32. It was first advertised with a cutesy poster in newspapers and theaters, that along with a PG rating, kid friendly TV ads, and adorable dolls available at a store near you made this a sure fire hit with the younger generation. My little sister Michelle was seven at the time and was "amped", along with all her friends, about going to see this film. In fact, my mum bought her a Gizmo doll before she had even seen it.

In all due respect to my mum, it is really my fault that little Michelle saw this film, as I went to see it first and did not really see the harm in it. In fact, I found the action quite amusing and laughable. After all, I was twenty one at the time and a veteran of movies such as Scarface and Mad Max, so this one seemed tame enough.

Unfortunately, my little sister did not see it the same way I had. She and most of her friends were scared out of their wits by the evil version of the Gremlins, and had nightmares for some time after seeing the film. Melody related to me that my stepdaughter Mandy, who is about the same age as Michelle, also was eager to see the film but was traumatized by it.

Needless to say, the Gizmo doll ended up in a bag on the top shelf of the closet for a considerable period of time. My understanding is that my little sister and stepdaughter were not the only two people jolted by this flick, as during this period of time between in the early eighties there was a lack of cartoon movies coming out and kids options were very limited. As a result of this film (and several others around the same period of time) we were introduced to the PG-13 rating, which let parents know that the contents will thrill your tween and teenagers but scare the living crap out of anyone younger.

Black Friday Comes Again

Dear Congressman,

This morning, after a cup of my home-roasted coffee, I strolled out into the crisp morning air to grab my newspaper from the driveway. As usual, the Thanksgiving day newspaper had more advertising flyers enclosed then a cruise ship gift shop has Geritol. After a quick peruse of the actual newspaper itself, which composed a very small part of the total 4lbs of wood pulp, I laid it aside and spread out the many ad papers over my desk for a photo op.

After testing my new Nikon coolpix, I dug into the "ad-speak" that the many ads utilized to entice you to drop everything and get in line for their store early on Friday morning. As usual, whether you have requested them or not, I have comments....

"Doorbuster" appears to be the word of the hour. Now, if you actually do bust the door of the retail establishment they will roll out a large store security team member in an ill-fitting uniform to sit on you until the police arrive, so I do not recommend trying this. However, every ad-man or ad-woman in the big offices in NYC seems to have convinced the marketing departments of all the major retailers that if you do not have the word "doorbuster" in your ad, then you will be this year's FAO Schwartz.

Dell's ad happily exclaims at the top of the paper "Dell recommends Windows Vista(R) Home Premium." Personally, I think this is "adspeak" for "Please order computers with Vista loaded because we got software licenses coming out our ying-yang and Steve at Microsoft won't let us return any of them!!!"

Both JC Penny and Kohl's exclaim "STARTS 4AM FRIDAY". I am going to go out on a huge limb here and predict that the marketing geeks did not consult any of the sales associates or assistant managers who work in the actual stores when they came up with this lamb-brain idea. I don't think paying someone close to minimum wage is a great incentive when you have to say them "You need to be here at 3:45AM the day after Thanksgiving. No excuses, so set your alarm."

Old Navy managed to get the words "extravaganza", "humongous" and "honkin" directly below their name. And don't worry, right after that headline they got in the magic "doorbuster" word.

Wal-mart goes with their new favorite tag line "Save Money, Live Better". Is it just me or does this sound very Orwellian, like a marketing slogan right out of "1984". It creeps me out almost as much as the Burger King 'King', which strikes me more as a potential character for a new Stephen King novel rather than for selling whoppers...


The most original and my favor was software store Game Crazy. Someone finally did something creative here as they resurrected the ghost of Roy Lichtenstein with their "The Return of Black Friday" headline. Probably won't save them from eventual bankruptcy but kudos to the efforts.

The Universe's Big Secret

Dear Congressman,

Recently in the news I have seen the many talking heads going on and on about something called dark matter. According to their constant ramblings, it is matter that we have detected but don't really know anything about. Think of it like the ad campaign that Microsoft ran with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld... didn't really make any sense but it still showed up on our television sets on a daily basis for a few weeks.

So I thought I really should do some investigating of my own. After all, the best evidence is the evidence you uncover yourself, right? Plus, I always enjoyed science in school and everyone loves a good mystery.

Let's dive right in, shall we?

From Wikipedia:
Dark matter is hypothetical matter that does not interact with the electromagnetic force, but whose presence can be inferred from gravitational effects on visible matter.


Hey, fairly straight forward so far...

It has been noted that the names "dark matter" and "dark energy" serve mainly as expressions of human ignorance, much like the marking of early maps with "terra incognita."


