12 Rules of Employee Relations by Leona Hemsley (Part 1)

Dear Congressman,

Recently with the passing of the hotel magnate, Leona Hemsley, it was discovered in her personal papers a guide she had written (presumably in blood) for her managers on employee relations. As you have a fairly big staff yourself, I thought it would be helpful to see what insight Ms. Hemsley had on this delicate issue.

1. Foster a good relationship with your employees: And oh how loyal they will be! Simply remember to let them know on a regular basis just how you feel about their performance, from their complete lack of class to their slovenly appearance to their inability to complete tasks that a chimpanzee could do in it's sleep.

2. Listen Listen Listen : This is the line you should use when addressing them, since most of the time your inferiors do not seem to grasp this simple command. For example, when you told them to make sure the roses in the vases next to the check in desk were all the same height, you did not say 1/2 or 1/4 inch different, you said the same height. You can never scream this at your dim-witted workers enough, unless they are deaf, and then you need to have someone make you a large card you can put in their face.

Wait a minute? I hired a deaf person??? I'll be back after I talk to that worthless HR director downstairs....

3. Provide Feedback : This can be done using simple and direct phrases that the uneducated and ignorant worker can comprehend. I find that "you suck", "somewhere there must be a village wondering where it's idiot is", and "did you mommy and daddy have any children that actually survived?" are effect feedback comments that allow the worker to truly understand their place in the company hierarchy.

4. Problem Solve: I do this one on a daily basis. Here's a simple rule to make sure problems get solved before they get to you. If an employee comes to you with a problem that is not already solved to your satisfaction, fire them. Simple... direct... and never fails to bring a ray of sunshine into an otherwise drab day. Plus you don't have to give that lay-about ex-employee any more of your hard earned money anymore, do you? Hell, you might as well just give it to the government instead. (as per my attorney has advised I do in the future)

5. Enforce your workplace harassment/discrimination policy: Because the sooner they get use to it the better. If they start to think they are being singled out then they also start to fill their feeble brains with the idea that they can quit, hire some two-bit lawyer, and try to dip their hand in your pocket. No way, I say! Treat everyone like dirt, even if you like them. If you treat everyone like shoe lint then you are not harassing or discriminating against anyone. That is just the rules of the house. Trust me, you'll thank me for this one!

6. Avoid knee jerk reactions to workplace complaints: Whereas it is a great release to shout, scream, and generally eviscerate a mindless ignoramus who allows the tea to slosh onto the saucer while serving, it is best not to demonstrate this attribute in front of the customers, because history has shown that the customers might be dim-witted, pinko-commie liberals who would start screaming for workers rights if they stumbled upon a beehive or a termite mound. No, it is best to wait until you are in an area that is out of earshot of those pesky customers, maybe right in the middle of his dullard co-workers, and then cut loose on him like a pit bull after a pork chop!