This day in history

Dear Congressman,


I thought today that I would give you a brief run down on this day in history. Not that August 28 is really famous for that much, but I couldn't come up with anything else to write about, so this is it.

If you were part of the Lenape Indian tribe hanging out with your buddies at the shoreline of Poutaxat Bay in 1609, you were fairly shocked to see Henry Hudson sailing into view on the Half Moon and to eventually find out you were actually hanging out at Delaware Bay.

If you were a slave in an English colony on August 27, 1883 then you were no longer one today, as on this day slavery was banned by Parliament throughout the British Empire.

Today is a day of mourning for fans of all audio/visual media world-wide because in 1922 Queensboro Realty Company coughed up $100 to WEAF radio in New York City and then proceeded to spend 10 minutes of airtime touting the luxury of their new Hawthorne Apartment complex in the first commercial ever. The world has never been the same since.

Manuel Laureano Rodriguez Sanchez, aka Manolete, was considered one of Spain's greatest bullfighters of all time. But as Paul Gleason's character in the movie "The Breakfast Club" so aptly stated "You mess with the bull, you get the horns" came to pass for Manolete in Linares,Spain on this day in 1947 when, after defeating one bull earlier in the day, the second bullfight did not go as planned. Manolete managed to thrust his sword deep into the bull for the "estocada" to end the fight, however the bull had other ideas and before dying decided to implant a horn deeply into the bullfighter's right thigh, causing him to die later that day from the severe loss of blood that ensued. Final score: Manolete 2, Bulls 1.

In 1972, it was man-style to wear tight swimsuits, a large bushy mustache and to be able to swim fast, as Mark Spitz did all three to win his first gold medal in the 200 meter butterfly. Mark went on to win 6 more gold medals in Munich that year, and then went on to make millions pimping everything from Wheaties to razors to milk. It is unknown whether or not he has ever taken a bong hit, however....

John W. Hinkley was in court on this day in 1981, as the United States Justice system and the rest of the planet were rather interested as to why he thought Jodi Foster would be impressed with him if he tried to pump Ronald Reagan full of lead. Ronnie survived, Jodi moved on, and John pleaded not guilty, to which he eventually was found not guilty, but was awarded lifetime room and board in a white padded room as his reward.

And tragically, if you are a fan of airshows, this was not the day to be at one in 1988 in Ramstein, Germany as an Italian Air Force jet collided with 2 other jets while performing a flyby stunt. All three jets crashed and killed there pilots, with one of them careening into the crowd, killing 67 of them and injuring over 300, mainly due to burns caused by the aviation fuel. Yikes!

Poems from the dark side

Dear Congressman,

I think I have finally learned to rhyme .... sort of....

Angst for a moment lost

Ignoring the drugs that killed Elvis
and a diagnosis of many things flawed
I attempt to articulate feelings
but am mute, self contained, and a fraud

"I am not heartless and cold"
is the shrill echoing off my distant mental playground
the only true audience to my pain
is the self loathing in which I am attempting to drown

But I can only stare in awe
enamored by your calm and inner peace
as all around me are anxiety and fear
as I plead that you will be my release

It was not to be that time
nor every, if history lends guide
And I dismount the emotional ramparts I erected
and curse an opportunity denied

Suffering anew a wound once patched
I encounter it's venom claw at my spine
awakened from the time coma
and back for awhile, I am resigned

It must be love

Dear Congressman,

Recently I received the following email that I believe is going to change my life forever.

It read as follows:

Hello my friend!!!
This letter arrived to you from Russian Internet dating agency " Land of Love ".
This is not spam or other bad things. So, please, answer to me!!!
My name is Alisa. I'm 27 years old from Neya, Russia.
I have decided to change my life, and to find the man for me. The man for serious attitudes.
I addressed to agency " Land of Love " and they sent my letter to you.
I want to search man from USA for friendship or love.
I very much like the country USA, and I very much wish to visit this great country.
I'm not married and have no children.
This is my photo. I hope that you like it and will answer to me.

