Ice Ice Baby

Dear Congressman,

The first major winter storm has now begun to wander its way across the middle of the US, as fellow blogger Scott Wheeler in Missouri already discussed in his blog this morning.

Your district was pelted with snow this morning, approximately 4-6 inches in most areas between 1am and 10am. After that we had a two hour break before sleet and freezing rain started to pelt anyone or anything exposed to the elements. This barrage has continued into the night, to be followed tomorrow morning by "heavy snow". Thus we have been exposed to worst that Mother Nature can unleash.

Since you have lived here for a good part of your life prior to deciding to fight liberals and lobbyists alike in Washington D.C., you are aware that this is the nightmare scenario for Cincinnati, as even an inch or two of snow is greeted as "the white death" with commuters panicking over the thought of spending the night upside down in a ditch undiscovered until the next day and citizens attacking grocery stores in droves to ensure they have enough milk, bread, toilet paper and beer to last until April.

But most of this you already know and are well acquainted with... what needs to be legislated into oblivion is the local news channels, as they sensational the storm into a frenzied visual assault of correspondents all across town. And invariably they all go like this:

Gleaming white teethed female broadcaster: And now we go to weekend anchor Joe Konu somewhere on the east side of town. Joe, can you hear me?

Joe (wrapped up like Nanook of the North standing next to a Dunkin Donuts): Yes, I can hear you, Leslie, I am here at the corner of Liberty at Taft and, as you can see behind me, the roads here are still passable but are completely covered by snow.

Gleaming white teethed female broadcaster: Can you let the viewers know how much snow, Joe?

Joe (whipping out a ruler): Yes Leslie, I can. (Joe leans down and plunges the ruler into the snow) As you can see there is at least 1/8 to 1/4 of an inch of snow already on the ground and no let up in sight.

Gleaming white teethed female broadcaster: Wow!

Joe (now turning toward road to show single passing car): Traffic here is picking up, Leslie, as we get deeper into the morning rush hour, and as it continues to come down we could see more and more accidents on the roads today.

Gleaming white teethed female broadcaster: What advice do you have for the morning commuters, Joe?

Joe :(furrowing his brow to give impression of seriousness) Well Leslie, you should give more time for your commute this morning, maybe seven or eight hours, and give the cars around you plenty of room, preferably one or two miles. Reporting live from the east side, this is Joe Konu,
action live local 12 news.

Scanning the news

Dear Congressman,


I have been sitting here at the keyboard for the last 15 minutes racking my brain for a topic for this posting, but nothing seemed to come to mind.


So, when in doubt, turn to that wacky liberal media to help out...

Fri Jan 23, 12:08 PM ET
LAGOS (Reuters) - Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery. - Armed with what? a bad temper?

Fri Jan 23, 12:07 PM ET
MELBOURNE (Reuters) - Security at the Australian Open was again under scrutiny Friday when a male streaker interrupted a doubles match involving the Williams sisters, Venus and Serena. I wouldn't think the Williams sisters would mind a streak of any kind based on recent court play.

Tue Jan 20, 3:59 PM ET

TOKYO (Reuters)- President-elect Barack Obama's speeches are proving a best-seller in Japan -- as an aid to learning English. Oh great, so in the next few years I can look forward to a whole bunch of elequently spoken tourists from Kyoto who pause for effect between each sentence.

Tue Jan 20, 4:01 PM ET

CANBERRA (Reuters) - Two Myanmar fishermen have survived for almost a month in shark-infested waters by floating in a large ice box after their boat sank, rescue officials said. If you actually have to live under the Burmese military government, one month floating in an icebox at sea is probably the closest thing to Club Med that they could find.

Fri Jan 16, 12:33 PM ET

SANTIAGO (Reuters) - A prominent fashion designer has sparked outrage in Chile by dressing up models like the Virgin Mary -- in some cases with ample, near-naked breasts. Gives a whole new meaning to "passion play", doesn't it...

Fri Jan 16, 12:35 PM ET

ATHENS (Reuters) - A passionate love letter written by French singer Edith Piaf to a Greek actor more than half a century ago, telling him "don't let my heart die," goes under the hammer in Greece on Friday. I don't really have a sarcastic comment for this, only I found it amusing as I remember seeing Ms. Piaf's grave in Pere Lachaise cemetery when I was looking for Jim Morrisons....

John Thain seems vain....

