12 Rules of Employee Relations by Leona Hemsley (Part 2)

Dear Congressman,

I realize you have been waiting at the edge of your chair for the second part of the list, so ... here it is.


7. Do not retaliate against employees who communicate harassment / discrimination / whistleblower concerns. Yes, even little old me has trouble with this one, but it is much more satisfying to have the lawyers counter-sue the rat fink so their legal fees leave them heating ramen noodles on a camping stove under the downtown overpass, rather than the few moments of glee that comes when security throwing them out on the sidewalk. Eventually, you can fire them for cause because they are showing up late and smelling like Pepe la Pew's nephew, and then have a security guard on loan from the WWE throw them out of the building.

8. Conduct true and complete performance evaluations. If is patently unfair to the sniveling suck-ups underneath you to not let them know that they are in fact human versions of lice. And do this in an oral setting, as for some unknown reason if you write anything down someone might have the actual audacity and gall to ask you for a raise. The nerve of some people!

9. Consistent and prompt disciplinary actions. Since my attorney has again reminded me that physical disciplining of employees is problematic, I will reluctantly state for the record that though slower acting, verbal disciplining can also be effective in controlling the incompetent miscreants you have been forced to hire. Make sure you intermix a calm smiling demeanor every now and then when dressing them down, as this will keep them off guard and unprepared for the next shouting session. Also, when disciplining, make sure you are shouting within three to six inches of their face, as the invasion of their personal space tends to make them more uncomfortable then a mortgage salesman in church...

10. Be an active vs. reative supervisor. Another good management point. Don't wait for something obvious to happen to get up in the inferior flunky's face. Be creative and find that spot on their tie, smudge on the morning paper, or even a pimple that they did not manage to cover up with makeup, and then let them know what it is like to fail miserably at even the most menial of tasks.

11. Provide competivite rates and benefits. I know this is difficult, but you will not succeed without doing this. It is a fact of life in business so you must suck it up and do it! By doing this I rarely ever get complaints from customers that they did not get value for their money. So make sure you are not being undercut by your competition down the street, and set your hotel rates at a price that still says classy but doesn't send the upper middle class customer running away. Plus you can just make up the difference by severely underpaying your staff.

12. Reductions in Force : My favorite event. Have fun with this one, as it the only time with any certainty that you will see grown men cry. One of my favorites is to line up the employees like soldiers and slowly walk up and down the line holding the pink slips. (And yes, for this occasion I will have them printed in pink.) After two or three times up and down the line start handing them out. A nice technique is to hand out two in a row, watch them walk off sobbing, and then skip several people and hand out two more. Then turn around and go back to the ones you skipped and lower the hammer on them. Tears o' plenty!

12 Rules of Employee Relations by Leona Hemsley (Part 1)

Dear Congressman,

Recently with the passing of the hotel magnate, Leona Hemsley, it was discovered in her personal papers a guide she had written (presumably in blood) for her managers on employee relations. As you have a fairly big staff yourself, I thought it would be helpful to see what insight Ms. Hemsley had on this delicate issue.

1. Foster a good relationship with your employees: And oh how loyal they will be! Simply remember to let them know on a regular basis just how you feel about their performance, from their complete lack of class to their slovenly appearance to their inability to complete tasks that a chimpanzee could do in it's sleep.

2. Listen Listen Listen : This is the line you should use when addressing them, since most of the time your inferiors do not seem to grasp this simple command. For example, when you told them to make sure the roses in the vases next to the check in desk were all the same height, you did not say 1/2 or 1/4 inch different, you said the same height. You can never scream this at your dim-witted workers enough, unless they are deaf, and then you need to have someone make you a large card you can put in their face.

Wait a minute? I hired a deaf person??? I'll be back after I talk to that worthless HR director downstairs....

3. Provide Feedback : This can be done using simple and direct phrases that the uneducated and ignorant worker can comprehend. I find that "you suck", "somewhere there must be a village wondering where it's idiot is", and "did you mommy and daddy have any children that actually survived?" are effect feedback comments that allow the worker to truly understand their place in the company hierarchy.

