End of common thought

Dear Congressman,

More poetry for quiet days at the office...


Not lacking in confidence from time immemorial

there exists a vein of thought now cold

an aging forest of moss and pine

remaining warmth fading as its borders trespassed


It houses the coats of the multitude

where talk is inexpensive and words are dear

logic is cheaply purchased and purpose is clear

sold as inclusive while remaining exclusive

but still part of those timbers contaminated by fear


And impending from above this woodland fair

comes the spark of the sky's consciousness

creating flame where there was no fire at all

inciting panic where calm had reigned tall


Bent on a course reckoned not acceptable to pursue

the fire raced through the dry rotted floor

neither tirade nor condemnation nor rhetoric nor hate

could cause this crimson crusade to abate


At the end of its course laid a path unknown

missing judgment, gossip, hatred, and temper tantrums thrown

but leaving an emptiness now missing needed filled

because the beast thou abated has not yet been killed


The fire has subsided and the fear has dimmed

but a slow terror rises through the fauna once green

the understanding is still far from multitudes of believers

as they cling to a conviction held deep but unseen


Because no matter how hard they cling to their faith

the amp does not go to eleven

the good guys are not always good

and the magnificence ended with the seven...

Pepe Le Pew goes primetime

Dear Congressman,

While you are busy on the hill trying to fight the evils of socialized medicine and preserve HMO profit margins, we are all being delighted to the never ending barrage of information unloaded on us during the network evening news broadcasts. Some of it information and some of it not....

Today's "lite" story was about a skunk that had it's head caught in a jar of Jiffy peanut butter (for the full story click here )

Now, the skunk is eventually saved by a "skunk whisperer", who dopes it up with a little bit of chloroform, yanks the jar off the skunk's head, and then steps back to avoid the potential side effects of a disoriented and extremely upset skunk.

I would be amiss if I did not take a moment to register my disappointment in the tactics used by the aforementioned skunk whisperer. While he took a good long time explaining to the camera what he was about to do, at no point in time did he attempt to communicate with the skunk. The only whispering he did was to the camera right before he snuck up on the disoriented mammal to capture it in a plastic box. Maybe he should rename his business to something like "the skunk capturer" or "the de-skunker", but if you are not willing to get face to face with a Mephitis mephitis on the one and only time you will be on network telelvision, then I would have to have to go out on a limb and say that your skunk whispering skills are a little lacking....

But hey, that's just me... the only time I approached a skunk was in California in the 80's when I thought it was the neighbor's cat. Even though I had it cornered by my front door and personally having the skunk whispering skills of a dead buffalo, I still managed to slowly back away without giving it cause to spray me, even though my hand got within a foot of it as I leaned down to pet it.....

so take that... fake skunk whispering dude....

World Cup Fever

Dear Congressman,

Today I thought I would introduce you to the exciting world of World Cup soccer qualifying. Every four years the nations of the world converge on a predetermined country (in 2010 it will be South Africa) to support the 32 national teams that will be part of the World Cup competition. However, during the two years prior to the event, teams representing all of the planet's soccer federations have been playing each other in group competitions for the right to attend the event. Between this Saturday and Wednesday, the majority of the potential European contestants will be determined.

Here is an example of this process.

Group three in Europe(UEFA) includes the Czech Republic, Northern Ireland, Poland, Slovakia, San Marino and Slovenia. In the competition, everyone plays everyone else home and away once, so there is a total of 10 games in which to qualify. If you come in first, you go to the World Cup. If you come in second, you have a play another second place group winner to see who gets to go to the World Cup.

With me so far?

Okay, we are now at a point where all the teams have played at least eight games.

I chose Group three in Europe as it is fairly straightforward. Slovakia currently leads the group and has the best chance of winning it. Slovakia will play Slovenia on Saturday and if Slovakia win or tie then they are champs of the group. Slovenia must beat Slovakia and then San Marino on Wednesday, then they would likely win the group, unless Slovakia beats Poland on Wednesday by more goals then Slovenia beats San Marino, then Slovakia would still win the Group.

Pretty straightforward, right?

