Reality shows I'd like to see

Dear Congressman,

Since you have been busy fighting off the hordes of lobbyists and liberal congressman currently roving the halls of the House, you are probably unaware that a "reality TV" craze has taken over the programming of America's networks. Everyone from singers to models to chiefs to starving people on Islands are being deprived of sleep, fed endless streams of coffee, and then set loose at each other like wolverines on hallucinogenic drugs.

However, even with the countless hours network producers have spent reviewing pilots for these programs, there are still holes in the cultural void that could be filled with just a little extra creativity and tweaking of the current crop of programming that is inundating our airwaves, cable lines, and satellite dishes. As usual, I have some examples of potential shows that will spruce up the barren TV landscape. The only caveat is that due to the violent nature of most of this programming, it might be better to put the kids to bed before turning these on.

Meso-American Idol - Along the same concept of American Idol or England's Pop Idol, except instead of the usual narcissistic panel of judges there is a representative of the Inca, Aztec, and Mayan cultures in full regalia. They really don't even need to speak English, but what they do need to be able to do is follow the direction of the voting crowd, because in this contest if you get the boot from the show then you are ritually scarificed to whichever god the panel deems the neediest that evening. The show will be aired live from San Francisco, because.. well... that is where the losing contestant will leave their heart when it is cut from their chest at the end of the show, with the rest of the contestants chanting in the background with a nice view of the Golden Gate Bridge behind.

Dancing with the Stars and Wolves - Again, not that different from the current show where has-been actors, athletes, and wannabes whose agent managed to get them on the show compete with a semi-professional dancer to charm the hearts of the judges and TV sets all over America. This version however is hosted by Kevin Costner, who mumbles the weekly results live on the air before announcing who came in last place. Extra time is allotted to recapture the last place couple due to the fact anyone with half a brain already made a run for it when they realized they might lose, culminating in the final segment when they are forced into an arena with a pack of wolves that's last meal was last week's losing couple. The most common dance steps in this segment are the sprint, the wolf-kick shuffle, and the fetal position.

Survivor - Big Brother edition - A combination of two audience favorites. Contestants are removed from society and placed into a reenactment of George Orwell's 1984, complete with constant spying on all activities. This one involves audience participation as the viewers star as the "Thought Police", judging which contestants have committed the worst "thoughtcrimes" and then giggling with glee when a confession is extracted using government approved techniques, such as waterboarding and sleep deprevation, with the contestant so mentally destroyed that each week ends with them leaving the set with a blank look on their face and a new set of unisex clothing in their arms....

The Amazing Taste/ Top Drop Chef - This is a back to back show from two different perspectives. The first half hour has couples competing to navigate around the South Pacific island of Polanouana Hue, fighting off lizards the size of checked baggage, snakes longer than the list of Cher's former boyfriends, and poisonous insects bigger than an average AIG bonus check. And as a final touch, the losing couple never makes it to the finish line, as they are captured by the natives of Polanouana Hue, the cannibals of the Gannaeet Hue tribe. This leads nicely into the next half hour, where up and coming chefs in the tribe compete with each other to create the most creative and flavorful dishes from the two losers of the first half hour.