Rod Blagojevich's recent diary entries

December 10th, 2008

Just got home from my unplanned overnight visit to the Courthouse. Spent a lot of time in a small room with a whole bunch of other visitors, some of them rather unpleasant smelling. Hate to waste an opportunity to network so I managed to hit them up for a total of $17.43 toward my campaign coffers. Most were pretty nasty about it, kind of like some lobbyists who will go nameless, but the group of winos passed out in the corner were cooperative. Had to promise several of them the open Senate seat, but what the heck, they are probably all ex-cons and Harry Reid won't seat 'em anyway.

December 11th, 2008

What is the deal with all the *%$&# reporters camped out in front of my house!!!! I thought about going out there and charging them a "lawn fee" for the right to be on my property, but my lawyer told me that probably wouldn't be a good idea right now. Ended up sneaking out the back, as the only people back there were probably paparazzi anyway and I could hit them up for a cut of their fee later. Tried to avoid the wife all morning as she decided that the whole "situation" was my fault and kept nagging away like a pitt bull chasing a pork chop.

December 15th, 2008

Actually managed to get to the office today without having to attempt to run over the media, as the "lawn fee" had it's desired affect and made most of them leave. I also made some decent coin on my cut from the lemonade stand I let next door's kid set up at the end of the driveway. All cash too so no messy paper trails!

Wife is still on my case like a undertaker at a train wreck, and personally I would like to shoot that damn Irakee reporter who threw his shoes at President Bush yesterday. Since then I have had to duck every time I have seen the wife as she has hurled the stilettos at me with ever increasing vigor..

December 19th

Was a bad day at the office. Seems a lot of "contributors" have decided that my little trip to the federal courthouse means that they no longer have to fulfill their financial commitments to my campaign. Spent the better part of the day explaining to them that was not the case. Also, signed into law a gubernatorial order to give pay raises of 20% to all penal system personnel, whether state or federal as a signal to my voters of my continued commitment to being tough on crime.
December 26th

Taking a few days off for Christmas. Only one or two reporters still outside so lawn fees and lemonade stand monies have basically dried up. Had to have a heart to heart with the neighbor's kid as I think he was stiffing me on part of my share of the profits. Spoke with my pro-bono lawyer the other day about the "situation" and he seems to think they might have a case against me. I told him he was fired and could go %*$& himself, but then I remembered that he was free, so I rehired him on the spot, with an agreement that my campaign would receive 28% of any royalties received from any books he wrote about my "situation".

December 30th

Pulled staff together and told them I had decided to go ahead and pick a Senator as it was my duty as governor to do so. After much consideration during the ride in from home, I had come to the conclusion that the best person for the seat would be that guy who used to play Perry Mason in the old TV show. Took us a few minutes to remember his name, Raymond Burr, and was very disappointed when a particularly brazen young staff member pointed out to me that he had died of cancer in 1993. Additionally, I had to admonish several of them for staring at me with their mouths wide open the entire time we were having the discussion. Didn't really have a second choice, but then I remember that the old comptroller had a name very similar to that of the late great Perry Mason....