When twits twitter...

Dear Congressman,

I noticed an interesting article in the New York Times this morning about the rage that is sweeping the nation. And no, I am not referring to Shamwows or Snuggies, but to twittering, that new craze that is basically a web based text message service, allowing many individuals to receive messages from a single individual.

This has lead to the obvious step of celebrities able to communicate directly with their fan base, rather than doling out mega-dollars to their publicist to do the same thing. Well, they will still find a use for the publicist, which will probably be to interpret for the media what the last twitter message sent by their client really meant.

However, it appears that not all big stars are being completely honest with us in their twittering habits. For instance, the rapper 50 Cent (aka Curtis Jackson III) has his web director, Chris Romero, send out his twitter messages.

A great quote from Mr. Romero was that "He doesn't actually use Twitter, but the energy of it is all him."

hmmm... couldn't you also say that about lip syncing?

So, it appears some celebs and other prominent people are turning to "Ghost Twitters" to relay their messages to the general public. I would think they would need a certain amount of ESP ability to be able to sit behind a keyboard with a Starbuck's Vendi Latte and accurately depict the emotions and thoughts of an individual they have probably spent a grand total of 10 minutes speaking with for their entire life. Tough gig, if you ask me.

Personally, doesn't it kind of take the personal touch right out of sending messages to people if you don't even know what you are sending. Or maybe it is just that "your energy" is enough for Joe and Jane Q. Public.

Shaquille O'Neal, a constant Twitter, stated it quite nicely.

"It's 140 characters. It's so few characters. If you need a ghostwriter for that, I feel sorry for you."

Only in America

Dear Congressman,

In a true gesture of the greatness of our country, the Grand Rapids, Michigan Single A Whitecaps baseball club has come up with a small treat for the fans attending the game. For a measly $20 you can get the "Fifth Third" burger, named after then Cincinnati based bank that sponsors the team.

To quote the Western Michigan Whitecaps website on how to make the burger:

"Start with an 8-inch sesame seed bun that requires 1 pound of dough and is made specially for the Whitecaps by Nantucket Baking Co. of Grand Rapids.

Spoon on nearly a cup of chili and place five one-third pound hamburger patties on top of that. (Get it, 5/3 pounds of beef for the Fifth Third Burger?)

Add five slices of American cheese and liberal doses of salsa, nacho cheese and Fritos. Top it off with lettuce, tomato and sour cream, and you have a burger that can be sliced with a pizza cutter and feed four people for $20. Jalapenos are optional."

They even have a video on how to make the 5th3rd Burger.

They also state that anyone who can eat one in a single sitting will receive a free team t-shirt. Personally, I think if anyone can eat one in a single sitting they should receive a coupon from the local hospital for a 50% discount on a heart bypass operation that they will require in the next 5-10 years.

You gotta love it, congressman. Only in America....

Morning coffee emergency

Dear Congressman,

I am sure along with that first cigarette that you wake to every morning that there is an accompanying first sip of coffee. Both of these events (at least from what I remember from my smoking days) remind us why we enjoy life so much. That first hint of nicotine and caffeine coursing through your veins is irreplacable, unless you manage to give up the smoking part, and then that just applies to the caffeine. Not that I am nagging you, Congressman, but that really is an unhealthy habit.

But I digress...

Sometime last week our purchasing department decided it was time to upgrade the CDS (aka: caffeine delivery system, coffee machine) in the administration department's kitchen area. So during the day yesterday, one of the technicians from the Building Maintenance department brought his ladder and tools, popped out the panels to the hallway ceiling just outside the kitchen, and began to re-run the electric and the water line that serviced the old CDS to re-route it to the brand new CDS.

Now the old system had 1 brewing area complete with burner, a hot water tap, and two extra burners to allow us to have 3 pots of coffee available at all times. In it's place, the new CDS has two brewers/burners and a hot water tap, with the difference being that the brewers had self contained vats allowing larger amounts of coffee to be brewed and then released to the individual coffee carafes as needed. (a burner is java speak for the hot plate you keep the coffee on) With the new system it would cut down on the waiting time for regular and decaf if one or the other was empty.

Only one problem... when people came filtering in this morning they found the old CDS unhooked and the new one with a note stating that a part was needed and the new CDS would be hooked up sometime today. What Building Maintenance did not take into account is that their bosses in Ops Admin would be coming in around 7ish to find that there was no coffee available until later in the day.

