America sings!

Dear Congressman,

Back in 1969, after previously being turned down by 34 record companies, Don McLean finally signed with a company called Media Arts, and within 2 years had released his classic song "American Pie". This song has been interpreted in many different ways, but I though it might be interesting to see what it would look like if radio host Rush Limbaugh had contributed in writing it. Rush's changes are inserted in the song for your consideration:

(To the tune of American Pie)

A long long time ago
I can still remember how that music used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my show
That I could prove that liberals blow
And maybe they'd be quiet for a while
But January made me shiver
With the Democrats selling us down the river
Bad news on the doorstep
Four years of this Obama schlepp
I can remember that I cried
When I realized my party's slide
And where Obama would reside
The day the Republicans died

So, goodbye, my American Pride
Sold my chevy to fund a levy
But I'm swimming against the tide
And them good old lefty boys will laugh til they cry
Singin' Bush's reign is over, bye-bye
Let's legalize pot and get high

Did you write the new Book of Laws
And do you blindly follow just because
The Democrats told you so
Do you believe big government plans
Will Uncle Sam pay for your health care scans
And can you tell me how to stop this show
Well, I know you've been hypnotized by him
'Cause of your glossy eyes and your stupid grin
You couldn't be any pinker
Because you bought into Barrack hook, line and sinker
I'm now a lonely, middle aged republican buck
With a "W" sticker still on his pickup truck
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the Republicans died
I started singin'

Goodbye, my American Pride
Sold my chevy to fund a levy
But I'm on the wrong side
So those lefty boys shared their pot supply
Now it doesn't seem as bad since I'm high
But I could really go for a hot ham on rye....

Uncut... literally

Dear Congressman,

I was listening to a program by the BBC about the Guinness Book of World Records when I came across the info below.

Longest Fingernails – Female
WHO: Lee Redmond
WHAT: 8 m 65 cm (28 ft 4.5 in)
WHERE : Lo show dei record, Madrid, Spain
WHEN: As of 1979
Lee Redmond (USA), who has not cut her nails since 1979, has grown and carefully manicured them to reach a total length of 8.65 m (28 ft 4.5 in) as measured on the set of Lo show dei record in Madrid, Spain, on 23 February 2008.

Let me get this straight, Ms. Redmond has not cut her nails since the Jimmy Carter administration?

Wow....

A few points here,

I would send Ms. Redmond an email to congratulate her, but unless she has learned to type with her toenails (which I assume are of normal length) there is no way on earth she can get her hands near a keyboard.

And her hair looks nice and shiny, which must be due to Mr. Redmond and his magic scrubbing fingers, as there is very little chance that Ms. Redmond is able to break out the Head & Shoulders and "wash, rinse , repeat" without assistance.

Basically, any day to day task would seem to become very cumbersome, as I would think Ms. Redmond would be so worried about breaking one of her precious nails that she would not be able to hold a knife and fork, a segment of toilet paper, or a martini.

And her make-up looks pretty professionally done, I would probably bet when she is around the house she never slaps any on, otherwise there is a pretty good chance Ms. Redmond would (by now) require the use of an eyepatch.

I would also have to assume that Ms. Redmond has mastered the art of using her nose, teeth, and knuckles to work the ATM. That is if she was able to drive the car to the bank in the first place and get in and out of it.

Anyway, I think you get my point. So congrats on making the Guinness Book, Ms. Redmond. Now can I have your autograph?.........

Or not....

Fairy Tales... uncut

Dear Congressman,

While you have been in the halls of Congress fighting against socialism and all things left of center, I starting wondering about fairy tales, in particular the ones Disney made into movies. What were the sources? Did Disney stay true to the original?

Inquiring minds want to know..... Here are two examples...

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Disney version - A princess invokes a curse that on her 16th birthday she will prick her finger on a spinning wheel and die. Curse is altered to eternal sleep if cut and all spinning wheels are outlawed. Cursor leads Princess to spinning wheel on 16th birthday, Princess falls into deep sleep, and Cursor throws Prince into dungeon. Prince escapes, kisses Princess, she awakes, all happy...