4. Problem Solve: I do this one on a daily basis. Here's a simple rule to make sure problems get solved before they get to you. If an employee comes to you with a problem that is not already solved to your satisfaction, fire them. Simple... direct... and never fails to bring a ray of sunshine into an otherwise drab day. Plus you don't have to give that lay-about ex-employee any more of your hard earned money anymore, do you? Hell, you might as well just give it to the government instead. (as per my attorney has advised I do in the future)

5. Enforce your workplace harassment/discrimination policy: Because the sooner they get use to it the better. If they start to think they are being singled out then they also start to fill their feeble brains with the idea that they can quit, hire some two-bit lawyer, and try to dip their hand in your pocket. No way, I say! Treat everyone like dirt, even if you like them. If you treat everyone like shoe lint then you are not harassing or discriminating against anyone. That is just the rules of the house. Trust me, you'll thank me for this one!

6. Avoid knee jerk reactions to workplace complaints: Whereas it is a great release to shout, scream, and generally eviscerate a mindless ignoramus who allows the tea to slosh onto the saucer while serving, it is best not to demonstrate this attribute in front of the customers, because history has shown that the customers might be dim-witted, pinko-commie liberals who would start screaming for workers rights if they stumbled upon a beehive or a termite mound. No, it is best to wait until you are in an area that is out of earshot of those pesky customers, maybe right in the middle of his dullard co-workers, and then cut loose on him like a pit bull after a pork chop!

Ye Olde Job Faire

Dear Congressman,

A pretty good indication of the difficulties surrounding the economy in our local area is best demonstrated by one of the local paper's business headlines:

WILMINGTON - The 20th Annual Ohio Renaissance Festival holds a job fair noon-3 p.m. Saturday and Sunday at the festival office located at 317 Brimstone Road.

Organizers are looking for part-time workers to sell food, beverages, souvenirs and operate games. No experience is required.

Applicants must be available for a dress rehearsal Aug. 29 and 30 and work all festival weekends from Sept. 5 to Oct. 25, including Labor Day.

For information, visit www.renfestival.com/employment, or call 513-897-7000.

Normally, I would expect to see someone along the lines of General Electric winning an engine order or even a small manufacturing company moving in into the Cincinnati suburbs and creating 100 local jobs. But bannering part time work at the renaissance festival? Isn't that where the "free credit report.com" band ended up working?

One other thing, there is a minimum requirement to work these things. You must be able to demonstrate that you can replicate an English accent almost as badly as the classic botch cockney accent job performed by Dick Van Dyke in the film "Mary Poppins". If not, then they shove a turkey drumstick in your left hand and require you to make pirate-like sounds as you prance around in green tights and generally annoy the visiting public.

Rather than hiring all these extra cast members, I have a better idea to increase the gate for the event. Want to have a large crowd at the Renaissance festival? Simple, as George Carlin would have recommended, just have a daily Spanish Inquisition tent that the unluckiest participant is then sacrificed in the nightly "burn the heretic" bonfire. Attendance would quadruple, guaranteed!

Thank you sir, may I have another F-22!

Dear Congressman,

I read last week that the Senate had voted to remove a $1.75 billion clause from the defense bill to strip funding for 7 additional F-22 advanced fighter planes. This was done in part due to the lobbying of the President and a threat to veto the entire defense bill if it was not done. The defense secretary, Robert Gates, and the Pentagon top brass had requested they be removed as they were superfluous to current military requirements.

But since this program supplies a boat load of jobs to a large group of states, and the defense lobbyists worked overtime on this, many Senators were pushing for it to stay in the bill.

My favorite would have to be Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia. To quote from his speech on the floor of the Senate in regards to the Department of Defense's request to have the order for the additional aircraft removed from the bill:

"So to come here and say that, well, DOD didn't request any F-22's and therefore we are to salute and go marching on is something we've never done, we did not do in this bill and we should not have done."