Needless to say the same person who unhooked the old system is currently in the hallway, on a ladder, temporarily re-hooking the old system back up. Additionally, there is a gaggle of people in the lunch room with empty mugs chatting with each other waiting for this task to be completed, including the technician's boss's boss.

Starting a work day at the Airport without coffee? How un-American!!!

Driven to tears....

Dear Congressman,

I figure that since you became the leading Republican in the House of Representatives that you probably have not spent much time in line at the West Chester, OH office of the Bureau of Motor Vehicles renewing your driver's license. In fact, in all probability have to sit in the back of a limo fielding calls on your cell phone as a driver takes you to the destination of your chief aide's choice.

As for the rest of your constituents, we still have to convey ourselves to and fro utilizing our own resources, mainly via automobile. Which leads nicely to the topic of this entry: the inability of some of your voting public to properly operate a motorized vehicle.

Now don't get me wrong. There are some very capable individuals living in southeast Ohio who get behind the wheel daily and perform that task admirably, but I would be remiss if I did not point out some of the annoying habits of some of the voting public out there and the danger they cause to the rest of the voting public.

The first quasi-criminal group that is contributing to both accidents on their part and forlorn head shaking on the part of other drivers are the people who have decided that it is okay to both navigate a vehicle and text message their BFFs at the same time. As I driven the highways of Cincinnati on a daily basis as part of my commute from the Butler county suburbs down to the airport in Kentucky, I have on numerous occasions witnessed individuals having trouble keeping their car in their lane because their thumbs are otherwise preoccupied with their cellular device. It is bad enough when someone is yabbering away on the phone while totally ignoring the traffic around them, as at a minimum these types can manage to keep their auto between the white lines so nicely supplied by the highway department. But the texters are out & out dangerous. They might as well pop in a DVD and have a martini while they are at it, as it probably wouldn't be much more dangerous to the rest of us on the road.

The second felonious types are the regulators. In these cases, normally occurring on a two-lane highway, the individual in question feels it is safer to drive in the left/fast lane at a speed that, while technically the legal limit, is only slightly faster than a 98 year old man who can no longer see over the steering wheel. Not that I condone speeding, but lets face it, most people tend to drive 5-10 miles over the limit. That is, unless the regulator is on the road. It is his duty to pace a car in the slow lane driving an equivalent speed and back up traffic behind them until it has more resemblance to the black hole of Calcutta than an Interstate highway. So while trying to do his part for public safety, he has managed to line up vehicles in both lanes like the start of a NASCAR race, while at the same time infuriating the majority of the cars in the fast lane, who are now more inclined to do something stupid and cause harm to the rest of the pack. Not to mention if you are in the fast lane and your exit is coming up... well.. too bad, the regulator has decided to clog the road and make you drive at least two more exits before you can change lanes.

Okay... I'm done venting for now. Thanks for listening, Congressman...

Bracketology 101

Dear Congressman,

After you and your fellow members of congress are done putting the screws to AIG president Edward Liddy regarding his company's unique perspective on what to do with government money, I know that the backroom talk will turn to an even bigger deadline. Which of course is Thursday by noon to get your picks in for the NCAA men's college basketball tournament, better known as March Madness.

I felt I could be of service here, as I have a system that I devised for my wife, who knows as much about college basketball as I do about competitive basket weaving. By giving her a few simple guidelines to follow she has consistently done better in the local office pools compared to my personal picks.

Here are the rules to follow:

1. A 16 seed has never beaten a 1 seed... ever...

2. If you pick below a 6 seed to win the tournament or go to the final game, you have a pretty good chance of winning your pool, however you have a much higher chance of crashing and burning.

3. If a team has the word "State" in their name but the actual name of the state is not in the name, do not pick this team to go past the round of sixteen. For example, Florida State might go to the final rounds, but Morgan State probably will not.

4. In reference to the above, if there is a direction added to the name of the state in the team's name, I would not pick them to go too far in the tournament. For example, Tennessee might have a shot to go deep into the tournament, but East Tennessee State would be more risky.

That's it... enjoy the tourney Congressman!

And the award goes to....

Dear Congressman,

I am a little confused, as you probably are, about all this talk of billions of dollars of bonuses headlining all of the major US newspapers.

