Expecting...

Dear Congressman,

As I sit here typing, Melody is watching a very educational show entitled "Inside Edition". If you ever wondered what happened to Deborah Norville after she left the network morning shows, I can testify that she seems to have landed on her feet and appears to be doing just fine.

But I digress....

One of the stories they led with on this broadcast was that John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston were expecting a baby. After tragically losing their teenage son Jett in January 2009, it was good to hear that they are still committed to each other and their family.

Then comes the irritating part...

They cut to a photo of John and Kelly taken last weekend, where Kelly was wearing a black loose-fitting dress, as they phrased it, to hide her "baby bump".

Baby bump... who came up with this lame-ass term? What the hell was so wrong with saying the words "pregnant" or "expecting" that we had to come up with baby bump. It sounds too much like speed bump to be taken seriously as a proper use of the English language.

Lets face it, it rolls off the tongue like a fur lined sandwich. Instead, why not come up with another useless but less annoying term, such as pregnancy paunch, knocked-up knot, bun-in-the-oven barrel, dead rabbit rise, up-the-duff distention, the jaggy jut, anticipation appendage, expectant excrescence, parturient protuberance, in-utero intumescence, obstetric outthrust, pre-natal protrusion, pudding club promontor, brood-mare mass, gestation gibbosity, replete roll or teeming tuberosity.

Anything but baby bump.....

Fast and easy

Dear Congressman,

Today I would like to talk to you about trading stocks. I have been trying to understand this whole high frequency trading business. It seems to be a pretty good deal for whoever is running these programs. Remember the Dow Average crashing over 1,000 points in a matter of minutes for reasons no one can explain (or maybe cares to explain) and, for the last year or two, the market has been lurching around like Edgar Allen Poe at an open-bar wedding reception? The reason why might be high frequency trading. But rather than tackle the entire market economy in one blog entry, let's concentrate on how high frequency trading works.

This is the process as I understand it. (please note I have simplified the steps somewhat but conceptually it should be correct)

1. I put in an order to buy stock, saying the most I am willing to pay is $10.

2. The other party out there wants $9.50 to sell their shares.

3. The high frequency program will (in milli-seconds) recognize this imbalance, buy the shares for $9.50 and sell them to me for $10, pocketing the 50 cents per share difference.

How is this allowed to happen, you ask?

Money, is the correct reply. For a fee, the high frequency traders are plugged into the trading computers and reading orders before they reach everyone else. So they can read the data ahead of time and make the markets more efficient, basically by skimming off of every transaction that comes across the exchange electronically.

So now we know how Goldman and the other "too big to fail" banks out there have been making insane amounts of money over the last year without providing any goods or services to promote the welfare of the country. They have found a new way to game the system. They are not only "too big to fail", but they are also "not too proud to cheat".

Since most mutual funds and hedge funds have figured this little game out, they have started trading in "black pools", where they are not subject to the shark fins attached to an algorithmic computer program. So who is getting skinned alive and not even aware of it?

You guessed it. It is you and me, the retail investor, that is paying the bill for this shell game. If it were anyone else other than the US taxpayer/uninformed investor, this process for printing money would have been shut down ages ago.

Technically, I am incorrect in calling High Frequency traders "cheats", as they are legal and highly profitable for the exchanges that allow them. I don't think I am incorrect in calling them unfair.

Boring poetry time again..

Dear Congressman,

Here is a quick poem on people dear to your heart:

O' plastic man of hope
Who stands tall amidst the chaos
Who wines and dines and shines and decides
Lead us please, oh please, oh please
Our anger is real and confusion is honest
Our convictions are steered and opinions swayed

But you stand tall, o' plastic man of hope
Pounding the table with your sculpted messages
Nay a hair out of place nor hint of lint
Perfect in ways and means of the heart
Appropriating with ease
Abstaining when you please
Defiantly sliding earmarks under the door on a moonless night

And now it is time for the Lobbyist's ball
which mask should you wear to this gay affair?
and with whom shall you dance to avoid making a stance?
all the while skirting the buffet table
with it's many tasty hors d'oeuvres all laid in a row
awaiting your submission to their tempting lure
be careful, o' plastic man of hope, be careful

Meanwhile, the way has become unclear
with danger abound and miscreants attempting to bringing you down
but you are solid in your stance, o' plastic man of hope
with your feet perfectly placed and arms locked in solid grip
of the magnificent crowbar you wield
separating the dollars from the sense
with simplicity and smiles for the minions who vote
as it is their dreams of the future you tenuously tote
so heavy the load carried on your well tanned back
for you always manage to do so with thoughtful stares and CSPAN teeth
well done! o plastic man of hope! well done!

The Strokes... not the band though...

Dear Congressman,

As you are well aware, May is national stroke prevention month. As a chain smoker, I thought it would be a good idea to relay to you that strokes are the third leading cause of death in the US and the leading cause of adult disability.

Here is a list I found of symptoms that would indicate you are potentially having a stroke.

Sudden numbness or weakness in the face, arm or leg especially on one side of the body
Confusion or trouble understanding
Trouble seeing in both eyes
Trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination
Severe headache with no known cause

Personally,. I think the signs that they give for recognizing stroke are a little vague. Lets face facts here... if you throw out the first symptom from the list, you could be accurately describing 2/3rds of the US population over the age of 50 at any one point in time during the day. In fact, based on some of the Senate hearing panels I have observed recently, this would also accurately describe many senior members of that esteemed body as well.

