Need your help with something

Dear Mr. Boehner,

I planned on just writing to you once in a while to update you on local happening here in the Cincinnati area while you are away fighting off lobbyists and cutting pork out of bills out there in D.C. . But there is a local issue that requires your immediate attention as it has festered on and on for entirely too long.

I will get right to the point. You have to do something about the Cincinnati Bengals. I know that they finally won a game against the Jacksonville Jaguars and are all psyched and happy going into the bye week, but as a long term Bengals fan I am in "Large Carnivorous Feline Purgatory".

I think the coach is fine, as a matter of fact he takes time to acknowledge our semi-local troops in Iraq and in general seems like an all around capable leader of the team. But not unlike the banks and investment banks, the problem lies with the management.

I am sure Mike Brown is a nice man. Heck, you have probably shared a dinner or two with him, nodding and smiling politely while sharing cute innocent jokes and assorted small talk.

But I am also sure that you, like the rest of us, are a long suffering Bengals fan. I am also quite confident that if you could cast aside all protocol you would let him have it with a torrid stream of frustration induced screams. But as a politician this would be a pipe dream and just not possible.

Since it will not be wise for your career to take the course that I am requesting, I will create an imaginary scenario for you to fulfill this task.

Cut to a quiet Tuesday evening at some nameless Jeff Ruby restaurant. Dinner has just been cleared by the staff when you stand up, stare at Mike Brown (who is across the table) and state the following:
In a normal voice: uh.. Mike... I have been meaning to ask you a few things....

Now pointing and shouting loudly: DID YOU NOT PAY ATTENTION WHEN YOUR DAD WAS EXPLAINING HOW TO SPOT A DECENT FOOTBALL PLAYER? I'M SURE HE MUST HAVE TOLD YOU SOMETHING ABOUT RUNNING A FOOTBALL TEAM! DID YOU SHARE THIS WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND HER HUSBAND. IF NOT, COULD YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO START????

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO SEE THAT SMIRKING JERK MIKE DOYLE APPROACHING ME IN THE HOUSE CHAMBERS TWICE A YEAR AFTER THE BENGALS HAVE BEEN SMOKED BY THE STEELERS. IT IS PRETTY $%^&$##@ AGGRAVATING!!!

AND BY THE WAY, I TALKED TO SIMON LEIS AND HE SAID THERE IS STILL ROOM IN THE HAMILTON COUNTY JAIL. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PERSONALLY EMPTY IT TO FILL OUT YOUR ROSTER!!!!

ONE THIRD OF ALL THE 0-8 STARTS TO EVER OCCUR IN THE NFL ARE THE PROPERTY OF YOU!!!! CAN YOU SUCK ANY HARDER!!!! EVEN A BLIND SQUIRREL CAN FIND A NUT ONCE IN A WHILE!!!!

You sit down and now speak in a normal voice and a big smile: What shall we have for desert?