The new kitchen

Dear Congressman,

Things must be pretty hectic there in DC with President Bush packing away the old linens and lining up the pardons before hopping into the moving truck next Tuesday morning. After that President-elect Obama will take possession of the White House and bring a new administration to town for you to hone your debate and negotiation skills against. I am sure you are looking forward to burning the midnight oil as you either parlay about or defend against the agenda of the new Democratic administration.

Since all things in the House go across your desk first, I thought I might make a few compromise suggestions for Cabinet positions that you could potential pass on to the new administration. After all, in the spirit of bi-partisan politics what are they going to do, refuse to take the list?

Anyway, whether you hand it over is up to you, but here are my suggestions...

Secretary of State - Since Condi Rice is off to run the NFL and the new administration is bent on giving the position to another female, then I would propose that it be given to Martha Stewart. Martha would be a perfect fit, as she can be diplomatic when the cameras are on, but a real hard-ass when the red light is switched off. As another plus, she has previous experience as she was a "ward of the state" for several months a few years ago.

Secretary of Treasurer - It is pretty obvious that the continued secession of wall street types in this position just isn't cutting it. Here's where we need to recycle a blast from the past, and hand this one over to H. Ross Perot. After he gets done baffling everyone with a 3 hour primetime special on all cable and network channels complete with charts, grafts, and general paranoia we would gladly do whatever it takes to fix the economy

Secretary of Health and Human Services - Another easy one... Richard Simmons. His solution to everything is jumping jacks and hugs, a real money saver on the budget deficit side. Plus he won't bust the wardrobe budget either like Ms. Palin did....

Attorney General - This position calls for someone with a loud voice, a lot of energy, and the ability to motivate people to get convictions in a court of law. Gotta hand this one to Nancy Grace of CNN Headline News fame. Criminal activity would be halved within six months once she instituted her "guilty until proven innocent" initiative and Rhode Island is fenced off to form the 1st US state converted into a penal colony.

Secretary of Defense - I would nominate "the General", Bobby Knight. First, he is available after handing his day job off to his son. And second, if you were a third world country, would you cross this guy? I wouldn't even negotiate with him unless I was assured that all the chairs in the conference room were nailed to the floor.

Secretary of Agriculture - I would go here with a minority candidate. Cheech Marin comes to mind, as he would not be offensive to the migrant workers who perform most of the back-breaking manual agricultural work in the US, and he is very familiar with "cultivating crops".

Secretary of Transportation - Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger, the US Air pilot who got his plane wet when he discovered that a flock of geese can clog two very large high-bypass turbine engines. Anyone who can fly a 169 thousand pound glider with two seconds notice has what it takes to run the transportation department.

and finally

Secretary of Homeland Security - I was thinking Lou Dobbs, not so much for his "kick'em all out" stand on illegal immigrants but because he would single handedly stimulate the economy when the new administration institutes his "American free of foreigners" program. This program would build the equivalent of the Great Wall of China running from south Texas all the way to San Ysidro, California, creating thousands of jobs to be filled by out of work stockbrokers and mortgage brokers.