Soccer Theatre

Dear Congressman,

As you are well aware, my family immigrated to the US back in the late 60's, with my father accepting a job at the General Electric Evendale aviation facility. We have all become naturalized citizens, however the passion for that sport panned in the US but loved worldwide remains with us, as my father and I still regularly try to get together to watch an English soccer match on weekends.

This season in the English Premier League, they instituted a fair play policy that made it a penalizable offense if someone other than the team captain complains to the referee.

However, this rule has not been instituted in the rest of European, so the affect has been that to see some really bad acting jobs you must now tune into the Italian or Spanish leagues. Here is a breakdown of the routine you will see throughout the European Leagues.


The referee has just blown the whistle to signal a foul. There are two common scenarios playing out now:

Offending player: The player who caused the foul at first acts nonchalant as the whistle is blown, stopping to turn and look toward the referee slowly.
Then, in a stroke of true performance, he gazes at the referee with a look of complete astonishment that the foul has been called against him.
After holding the look of incongruity as long as possible, he runs up to the referee to attempt to get him to change his mind. The incongruity is now morphing into anger, as the player stands very close to the referee establishing that 1) the ref has been out to get him the entire game, 2) the opposing team has committed more unrecognized offenses that the player will now list for the referee (not unlike the amazing recollection of events instantly quotable by your wife when you are arguing with her) and 3) that the ref is in fact responsible for everything that is wrong with the state of the economy and is the most despicable person on the planet.
Within 15 seconds of the rant starting, several teammates come in to assist the player with their thoughts and hand gestures for the referee to enjoy, which at this point the whole scene begins to look like a trading pit at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. In spite of the continued efforts of the player and his teammates, history has demonstrated clearly that these tactics have failed in leading to a reversal of the decision approximately 100% of the time in the last 120 years.
Once this piece of theatre is complete, the team disperses to defend against the free kick, while the original offending player moves quickly into the contempt phase of his performance, choosing to either completely ignore the referee or inform another player on the pitch of the alleged loose morals of the referee's mother.

Fouled Player: This performance, while requiring more physical skills, is actually an easier task then the offending player's role. In this case, whether the offending player lightly tapped him on the knee or shot him with a revolver, his job is to fall to the ground like he has been shot out of a canon and writhe around in agony only surpassed by someone suffering from the effects of the bubonic plague. Once he have done this for 10-30 seconds and the referee has come over to see if he is done acting or, in rare cases, actually does require the assistance of a physician, the fouled player must switch into accusation mode, lashing out at the offending player and explaining quickly to the ref that the extent of your injuries and potential loss of future livelihood makes it an undeniable requirement that the ref show a red card to the offending player and have him escorted off the field immediately.
Once back on his feet, the fouled player must hobble around for at least 2-4 minutes before resuming regular play for proper emphasis.

And you thought playing soccer was easy.....