Get Reel...

Dear Congressman,

I will start with first wishing you and yours a happy and healthy Thanksgiving. Now... on to today's topic.

A very popular form of entertainment among your constituents is to hop into the family automobile, head down to the local theatre, and catch the latest Hollywood release. I myself have spent untold hours pursuing this recreational assignment, usually with mixed results.

Not to criticize the Screen Writers Guild of America, but does every script have to be written so the good guys are victorious? Sometimes it stretches the realm of reality, so given that criticism I would like to present some minor additions to the end of well known films to make them more plausible.

Independence Day (1996)

Summary : This movie ends with the survivors of the US Government hiding at Area 51 and defeating a fleet of large Alien spaceships by invading the mothership in Earth's orbit, downloading a computer virus that lowers all their protective shields, and then allows other survivors around the world to shoot down the offending over sized space crafts. Also, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum escape from the mothership just before the thermonuclear device they left behind turns it into pixie dust.

Rewrite : After the spaceships are shot down and crashed into earth, there are quite a few aliens who survive. These aliens band together to form a resistance movement that is taken in by Kim Jong-il, since he has more in common with the aliens than with human life forms (see 2004's Team America, World Police). Under his protection, they rebuild advanced technology weapons that, within six months after their defeat, allow them to again attack the world's population and take over. The Democratic People's Republic of Korea becomes the Democratic Alien's Republic of the World.

It's a Wonderful Life (1946)

Summary : Most everyone is familiar with the story of George Bailey and his soul reviving brush with an angel that shows him that his life does have meaning, as the movie ends with the entire town pitching in money to save his bank from ruin due to some nitwit leaving $8000 on a park bench. The bank is saved and George Bailey lives happily ever after.

Rewrite: After the happy ending, the scene cuts to 40 years in the future. Bailey Home and Loan is now BHL, Inc, the biggest writer of sub-prime mortgages in the world. It is June 2008, and George Bailey, III is trying to convince Gordon Gecko, now that he is on parole (see 1987's Wall Street), to help him to raid another more conservative bank for their capital to write more garbage mortgages in Sacramento, CA and Ft Myers, Fl. This time collapse of Bailey's bank occurs before they can pull it off, with the bankruptcy taking down the entire US financial system with it. The movie ends with George Bailey, III quietly slips out the back of his $47 million mansion with a one way ticket to Argentina as the FBI are breaking down his door with a search and arrest warrant.

The Sting (1973)

Summary: Robert Redford and Paul Newman stage a fake bookie operation against the odds to steal half a million from a gangster, Robert Shaw, who killed their friend Luther. The story ends with a faked shootout between Newman & Redford and a fooled Shaw hustled out of the betting parlor before he got arrested. Everyone laughs and splits up the money.

Re-write : One of the minor participants in the sting gets drunk at a bar and brags about what they did to a stranger. The stranger goes to Shaw, who then hunts down the conspirators one by one, saving Redford and Newman for last. The movie ends with the duo beat to a pulp on a construction site, where they are encased in concrete while still alive and used for the cornerstone of the new Bailey Home and Loan Building....

Save the kitties...

Dear Congressman,

Saw the following story on the BBC the other day....

Cat rescue earns keeper a booking

A cat got close to the action in a top-flight match in Croatia

Goalkeeper Ivan Banovic was booked after rescuing a pitch-invading cat during a top-flight match in Croatia.

Medjimurje Cakovec's Banovic picked up the wandering feline after it strayed on to the pitch 20 minutes into his team's match at Sibenik.

He placed it safely near a scoreboard but was then booked by the referee for leaving the pitch without permission.

Media reports said the official's actions annoyed fans, who barracked him for punishing Banovic's kind deed.

They say that you learn something everyday. Today I learned that in the land of my birth, Great Britain, that the President of the United States' first name is also usable as a verb for verbal abuse..... interesting.

Also, I understand that it is a rule that the referee should give a yellow card to any player who leaves the field (pitch) without their permission, however I think the governing authorities can give some leeway...maybe like one of those famous "talking to's" complete with exaggerated hand gestures and "I am in charge" command voice, rather than reaching into the back pocket and whipping out the yellow warning card for performing a humane and civic duty.