I'm having just a little trouble understanding what the honorable Senator from Georgia's point is. My first thought was that Sen. Chambliss is of the opinion that his capable staff is more in tune with the future needs and requirements of the United States military then the 23,000 people who work at the Pentagon. If so, that is one heck of a staff that Senator Chambliss has put together and should be recruited to consult on other urgent matters, like fixing my 401(k) or cleaning up public restrooms in all gas stations on freeway offramps....

Another school of thought is that Sen. Chambliss is simply stating that as a US Senator he is not subject to the wishes of any other department and they are not entitled to tell him how and why to spend the US taxpayers money. Think of it like this: you walk into the ice cream store, ask for a scoop of chocolate, and then are told by the manager of the store that he decides who gets what, and instead gives you a cone of butternut. A sort of Seinfeld "Soup Nazi" of politics.....


Or the final theory, maybe there is a more local motive for Sen. Chambliss to defend these unwanted aircraft. When I perused the web pages of Lockheed Martin, the builder of the F-22, I found the following information.

Marietta, Georgia
The company’s site in Marietta, Ga., is home to the C-130J Super Hercules transport and the F-22 Raptor air dominance fighter.

So with that knowledge, I think Sen. Chambliss really meant to say the following:

"So to come here and say that, well, DOD didn't request any F-22's that are built in my state by voting taxpayers is something I've never done, I did not do in this bill and unless I want to get voted out of office, will never do..."

More Boston ....

Dear Congressman,

Since I leave for Boston tomorrow, here are a few more fun facts courtesy of Boston.com. Well, parts of the comments are from Boston.com.

Everyone knows about the Boston Tea Party and Paul Revere. There are a few guys in eastern China who have read about them at the library once.

But did you know that Boston is home to the country's first public school? School lunch ladies all across America salute you, Boston!

Check out these interesting facts about Boston that you might not learn from your tour guide. Why, are they instructed to hold back the good stuff?

From 1659 to 1681, it was against the law to celebrate Christmas in Boston because the pilgrims thought it was debauched. Instead of now, which it is pretty much just crass commercialism with only a little debauchery mixed in.

Logan International Airport is built almost entirely on top of land that, before a landfill project, used to be Boston Harbor. So, before it was Logan, it was land called Boston Harbor? Boy, that's confusing. Why wasn't it simply called Bostonland?

If you don't include college students, only about 600,000 people reside in Boston. Why not include college students? I know they can be a bit irritating, what with all the binge drinking and loud music, but last time I checked they were included in the US census.

The average price for a bowl of New England clam chowder in Boston restaurants is $4.40. Another $2.50 if you want a spoon and $3.75 for a bowl ....

Nearly 70 percent of housing units in Boston are occupied by renters rather than owners. And let me guess, all of them are maintained perfectly and the renters are all solid citizens, or at a minimum they are rented to all those college students I keep hearing about.

A two-bedroom apartment in Boston costs $1,343/month, on average. Them is some pretty affluent college students living in them apartments.

At 90 feet below the surface, the Ted Williams Tunnel is the deepest in North America. Did they bury him in it? Except of course his head, which is in a cryonics chamber in an undisclosed location, probably near Dick Chaney's undisclosed location.

Before a landfill project started in 1857, the Back Bay area of Boston was a 570 acre body of water. And tea, no doubt....

Only 34 of Boston's 840 restaurants serve fast food. The rest take their sweet time to get around to serving it to you, because their employees are all disinterested college students.

About 250,000 college students live in Boston. Again with the freakin college students. I am beginning to think the author of these fun facts goes fishing for co-eds on the weekend...

The Big Dig created about 80 miles of underground lanes in a 7.5-mile corridor. And if my math is right, for 1 mile of Big Dig costing $275,000,000, you could rent the average apartment at $1,343 a month for about 17,000 years....