So, that means dark matter could be many different things, only we know it exists but can't find it.... like the other sock that never seems to make it out of the dryer....

Much of the evidence for dark matter comes from the study of the motions of galaxies. Many of these appear to be fairly uniform, so by the virial theorem the total kinetic energy should be half the total gravitational binding energy of the galaxies


Okay, now I am getting in over my head...

Dark matter is crucial to the Big Bang model of cosmology as a component which corresponds directly to measurements of the parameters associated with Friedmann cosmology solutions to general relativity. In particular, measurements of the cosmic microwave background anisotropies correspond to a cosmology where much of the matter interacts with photons more weakly than the known forces that couple light interactions to baryonic matter. Likewise, a significant amount of non-baryonic, cold matter is necessary to explain the large-scale structure of the universe.


I did pretty well in science classes at school, but I am thinking that the "Greyhound Bus of modern scientific study" left the station well before I came in to buy a ticket.

I am obviously not going to understand dark matter reading on Wikipedia, but I do have some theories of my own as to what makes up it's composition. Here goes:

1. Mortgage-backed Securites - personally, I think dark matter definitely contains some component of illiquid mortgage backed securities. Let's face it, the financial world has had so much trouble trying to value these things that they must be related.

2. The playbooks for the Cincinnati Bengals & St. Louis Rams - since neither team seems to be able to proper execute an offensive or defensive play scripted in these documents, one would have to assume that dark matter must contribute to the complexity of their structure, thus causing the semi-college educated players studying these tid-bits of wisdom to become disoriented while on the playing field.

3. Jimmy Hoffa - makes sense to me, his final ride ended with him being converted to dark matter, thus when they look for his remains in Giant's Stadium, they can't find him... even though he has been there since July of 1975.

4. Spam : Not the kind you get in your inbox, but the kind you buy at the store. There is no way on earth that you can make something that was originally derived from a cow, chicken, or pig taste as bad as this stuff does. Definitely dark matter...

5. Donald Trump's hair: speaks for itself... it can't be human hair....

6. Mezcal: especially "con gusano" (with worm). Just try drinking a bunch of this and not wake up naked on your patio the next day.

Alas, the list could go on and on....

Public Service Announcement

Dear Congressman,

Please ignore the following public service announcement as it is for the readers of this blog other than yourself.





PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Attention all blog readers: It has come to the attention of staff that there are some misunderstandings in regards to the proper pronunciation of Congressman Boehner's name.

For clarification purposes, the Congressman's name is pronounced:

"BAY-NER"

All other pronunciations will be deemed as incorrect and just plain taunting if they continue...

Again... it's "BAY-NER".

Okay, we're done here.... thank you everyone.

Once more into the breech

Dear Congressman Boehner,

I was horrified to recently read in the daily fish-wrap (Cincinnati Enquirer) that you were under assault by a second party for your Minority leadership chair. Seems Mr. Dan Lungren believes that he could better represent the Republican party in congress then you can. So, I did a little research and decided to try and help you out in this fierce struggle for your political life.

His statement of opposition to your occupation of the party chairs appears to be that he wants to "advance our conservative principles ... in light of what happened on November 4th". Now as someone who has lived in your district and near his district in Southern California, I would not be going out on a limb to state that you probably live in the more conservative district, as Southern California voting consistently Republican is like Darva Conger saying no to a Playboy spread.... just ain't gonna happen....

So I would recommend mailing flyers to all your remaining fellow Republican congressmen with the following:

Dear fellow Republican Congressman,

Here are your choices for Minority Leader:



Picture of Dan Lungren in his younger days.









Or



Picture of my parents right before they beat me for not completing my 5 hours of chores quickly enough after walking home 15 miles from school.








YOU DECIDE!!!!!


Just an idea.

Anyway Congressman, good luck with your battle...

Felony Athesism

Dear Mr. Boehner,

Normally I am not one to talk about anyone's religious affiliations. Between the religious right lighting up your office phone like a Christmas tree on a daily basis to the loving followers of the Reverend Moon trying to sell you flowers at Reagan National Airport, I am sure you get your fill of religious issues.

However, there is nowhere like Russia to take the cake on this topic:

Russian church 'taken by thieves'

A 200-year-old church building has disappeared from a village in central Russia, officials from the Russian Orthodox Church say.

The building had stood near the village of Komarovo since 1809.

It was intact in July but some time in early October thieves made off with it brick by brick, they said.

Local prosecutors had been informed and an investigation was under way, a spokesman for the local Russian Orthodox Church said.

The disappearance of the Church of the Resurrection, some 300 km (186 miles) north-east of Moscow, was not immediately noticed.

