Burning both ends

Dear congressman,

When I was researching you on Wikipedia while starting this blog, I noticed that it was mentioned in passing that you are a chain smoker. While even the new President has been known to occasionally dabble in that particular vice, I would be remiss in not pointing out the following news story about one of your constituents:

Woman burned when oxygen ignites
By Jennifer Baker
MIDDLETOWN – A woman smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an oxygen supply set herself on fire this morning and badly burned her lower body, Middletown fire officials said.

The woman, whose name and age were not released, was taken to Atrium Medical Center in Middletown with non-life threatening injuries, said Fire Capt. Bill Lolli.

The blaze damaged the woman's apartment about 3:30 a.m. in a house in the 1300 block of Girard Avenue. A fire detector awakened three other residents.

When fire crews arrived, the other residents had rescued the woman and were bringing her out, Lolli said. She suffered burns to her lower body, Lolli said.

This is the third fire this year the captain said he's been to that was ignited by a person smoking while hooked up to oxygen.

"It’s a serious safety hazard to smoke while you have oxygen on," Lolli said. "Oxygen will support combustion. I’m not sure if they knew better or not .... I guess they just don’t really think it can happen."

Damage to the apartment was estimated at about $25,000. The American Red Cross responded to help.

Now, I am not a saint on this issue either, as I smoked for over 18 years, from 1979 to 1997. But it really does say something about the additive nature of nicotine if you are sitting in your residence with a large green bottle of oxygen that states in large letters on the side "FIRE HAZARD- NO SMOKING" and as an individual you still flick that bic or light that match right next to a a tube that is flowing pure oxygen into your nostrils....

Whereas I freely admit that I was addicted to nicotine during my smoking years, I somehow want to believe that if I was on oxygen, probably due to smoking induced reduced lung capacity, that I would somehow either quit smoking or find a nicotine delivery system that would not have the potential to turn me into an individual version of the Burning Man Festival...

As an ending note, and not to be to nagging here about your cigarette hobby, I used to get bronchitis on an annual basis like clockwork when I was part of the Marlboro man club, but since 1997 I have not had a bronchial problem... even once...

Your call Congressman Boehner...

The Great Recession

Dear Congressman,

We have all come to a collective realization that the United States economy is currently in a serious world of hurt. The network media constantly barrages us with tales of foreclosures, panicking stock market trading floors, and endless streams of layoff announcements by companies trying to deflect attention from their woefully earnings reports.

But to date, we do not have a good name for this monetary malaise that has spread across the globe quicker than steroids at a body building competition. The Great Depression has already been used, plus... hopefully.... the current version of GDP reduction does not reach those levels that we all heard our grandparents talk about in the 1970's. So I thought I would help you out again with a few suggestions to sprinkle around at those Georgetown cocktail parties this weekend.

The Great Recession - I would suggest staying away from this one, as it is entirely lame and sounds like something a junior aide might come up with. If someone else suggests it at a party or in passing conversation, then you know you are dealing with a mental midget.

The 2nd Post Millennium Delirium : Can't claim it is the first, as that one occurred between 2000 and 2002. Has a nice catch to it, but might be thought of as too flighty by your liberal colleagues across the aisle.

The Immense Housing Bubble Fubar : Nice and to the point. Even includes the hidden curse words for that slight edginess that seems to be required in Washington now an intellectual is in the White House.

The Bank Job of 2008/2009 : A nice play on a film title, with the U.S. public literally getting jobbed by financial institutions anyway, it only seems fitting.

The "Cyclical Recessive Asset Purge ": the initials say it all....

The Vast Dash to Cash : as Jeff Macke stated so eloquently on "Fast Money" several months ago "There are only two positions in this market: cash and fetal."

The Securitization Limbo Contest : Will win you points with the financial savvy types as they argue "mark to market" and Level III asset prices over martinis and caviar. Stay away from Bank CEO's when talking about this one however, as they are still finding out that the limbo stick can go lower than they ever imagined possible.

and my personal favorite:

How low can you go with my dough?

Cut the BS

Dear Congressman,

The other day I was reviewing my mail when I came across something that might be of interest to you while fighting off the liberal hordes roaming the halls of the Capitol building. The item of interest appeared in a catalog called the "The Vermont Country Store: Purveyors of the practical and hard to find".