Please, answer only to my personal e-mail:

Best regards,
Yours Alisa.

This was my reply....

Dear Alisa,

Hello yourself!!! I must say I did not expect your email, as I don't remember sending any information to the Russian Internet dating agency "Land of Love". Are you sure it wasn't from the "Ugly, obese, unpleasant, American Sexist Pigs looking for hot, young, ignorant, foreign women to exploit Agency", because I am a card carrying member of that fine organization. But hey, maybe it just translate differently into Russian than into English.

I am glad to hear that this is not "spam or other bad things". I am so tired of other bad things occurring, but since my court appointed attorney told me not to speak about them until after the trial is finished, I will not go into any detail here.

I think I might be the man you are looking for, as I have been told on many occasions that I have a serious attitude problem, so this fits right in with your search for "serious attitudes".

As for "searching man from USA for friendship and love", I am sure that when we meet you will find that I fit this criteria as well, because due to my 450+ lb size it would take you a considerable amount of time to find anything on me due to the folds of fat tissue all over my body. Think of the fund we can have while you try!!!!

I must ask, however, that you resend the picture that was attached to the email. For some reason I cannot get it to open properly, as my computer crashed all three times I tried.

But I truly believe that we are meant to be together, because within a day of each crash someone has charged several thousand dollars to my credit card at a bar in ... guess where!... Moscow, Russia!!! If that is not a sign from the heavens that we are destined for each other than I don't know what is....

Anyway, please forward a new picture and write back soon.

Regards and looking forward to fun times together,

Reginald Snerd

For more information, dial...

Dear Congressman,

This weekend my wife and I decided to drive into central Kentucky and go hiking at Natural Bridge State Park. It is only about 2 1/2 hours drive from Cincinnati and this time of year it is beautiful with the many shades of green that nature provides as scenery. However, a couple of notes:

The last 40 miles to the park are traveled on the Bluegrass Memorial Parkway, which until recently was titled Kentucky State Route 402. This leads to the question... why the name change to include "Memorial"? Did all the bluegrass in Kentucky die and no one bothered to make a press release? As Kentucky is the "Bluegrass State", I think it would have been headline news in the local papers if this was the case, but not word one when I googled it.

Also, on three separate occasions we came across a sign before a bridge announcing that we were crossing the Red River. Now the first two times I saw the sign I thought "gee... quite a winding river!". But the third time in 10 miles I start to think. "Okay, they must be different rivers and the inhabitants of this county are so unoriginal that they named every creek, brook, stream, or puddle the "Red River". Fortunately, we arrived at our exit before a fourth occurrence of the "Red River" phenomena, otherwise I would have started to question my own sanity.

Lastly, they had numerous signs on the highway that boasted you could tune to a certain AM wavelength for traffic and/or tourist information. I would be exaggerating if I said I saw more than 30 cars during the entire 40 miles on the "Bluegrass Memorial Parkway". As I did not tune into the information on this AM station I can only imagine what they would be reporting on, but hey, it's my blog, so here is my best guess.

(sound of background static normally association with AM radio)
Hi travelers and welcome to Parkway radio, your guide to the pathway to the Kentucky Natural Bridge and destinations beyond. I'm Ranger Smith and first up is Bob Meeker with the daily buzzard report. Bob?

(voice in a barely understandable local drawl) Hey Ranger, the last report shows a large group hovering near the intersection of Rabid Raccoon Run and Possum Tail Trail so I gotta figure there's somethin' dead in the area. Back to you.

Thanks Bob, and now it is time for "Cookin' with Cooki". What's today's dish Cooki?

(voice in a barely understandable female local drawl) Well bless you, Ranger Smith and say hello to that wonderful mama of yours for me when you go home tonight! As for today's dish, I just got off the phone with Joe Beau Bob and he beat the buzzards to the roadkill that Bob Meeker was tracking so it looks like we'll be serving Pooch Pie Stew tonight at the diner. Come on down and have a bowl while we got it! Oh, yeah, and condolences to Jenni Mae on the loss of her beloved pet bloodhound "George". Back to you, dear.