It was in an out-of-the-way area and was not being used, although Church officials were considering resuming services there.

Now all that remained of the two-storey building - a school before it was turned over to the Church - were its foundations and some sections of wall, the Church said.

Thieves often target churches in rural Russia. Religious icons can be sold and church structures sold off for building materials.


Okay, I know that Russia has a serious problem with an aging population and deteriorating birthrates, but how do you not notice over a three month period that brick by brick that a local historical site is disappearing from view faster than a bottle of vodka on a cold Siberian night?

"Local prosecutors have been informed and are investigating?" What about the police? Any chance they actually left the local Dunkan Donutski long enough to drive by the church once or twice and maybe notice that it was gone before now?

True, this is a small village over 180 miles from Moscow, but last time I checked no one had stolen the First Baptist Church of Dime Box, Tx recently either.

I guess the Russians give a whole new meaning to "losing my religion".

Is AIG code for SOL?

Dear Congressman Boehner,

I am unsure of your financial background as you used to be a "businessman" (according to Wikipedia). However, since you have a business degree from Xavier University here in Cincinnati you probably have some financial savvy in regards to how businesses work.

However, you would be a very rare individual if you fully understood what it was the AIG actually does and how it got into a big enough mess that your colleagues from the Treasury building down the D.C. Mall from your office are putting us on the line to the tune of $150 billion. Yikes... $150 billion... even in D.C. that is a lot of dosh.

Let me put it in Cincinnati terms. That is approximately either 25.4 billion cheese coneys (with or without mustard & onion), 12.5 billion pints of Graeter's ice cream (if Oprah hasn't ordered it all already), or dinner for 2,084,000,000 at the Montgomery Inn (better to first try and make a reservation for that crowd).

For preparation on discussion of AIG's problems I decided to download the 10-K annual filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission (www.sec.gov) to better acquaint myself of their business.

HOLY COW!

No wonder no one could see this coming. The document was 206 pages long in single type small print and did not even include the financial statements, which are included in a separate document. The reason no one saw this coming was that, in all probability, no one actually read this document. It is the driest document on earth, as it is all about insurance, insurance, more insurance, and AIG's many subsidiaries that sell... you guessed it... insurance.

However, I did find this line hidden in their risk disclosure section after numerous other nefarious warnings of how this company might take large bites out of your portfolio in the remote chance that the events discussed actually occur.

So, if I understand correctly, credit default swaps (a side business that AIG got into) do not have a capital reserve requirement (like regulated transactions), but the counter-party in the transactions protect themselves by writing in the following:

AIG’s liquidity may be adversely affected by requirements to post collateral. Certain of the credit default swaps written by AIGFP contain collateral posting requirements. The amount of collateral required to be posted for most of these transactions is determined based on the value of the security or loan referenced in the documentation for the credit default swap. Continued declines in the values of these referenced securities or loans will increase the amount of collateral AIGFP must post which could impair AIG’s liquidity.

Now AIG thought "heck, no problemo! like that could ever happen!"

Guess what... surprise!!! It happened. So, AIG had to come up with a bunch of cash real quick to take care of this little risk event. However, turns out it was more than they thought. Tens of billions to be kind of precise.

Wait! There's more. Lets delve deeper into what they wrote in the 10-K about these "investments":

AIG participates in the U.S. residential mortgage market in several ways: AGF originates principally first-lien mortgage loans and to a lesser extent second-lien mortgage loans to buyers and owners of residential housing; United Guaranty Corporation (UGC) provides
first loss mortgage guaranty insurance for high loan-to-value first- and second-lien residential mortgages; AIG insurance and financial services subsidiaries invest in mortgage-backed securities and CDOs, in which the underlying collateral is composed in whole or in part of residential mortgage loans; and AIGFP provides credit protection through credit default swaps on certain super senior tranches of collateralized debt obligations (CDOs), a significant majority of which have AAA underlying or subordinate layers.

Huh??? Is that in English? A bunch of people must have stayed up real late one night to come up with that paragraph. I think it says that AIG through AIGFP wrote CDS's on CDOs that were composed of MBS's in an AAA tranche with a light hollandaise sauce.

If you add all that together, it probably means any shareholders are going to be SOL pdq....

Need your help with something

Dear Mr. Boehner,

I planned on just writing to you once in a while to update you on local happening here in the Cincinnati area while you are away fighting off lobbyists and cutting pork out of bills out there in D.C. . But there is a local issue that requires your immediate attention as it has festered on and on for entirely too long.