So I went ahead and scanned the article for your review to see if this device would be of use to you. By installing these in all the stalls of bathrooms around the House of Representatives and enforcing their use by House members, it might be possible to finally speak with a house member from across the fence with full knowledge that they are not "full of crap". I would be a little leery of installing them near the Senate chambers, but now that Senator Larry Craig has been voted out of office you might be okay to install them there as well.

One side note though, I know that as the lead Republican in the house you represent the capitalist conservative movement, but I think you or your representative needs to negotiate a better price from the Vermont Country Store. $69.95 plus shipping and handling (no tax as you can just flash that Fed exemption in their faces) seems to me to be a little excessive for an elevated piece of molded plastic. After all, you want to flush out everyone's colons, not their wallets.....

To catch a computer repair man

Dear Congressman,

I noticed after Chris Hansen received national prominence with his "To catch a predator" series that it started putting faces on the wide range of individuals that seem to believe that it alright to molest or otherwise abuse underage members of society.

As a group they are despised, and rightfully so, as their type of crime has no place in our society. With that said, what is the deal with all these pedophiles and the computer repair guy. An example is this snippet from the February 8th Cincinnati Enquirer:

BATAVIA -- A local man who fled police after being indicted for child pornography was arrested Friday in San Diego, Calif.
John Kopkowski of Batavia was indicted on 50 felony child pornography counts in Clermont County on Wednesday.
Police allegedly found hundreds of images of children in various states of nudity and engaging in sexual acts on a computer he had taken in to be repaired. He fled after police searched his apartment.


Same think happened to Gary Glitter, the glam-rock star who's "Rock & Roll, Part 2" is a staple at sporting events, spent time in jail in England when a repairman noticed "indecent material" on his harddrive.

Since this continues to happen again and again, I have to say to these people: Hello!!! When you load up a bunch of pictures that would general cause the local town folk to hunt you down with torches, pitchforks, and a large noose, don't you think it is a good idea to throw away the computer hard drive and start over rather than taking it to a computer repair shop? Have you ever met a computer technician? The average one is probably looking on your hard drive for some pornography for their collection, but are disgusted when they find out that you only have the perverted and illegal stuff. Hence the ensuing call to the police.

The "To catch a predator" series came to an end because of publicity. All these pedophiles finally figured out that an underage kid on the other end of the computer enticing you to come to their house is probably an undercover cop tapping away on a keyboard that records every keystroke. But clueless child abusers continue to fall over themselves to have someone they don't know delve into the contents of their computer.

Then again... lets just keep it that way... if that's the best way to catch them, then maybe I will by a beer for the next person who tells me they repair computers for a living and say : "nice job!".

P&G stops and smells the roses

Dear Congressman,

I was perusing the news this morning when I found an interesting article in the Cincinnati Business Courier in regards to one of Cincinnati's largest employers:

Cincinnati-based Procter & Gamble Co. on Wednesday launched a Febreze Destinations Collection, fragrances from around the world in three scents -- Hawaiian Aloha, Brazilian Carnaval and Moroccan Bazaar.

The company said in a press release that the fragrances were the result of consumer research and interaction that indicated many Americans were "looking to create a more experiential scent atmosphere in the home to stimulate the senses and create an overall ambiance."

If you ask me, they are interesting choices. The first of the three, Hawaiian Aloha, seems the tamest of the bunch. I would think that it invokes nasal sensations of sea salt in a warm breeze, fresh flowers from the lei around your neck, and a slight hint of cannabis lofting from a minivan in the North Shore parking lot full of surfers just back from riding a "bitchin' break with no slop".

Brazilian Carnaval is a little more olfactory insensitve, as I have no idea where they found a consumer research panel that convinced their research staff that the scent of millions of sweaty armpits, copious amounts of alcohol induced vomit, and residual smell of firecracker sulfur is going to end up anywhere in the U.S. other than (eventually) the shelves of Dollar General.

And, of course, my favorite is Moroccan Bazaar, for obvious reasons. Sanity must have been optional for the marketing thinktank that came up with this name. Moroccan Bazaar... gee... what comes to mind when one thinks of a Moroccan Bazaaar? I'll take a stab at it. Here's what I would think of as the predominant smells coming from this particular marketplace:

1) The overwhelming odor of goat.
2) Hashish wafting from a nearby cafe.
3) That weird scent released by P&G research staff when they collectively realize that not a single human being who works or attends a Morocan Bazaar has recently bathed or even heard of any of their many deodorant products available to mask the odor of unwashed people.
4) The actual fragrance eminating from the aforementioned inhabitants of Rabat.