Original version - Talia is cursed at birth to be killed by flax. Gets under fingernail as teenager and kills her. Is left on table where local King, hunting nearby, decides to indulge in necrophilia. Nine months later, twins are born, and trying to nurse, suck the flax out from under her fingernail and awaken her from death. He comes back, invites her to palace, where queen decides to serve the twins to him as a meal in revenge. She has the Cook feed them to him in a course of meals, then decides to throw Talia on a fire to burn her to death(again with the death thing !). King discovers this and throws Queen on the fire instead, and her servants for good measure. Before he can cook the Cook, the cook discloses that the kids are still alive and he didn't eat them. Everyone lives happily ever after.

CINDERELLA

Disney version - Beautiful daughter lives with evil stepmother and step-sisters. Gets a wish and goes to ball to meet Prince. Loses slipper running from ball. Prince searches Kingdom for her. Step-sisters try on slipper first and it doesn't fit. Fits her... happily ever after.

Original version - Zezolla (Cinderella) and nanny kill stepmother. Nanny becomes evil stepmother, complete with 6 stepdaughters. Zezolla captures fairy and gets prom clothes. Goes to many balls. Prince falls for her and has help hunt for her. She drops a piaella (1ft tall stiltlike cork-soled galoshes worn over slippers) and scared servant gives to Prince. Prince goes hunting and ends up at Zezolla's house. Stepmother has first daughter cut off big toe to fit into piaella, but blood tips off Prince. Second daughter cuts off part of her heels, but that pesky blood tips off the sharp-witted Prince one more time. Comes back and finds Zezolla. For good measure, the two foot carving step-sisters are blinded for being so jealous of their kin folk. Almost everyone lives happily ever after.

I think Disney took a few liberties in post producton... don't you?

Turn ... turn... turn... turn..... NOW!!!

Dear Congressman,

I was driving through our district this weekend when I came across a left hand turn signal with two turn lanes. Now, about twenty years ago it was pretty much unheard of to have more than one designated turn lane for a left hand turn in America. However, as populations have grown and the number of vehicles on the road exploded exponentially over the last few years, more and more intersection have the dual turning arrows of modern day efficiency glowing above the asphalt surfaces in question.

Which leads to an interesting point (at least for me it is interesting). How come no one has come up with a guide for how to figure out which lane to use? Surely there should be some statistic study that could lend direction as to what lane would have the best probability of getting you to your ultimate destination in a more timely manner.

Since I could find no such beast, I decided I would take a stab at it. Remember, the purpose of this exercise is to get you to your final destination quickest and without causing damage to your vehicle or any of the ones around you....

RULE ONE: If there is a single car in one of the lanes then use the other lane.
This one is a no-brainer, unless you have reason to be in the other lane within the next quarter mile, you can easily get over if there is light traffic.

RULE TWO: If there is a car in each lane ahead of you, avoid the lane with the "blue-hair". Willie Nelson made the song "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain" popular in the mid-seventies, but these days it should be sung as Mojo Nixon rewrote it "Blue hairs driving in my lane". With that said, I have nothing but respect for senior members of our society, but some of them drive more like Cheech and Chong then A.J. Foyt. If you are pulling up behind a car that is an older model Cadillac or Buick and you can barely see the head of the person over the back of the front seat, you are potentially situating yourself behind a "blue-hair" and have a higher than average probability of sitting through the light for two cycles when their reaction time causes the light to change back to red before you can get to it.

RULE THREE: If there is a car in each lane, avoid the lane with a older car with a temporary license plate. Pulling up behind a brand new mini-van or sedan with temporary tags instead of a license plate can serve you well, as the new car owner is always tempted to show the person next to him/her how zippy their new ride is, but when if you pull up behind a rust bucket on its last legs with a temporary tag, this probably indicates that the last time that car did zero to sixty in under thirty seconds was when Ronald Reagan could still remember to wear black shoes with a blue suit. Nine times out of ten if you pull up behind this car if will prove to be faster if you actually got out and pushed it through the intersection then if you wait for it to clear it on its own.

RULE FOUR: If there are four or five cars in one of the lanes and only one in the other, there is probably a reason for it. You could be setting yourself up to be caught behind a temp tagger or a blue-hair special, so look long and hard before making your decision on this one. However, since the advent and growth of cellular communications, sometimes this anomaly will occur due to the other drivers having more important things to do than operating their vehicles, such as gossip and/or discuss who should have been booted off the show on whatever reality TV show happened to be on television the night before.