I will get right to the point. You have to do something about the Cincinnati Bengals. I know that they finally won a game against the Jacksonville Jaguars and are all psyched and happy going into the bye week, but as a long term Bengals fan I am in "Large Carnivorous Feline Purgatory".

I think the coach is fine, as a matter of fact he takes time to acknowledge our semi-local troops in Iraq and in general seems like an all around capable leader of the team. But not unlike the banks and investment banks, the problem lies with the management.

I am sure Mike Brown is a nice man. Heck, you have probably shared a dinner or two with him, nodding and smiling politely while sharing cute innocent jokes and assorted small talk.

But I am also sure that you, like the rest of us, are a long suffering Bengals fan. I am also quite confident that if you could cast aside all protocol you would let him have it with a torrid stream of frustration induced screams. But as a politician this would be a pipe dream and just not possible.

Since it will not be wise for your career to take the course that I am requesting, I will create an imaginary scenario for you to fulfill this task.

Cut to a quiet Tuesday evening at some nameless Jeff Ruby restaurant. Dinner has just been cleared by the staff when you stand up, stare at Mike Brown (who is across the table) and state the following:
In a normal voice: uh.. Mike... I have been meaning to ask you a few things....

Now pointing and shouting loudly: DID YOU NOT PAY ATTENTION WHEN YOUR DAD WAS EXPLAINING HOW TO SPOT A DECENT FOOTBALL PLAYER? I'M SURE HE MUST HAVE TOLD YOU SOMETHING ABOUT RUNNING A FOOTBALL TEAM! DID YOU SHARE THIS WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND HER HUSBAND. IF NOT, COULD YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO START????

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO SEE THAT SMIRKING JERK MIKE DOYLE APPROACHING ME IN THE HOUSE CHAMBERS TWICE A YEAR AFTER THE BENGALS HAVE BEEN SMOKED BY THE STEELERS. IT IS PRETTY $%^&$##@ AGGRAVATING!!!

AND BY THE WAY, I TALKED TO SIMON LEIS AND HE SAID THERE IS STILL ROOM IN THE HAMILTON COUNTY JAIL. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PERSONALLY EMPTY IT TO FILL OUT YOUR ROSTER!!!!

ONE THIRD OF ALL THE 0-8 STARTS TO EVER OCCUR IN THE NFL ARE THE PROPERTY OF YOU!!!! CAN YOU SUCK ANY HARDER!!!! EVEN A BLIND SQUIRREL CAN FIND A NUT ONCE IN A WHILE!!!!

You sit down and now speak in a normal voice and a big smile: What shall we have for desert?

First Post

While my brother from Connecticut was serving in Iraq during 2007 I wrote him a blog, mostly humorous, to help maintain his sanity. Since his return I have only updated it a couple of times, lapsing into laziness as my muse had safely returned to the USA from his tour of duty.

So, it is time to find a new muse. I thought about a blog for the common man, but I seriously doubted the common man would care that I was blogging about him, especially since it is getting near hunting season here in Ohio and the NFL and college football seasons do not wrap up for a month or two. I couldn't blog for the common woman, because Sarah Palin might be tempted to fly over my car taking pot shots with a sniper's rifle from a Jet Ranger.



So, why not choose my congressman? After all, most of you know him. His name is John Boehner and he is the Member of the U.S. House of Representatives from Ohio's 8th District. He represents Butler, Miami, Preble & Darke counties in the northern suburbs of Cincinnati and the western suburbs of Dayton. Not that he ran unopposed, but the Democrats ran a Miami University (the one in Ohio, not Florida) grad student named Nicholas Von Stein against him, since they were probably looking for volunteers who were brave enough to run against the House Minority Leader.

Poor Nick did not fair well in this election....

CONGRESS-8TH DISTRICT
		Total
Number of Precincts		277
Precincts Reporting		277	100.0 %
Total Votes		144047
JOHN A. BOEHNER		95689	66.43%
NICHOLAS VON STEIN		48358	33.57%

Then again, southern Ohio has always been very conservative, and tends to be a pretty safe seat for the Republican party. So Nick should not feel too bad about being thrown to the wolves on this one.

In fact, while the TV was a continuous bombardment of hardline political attack ads, pleading candidates, and the infamous "voice of pity" ad where a male or female announcer fearfully informs you of the impending Armageddon if the opposing candidate manages to get into office, not a single ad was run by either Mr. Boehner or Mr. Von Stein.

That my friends is the definition of a safe seat...

Anyway, I do not plan on pounding away at Mr. Boehner's policies and beliefs. There are plenty of political bloggers out there who are doing that already.

Nope, I just need a muse, someone to write to from time to time with observations or just plain off the wall comments. And Congressman Boehner... you are it....