Now, don't get me wrong, Congressman. There are plenty of people in your district who would fit this discription as well, but P&G is not coming out with a fragrance call Fairfield Market or Wetherington Wells, is it?

Trump goes thump

Dear Congressman,

I am sure you have heard of the New York real estate / casino owner / Rosie O'Donnell basher / TV personality referred to as "the Donald" aka Donald Trump. I would not be surprised if he has not come to Washington or had you come to one of his resorts for some high-powered full-hair-assault lobbying efforts on behalf of his interests. Whereas he probably can be quite charming over cocktails and dinner, before you sponsor a bill to make him the honorary king of New York City, I would be amiss if I did not bring to your attention the state of his public company, Trump Entertainment Resorts, Inc. (TRMP:NASDAQ ).

I noticed that it has only been a public company since 2005. This is because this particular entity has been through two previous bankruptcies, as it appears Mr. Trump has a difficult time managing cash flow for his gaming industry enterprises. In case you are not aware, what happens in most bankruptcies is the following:

1. Corporate debtors (bonds & financing) don't get paid and force company into bankruptcy court to work out problems.

2. Price of common stock goes to somewhere around either 1cent to $1. The stock is essentially worthless at this point, and it is normally being snapped up by large debt holders who are only interested in the voting rights attached or by uneducated investors who think it is a steal.

3. Company either liquidates and remaining assets are distributed to debt holders first, with nothing less for the stockholders when completed, or the company comes out of bankruptcy by canceling old stock (so holders get nothing) and issuing stock in place of debt to most of old debtholders, who then sell it no the open market as quickly as possible to recoup whatever value they can so they don't end up like the previous stockholders when the cycle continues.

So Mr. Trump has twice has allowed his fellow stockholders in his casino holding company to lose their shirts without even dealing any cards or allowing them to pull a slot machine handle.

And currently his companies shares are trading at 21cents, as the company missed a scheduled bond payment and has been given a short reprieve until the company is considered in default, effectively putting them into bankruptcy for the third time.

I have always felt Mr. Trump is a blowhard with bad hair, and the New York Times agrees. But to run the same company into the ground for the third time? Kind of like the Cincinnati Bengals, I think it might be time to re-evaluate the management, not the company.

Super stats

Dear Congressman,

Last night was again the annual American ritual of the National Football League's over-hyped finale, affectionately known as the Superbowl. No doubt you were in some brownstone in Georgetown with your fellow congressman devouring large quantities of chicken wings and lager style beer. The outcome was not to any of our likings, with the Steelers winning their record sixth title, but the game is always an event, bring people together to yell, argue, laugh, and generally have fun.

In fact, Roger McShane in Slate.com's today's papers kindly gave us a list of "interesting Superbowl statistics:

• "More Americans watched the Super Bowl last year than voted in the 2004 presidential election."

This makes sense to me, as kids, convicted felons, non-resident aliens, and apathetic sports fans all watch the game while giving election polling places a wide berth.

• "The 17 most-watched programs in TV history have all been Super Bowl games."

Make that the 17 most-watched programs in "American" TV history. Plus, you have to watch it live, because every media source from newspapers to radio to TV are constantly talking about the final score within ten seconds of the end.

• "Last year, 30 percent of Americans chose pro football as their favorite sport, compared to 15 percent for baseball and just 4 percent for professional basketball."

Well... duh!!!! Most American's fired baseball back in 1994 when the went on strike (aka: millionaires fighting with billionaires) and professional basketball has Stephon Marbury and had Latrell Sprewell....

• Potential Hall of Famer Kurt Warner "has only three seasons with 16 starts."

And has won a Superbowl while helping his team get to two others. And Joe Namath only had one season where he started 16 games. (of course the season was only 14 games back then and he played 16 in his Superbowl year)

• Cardinal defensive tackle Darnell Docket has scheduled a 10-hour appointment on Tuesday in order to get a tattoo commemorating the game.

I bet he cancels it this morning.....

• "Gen. David H. Petraeus, the head of United States Central Command, will toss the coin before the game."

This guy is tougher than most of the football players on the field. In 1991 when he was a lt. colonel he was accidentally shot in the chest during a training exercise. He got released early from the hospital a few days after surgery when he demonstrated he was fit for duty by doing fifty push-ups.

• Five teams have never been to a Super Bowl. They are Cleveland, Detroit, Houston, Jacksonville, and New Orleans.

Makes me feel better about being a Bengals fan. Of all the teams listed, Detroit is the furthest from the big game after the first 0-16 season by a team .... ever....