I just can't "Stan" it.....

Dear Congressman,

Since Afghanistan has been in the news so much with their recently rigged .... errr... fair elections, I thought it might be helpful to review some of the other countries in the region that are not quite as volatile as the land that gave us the Taliban. Here are some of the ones we never really hear about.

Maakanuplanstan - This is probably one of the most famous of the "stans", as it declared independence from Uzbekistan in late 1975 and has since replaced Islam with Simonism, or the worship of Paul Simon as the national religion. They are very tourist friendly, however there is a separatist movement of known as the Art of the Garfunkelstans, which tends to sing an octave or two higher than the Simonites but can't write a song to save their lives.

Werizwaldostan - This small and historically irrelevant country is tucked neatly in an undisclosed location that has baffled the United Nations for years, as delegates keep showing up in New York to present their credentials but wouldn't reveal where their country is on a map. During the crisis period that ensued after 911, Vice President Dick Chaney spent several months there.

Kepdownbydastan - A nice place but the inhabitants tend to be a little defensive. They will be very quick to tell you that all the other "stans" treat them a second class "stan", and the economy is supported by emigres working in the other "stans" and sending money home.

Parenttzdonntundirstan - This nation has a fairly young median age, but the council of elders that run the country keep passing a law that raises the driving age every year to keep the "youths" off the roads and menacing the other citizens. Per last session of the council, the driving age is now 54, but you can get a learners permit starting at age 42, as long as a licensed driver is in the car and you have the permission of your parents. This country holds the continuing record for the lowest birth rate in the world and the highest percentage of visa applications for residency anywhere in the world other than here.

and finally:

Custerzlasstan - The indigenous population has unique genetic traits as all the males tend to have long flowing blond hair and an inability to follow simple commands or instructions. They also tend to be very paranoid about being attacked at any time by one of the other "stans". They wear boots, too.