And the award goes to....

Dear Congressman,

I am a little confused, as you probably are, about all this talk of billions of dollars of bonuses headlining all of the major US newspapers.

Here's what Websters has to say on the topic:

Pronunciation: \bō-nəs\

Function: noun

Etymology: Latin, literally, good — more at bounty

Date: 1773

a: something in addition to what is expected or strictly due: as a: money or an equivalent given in addition to an employee's usual compensation b: a premium (as of stock) given by a corporation to a purchaser of its securities, to a promoter, or to an employee c: a government payment to war veterans d: a sum in excess of salary given an athlete for signing with a team

In most of the cases in question, I believe that the bonuses in question are related to either a or b, as this, in my humble opinion, best describes the intent of these misguided companies that are intent on lining the pockets of their "valued employees".

I lean more toward b than a, as definition a uses "addition to what is expected", and if anyone who works for a company that lost more money then the US Mint can print in an entire year "expects" to receive a year end bonus, then I have to bring into question the sanity of that individual.

So, maybe it is better if they start calling them something else. As always, I have some ideas on the topic....

1. Corporate Arrogance Payments (CAP) - I personally like this because it calls them exactly what they are.

2. Really Obese Bounty - hey, someone has to have money to buy all those Cadillacs to keep GM afloat.

3. Silently Take & Embezzle All the Loot - after all, the government has entitlement programs, so why should corporate America be any different.

4. Management Incentives: Necessary & Essential - might be important to get the word "management: in the title somewhere since I don't think the janitors are in the MINE pool to receive money.

and probably the most accurate...

5. Highly Offensive Secret Employee's Jackpot Obedience Benefit ...