If this is the course we are taking, where it is more important to stay between painted limestone lines rather than getting a helpless creature out of harms way, I suggest that we just issue goalkeepers a large club to keep in the back of the net, that way they can bash the offending mammal into submissions before flinging it into the crowd, thus allowing some lucky spectator the prospect of "road-kill" stew after the match...

Or not...

A Roof over our heads....

Dear Congressman,

Several months ago my roof developed a small leak that stained the ceiling in the corner of my kitchen. After checking to make sure I did not have a mold problem, I decided it was time to put a new roof on my house.

I bought my home 12 years ago, and at that time I was aware that three years before that the seller had re-tiled over the top of the original roof, thus having two layers of shingles guarding Melody and I on a nightly basis.

However, the problem comes in with the original tiles below becoming brittle and the tar paper basically dissolving into dust. Unlike a single layer, this "quick fix" will only put off the inevitable need for a replacement roof within 10 to 15 years. Alas, that time had come.

My son in law, with some financial incentive, agreed to take a three day weekend and help me to put on the roof. We went to Lowes on a Wednesday night last Wednesday and bought about $27oo of roofing materials to accomplish the job. Fortunately, as a Union Ironworker and all around handyman, he pretty much had all the tools necessary for completion of the task. Plus, we hired two of his friend to help for the weekend.

Here is what I have learned from the last three days.

1. All male high school juniors (16-17 year old) need to spend at least two weeks in during their summer vacation before either their junior or senior year stripping and then re-tiling a couple of roofs. This will guarantee that the amount of males enrolling in college or trade school multiply exponentially in attempts to avoid a lifetime of roofing or similar back-breaking work.

2. Anyone who decides to put a second layer of shingles on a roof without removing the original layer first should be required to personal get up on the roof and remove both layers single handed. It is amazing what scrapping off and then hauling to a dumpster over 2 tons of roof will do to manipulate financial decisions.

3, A law needs to be passed by Congress to require that a single bundle of shingles be cut in half so the weight of the aforementioned package is decreased from 80lbs (36.3kg) to 40lbs (18.15kg). After spending 1 1/2 days removing and hauling several tons of roofing debris and then laying down tar paper, the 1 hour session of hauling an additional ton of shingles 80lbs at a time can prove to be a life altering event.

That's about it. As I write this I am in recovery mode, however we still have about 1/2 a day of work left to finish the job, as the highest point of my house is still tar paper over plywood.

Oh, and by the way, if there is a hell, then it has a company call Lucifer's Roofers, where middle aged white executives spend all eternity roofing while supervised by hispanic immigrants who play cards all day....

Virus spotting 101

Dear Congressman,

I received the following email at work today.

-----Original Message-----
From: Customer Support
Sent: Thursday, November 19, 2009 10:17 AM
To:

Subject: payment request from "American Reprographics Company"


We recorded a payment request from "American Reprographics Company" to enable the charge of $4085.12 on your account.


The payment is pending for the moment.


If you made this transaction or if you just authorize this payment, please ignore or remove this email message. The transaction will be shown on your monthly statement as "American Reprographics Company".


If you didn't make this payment and would like to decline it, please download and install the transaction inspector module (attached to this letter).



Lets break this down, shall we?

1. "Customer Support"? This looks like a payment request. Doesn't seem right to be using technical support's favorite title when you are trying to collect a debt. Maybe change that to "Customer Service", since (as George Carlin would have phrased it) you are attempting to "service the customer".

2. No name in the To: field. As a customer, do I not mean enough to you to merit a personalized greeting? Am I just another wallet to be raided?

3. A payment request from American Repographics Company? Pretty generic stuff so far. Nice choice for a spam letter, as this is a pretty large company with offices from Miami to Seattle.

4. Pretty poorly worded opening sentence, as they are trying to let you know that "Customer Support" is omnipresent and can, at any time, charge your account for $4,805.12 for a billing that has no invoice number, no invoice date, or description of services. Now logically, if these guys could dip into your account for $4,805.12 without prior approval and actually keep the money, then they wouldn't be sending you this poorly worded email now, would they?