Here's what Websters has to say on the topic:

Pronunciation: \bō-nəs\

Function: noun

Etymology: Latin, literally, good — more at bounty

Date: 1773

a: something in addition to what is expected or strictly due: as a: money or an equivalent given in addition to an employee's usual compensation b: a premium (as of stock) given by a corporation to a purchaser of its securities, to a promoter, or to an employee c: a government payment to war veterans d: a sum in excess of salary given an athlete for signing with a team

In most of the cases in question, I believe that the bonuses in question are related to either a or b, as this, in my humble opinion, best describes the intent of these misguided companies that are intent on lining the pockets of their "valued employees".

I lean more toward b than a, as definition a uses "addition to what is expected", and if anyone who works for a company that lost more money then the US Mint can print in an entire year "expects" to receive a year end bonus, then I have to bring into question the sanity of that individual.

So, maybe it is better if they start calling them something else. As always, I have some ideas on the topic....

1. Corporate Arrogance Payments (CAP) - I personally like this because it calls them exactly what they are.

2. Really Obese Bounty - hey, someone has to have money to buy all those Cadillacs to keep GM afloat.

3. Silently Take & Embezzle All the Loot - after all, the government has entitlement programs, so why should corporate America be any different.

4. Management Incentives: Necessary & Essential - might be important to get the word "management: in the title somewhere since I don't think the janitors are in the MINE pool to receive money.

and probably the most accurate...

5. Highly Offensive Secret Employee's Jackpot Obedience Benefit ...

A tale of two wrongs

Dear Congressman,

There sometimes appears to be rips in the space/time continuum when it comes to making logical sense of why some decisions are made. I give you two examples from the depths of the twilight zone for examples.

Hypothetical Case study one: A young American male (who will go nameless) manages to win ... hmm... lets say for arguments sake... eight gold medals at the Olympics in his event and set a new record for gold medals at a single event. He has dedicated his life to his sport and done nothing for the majority of his life other than go to school and train for his event(s). After this glorious achievement, he is given sponsorship deals by several companies to pimp their products and allow them to associate their names with his for a nice amount of renumeration to the athlete in question.

But this athlete, being young, makes an error in judgement and is talked into taking a few bong hits at a frat party at some college he is visiting. Worse, some schumk with a camera phone decides he can help for his own bong hits by photographing the individual in question while "play the sax".

When the photo is released, the young man does the honorable thing; he fesses up and apologizes for his behavior. After this show of fortitude, his main sponsor pulls his contract and runs for the hills quicker than Darva Conga could turn down a Playboy pictorial. (oh wait... she didn't turn that down, did she)

Hypothetical Case study two: A young American signer breaks onto the music scene in 2005 at the age of 16. He becomes very popular with his fans and released several albums over the next three years, all of them reaching the top ten on the charts in the U.S.A.

But this young man also makes an error in judgement. According to the complaint filed in Los Angeles county, this young man decided that his current girlfriend, who again, for the sake of argument, lets say is a very popular female recording artist from Barbados, was not being very respectful to him and he decided to adjust her attitude utilizing proven techniques of a physical nature. A detective in the case filed an affidavit in support of a warrant to arrest the young man stating that "the singer allegedly told victim, "Now I'm really going to kill you!" after first assaulting her with punches to the face, eye, mouth, and body.

However, in this case, a certain very popular children's TV channel has decided that he should not be removed from a ballot to receive an award at that show, even though parents around the planet are in the process of signing a petiton to have him booted.

So, I would have to say the best way to sum up this situation would be as a rapper might:

"Hit a bong and your life will go wrong

hit a bitch and you can still get rich"

Word up, congress homey......

Katie Scores an Interview

Dear Congressman,

As you are probably aware, the CBS evening news with Katie Couric is getting creamed by the Brian Williams on NBC and Charles Gibson on ABC. So CBS decided to play hardball and line up a blockbuster interview for Katie to scoop the competition. I managed to get a copy of the transcript to share with you.

Katie: Good evening. I am here tonight to interview a very special guest. In the studio tonight is Nadya Suleman, the single mother of six who just gave birth to octuplets in January. Nadya, how are you this evening?

(Nadya is leaning forward holding a cell phone to her ear)
Nadya: Well you tell that piece of .... (Nadya looks up) Oh! are we on the air?

Katie: Yes we are...

Nadya: (still talking into cellphone) I gotta go... no... no... really, I gotta go. Okay... no... hold out for more .... no... BYE!

(Nadya closes phone and smiles at Katie)

Nadya: Hi Katie. What did you say?

Katie: (visibly frustrated) I asked you how you are this evening.