Dear Congressman,

John Thain, ex-CEO of the NYSE and more recently, the CEO of Merrill Lynch who handed his company over to Bank of America, got the axe yesterday from B of A chief Ken Lewis. Several factors were at play, with the main one being that Merrill Lynch was losing money faster than the Treasury Dept could print it, and certain disclosures on CNBC that he 1) paid his driver close to the NFL minimum rookie salary, 2) he handed out bonuses like candy to employees while booking a $15 billion loss with his left hand and negotiating with Mr. Lewis on the phone with his right.

But my favorite disclosure would have to be the $1.22 million he spent on decorating his office around the same time he was performing 1) and 2) above...

Lets look at the details, shall we?

1) $2,700 for six wall sconces. - Sounds like a lot of money for something that I have no clue what it is...

2) $5,000 for a mirror in his private dining room. - Obviously responds to the words "Mirror mirror on the wall, who the most handsome banker of them all?"

3) $11,000 for fabric for a "Roman Shade.” - Eleven large!!!! Was there a corresponding archeological dig to find the fabic in Southern Italy???

4) $13,000 for a chandelier in the private dining room. - A must have for any Fortune 500 CEO, after all, you must have proper lighting to make sure you don't get any caviar on your tie.

5) $15,000 for a sofa. - but hey, it was made with fine Corinthian leather....he couldn't pass that up....

6) $16,000 for a "custom coffee table.” - Made in Scandinavia, but kind of pricey for a Danish...

7) $18,000 for a “George IV Desk.” - for that kind of money you could go to St. George's Chapel in Windsor, dig up George IV's remains, and use them as a desk...

8) $25,000 for a "mahogany pedestal table.” - Okay, now we are wandering into the land of the clueless....

9) $28,000 for four pairs of curtains. - These are the curtains Melody bought for my home office. They cost about $20 US. You could buy 1400 sets of curtains, including the curtain rods, for the same price as Mr. Thain spent.

10) $35,000 for something called a "commode on legs.” - Sounds appropriate as he can walk it out with him when he leaves, so he can always hear that constant flushing sound of his company going down the drain.

11) $37,000 for six chairs in his private dining room. - Oh please...

12) $68,000 for a "19th Century Credenza" in his office. - hasn't he watched "Antiques Roadshow"???? He could get one for a bunch less if it didn't have the original patina!!!!

13) $87,000 for a pair of guest chairs. - I bet they are ejection seats so he could push a button and send his employees screaming to their deaths as they are propelled through the opening in the ceiling and down 20 stories to go splat on Vesey Street.

14) $87,000 for an area rug in Thain's conference room and another area rug for $44,000. - Did he by chance purchase these from Haliburton, because I am thinking there is just a bit of a mark up here

and finally ....

15) $800,000 to hire celebrity designer Michael Smith, who is currently redesigning the White House for the Obama family for just $100,000. - and Merrill Lynch expected him to be the company savior when the First Lady of the US can cut a deal at a 700% rate less then he could.....

And you wonder how we got where we are today.....

Here's to you, Uncle Bill

Two weeks ago we received the news that my Uncle, Bill Hyde, had passed away from natural causes at the age of 94. Uncle Bill was the unofficial leader of my Dad's side of the family, as my dad's father passed away in the early 1940s and left my grandmother, aunt, and my dad to fend for themselves.

I went to England in April of 2006 as my Aunt Joan and Uncle Bill celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary, which was the last time I saw them together. I again went to the UK in May of 2007, when my Dad's sister Joan passed away.

You will note that they married in 1946. They had actually met years before, but Bill was a soldier, and in 1939 his unit was part of the British Expeditionary Force in France. He fought the German army there until May of 1940, when he and his fellow soldiers were ferried to England in the largest evacuation to date the world had ever seen, a total of 338,000 British and French troops moved over 9 days from Dunkirk to England.

Unfortunately for Bill, his war did not end there. After his unit was re-outfitted, they were sent to Singapore in southeast Asia. It was here in February of 1942 that the British command surrendered to the Japanese forces, and Bill became a prisoner of war at the infamous Changi prison. He stayed a prisoner of war until Japan surrendered in September 1945, and it was not until 1946 that he returned to England.

Bill was also a caring and thoughtful man, and I have fond memories from the late 70's and early 80's of spending summers fishing with him. At the time he smoked a pipe, so he came in handy for keeping the mosquitoes away. I remember the many Christmas seasons where we all packed into their house on Albert Rd, afraid to get up out of your seat because someone else would take it, playing games with the family, and consuming plenty of Christmas spirits.

