By the time I get to Phoenix ....

Dear Congressman,


It appears Arizona has come to the decision that the biggest problem facing these United States is not the record recession, high unemployment, or the housing bubble crisis. Nope, Arizona has pointed out that the biggest national problem is illegal immigration. Yes, those pesky Latin Americans who blatantly flaunt our laws by sneaking into Arizona, stealing purses from little old ladies in broad daylight, speaking Spanish in a completely un-American fashion, praying to a Catholic rather than Protestant God, working for wages that any red blooded American would turn their nose up at, and eating Mexican food other than that available from Taco Bell.

I apologize if I missed any stereotypical behavior, but I think I covered all the high points. So I thought I would help you in the halls of Congress by giving you a few suggestions on how to deal with this problem.

1. DNA laws of occupancy. This would be easy as DNA testing has come a long way since the days of the OJ Simpson trial. Arizona can simply pass a law stating that unless you can trace your DNA back to one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, then you are not welcome in their fine upstanding state. If you already live there, better contact a realtor and make your moving arrangements, because you are no longer welcome in Arizona. Exceptions can be made for Mayflower descendants on a case-by-case basis.

2. Internment camps for illegals. Yes, Arizona could be a real trend setter with this solution, bringing back those camps of the mid 1940s that stored our Americans of Japanese descent during World War II. In fact, all Arizona would have to do is pull out some old handbooks and fix up the old facilities, as the Poston and Gila River "War Relocation Centers", two of the largest internment camps from that era, are located inside Arizona's borders. They could even pass a law to require interned non-citizens to pay a boarding charge, thus reversing the long time flow of money from the USA and have those pesos coming north to Arizona.

Or finally,

3. Genocide. Politically incorrect but extremely expedient, Arizona can simply amend their current ruling on ID checks to stipulate that if you do not have the proper documents to prove your citizenship at all times, you are subject to immediate execution by the law enforcement official who is questioning you. This would prove another boon to the Arizona economy as ammunition and casket sales would skyrocket. Additionally, there would a corresponding boom in alcohol sales and psychiatric services for law enforcement personnel as they begin to show signs of stress from all of the killings they are duty sworn to perform for the great state of Arizona.