5. Ah... the punch line... requiring action on your part to stop them from "$4085.12ing" you to death. For your convenience and since you trust "Customer Support" so much, you simply have to open the "transaction inspector module" that is attached to the email and this mystery billing will be stricken from their books and all correspondences will cease.

The sad part is that there is a percentage of the population who is going to fall for this guise, click on the attachment to the "letter", and unleash a virus on their computer network so lethal that Bill Gates will instantaneously choke to death on a ham sandwich in his kitchen once it is installed.

It is the wicked taking advantage of the ignorant.

If for no other reason, this is why you want your kids to pay attention in school....

I just can't "Stan" it.....

Dear Congressman,

Since Afghanistan has been in the news so much with their recently rigged .... errr... fair elections, I thought it might be helpful to review some of the other countries in the region that are not quite as volatile as the land that gave us the Taliban. Here are some of the ones we never really hear about.

Maakanuplanstan - This is probably one of the most famous of the "stans", as it declared independence from Uzbekistan in late 1975 and has since replaced Islam with Simonism, or the worship of Paul Simon as the national religion. They are very tourist friendly, however there is a separatist movement of known as the Art of the Garfunkelstans, which tends to sing an octave or two higher than the Simonites but can't write a song to save their lives.

Werizwaldostan - This small and historically irrelevant country is tucked neatly in an undisclosed location that has baffled the United Nations for years, as delegates keep showing up in New York to present their credentials but wouldn't reveal where their country is on a map. During the crisis period that ensued after 911, Vice President Dick Chaney spent several months there.

Kepdownbydastan - A nice place but the inhabitants tend to be a little defensive. They will be very quick to tell you that all the other "stans" treat them a second class "stan", and the economy is supported by emigres working in the other "stans" and sending money home.

Parenttzdonntundirstan - This nation has a fairly young median age, but the council of elders that run the country keep passing a law that raises the driving age every year to keep the "youths" off the roads and menacing the other citizens. Per last session of the council, the driving age is now 54, but you can get a learners permit starting at age 42, as long as a licensed driver is in the car and you have the permission of your parents. This country holds the continuing record for the lowest birth rate in the world and the highest percentage of visa applications for residency anywhere in the world other than here.

and finally:

Custerzlasstan - The indigenous population has unique genetic traits as all the males tend to have long flowing blond hair and an inability to follow simple commands or instructions. They also tend to be very paranoid about being attacked at any time by one of the other "stans". They wear boots, too.

Dead (end) JOB....

Dear Congressman,

I recently saw this story on the AP wire and just wanted to share....

The unemployment rate may top 10 percent, but there is an opening at the University of California, Santa Cruz, for a Deadhead. The library is advertising for an archivist to handle the library's Grateful Dead collection. A master's degree in archives management is required, as is "expert knowledge in the history of and scholarship of contemporary popular music, or American vernacular culture, preferably the history and influence of the Grateful Dead.
So let's help the library with its search. What questions would you ask at the interview?


What questions would I like to ask at the interview? Hmmm..... lets take a shot at that, shall we?

1. How much weed can you smoke before it affects your work?

2. As part of the job duties, you will be required to be able to distinguish between Panama Red Brick, Southeastern Lebanon Blond Cake, Taos Vibrating Purple, and Santa Clara Brown Bonestoner hashish. How would you proceed?

3. Some of the papers in the collection may include sheets of blotter acid or left over LSD from the 1983 Bakersfield Concert in the Park. Do you have a high tolerance level for hallucinigenics and their many unusual effects?

4. Have you ever suffered from mild to moderate phases of paranoia? If not, are you open to the idea?

5. The University is not a bottomless pit of money, so would you be willing to outline your minimum caloric requirements for when you suffer from the munchies.....

6. Are you experienced with the symptoms of overdosing? In a pinch, would you be able to coach a co-worker through an ice bath and/or use a cardiac needle on them or potential yourself?

and finally

7. UC Santa Cruz promotes and encourages a drug-free work environment. Are you willing to sneak your stash into the office using orifices usually reserved for other bodily functions?

Undelayed Flights

Dear Congressman,

Since the beginning of 2009, I have personally boarded eleven different flights for various destinations, both work related and personal. As a frequent flier yourself, you are probably aware that most flights appear to be departing at full capacity, with only two of my trips having any open seats available.