RULE FIVE: If there are more than four vehicles in each lane, avoid the one with the large truck in it. These marvels of modern commerce might be great for keeping food in the supermarket and gas in the fuel stations, but a fully loaded truck trumps a temp tagger and a blue hair every time. They are pretty much like a Saturn Five rocket taking off, plenty fast once they got up a head of steam but snail race slow out of the gates.

Anyway, that should get the discussion started, hopefully when Congress has finally gotten past that pesky health insurance and bank regulation issues then important topics such as the one I have raised today can be debated and acted upon.....

J'aime la musique

Dear Congressman,

During the course of my work day my department occasionally receives bankruptcy notices from companies that we do business with on a day to day basis. In most cases they are chapter 11 filings, which is a methodology that allows the company to re-organize their debt structure via the bankruptcy courts and re-emerge with a lighter debt load. If this does not work, they file chapter 7, which in US Federal court (all bankruptcies are a Federal, not State matter) means that they are throwing their hands in the air, saying "uncle", and giving up the business, at which time the company assets are all sold off to pay off all the creditors to the extent that there is cash generated to do so.

So you say "thanks for the bankruptcy lesson, Rich... but why do I care?"

Because today I received a bankruptcy notice from a company that has terrorized the general public of this (and many other) countries for many, many years. The shame of the matter is that they are only filing chapter 11, which means they plan on trying to stay in business, rather than implode like a black hole, since they suck the life out of any person who is familiar with their mindless product. One could only hope that they eventually have to file as a chapter 7, though the banal services and goods they provide to the planet's population would not produce any income for the creditors of this firm. And in the same breath... shame on you for lending them money in the first place, creditors !!! For supporting this farce of business for so long and inducing migraines worldwide from dealing with their product, you deserve to lose every nickel you sank into this disgrace.

What company could be so horrible as to be such a blight on the face of humankind? That would be a little outfit called Muzak Holdings LLC. If you are not acquainted with this company, their product is commonly referred to as "elevator music". Yes, these are the hucksters that take a perfectly good song and turn them into zombie versions of themselves complete with string sections and muted horn instruments, so as not to disrupt productivity of the working public. Heaven forbid that someone actually taps their foot to a song while typing a memo. It would be the end of the world!!!!

So join me in reciting :
Muzak is broke
it must be a joke!
It isn't you say?
Well, what a great day!

A team ... a team... my kingdom for a team

Dear Congressman,

No doubt you are also in shock over the continued ability of our hometown football team, the Cincinnati Bengals, to again manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. It was proven once and for all this last Sunday that the football gods have squarely placed their deity feet on the back of the Bengals, in an endless cycle of "keeping the team down".

Except, usually in a cycle pattern, luck and fate with occasionally throw you a bone, in the form of a winning season with a playoff win or two... but not in this case. The Bengals have made the playoffs once in the last 19 years, in 2005, only to be unceremoniously dumped out by the Pittsburgh Steelers when quarterback Carson Palmer was injured on one of the first plays of the game.

And now on Sunday, while leading 7-6 with 38 seconds left in the game and the opponent Denver Broncos pinned back on their own 10 yard line, the Bengals give up what is now being called "the immaculate deflection", where a pass was batted away from the intended receiver, only to be caught by another receiver in the same general vicinity and who then ran down the field for a game winning touchdown.

I am still sick to my stomach.....

I like to describe the Bengals as having a girlfriend who constantly cheats on you. It might take a few weeks into the season before you catch on, but she will eventually break your heart, usually before the mid-point of the season.

Then you dump her for the rest of the football season, occasionally glancing at the sports highlights on the news or reading the Monday morning newspaper sports page to see how they did, but not donating any quality time to the relationship, cemented in your commitment that this time you are leaving her for good and not turning back.

And then next July, training camp opens up and you again let them back into your life, confident that this year it will be different. She has changed her ways. She will be faithful to you. She will be a winner! And then by NFL week four, the team is usually off to a 1-3 start and you have again been cheated on...

Like the shampoo bottle says... lather, rinse, repeat.....

Dude, where's my pub?

Dear Congressman,

Back in the late seventies I was a long haired teenager of sixteen and living in England, where I attended both American Community School (ACS)- Wimbledon and then ACS-Knightsbridge for my first two years of high school. Living in England allowed me to make new friends and explore the many centuries of history that were available to see on a day-to-day basis, making London one of my favorite cities in the world to this day. Plus, originally being born in the UK meant I had roots there, making it more of a family event on holidays such as Christmas, when we could visit and stay with relatives that we would normally just call with seasons greetings rather than making jolly with them.

