Live from Capitol Hill

Dear Congressman,

Sorry I have been remiss in updating you regularly via this blog, however I have been fairly busy recently with mundane but necessary life events. In fact, my main de-blogging factor has been paperwork, and lots of it.

But I digress...

Today I thought I would present missing transcripts from a Senate hearing the other day about the attempted Christmas bombing.

Sound of gavel banging

Senator Blouhard : This session will come to order. First victim...errr... witness will be acting head of the Transportation Security Administration, Dr. Michael Searcher. Please swear in the witness...

Mumbling and hands on a bible take place.

Senator Blouhard : Would anyone like to make an opening statement?

All Senators raise their hands and start talking at the same time.

Senator Blouhard : Eh... well, given our limited amount of time available due to prior commitments of the committee members, lets just get right to the questioning. Senator Vaine?

Senator Vaine: (staring right into the camera) Yes, Dr. Searcher, what exactly were you doing, other than not doing your job, when this man attempted to blow up this plane?

Dr. Searcher : Senator, as it was Christmas day, I spent most of the day with my family, except in the evening, when I went to an event at....

Senator Vaine : So let me get this straight, while terrorists were putting in place a plan to destroy the transportation infrastructure of these United States of America, you were gaily attending a wild party, drinking and cavorting with others and ignoring the threats against our beloved nation.

Dr. Searcher : Yes, Senator, in fact I remember seeing you there, since it was at your house and you personally had invited me.

Senator Vaine : Please let the record show that the acting director freely admitted to abandoning his duties. Thank you chairperson, I am done with this witness.

Senator Blouhard : The chair recognizes Senator Hogg.

Senator Hogg : So Dr Searcher, how long have you been drinking on the job?

Dr. Searcher : (Bewildered look) Excuse me, Senator? I don't ever remember drinking while working.

Senator Hogg : So you are telling me that you consume so much alcohol on a regular basis that you can't even remember doing it???? (stated loudly into the microphone for effect)

Dr. Searcher : That is not what I meant.

Senator Hogg : So you do sometimes remember you are at your desk even though you are completely soused?

Dr. Searcher : Senator, you are twisting my words.

Senator Hogg : Let the record show that the witness refused to answer the question.

Senator Blouhard : Thank you for that incite, Senator Hogg. The chair now recognizes Senator Egomon.

Senator Egomon : Let me say for the record, sir, that I am disgusted by your very presence. How do you live with yourself, sir, when helpless people could have been killed needlessly on that airplane on Christmas day, all because of your affinity for alcohol and love of the nightlife. If anyone lost their life that night, it would have been on your head, and I would have done everything in my power to make sure that you would have prosecuted to the full extent of the law, up to and including your execution, which I would have gladly attended and watched while they strap you up to Old Sparky and run 1.1 jigawatts through your worthless torso!!!!!

Dr. Searcher stares blankly with his mouth wide open. He turns to his counsel next to him. His counsel leans forward to the microphone.

Dr. Searcher's attorney : Does the Senator have an actual question for the witness?

Senator Egomon :Yes, I do. Dr. Searcher, since you have obviously failed miserably at your one main appointed task of preventing terrorist from attempting to kill innocent Americans, why should we not just have the District of Columbia police department come over to your offices, beat you senseless with nightsticks as you fully deserve, and throw you out onto the front lawn of the TSA administrative building so the American public can pummel you as well?

Dr. Searcher continues to stare at Senator Egomon without responding. He again turns to counsel.

Dr. Searcher's attorney :Dr. Searcher elects to invoke his fifth amendment rights at this time.

Dr. Searcher now stares at his attorney in disbelief. Flashbulbs are going off and loud background noise rises from the gallery as Senator Blouhard bangs his gavel and tries to maintain order.

END OF TRANSCRIPT...