Hail Cincinnatius!

Dear Congressman,

I thought it might be nice to explain to other people the idiosyncrasies of native Cincinnatians. Hopefully you are in agreement with the assumptions.

Cincinnati is divided into three zones, Eastsiders, Westsiders, and Northern Kentuckians.

Eastsiders have all the money and live in the big houses of eastern part of the metro area. They spend big money on going to broadway plays at the Arnoff Center.

Westsiders are working class, live in smaller houses, and work for the Eastsiders. They spend big money on Bengals season tickets and beer.

Northern Kentuckians are confused Eastsiders and Westsiders, as they co-mingle freely without realizing that they destroying decades of Cincinnati class structure.

Cincinnati's most famous food is Skyline Chili, a delicacy of mild chili usually served with either spaghetti & shredded cheese or with a hot dog on a bun with shredded cheese. The next most famous is Graeter's ice cream, a thick fat-filled delight that Oprah Winfrey made popular by pimping it on her show. Based on our diet, I am quite confident that local cardiac surgeons are kept quite busy performing heart bypasses, when they are not at the Arnoff Center.

It usually only snows once or twice a year in Cincinnati, but when it does it is referred to as "the white death" and sheer utter panic ensues on all major roads. All drivers appear to have forgotten how to operate a vehicle in environment since the previous year. The Arnoff Center will close but the Bengals will still play in a major snowstorm.

In Cincinnati, when a person wants someone to repeat something they just said, they do not say "excuse me" or "can you repeat that", they say "please" with rising intonation. It can be confusing if you had just said "do you want chocolate syrup on your hamburger?" or "how about a left jab to the solar plexis?".

Every year on the Sunday of Labor Day weekend, the City has a fireworks display over the Ohio River. It normally attracts over 500,000 annually and usually goes smoothly during the afternoon until 100,000 of the attendants get liquored up and aggravate the other 400,000 with their foul language and generally boorish behavior. After the fires are over, everyone tries to leave downtown at the exact same time, leading to the largest annual traffic jam in Cincinnati. During this period, everyone behind the wheel of a car swears that this will be the last fireworks they will ever attend.

Well... I think that is the highlights... if not I will revisit this topic later...