Nadya: Oh me.. I'm really good and really excited right now about my family...

Katie: Let's talk about that for a minute. You have how many kids now?

Nadya: (counting on fingers and then toes) uh... hold on (counts fingers and toes again) that would be fourteen Katie.

Katie: And how many bedrooms do you have in your current house?

Nadya: (smiling) That's easy Katie. Two!

Katie: I have to ask. Where is everyone going to sleep?

Nadya: Why, in the bedrooms silly!

Katie: Really?

Nadya: Yes, really Katie. We all love each other so much and there is plenty of room in the bedrooms for all (pause while Nadya again goes to fingers and toes) fifteen of us!

Katie: (beginning to have trouble hiding agitation) You have not had a job since 1999 and yet you have given birth to fourteen children. How do you plan on supporting them as they all grow up?

Nadya: Well Katie, as I was saying, with that so much love in one house money is not really an issue for us. We all just want to be together and love each other.

Katie: (jaw visibly dropping) I'm speechless...

Nadya: I know, isn't it wonderful!

Katie: One last question. Can you tell me the names of all your children?

Nadya: (pulling out a piece of paper) Ha! I saw that Sarah Palin interview you did. I was ready for you. There's Elijah and Amerah and Joshua and ...

Katie: (standing up) You don't know your own children's NAMES?

Nadya: Sure I do! I gott'em right here. (waving paper in the air)

(Katie leaps forward and tackles Nadya, placing her hands around her throat and squeezing while releasing a primal scream. Camera suddenly points in the air as cameraman and rest of crew are heard in the background trying to subdue Katie with a taser-type device.)

Nortel no get it....

Dear Congressman,

It appears that the same disease that has infected banks and investment houses has become pandemic and spread to other companies and countries. I speak of our frosty friends just over the northern border, Canada. I present the following article from the Dallas Business Journal on this topic:

Troubled telecom-equipment maker aims to give 92 senior executives reasons to stay; CEO not part of plan

At almost the same time it announced a 3,200-position staff cut last week, a unit of Nortel Networks Corp. filed documents in Delaware bankruptcy court seeking permission to pay out as much as $45 million in incentives and bonuses for executives and other key employees.

All told, about 5.1% of eligible employees of Nortel were selected to participate, court records say. Nortel employs about 30,000 people worldwide.

Nortel, which says the payouts are necessary to keep key talent aboard amid “flagging morale” as the equipment maker cuts jobs, declines to reveal the names or locations of the employees who would benefit from the two plans.

For its part, Nortel defends spending on executives and key employees as a necessary step to help the troubled firm emerge from bankrutpcy. Company officials maintain that these executives and employees could be lured away by competitors without strong financial incentives to stay.


This is a part of business that I think I will never understand. Nortel has managed to burn through more cash then a debutante in Bloomingdales with daddy's credit card, and had to file bankruptcy in early January. I will grant that being a telecom equipment provider in today's environment is a tough sell, but losing $5.8Billion in 2008 is quite a feat for any organization. With 30,000 employees, that works out to a $193,000 loss per employee.

And they want permission from the bankruptcy court to pay $45 million in bonuses? And "flagging morale"? How is it going to help the morale of the 94.9% of employees who are not included in this bonus plan who actually do all the work at Nortel? Seems to me the only people whose morale will be helped will be the same management team that is directly responsible for losing $5.8 billion.

Note to the Nortel Executive Team: You do not need to give these bonuses to retain key personnel, because the key personnel had already left the company when they realized you were running it in a way that was producing a loss equivalent to the GNP of a small nation. If you give bonuses to the remaining members who assisted you in this debacle, you are basically rewarding failure. All of your talented employees have already been lured by your competitors, courtesy of the inept way you have run the company.

So save your money. In fact, I would recommend using it to reinforce the doors and windows of your headquarters and getting better security for the next shareholder's meeting, because their are going to be plenty of angry fund managers and individual shareholders showing up with their torches and pitchforks looking for your heads.

So, want to buy a phone, eh?.....

Famous words you never got to hear

Dear Congressman,

One of the problems with history is that, generally speaking, there is a requirement that an eyewitness or third hand chronicler record exactly what happened and who said what. I am confident that over the numerous events of the history of man and womankind we have missed out on some statements and/or explanations that would bring clarity to the affair. In most cases, such as in warfare, history is written by the victor, thus robbing us of some potentially incisive understand of the events that occurred.

