12 Rules of Employee Relations by Leona Hemsley (Part 2)

Dear Congressman,

I realize you have been waiting at the edge of your chair for the second part of the list, so ... here it is.


7. Do not retaliate against employees who communicate harassment / discrimination / whistleblower concerns. Yes, even little old me has trouble with this one, but it is much more satisfying to have the lawyers counter-sue the rat fink so their legal fees leave them heating ramen noodles on a camping stove under the downtown overpass, rather than the few moments of glee that comes when security throwing them out on the sidewalk. Eventually, you can fire them for cause because they are showing up late and smelling like Pepe la Pew's nephew, and then have a security guard on loan from the WWE throw them out of the building.

8. Conduct true and complete performance evaluations. If is patently unfair to the sniveling suck-ups underneath you to not let them know that they are in fact human versions of lice. And do this in an oral setting, as for some unknown reason if you write anything down someone might have the actual audacity and gall to ask you for a raise. The nerve of some people!

9. Consistent and prompt disciplinary actions. Since my attorney has again reminded me that physical disciplining of employees is problematic, I will reluctantly state for the record that though slower acting, verbal disciplining can also be effective in controlling the incompetent miscreants you have been forced to hire. Make sure you intermix a calm smiling demeanor every now and then when dressing them down, as this will keep them off guard and unprepared for the next shouting session. Also, when disciplining, make sure you are shouting within three to six inches of their face, as the invasion of their personal space tends to make them more uncomfortable then a mortgage salesman in church...

10. Be an active vs. reative supervisor. Another good management point. Don't wait for something obvious to happen to get up in the inferior flunky's face. Be creative and find that spot on their tie, smudge on the morning paper, or even a pimple that they did not manage to cover up with makeup, and then let them know what it is like to fail miserably at even the most menial of tasks.

11. Provide competivite rates and benefits. I know this is difficult, but you will not succeed without doing this. It is a fact of life in business so you must suck it up and do it! By doing this I rarely ever get complaints from customers that they did not get value for their money. So make sure you are not being undercut by your competition down the street, and set your hotel rates at a price that still says classy but doesn't send the upper middle class customer running away. Plus you can just make up the difference by severely underpaying your staff.

12. Reductions in Force : My favorite event. Have fun with this one, as it the only time with any certainty that you will see grown men cry. One of my favorites is to line up the employees like soldiers and slowly walk up and down the line holding the pink slips. (And yes, for this occasion I will have them printed in pink.) After two or three times up and down the line start handing them out. A nice technique is to hand out two in a row, watch them walk off sobbing, and then skip several people and hand out two more. Then turn around and go back to the ones you skipped and lower the hammer on them. Tears o' plenty!