You will be missed, Uncle Bill....

The new kitchen

Dear Congressman,

Things must be pretty hectic there in DC with President Bush packing away the old linens and lining up the pardons before hopping into the moving truck next Tuesday morning. After that President-elect Obama will take possession of the White House and bring a new administration to town for you to hone your debate and negotiation skills against. I am sure you are looking forward to burning the midnight oil as you either parlay about or defend against the agenda of the new Democratic administration.

Since all things in the House go across your desk first, I thought I might make a few compromise suggestions for Cabinet positions that you could potential pass on to the new administration. After all, in the spirit of bi-partisan politics what are they going to do, refuse to take the list?

Anyway, whether you hand it over is up to you, but here are my suggestions...

Secretary of State - Since Condi Rice is off to run the NFL and the new administration is bent on giving the position to another female, then I would propose that it be given to Martha Stewart. Martha would be a perfect fit, as she can be diplomatic when the cameras are on, but a real hard-ass when the red light is switched off. As another plus, she has previous experience as she was a "ward of the state" for several months a few years ago.

Secretary of Treasurer - It is pretty obvious that the continued secession of wall street types in this position just isn't cutting it. Here's where we need to recycle a blast from the past, and hand this one over to H. Ross Perot. After he gets done baffling everyone with a 3 hour primetime special on all cable and network channels complete with charts, grafts, and general paranoia we would gladly do whatever it takes to fix the economy

Secretary of Health and Human Services - Another easy one... Richard Simmons. His solution to everything is jumping jacks and hugs, a real money saver on the budget deficit side. Plus he won't bust the wardrobe budget either like Ms. Palin did....

Attorney General - This position calls for someone with a loud voice, a lot of energy, and the ability to motivate people to get convictions in a court of law. Gotta hand this one to Nancy Grace of CNN Headline News fame. Criminal activity would be halved within six months once she instituted her "guilty until proven innocent" initiative and Rhode Island is fenced off to form the 1st US state converted into a penal colony.

Secretary of Defense - I would nominate "the General", Bobby Knight. First, he is available after handing his day job off to his son. And second, if you were a third world country, would you cross this guy? I wouldn't even negotiate with him unless I was assured that all the chairs in the conference room were nailed to the floor.

Secretary of Agriculture - I would go here with a minority candidate. Cheech Marin comes to mind, as he would not be offensive to the migrant workers who perform most of the back-breaking manual agricultural work in the US, and he is very familiar with "cultivating crops".

Secretary of Transportation - Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger, the US Air pilot who got his plane wet when he discovered that a flock of geese can clog two very large high-bypass turbine engines. Anyone who can fly a 169 thousand pound glider with two seconds notice has what it takes to run the transportation department.

and finally

Secretary of Homeland Security - I was thinking Lou Dobbs, not so much for his "kick'em all out" stand on illegal immigrants but because he would single handedly stimulate the economy when the new administration institutes his "American free of foreigners" program. This program would build the equivalent of the Great Wall of China running from south Texas all the way to San Ysidro, California, creating thousands of jobs to be filled by out of work stockbrokers and mortgage brokers.

Airport Scandal in Kentucky

Dear Congressman,

As you probably do not know, even though I live in your district in Butler county, Ohio, I hop in my car and drive the 35 miles every day down into Kentucky to work for the Kenton County Airport Board as the accounting manager for CVG airport. Of all the accounting work I have performed, this is the most "buttoned down" and professional organization I have ever worked for, with a solid commitment to making sure the finance department produces factual and accurate information at all times.

And meanwhile, about 100 miles south at Lexington Bluegrass Airport....a time line

Nov. 23, 2008: Herald-Leader articles show that Michael Gobb, Blue Grass Airport's executive director, spent more than $200,000 in travel and other expenses from January 2006 through March 2008.

Nov. 25: Lexington Vice Mayor Jim Gray calls for an investigation of Gobb's expenses.

Dec. 2: State Auditor Crit Luallen confirms that she is examining the finances of the airport.


Dec. 23: The airport board announces that it has suspended Gobb with pay while it conducts an investigation.

Jan. 2, 2009: Gobb resigns at a special board meeting that had been called to discuss firing him.


Jan. 5: Bernard Lovely, chairman of the airport board, says that he will cancel the credit cards of seven airport officials after finding that three airport employees charged $5,080 at a Texas strip club on an airport credit card.