More than 18 million people visit Boston every year. Probably to gawk at the 250,000 college students.

In the fall and spring of 2002, the Boston Parks and Recreation Department planted 622 trees citywide. A little suggestion here, if you had planted 63 trees a year for 10 years you probably would have saved on all the overtime pay...

March 10, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the very first phone call in history from his Boston machine shop. The call was to his assistant, Thomas A. Watson, in which Bell chimed, from down the hall, "Watson come here, I want you!" And the next time he made a call, the Boston city government had already figured out a way to tax it!

So now that I have fully dissed Boston, I will have to visit and see if I have to eat my words!

Visualize This

Dear Congressman,

I was driving through your district the other day returning from a much needed trip to the grocery store when I pulled up behind a car waiting for the traffic device to convert to a color that would allow me to continue my journey without attracting the attention of the local constabulary. This vehicle, while neither a Saab nor a Volvo, did have a characteristic normally associated with those particular chassis types. On the lower left hand bumper it had a bumper sticker that stated proudly:

"Visual World Peace"

This was a very popular banner in the days before the Iraqi invasion, replaced now by American flags and "support our troops" yellow ribbon press-on decals. But it has one fundamental flaw that is best explained utilizing schoolyard grammar:

"Ain't never gonna happen"

Very direct, I know, but the sooner we realize this, the better. Conflict is just much more interesting then bliss. For instance, what happens on soap operas to couples that are in blissful situations? They split them up and make them sworn enemies, battling without mercy over child custody and/or shared lovers. Why was the TV show "Dallas" so popular in the late 70's? One reason: JR Ewing, the villain.

We simply thrive on conflict. I have stated for years that if we all dressed the same, wore the same clothes, drove the same cars, and smiled all the time (as some groups would have us do), then all the windows of all buildings on all the floors above the ground floor would have bars on them to prevent us from jumping to our deaths, as the majority of the human race would end up suicidal within a short period of time . Human nature abhors a vacuum, and it considers constant happiness a Hoover.

But hey, it is after all just human nature. Cause lets face it, if Bruce Willis had starred in "Live Soft" instead of "Die Hard", no one would have even showed up for the premier.

So get rid of the "Visual World Peace", and replace it with "Visual Global Non-lethal Conflict"

The strangest thing

Dear Congressman,

As I made you aware yesterday, Melody and I are off for a weekend in Boston in a few days to trade tall talls and brag about children with some fellow grads of the American School of Paris.

As my mum passed away this last February, we have been very busy with trying to get her condo ready for sale by emptying the contents, most being donated to local charities as we did not feel like having an estate sale and haggling over prices during a sad time in our lives. So we gave away most items and dug through the personal items she kept of our past lives as a family.

Melody went through a box of personal items that my sister had set aside to see if she could find anything related to my days at the American School of Paris. During this search she found something that she did not expect to find....

a guide to the historic city of Boston, from 1964....

Now, as background, in 1964 I was a year old and we were living in Yorkshire, UK , in the house in which I was born. Since my parents were young and poor with two children at the time, I have doubts that they secretly jumped across the pond for a fun filled weekend in BeanTown.

Also, as far as I can recollect, my mother never visited Boston in her lifetime, or never even talked about Boston.

So here we are, my wife looking through a box to find anything related to my high school in Paris for a reunion in Boston, and all she finds is a 1964 guide to Boston....

Weird.....

The Great Boston invasion

Dear Congressman,

In a few more days some of my fellow classmates from the early eighties at the American School of Paris are planning to invade the Financial district Hilton for the weekend and have a class reunion. I am sure by now the Boston riot police have already been put on alert for this rowdy crowd of mid-forties adults that plan to wreck havoc on the town's liquor supply.

To prepare for this trip, I thought it only prudent to do some research on facts about Boston, as my only previous experience with this city has been extensive stopovers at Logan Airport. In fact, when I left Paris in June of 1981 to move to Texas, my flight was into Logan on now defunct TWA, then on to Dallas on now defunct Braniff. And they lost my luggage.... which goes a long way to explaining why they are both no longer operating as airlines.

