Katie Scores an Interview

Dear Congressman,

As you are probably aware, the CBS evening news with Katie Couric is getting creamed by the Brian Williams on NBC and Charles Gibson on ABC. So CBS decided to play hardball and line up a blockbuster interview for Katie to scoop the competition. I managed to get a copy of the transcript to share with you.

Katie: Good evening. I am here tonight to interview a very special guest. In the studio tonight is Nadya Suleman, the single mother of six who just gave birth to octuplets in January. Nadya, how are you this evening?

(Nadya is leaning forward holding a cell phone to her ear)
Nadya: Well you tell that piece of .... (Nadya looks up) Oh! are we on the air?

Katie: Yes we are...

Nadya: (still talking into cellphone) I gotta go... no... no... really, I gotta go. Okay... no... hold out for more .... no... BYE!

(Nadya closes phone and smiles at Katie)

Nadya: Hi Katie. What did you say?

Katie: (visibly frustrated) I asked you how you are this evening.

Nadya: Oh me.. I'm really good and really excited right now about my family...

Katie: Let's talk about that for a minute. You have how many kids now?

Nadya: (counting on fingers and then toes) uh... hold on (counts fingers and toes again) that would be fourteen Katie.

Katie: And how many bedrooms do you have in your current house?

Nadya: (smiling) That's easy Katie. Two!

Katie: I have to ask. Where is everyone going to sleep?

Nadya: Why, in the bedrooms silly!

Katie: Really?

Nadya: Yes, really Katie. We all love each other so much and there is plenty of room in the bedrooms for all (pause while Nadya again goes to fingers and toes) fifteen of us!

Katie: (beginning to have trouble hiding agitation) You have not had a job since 1999 and yet you have given birth to fourteen children. How do you plan on supporting them as they all grow up?

Nadya: Well Katie, as I was saying, with that so much love in one house money is not really an issue for us. We all just want to be together and love each other.

Katie: (jaw visibly dropping) I'm speechless...

Nadya: I know, isn't it wonderful!

Katie: One last question. Can you tell me the names of all your children?

Nadya: (pulling out a piece of paper) Ha! I saw that Sarah Palin interview you did. I was ready for you. There's Elijah and Amerah and Joshua and ...

Katie: (standing up) You don't know your own children's NAMES?

Nadya: Sure I do! I gott'em right here. (waving paper in the air)

(Katie leaps forward and tackles Nadya, placing her hands around her throat and squeezing while releasing a primal scream. Camera suddenly points in the air as cameraman and rest of crew are heard in the background trying to subdue Katie with a taser-type device.)