But with this many people crowding onto airplanes comes the problem of on-time departures, with delays mainly being caused by weather at main hub airports (New York, Chicago, etc). Another source of delays in departure are the actual passengers themselves, as they take forever and a day to get onto the plane and plant their butts in their seats.

We have all met the person in line in front of us who arrives at their seat, looks at their ticket, looks at the seat number on the console above them, looks at the ticket again, thinks for a minute, then proceeds to scan around for an overhead slot to put the over-sized bag that they brought on the plane because they did not want to pay the bag fee. After several minutes of concentrated searching, this person finally finds the spot to put their bag, usually the last place they thought to look, which is directly over their seat, and then proceed to take another minute of bag wrestling to get it perfectly placed to their own particular demands. At this point, the person will fake a movement to their seat, turn and give you a half smile, and then proceed to spend another several minutes in the aisle while they take off their coat, fold it in a maticulous fashion, and then stow it in the overhead area as well. Finally, as if conceding to the inevitable tide of angry people winding from the row in front of them all the way up to the gate, the person finally sits down in his/her seat so everyone else can now get to their assigned area.

Normally there are only four or five of these people, but they tend to be the first people on the plane, thus backing up the rest of us like a latrine at a cheese festival. So now the plane is delayed and the majority of the passengers are pissed off, knowing that some will miss their connecting flights due to Mr/Mrs Slow Boarder Extraordinaire.Â

How do we fix it... simple... we make these people get on last, in seat number order so they do not block each other as they take their time stowing their bags and getting into their seats.

Now you ask... how do you figure to get them on the plane last?

Again, a simple solution. Most major airlines board by zone number, which allows them to spread people through the plane and get to their seats more easily. This only works well if you can eliminate the Slow Boarder Extraordinaires from the equation.

Nowadays, when boarding a plane, the gate agent will scan your ticket. I propose that the scanning of a ticket starts a timer on the seat location on the ticket. The timer is only turned off when 50lbs of pressure or more is applied to the seat listed on the ticket. The program will need logic to deduct time from people who are stuck behind the Slow Boarder, but after a few flights the airlines will be able to identify who these wasteful slugs are on a regular basis. Once they have been tagged as a habitual human flight delay machine, then they are given a "Zone 25 status"

Thus, when they get their next airplane ticket, they will be assigned boarding Zone 25.

So it would go something like this:

"I would like to announce the boarding of flight 178 to Spokane, now boarding Zone 1 only."

Five minutes later

"Now boarding Zones 1 - 4. Zones 1 - 4 only."

Ten minutes later...

"Now boarding Zones 1- 5. Boarding Zones 1 -5 at this time."

Ten minutes later...

"Final boarding call for flight 178. All Zone 25 passengers are free to board at this time....."

Pull over!!!!

Dear Congressman,

I saw this news story on the BBC, and since I am completely obsessed with driving and traffic I felt it necessary to share it with you.

Man breaks 15 laws in 11 minutes

A driver has confounded Swiss police by committing 15 traffic violations in just over 10 minutes, officials say.
The 47-year-old initially raced past an unmarked police car in heavy rain at 160 km/h (100mph) before weaving close to other cars and the road's kerb.
The serial offender clocked up further offences for speeding, driving on the hard shoulder, running a set of red lights and failing to stop for police.
When finally pulled over by St Gallen police, he failed a drugs test.
The unnamed driver, who lives near Zurich, faces a lengthy driving ban and a possible jail sentence when he appears before a Swiss court.
"I can't remember a case this serious," a police spokeswoman told the BBC of Sunday's infringement spree. "It's remarkable."


Personally, I think I saw this guy on the freeway this morning as he blazed by me at about 100 mph. I must admit that it is pretty impressive to amass 15 citations in less than a quarter of an hour. Plus, to be able to do it while higher than a homemade Colorado spaceship-like balloon is even more odds defying.

Too bad it was all during a rain storm, otherwise the footage from the Swiss police interceptors would have been fodder for the season premiere of "World's most danger police chases". The Fox network could have had a field day advertising:

(Teaser running on screen of part of chase while deep pitched voice states:)
"You'd be remiss if you missed the Swiss as he does this"

Or something like that....