Translations

Dear Congressman,

I was watching CNBC the other day when a financial "talking head" make the following statement defending a company that was being questioned by a shareholder for their bonus policy and questionable business decisions:

"Well, at the end of the day they are the owners of the your money."

Interesting point... so the company is sticking a flag in your stock certificates and claiming divine sovereignty over your holdings? A modern day Hernán Cortés grabbing the cash from the helpless Aztec shareholders and claiming it for Spain?

He probably did not mean it the way it sounded, but that leads me to the next bone of contention. In business today, there are "code words" that mean one thing to one party and a whole different meaning to another. Allow me to give you a few examples:

"Valued customer" - when you see this on a letter from a company addressed to you ("the general public") this might be interpreted as a term of affection. It is not. This readily translates to the words "sucker" and "mark". Any time you see theses words, get ready to grab your wallet before it is emptied for you.

"Customer service number" - Companies love to tout their commitment to customer service, but just try calling the handy toll free telephone number that is printed right after this friendly and inviting term. Surprise!!! An automated voice system, that directs you through a maze of options so complex that if you dug deep enough through it you might find Jack Nicholson frozen in a corner holding an axe somewhere in there. And if you do manage to get through to a living person, don't be surprised if they can't stop yawning due to the time difference between you and the Indian subcontinent.

"Money back guarantee" - usually entails calling the "customer service number" with predictable results. Most people tend to miss the fine print that states "fully refundable only during a verified snow storm in the Sahara desert and to be paid in Albanian leks".

"Supplies limited, act now" - I personally tend to run in the other direction when I hear these words. What it really means is they have so much of this item that, after everyone at the company trying to sell it to you has had their fill of it, they desperately need to dump the remaining inventory on the unsuspecting general public. It goes without saying that when you also see the words "limited edition" there are probably more copies available then Imelda Marcos' shoe inventory.

and finally,

Walmart's tagline "Save money, live better"- I think I have mentioned this one before, but this still really creeps me out due to its Orwellian nature. That slogan is definitely a "doubleplusungood" if I have ever seen one....