Anyway, back to Boston facts..

Boston has eight sister cities, one of which is Melbourne, Australia. So, Bruce England, even though you can not make to the get together, at least your place of residence is twinned, so have a drink and make a toast to us, and we will return the favor.

The Boston subway is the oldest in the United States, built in 1897. Now this is pretty efficient considering Edison only rolled out the incandescent light bulb around 1880, and I would dread to think what the subways would have been like with kerosene lamps.

Of course, you can't mention Boston currently without thinking of "the Big Dig", the re-routing of I-93 under the city. Estimated to cost $6billion (1985 adjusted for inflation), all told it will end up costing a total of $22 billion, or $36,123.43 per resident of Boston. Barney Franke summed it up well before the project even started:
"Rather than lower the expressway, wouldn't it be cheaper to raise the city?"

It appears the official dessert of Massachusetts is the boston cream pie, an invention of the Omni Parker House in Boston. All the more reason to have some while visiting.

I would discuss their sports teams, each having won a major championship in the last decade, with the exception of their hockey team, but as a long suffering Cincinnati Bengals & Reds fan like myself I don't think we need to dwell on that.

So I will endeavor to learn more about Boston this week, and to pass on information gleaned from my visit.

Honk if you like jelly donuts...

Dear Congressman,

It appears we are not as good at driving cars as we all would like to think we are.

The National Highway Transportation Safety Administration (NHTSA) did a study that cited driver distractions as the top reasons for car crashes - and ultimately higher auto insurance rates. Here is the list of the distractions they included:

Eating and Drinking - It makes sense that eating and drinking while driving is dangerous, but I would have to assume that 50% of all drivers do it from time to time. The danger comes in when your McCafe ends up in your Mclap, or when your burrito supreme becomes trouser paint, causing you to sweve across three lanes of traffic while hunting for a napkin. Looks like this one is here to stay until we decide to do away with the drive-thru lane at most restaurants.

Using a cell phone - ban them while driving. No bluetooth, no speakerphone, no ESP... just drive the car, alright. You have plenty of time to talk to the other party when you are safe at your destination.

Tweeting - unless you drive with a laptop in your lap (which I would advise you to cease and desist that practice right now) then you are using a cell phone to tweet. See "Using a cell phone" above for guidance in this area.

Reaching for a moving object - this one kind of surprised me. Are there people out there driving around with small mammals roaming around their vehicles? "I'm sorry I hit that other car, Officer, but I was trying to grab the wolvervine on the backseat that kept attacking my badger."

Looking at an object or event outside of the vehicle - again, confusing... I thought the idea of driving was to get rid of all distractions so you can concentrate on objects and events outside of the vehicle. If there is an unusal object or event happening outside, such as a buffalo stampede or a UFO landing, I personally tend to slow down or stop...

Reading - MacBeth Act 2 scene 1
"Is this a dagger which I see before me,"
No, it's a Peterbuilt Semi....
ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Applying makeup: simple solution to this one is to remove all the mirrors from cars. No one uses them anyway.....

It's a win-win!

Dear Congressman,

Since the 90's a plethora of new terminology has hit the vocabulary of the English speaking business world. My guess is it was generally created by consultants as a way to extract more dollars from the vaults of corporate America, as doublespeak and nonsensical words have always had a magic about that make the Director of Personnel smile and the Chief Financial Officer reluctantly hand over the hard earned loot.

Some great examples are:

Multitask - ah!!! the old favorite... this one basically is an attempt to convince management that the average working joe/jane can be given three assignments at one time and be expected to complete all of them flawlessly. For example:
Boss: "Dawkins, good morning, great day to work for Empathy Enterprises, isn't it?"
Dawkins: "Good morning, sir."
Boss: "Quiet day today so I only have three task for you."
Dawkins: (does not answer but has an uneasy look as he stares back at his boss)
Boss: "First, I need the Guttenberg Bible translated into Swahili. Second, the entire internet is down worldwide, fix it. Oh, and third, I need my dry cleaning picked up across town. Check back with me in about an hour and give me a status update."
Boss walks away as Dawkins continues to state blankly...