Thanks Cooki. Sounds like good eatin' tonight at the Bucksnort Diner!

Recession poetry

Dear Congressman,

A short poem for your unfortunate constituents...


“Have a seat”
I sat in silence
“Do you know why you are here”
I shook my head
“There’s no easy way to say this”
I worried
“We have to let you go”
I panicked
“You’ll get severance”
I sighed
“Today is your last day”
I cried
"We very sorry"
I doubted
"If there is anything we can do"
I asked
"I'll check with Human Resources"
I rolled my eyes
"Someone will be escorting you out"
I bristled
"If there were any other way"
I was skeptical
"Good luck"
I need it.

You can call me Al

Dear Congressman,

Today we should discuss a topic that seems to divide our country into camps of believers and non-believers, each stuck fast in their own view of the world and unable or unwilling to listen to the views of outside parties. The topic causes people to vehemently fight over who is speaking the truth and who is an ungainly heretic who will burn in hell for all eternity for speaking such nonsense.

I am speaking of course about "global warming".

Actually, global warming is the term we use here in America, but is probably a misnomer. In listening to the BBC World Service, I have noticed that the European term for this debated phenomina is "climate change". If we think about it, this probably is a better term, as there are continually streams of people who love to point out that all of this future doom and gloom business is bunk.

I watched Al Gore's movie "An Inconvient Truth" several years ago and came away finding it informative but, how would you say, a bit sensational. I felt like if his vision of the future of the planet came to be that I could stop using my oven, as I could very easily flash fry my veggies on the sidewalk outside my house using a wok.

But one thing did stick with me from his message. The amount of carbon in the atmosphere has increased significantly since the start of the industrial revolution. This is something that is measurable and verifiable.

So the question would be: what will be the ultimate effect of all this extra carbon? Will we get a greenhouse effect and work on our tans? Or will Mother Nature use reverse pschology and plunge us into the next ice age? Or will the weather just become more extreme? Or... will it be a status quo?

Many claim that the extra carbon is heating up the atmosphere in a kind of greenhouse effect. I have been in a greenhouse or two, but they don't really compare to the atmosphere of an entire planet.

However, I do know is that sticking your head in the sand is not an answer, even if you don't think there is a question.

Please consult a physician

Dear Congressman,

Sorry about my recent absence from the blog, but between work and probate I had to take a few weeks off to catch up on life activities. Now back to the blog...

I am sure in D.C. when you are done stonewalling health care crazed democrats and tolerating ex-politicians turned grinning lobbyists you occasionally kick back in the office with a cold brew and a smoke while turning on the mindless drool-inducing content of television. And if you pay attention to the commercials there will invariably be a local doctor running his/her low budget commercial for his/her medical practice.

There is one ad that runs here in Cincinnati on a regular basis where the doctor in question talks about his qualifications, wearing that all calming white smock matched with an unnerving smile. I will not mention his name or specialty, as in today's litigious society I have no wish to spend money on a lawyer to defend my right to free speech, but this doctor has one characteristic that will ensure that I will never have need of his services (yes, he is a he)

In a nutshell, the doctor looks he could be either Siegfried or Roy. I personally am a Marcus Welby, MD kind of patient, wanting my doctor to look like he has had years of experience to impart wisdom but not so old as to argue with me about the benefits of bloodletting. However, I draw the line at having someone stand over me with a scalpel while I am drifting into an drug induced comatose state who sports a "business in the front, party in the back" hairdo and sounds like a poorman's Arnold, all the while being unsettled by the sound of tigers roaring just outside the door to the surgical suite.

Maybe I am just picky, but would you want to be operated on by a doctor who drums up business by running ads during The Simpsons or Southpark?