So, here are some not so famous words that you did not get to hear.


"Oh.. okay... when would you like to start? I can give you about an hour.. tops..." The undocumented response of Captain Richard Pearson of the HMS Serapis to John Paul Jones on the USS Bonhomme Richard on 23 September 1779.







"Francois? be a good boy and get the cakes from the main warehouse for the good people of Paris. Francois? Francois? where are you?" Marie Antoinette in July 1789, unheard query of her assistant as all royal court attendants ran to see a demonstration of the latest in powdered wigs across the room.






"What the $%&$#! Are you high or something?" Spoken by Chris Berman on September 28, 2003 after cameras cut to commercial on ESPN's "NFL Countdown" after Rush Limbaugh made comments regarding quarterback Donovan McNabb that led to his resignation several days later.

"Yes maam, Mrs. Earhart. I will let everyone know that you crash landed at those co-ordinates and send out a rescue party right away!" Tarawa amateur short wave radio operator Merv Gleeson, right before suffering a massive heart attack, falling on top of his radio equipment and destroying it. Merv was not discovered for eight days due to the monthly supply ship arriving that morning in Betio with enough booze to keep the population soused for a week, which they were.





"These sailors are not well. Lets take them to the town center to get them help." Spoken by three dock worker in the Sicilian port of Messina in the spring of 1347.




"Sir.... excuse me good sir... wait... you dropped something..." The last words of Wesley Morton Sneed in October of 1888 as he tried to give a damp knife back to a man in a cloak on a dark street corner in the Whitechapel district of London.

Now there is something you don't see every day...

Dear Congressman,After reviewing the news this morning I came across this interesting tidbit.

Neb. deputies say man stuffed cat inside 'bong',

By ERIC OLSON, Associated Press Writer Eric Olson, Associated Press Writer Mon Mar 2, 4:34 pm ET

OMAHA, Neb. – A man who tried to cool out his hyper cat by stuffing her into a boxlike homemade bong faces cruelty charges — and catcalls from animal lovers. Lancaster County sheriff's deputies responding to a domestic disturbance call Sunday alleged they saw 20-year-old Acea Schomaker smoking marijuana through a piece of garden hose attached to a duct-taped, plastic glass box in which the cat had been stuffed.

"This cat was just dazed," Sgt. Andy Stebbing said. "She was on the front seat of the cop car, wrapped in a blanket, and never moved all the way to the humane society."

Schomaker told deputies 6-month-old Shadow was hyper and he was trying to calm her down. The contraption she had been stuffed inside was 12 inches by 6 inches. Shadow was timid but in good condition Monday at the Capital Humane Society, executive director Bob Downey said.

"What the human mind doesn't invent, huh?" Downey said.

Schomaker, who was released from jail after paying a $400 fine on the arrest warrant, faces drug and misdemeanor animal cruelty charges. He did not immediately respond to phone messages left Monday seeking comment.

A couple of thoughts here....

Now, color me funny, but I thought marijuana was fairly expensive these days. Who would waste some very expensive smoke by creating a large bong chamber for the purpose of calming down your cat. My recommendation would be to smoke more yourself and induce a state of mind that you really would not care whether the cat is hyperactive or not. Just don't smoke too much, because if you don't have any food in the house, you might be tempted to eat the cat....

Also, take a good look at that bong Mr. Schomaker created. It seems a lot of time and creativity when into creating this feline hyperactivity reduction chamber. Some redneck philosophy went into this contraption as well, as there was a large quantity of duct tape involved in the final construction. I would ask Mr. Schomaker why, instead of spending a considerable amount of time and energy rigging this mechanism together, that he did not simply jump in his rusted out 1977 AMC Gremlin, go to the nearest grocery store or pet store (which ever is closer) and by a $2 bag of catnip? This would have costed a lot less and achieved the desired affect.

Boring Poetry

Dear Congressman,

I wrote a poem recently. Thought I would share it with you...

Ode to Fear

Catch the latest wave
As the ocean laps eternal on polluted sands
collect the empty shells of time once was
and see the reflection that isn't visible

Sun yourself in the yellow rays of ignorance
bowing to the bronze gods of yore
slaving goo in a ritual stroke
to protect the substance from the proof

Ignore the sea gulls call
as it mercilessly hunts the ignoble prey
yield not to the temptations of inner hunger
but grieve the thirst that goes unrecognized
lost to a cup already filled with the vile foam
and room enough to await the next tide