Seamless integration - picture Vito Corleone in the Godfather after the meeting with Sollozzo when he says to his son "never let anyone outside the family know what you are thinking". This is the basis of seamless integration. The corporation either rolls out an entirely new product line or buys a competitor and then trots out the marketing geeks in $10,000 suits and perfect teeth to smile and talk about the "seamless integration". In reality, the marketing geeks are acting as traffic cops standing in front of a corporate equivalent of a 20 car pile up with multiple fatalities. Their job is to wave people past while stating "nothing to see here... move on". This is because the seamless integration behind the curtain generally tends to be all out corporate warfare, complete with turf wars, endless meetings to assign blame, and stressed out email jousting.

Reengineer - as if engineering something in the first time around was not enough. No... we now have to reengineer it! Basic consultant speak for slapping lipstick on the same pig and then spending millions on convincing the media that it is an entirely different pig.

Boring Poetry on the fly....

Dear Congressman,

I thought I would entertain you between your marathon sessions of watching Senators showboat on CSPAN in front of the newest potential member of the Supreme Court by sharing some off the cuff poetry...


Poetry on the fly

again the damn'd shell pest strip,
a yellow curse of my ancestor's days
infects my tenuous balance
perpetrating the hoax of security
never delivering the truth of reality
ending my days and nights
denying my place

and yet you live in my memory
a single shelter in the ceiling sky
inner recesses of my diminutive mind
pondering your reign
neither good nor bad, but
either here or not here
defining my place

I do, Houston ....over...

Dear Congressman,

It appears some of our fellow Americans are so obsessed with space travel that they can't carry out one of the biggest events in their lives without including some aspect of it.

So here's to Noah Fulmor and Erin Finnegan. Last month they decided that since they had both wanted to be astronauts since they were little that they would get married in an aircraft configured to simulate zero gravity. They even had a former astronaut, Richard Garriot, perform the 8 minute ceremony that occurred in 30 second segments, necessitated by the parabolic arc maneuver the plane had to fly to create a zero gravity simulation.

Whereas I commend Noah and Erin for their creativity and energy in performing such a marriage, I have to give them negative marks for the commitment to the comfort of their wedding guests.

In case you are unfamiliar with this type of flight, the plane used by NASA for zero gravity training is lovingly referred to as the "vomit comet". Zero gravity might be fun, but many people suffer from that wonderful sensation of motion sickness when subjected to zero gravity, sometimes quite quickly and quite violently.

So hopefully all the wedding guests were briefed ahead of time, as this might have been the first wedding in history that when the congregation is asked if there is anyone who has reason why the couple should not be married, the consensus response is mass regurgitation.

Oh yeah... I would be real careful with that first kiss too.....

Bothersome things

Dear Congressman,

Today we are going to discuss things that get on my nerves. I realize this is not high on your list of priorities or concerns, but since this is my forum and you and your staff can quit reading anytime you want (kinda like the smoking thing, only different), then I am going to pursue this topic for today.

Today's list of bothersome things:

1. When leaving the dentist this morning, one of your constituents was of the opinion that it is acceptable behavior to operate their SUV within six inches of my rear bumper while traveling at speeds of approximately 35mph. This is not acceptable behavior and needs to stop. At your earliest convenience, please have an available staff member call the lady in question and remind her that driving is a privilege, not a right, and that her particular attempt at vehicular operations management is questionable at best...