I made many friends while attending the ACS schools, and as teenagers, you could probably guess that a favorite activity was to visit any of the numerous pubs and sample the local wares. I know... the drinking age in England is 18, you say... but it was not strictly enforced and as long as you were not too loud or causing trouble there was no problem in getting served.

One of our favorite areas to haunt was the King's Road area in Chelsea, where the World's End Pub, the Chelsea Potter, and the Chelsea Drugstore were well known to us. Of the three, you have probably heard of the Chelsea Drugstore, courtesy of the lyrics of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones. I remembered the Chelsea Drugstore as having that Austin Powers type look, with a modern exterior and equally modern settings inside. So back in 2006 when my wife and I last stayed in London, I dragged her up the King's Road on a mini-pub crawl to visit the premises.

Only I could not find it. Instead, I found this...


I was confused. It had the same strange architecture and adjoining courtyard that I remember from my high school days, but instead of serving lager and lime they are now serving Big Mac and fries. If you look closely at the front entrance on the right hand side, you will clearly see the golden arches of the McDonald's corporate logo hanging out front of the Chelsea Drugstore.

Needless to say, I was floored. This is progress? Next thing you know they will be handing out a knighthood to Mick Jagger....

Oh wait... it is Sir Mick, isn't it.

I didn't know whether to cry or buy some McDonald's stock. Maybe I should do both.

To quote the Talking Head's "If this is paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower"

Oh waiter!

Dear Congressman,

It appears that it is a tradition for the highest draft pick rookie to buy a dinner for the members of the NFL San Diego Chargers after completion of training camp.

This year it was Larry English, a player drafted from Northern Illinois who was given the honor of coughing up for a free meal for his very large and very hungry teammates. So you would think, say.. if you took your entire team to TGI Fridays that 53 people x $50 each would give you a bill of about $2,650 with a 15% tip added in... make it $3,050. A lot of money, no doubt, but since Mr. English signed a 5 year deal with an up front bonus of $20 million plus, it should not be too much of a strain on his wallet.

However, this is the National Football League, and these monster-sized eating machines can do a lot more damage to a restaurant than your normal every-day diner. One of Mr. English's teammates took a picture of the final bill and posted it on the Internet.

$ 14,508.67

Wow, that works out to $274 per player. That is an amazing feat in itself, unless the average entrée costs over $100 each, and that is not a restaurant that I have spent a lot of time inside. Even at $60 average entrée price you would still need to each 3 each per play to run up that kind of bill.

All I can say to that is .... well done, San Diego Chargers....

Can you imagine the fear generated if you are the owner of an all you can each lunch buffet and you see the San Diego Chargers team bus pull up in front of your place? In all likelihood they would consume the furniture and fixtures once they had obliterated the fully stocked buffet counters. Four visits by them and you would be filing Chapter 11 at the Federal Courthouse quicker than Rep. Joe Wilson can spot an illegal immigrant.

Corporate College defrauding 101

Dear Congressman,

Back here in the burbs of your fine constituency, we are still fighting our way through the great recession the best ways that we can. Many people have had to cut back on different entertainment venues, so the television in the corner of the room has been getting a fairly substantial workout in most households.

In fact, I had mine on this weekend and saw an interesting commercial. As usual for this time of year, it was a "back to school" ad for a major US retailer starring a college freshman and his mother as they happily equip and supply his dormitory room with items purchased directly at a discounted everyday price from the aforementioned retailer.

But it did raise a comment.

The dorm room. Wow... it was huge. I am over 20 years removed from my university days, so maybe I lack perspective. Are all dorm rooms that big nowadays? I remember dorm rooms were of a size only slightly larger than those available at Pelican Bay State Penitentiary, with just enough room for two beds and "mini-desks" for those who actually get round to studying while at school. Is this one of the shovel ready projects that the stimulus package is funding? And that window overlooking the campus. That room has almost as much glass as Schuller's Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, CA.

I'm impressed, but skeptical. If all dorm rooms were like this one, there would be no room left on campus for classrooms. Colleges would be overrun with extremely habitable but educationally challenging space constraints as all class would be held in the parking lots surrounding the campus. The Professor's Union would strike for better working conditions, as the weather forecast becomes a major consideration of their lesson planing and incidents of skin cancer goes through the roof.

All because a major retailer wanted to sell a few more linens....