Jan. 6: Luallen says she has notified law enforcement agencies of possible criminal wrongdoing at the airport; the Urban County Council asks Lovely to step down as chairman.


Jan 11: Lexington Herald Leader reports that ", the four lieutenants to the former head of Blue Grass Airport rang up about $332,000 in charges on their airport-issued credit cards over the last three years. Based on the range of charges to the airport, the cards served almost as all-access passes for lavish indulgences and everyday needs for the men, all of whom receive six-figure salaries. Electronic toys, tickets to sporting events, a jaunt to a strip club and numerous cross-country trips were put on the airport's tab, according to the Herald-Leader's review of credit-card statements. Among the charges were payments for golf lessons, Christmas presents for co-workers and nearly $2,200 for six tickets to the December 2007 Hannah Montana concert at Rupp Arena."

Folks... you can not make this stuff up. As they were also an "Airport Board" as authorized under Kentucky law, for the life of me I can not understand how their controlling board members let five employees get away with running up over $500,000 in total expenses over the course of 2-3 years.

As a result, I expect that my airport and Louisville's will be receiving inquiries from the Kentucky State Auditor's office to make sure there are no more surprises out there.

Sometimes you get frustrated by all the rules, but then things like this remind you why all those rules exist.

I'm beginning to feel sorry for them.

Dear Congressman,

I know as a married man like myself, you do not participate in the dating scene or lead on younger female co-workers with promises of a life together once you finally leave your wife of many years. This is the domain of the narcissist and the immoral, which unfortunately in today's society appears to be one man too many.

Even with that said, I am beginning to feel sorry for the girls in the singles advertisement that pops up on web pages every so often.

For your education, I have posted a picture of the three young vixens for you to review. Personally, I have no idea what is wrong with Rosa92, Cincy1246, and Amber55, but I do know that I have seen this same advertisement on multiple sites all over the World Wide Web for at least the last year. You would think in that amount of time one of them could have found a significant other?

Seriously, I can't understand how at least one of these seemingly attractive young ladies can't find a steady boyfriend or at least a string of hopeful suitors to allow them to have their pictures removed from prominent display all over the cyber-world. Maybe there is a reason why they only have headshots, because for all three not to be able to be taken off the market by now would indicate to me that either they have no arms or legs or they have extra unsightly appendages.

Also, they all obviously have some serious coin, because I have seen other ads showing them where they live in a multitude of different cities. Personally, most of the people I know can only afford to live in one city at a time.

I will continue to hold out hope that one day all three will eventually find true love through their abundant exposure through the internet.....

The Bullpen

Dear Congressman,

Thought I would take a minute to tell a short story from my days in Southern California. I do not know if you are a baseball fan or n0t, but since the Bengals are so awful I have to believe that you must obtain your "sports fix" via the Cincinnati Reds.

Today I was reading a blog by a high school friend of mine, Scott Wheeler, who posted today about the "Best Job in the World". One of the jobs listed was for a bullpen catcher, which did seem very stress free as careers go.

Unless you were the bullpen catcher for the Detroit Tigers in 1986. Then it could be a little scary....

On a sunny day in the summer of 1986 I got a call from a friend that had tickets to the California Angels game that afternoon. He wanted to know if I was interested. I was.

We arrived at the park and proceeded to purchase the baseball prerequisites: a bland hot dog caked in mustard, nachos with melted american "cheese-food", and a tall plastic cup full of an nondescript American lager. Anaheim Stadium (as it was called in those days) was about half filled, and our seats were on the third base line in the outfield, about four seats over from the chain link fence that separated the crowd from the Tiger's bullpen.

One thing I must point out is that in the 80's when you attended a game in Southern California, whether it be the Angels or the Dodgers, about 1/2 of the crowd would be wearing a ballcap with the logo of the opposing team. This was due to the fact that a large amount of southern Cal citizens were transplants, and liked to take advantage of their childhood team coming to town. This day was no exception.

As I stated, we were four seats over from the fence to the bullpen, and a guy in a Detroit Tigers cap was shooting the breeze with the bullpen catch sitting in a chair next to him. I could occasionally catch a snippet of their conversation, which centered on a debate about which Detroit restaurant was better than which and what happened to the team since the 84 World Series win.