2. When AARP runs their commercials during the evening news pimping their latest lame medicare-add on package in partnership with some big multi-billion dollar HMO, please ask them to refrain from stating in their sales pitch :
"from AARP, a name you trust"
This clever little play on words might work on some retirees with bad hearing aids and in the early stages of dementia, but the average American is going to start mistrusting AARP if they continue to pimp their "trustworthyness" too overtly in their attempts to fill their coffers with your money.

3. I have already discussed the "Breaking News" issue in a previous posting. Just fix it, please!

And lastly

4. Under no conditions should the Shamwow guy, Vince Shlomi, take over the mantle of "lead infomercial pitch guy" from the recently deceased Billy Mayes. Billy might have been somewhat irratating with that semi-shouting voice that compelled you to buy cleaning products you did not know you needed, but Vince is just not right for the part, as the prostitute he is alledged to have had a fistfight would be willing to attest.

How to turn $1.40 into 43 cents

Dear Congressman,

It appears AIG has even more magic up it derivative riddled sleeve as they have again demonstrated to the financial world their keen insight into how market capitalization works.

Due to problems AIG encountered by overextending their risk portfolio in credit default swaps and subsequent dilution of value by handing 80% of the company over to Uncle Sam for enough liquidity to survive the numerous collateral calls, their stock price was trading at a measly $1.40, with 2.6 billion shares outstanding, giving them a market value of around $3.6 billion.

With me so far?

So the geniuses at AIG say "hey, we want our share price higher, so we can start turning around the public perception that we have no idea what we are doing. "

So they decide to do a financial trick known as a reverse split, giving share holders 1 share for every 20 that they currently hold, so the equation is now changed to $28 per share with 130 million shares outstanding, giving them a market value of around $3.6 billion.

Pretty neat trick, huh?

Unfortunately for AIG, every hedge fund manager on the planet saw what they were doing and said "they are trying to create the perception of value where there is none! I sense an opportunity!!!"

So since news of the split occurred, the value of the shares have plunged like Thelma and Louise... and is now opening this morning at around $8.85.

So in 10 days, AIG's management has turned a $3.6 billion company into a $1.15 billion dollar company.

All I can say is.... well done!!!

Pourquoi????

Dear Congressman,

Today's prize goes to 84 year old Howard Manoian, an American World War II veteran of the European campaign in 1944-1945.

Mr. Manoian was awarded the Legion d'honneur for bravery for his part in the D-Day Normandy invasions for landing with the 82nd Airborne and fighting at Sainte-Mere-Eglise. There was even a plaque in his honor in the town, and Mr Manoian reveled for years about telling the stories of parachuting down as the German defenders fired at and killed many of his fellow soldiers.

Additional, Mr. Manoian was wounded in the days after D-Day, taking machine gun bullets to his left hand and both legs in battle, and then wounded again when a German plane attacked the hospital in which he was recovering.

With all this said, it never ceases to amaze me the lengths that some people will go to when trying to impress others. Kudos to the Boston Herald, who took the extra step of obtaining Mr. Manoian's military records.

Turns out Mr. Manoian served with the 33rd Chemical Decontamination Company, not the 82nd Airborne as he has claimed for many years. He did in fact land at Utah beach, but on a supply ship many days after the fighting had moved inland, thus the main danger he faced on D-Day while the 82nd was fighting for their lives was trying to reach the mess hall in Southern England early enough to get first dibs on chow before it got cold.

And the risky duties of his intrepid service to the US Army? That would be the terrifying nerve-wracking assignment of looking after a supply dump in Northern France., all the while perilously dodging tanks, jeeps and supply convoys crawling past his post on their way to the front lines, many many miles away.

As for Mr. Manoian's bullet wounds, I think he may have hit his head on a pole coming out of the latrine tent one day and lost his memory, as his service record shows the only wound he received was a broken finger while in England, accompanied by brusing on the other hand... definitely painful but not quite the same league as bullet wounds received while in combat.

So after all these years Mr. Manoian, thank you for your service during WWII, but I would not expect any more free drinks at the VW from visiting Frenchman or retired veterans. And I would not be planning any more victory laps around Sainte-Mere-Eglise next time you drop by there for the many thanks you have received but not particularly earned.