All kidding aside, it is probably more important that individuals who are present with someone potentially in the throes of a stroke be aware of three steps to check and see if that individual might require medical attention. These are courtesy of Jane Brice, MD, assistant professor of emergency medicine at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill School of Medicine. In a matter of home town pride, the test is referred to as CPSS, or the Cincinnati Pre-Hospital Stroke Scale. It is a three part test as follows:

"Talk, wave, smile."

1. Tell the patient, "Show me your teeth." The "smile test" is used to check for one-sided facial weakness -- a classic sign of stroke.

2.Ask the patient to close their eyes and raise their arms. Stroke patients usually cannot raise both arms to the same height, a sign of arm weakness.

3. Ask the patient to repeat a simple sentence to check for slurring of speech, which is another classic sign of stroke. "The sky is blue in Cincinnati," and "Don't cry over spilled milk." are good examples to use.

That's it. If they fail that test, get them to the emergency room and save them from potential long term disability.

To reply... or not

Dear Congressman,

As you know we are currently selling off some of our possessions for the big move out of your district and into Steve Driehaus's domain. I guess I will have to change the blog title at that point, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

One thing we sold was a treadmill, which I got several interested parties contacting me regarding its status. To be fair, I contacted the people in order of receipt of their emails, and (as it happened) the first person who sent an email ended up purchasing the fine piece of Chinese made electronic exercise equipment.

More interesting was this exchange.

From: Heather & Andrew
To: sale-7ekev-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Hi my name is vikke and I'm interested in the treadmill if still available please give me a call @ xxx-xxxx

http://cincinnati.craigslist.org/spo/xxxxxxxx.html

So the name in the title and the body of the email don't match. Made me a little suspicious that it might be a spammer, but didn't really know or care that much, but since I had sold the treadmill to another party, I thought it would be polite to just reply to the email and let them know it was sold.

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
Sorry Vikke, it was sold last night.
Regards, Rich

End of story. Case closed. Turn out the lights... at least I thought....

In the mailbox this morning was the following:

From: Heather & Andrew
To: devolution_9
This is not her e-mail, I'm her friend, that's why she asked you to call her. I'll pass along the message however.

Now my first instinct after reading this was to go the sarcasm route on the reply, but as I do not know Heather personally, it is possible that Andrew makes a living harming other people in the boxing ring, so as I did not want to endanger my personal well-being, I decided to just put my possible replys here. So here goes...

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
You are a true friend. How did Vikke get so lucky?

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
And here I am thinking that Vikke was the Swahili spelling of Heather... my bad...

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
Thank you for explaining the relationship between yourself and Vikke. I will sleep much better tonight knowing this.

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
Heather, how do I know that you will really tell Vikke that she will not be hearing from me about the treadmill? I would hate to think that she spends the next few weeks waiting in vain for my call because you forgot to tell her. Think of the torment and anguish that she might go through just because you neglected to get back to her! She never gets to exercise, gains 200lbs, and leads a life of denial and self loathing all because of the treadmill she did not get. I hope you can live with yourself, Heather!

By the time I get to Phoenix ....

Dear Congressman,


It appears Arizona has come to the decision that the biggest problem facing these United States is not the record recession, high unemployment, or the housing bubble crisis. Nope, Arizona has pointed out that the biggest national problem is illegal immigration. Yes, those pesky Latin Americans who blatantly flaunt our laws by sneaking into Arizona, stealing purses from little old ladies in broad daylight, speaking Spanish in a completely un-American fashion, praying to a Catholic rather than Protestant God, working for wages that any red blooded American would turn their nose up at, and eating Mexican food other than that available from Taco Bell.

I apologize if I missed any stereotypical behavior, but I think I covered all the high points. So I thought I would help you in the halls of Congress by giving you a few suggestions on how to deal with this problem.

1. DNA laws of occupancy. This would be easy as DNA testing has come a long way since the days of the OJ Simpson trial. Arizona can simply pass a law stating that unless you can trace your DNA back to one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, then you are not welcome in their fine upstanding state. If you already live there, better contact a realtor and make your moving arrangements, because you are no longer welcome in Arizona. Exceptions can be made for Mayflower descendants on a case-by-case basis.

2. Internment camps for illegals. Yes, Arizona could be a real trend setter with this solution, bringing back those camps of the mid 1940s that stored our Americans of Japanese descent during World War II. In fact, all Arizona would have to do is pull out some old handbooks and fix up the old facilities, as the Poston and Gila River "War Relocation Centers", two of the largest internment camps from that era, are located inside Arizona's borders. They could even pass a law to require interned non-citizens to pay a boarding charge, thus reversing the long time flow of money from the USA and have those pesos coming north to Arizona.

Or finally,

3. Genocide. Politically incorrect but extremely expedient, Arizona can simply amend their current ruling on ID checks to stipulate that if you do not have the proper documents to prove your citizenship at all times, you are subject to immediate execution by the law enforcement official who is questioning you. This would prove another boon to the Arizona economy as ammunition and casket sales would skyrocket. Additionally, there would a corresponding boom in alcohol sales and psychiatric services for law enforcement personnel as they begin to show signs of stress from all of the killings they are duty sworn to perform for the great state of Arizona.