The "event" happened in the sixth inning. The Angels were at bat and Kirk Gibson was playing right field directly in front of us. I heard the guy sitting next to the bullpen catcher say:

"I betcha a baseball I can get Kirk to turn around."

The catcher looked at him. "Nah, man... Kirk don't turn around for nothing while playing. He's all focus, man."

After a short back and forth the catcher finally agreed to the bet. By this point everyone in earshot was listening and interested observe the outcome.

So the guy cupped his hands and shouted:

"HEY KIRK, I'M BACK IN D-TOWN NEXT WEEK. YOUR WIFE STILL WORK AT THE SAME PLACE?"

Kirk did nothing for a second as he was in "set position" as the pitcher was throwing a pitch, but as soon as the ball hit the catcher's glove Kirk wheeled around and drove a hard stare in the general direction of where we were sitting. I can honestly say to this day that the thirty or so people sitting within 20 feet of me did not speak, flinch, or make any sudden movements during that time as Mr. Gibson stared us down. Trust me, that 10-15 seconds felt like an hour.

Kirk finally turned back to the game, and I do not remember him turning around again for the entire game.

About twenty minutes after the incident the bullpen catcher slipped a baseball through the fence to the fan in question and said:

"Are you $(#@^ crazy. Don't ever do that again!"

Turns out that Mr. Gibson met his wife, JoAnn Sklarski, at a "gentleman's club" in Detroit called The Booby Trap.

Rod Blagojevich's recent diary entries

December 10th, 2008

Just got home from my unplanned overnight visit to the Courthouse. Spent a lot of time in a small room with a whole bunch of other visitors, some of them rather unpleasant smelling. Hate to waste an opportunity to network so I managed to hit them up for a total of $17.43 toward my campaign coffers. Most were pretty nasty about it, kind of like some lobbyists who will go nameless, but the group of winos passed out in the corner were cooperative. Had to promise several of them the open Senate seat, but what the heck, they are probably all ex-cons and Harry Reid won't seat 'em anyway.

December 11th, 2008

What is the deal with all the *%$&# reporters camped out in front of my house!!!! I thought about going out there and charging them a "lawn fee" for the right to be on my property, but my lawyer told me that probably wouldn't be a good idea right now. Ended up sneaking out the back, as the only people back there were probably paparazzi anyway and I could hit them up for a cut of their fee later. Tried to avoid the wife all morning as she decided that the whole "situation" was my fault and kept nagging away like a pitt bull chasing a pork chop.

December 15th, 2008

Actually managed to get to the office today without having to attempt to run over the media, as the "lawn fee" had it's desired affect and made most of them leave. I also made some decent coin on my cut from the lemonade stand I let next door's kid set up at the end of the driveway. All cash too so no messy paper trails!

Wife is still on my case like a undertaker at a train wreck, and personally I would like to shoot that damn Irakee reporter who threw his shoes at President Bush yesterday. Since then I have had to duck every time I have seen the wife as she has hurled the stilettos at me with ever increasing vigor..

December 19th

Was a bad day at the office. Seems a lot of "contributors" have decided that my little trip to the federal courthouse means that they no longer have to fulfill their financial commitments to my campaign. Spent the better part of the day explaining to them that was not the case. Also, signed into law a gubernatorial order to give pay raises of 20% to all penal system personnel, whether state or federal as a signal to my voters of my continued commitment to being tough on crime.
December 26th

Taking a few days off for Christmas. Only one or two reporters still outside so lawn fees and lemonade stand monies have basically dried up. Had to have a heart to heart with the neighbor's kid as I think he was stiffing me on part of my share of the profits. Spoke with my pro-bono lawyer the other day about the "situation" and he seems to think they might have a case against me. I told him he was fired and could go %*$& himself, but then I remembered that he was free, so I rehired him on the spot, with an agreement that my campaign would receive 28% of any royalties received from any books he wrote about my "situation".

December 30th

Pulled staff together and told them I had decided to go ahead and pick a Senator as it was my duty as governor to do so. After much consideration during the ride in from home, I had come to the conclusion that the best person for the seat would be that guy who used to play Perry Mason in the old TV show. Took us a few minutes to remember his name, Raymond Burr, and was very disappointed when a particularly brazen young staff member pointed out to me that he had died of cancer in 1993. Additionally, I had to admonish several of them for staring at me with their mouths wide open the entire time we were having the discussion. Didn't really have a second choice, but then I remember that the old comptroller had a name very similar to that of the late great Perry Mason....