Jacko Adios

Dear Congressman,

Today is the big day in Los Angeles when Michael Joseph Jackson is laid to rest and a public memorial service is held at the Staples center with 18,000 plus mourners. I am sure you would try to make it if humanly possible, but with your demanding schedule on the hill and "mini-filliabusters" that you spontaneously performed the other day must prevent you jumping a plane and heading for the insolvent California Republic and a seat at the service.

Obviously, a lot of people were willing to overlook the child molestation allegations and trial that Mr. Jackson endured as over 1.6 million of them vied for one of the 8,700 tickets distributed on a lotto basis to people who registered on a website. LA officials are readying for an additional 100,000 people who will just "show up" and loiter outside the event.

And Michael will not even be there. It appears the family plans to have a private service prior to the big event where his mortal remains will be committed to the ground in an airtight coffin. The Staples center event will be strictly a celeb-fest of people who want to be seen as mourning the "King of Pop".

Normally I would make some sarcastic remark or exercise an opinion or two at this point, but Mr. Jackson's actions during his life and that of his extended family have just left me shaking my head with the knowledge gained from their trials and tribulations.

I think Don Henley got it right .....

"We can do the innuendo
We can dance and sing
When its said and done we havent told you a thing
We all know that crap is king
Give us dirty laundry!"

Sirens and guns, a love story....

Dear Congressman,

As you prepare to have fun in the sun at your home in Butler county I wanted to make sure you were aware that our Ohio law enforcement personnel were out there doing their best for the state. Here is a short AP story displaying one such "team"...

Police chief taped kissing in cruiser

The Associated Press

The police chief of a northeast Ohio township has retired after a video became public showing him and a female officer kissing and caressing in the front of a police cruiser while a prisoner was in the back seat.

Timothy Escola retired Tuesday night after four years with the Perry Township police department about 50 miles south of Cleveland. Law Director Charles Hall says Escola's retirement closes an internal investigation.Hall says no charges are being considered against part-time officer Janine England, who was with Escola in the cruiser June 2. Escola and England drove to the Cincinnati area to pick up a burglary suspect.

An anonymous allegation prompted an investigation last week and a review of the cruiser's dashboard camera.

The video is available on youtube.com if you are interested in a visual of this escape. Just search paste http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBElpbt0kZU into your brower or type "Perry Twp. Police Chief Escola" into the search box.

Motivation

Dear Congressman,

Thought I would review the last week for you.


This is Ed McMahon. He died last week at age 86. He constantly worked in show business but still ended up nearly losing his McMansion to foreclosure during the current crisis. Guess he forgot to put some money away for a rainy day. Likable guy though....






This is Farah Fawcett. I, like every other red blooded American teenager of the seventies, had this poster hanging on my wall. She passed away at age 62 after bravely battling anal cancer for the last four years. As my own mother died of cancer only a few months ago, I feel a deep sadness for what her family is going through at the moment.




This is Michael Jackson. He was only 50 and preparing for a series of concerts when he dropped dead of an apparent heart attack. He had a troubled life that I will not get into here, but be assured that with the movable circus that is his extended family, the drama surrounding him will continue for years to come.








This is Billy Mays, a popular infomercial/salesman who made you pay attention to the products he was selling by raising his voice to "Who concert" level decibels when emphasizing their qualities. He too was 50 years old and died of an apparent heart attack.






So, lets recap.

Ed- 86, good long life.
Farah - 62, good life but cut too short by a horrible disease.
Mike - 50, drops dead.
Billy - 50, drops dead.

I think there is a lesson here. Personally I put in over 40 miles on my bicycle this weekend and quite a bit of time doing rhythm boxing on the Wii Fit in my family room, as in four years time when I turn 50 I have no plans on joining Michael and Billy.

As for you Congressman, maybe this is a sign that the old Marlboros need to go bye-bye....