Now for the play-off spot, which is slightly more complicated. Northern Ireland can mathematically still come in second, but the odds are about the same as lightning hitting the First Family's dog. If Solvenia beats Slovakia and then San Marino, then Slovakia have this spot tied up, but if Slovakia beat Solvenia, then Poland and the Czech Republic have a shot at the runner up spot. Czech Republic & Poland play each other on Saturday, so the winner is hoping for the favor from the Slovakia-Solvenia game, but if they tie then they are effectively out. If Poland wins, they need Slovenia to lose in Slovakia and then must then beat Slovakia on Wednesday by a greater margin than Slovenia beat San Marino. If the Czech Republic wins, they will control their own fate against Northern Ireland, but only if Slovenia lose to Slovakia. If Slovenia ties with Slovakia, then the Czech Republic has to beat Northern Ireland by more goals than Slovenia beat San Marino.

So there, simple... right?

Hail Cincinnatius!

Dear Congressman,

I thought it might be nice to explain to other people the idiosyncrasies of native Cincinnatians. Hopefully you are in agreement with the assumptions.

Cincinnati is divided into three zones, Eastsiders, Westsiders, and Northern Kentuckians.

Eastsiders have all the money and live in the big houses of eastern part of the metro area. They spend big money on going to broadway plays at the Arnoff Center.

Westsiders are working class, live in smaller houses, and work for the Eastsiders. They spend big money on Bengals season tickets and beer.

Northern Kentuckians are confused Eastsiders and Westsiders, as they co-mingle freely without realizing that they destroying decades of Cincinnati class structure.

Cincinnati's most famous food is Skyline Chili, a delicacy of mild chili usually served with either spaghetti & shredded cheese or with a hot dog on a bun with shredded cheese. The next most famous is Graeter's ice cream, a thick fat-filled delight that Oprah Winfrey made popular by pimping it on her show. Based on our diet, I am quite confident that local cardiac surgeons are kept quite busy performing heart bypasses, when they are not at the Arnoff Center.

It usually only snows once or twice a year in Cincinnati, but when it does it is referred to as "the white death" and sheer utter panic ensues on all major roads. All drivers appear to have forgotten how to operate a vehicle in environment since the previous year. The Arnoff Center will close but the Bengals will still play in a major snowstorm.

In Cincinnati, when a person wants someone to repeat something they just said, they do not say "excuse me" or "can you repeat that", they say "please" with rising intonation. It can be confusing if you had just said "do you want chocolate syrup on your hamburger?" or "how about a left jab to the solar plexis?".

Every year on the Sunday of Labor Day weekend, the City has a fireworks display over the Ohio River. It normally attracts over 500,000 annually and usually goes smoothly during the afternoon until 100,000 of the attendants get liquored up and aggravate the other 400,000 with their foul language and generally boorish behavior. After the fires are over, everyone tries to leave downtown at the exact same time, leading to the largest annual traffic jam in Cincinnati. During this period, everyone behind the wheel of a car swears that this will be the last fireworks they will ever attend.

Well... I think that is the highlights... if not I will revisit this topic later...

We;'re not worthy!!!

Dear Congressman,

It appears that Chicago was not successful in landing the 2016 Olympic games as the International Olympic Committee decided to give the games to Rio de Janeiro. Word on the street was that the IOC were looking to have a games in South America as it would be the first time ever.

Even Madrid failed in winning the bid, even though they were heavily lobbied by ex-IOC President Juan Antonio Samaranch, a native Spaniard.

Actually, I can understand why the Olympic Committee would want to snub their ex-boss, as he led the IOC during it's most scandal ridden period between 1980 and 1999, where it was commonly known that kissing the buttocks of the IOC members and plying them with lavish gifts was the preferred method for winning an IOC bid for the games.

Take Mr. Samaranch for example. Oh wait... I'm sorry... when Mr. Samaranch was IOC President he required everyone he met to refer to him as "your Excellency". Nothing like a little humility to lead a world class organization like the IOC. Sets are really good example for the athletes, don't you think?

Not only did Mr Excellency demand to be addressed with the utmost respect, he also expected to be treated like royalty. If you requested that Mr Excellency visit you city for any type of event or function, then you were required to provide a chauffeured limousine to pick him up. Needless to say the driver was to speak only when spoken to and better had been on time. As for overnight accommodations, you better had called around town ahead of time to make sure that the presidential Suite of the finest hotel in town was available, because that is where Mr Excellency would be staying.

And as Ronco would say... "but wait... there's more!!!"

When Mr Excellency graced your philistine event with his presence, the expectation would be that he would be the last to arrive, the first to be served if it was a dinner event, and the first to leave, with all of the above being announced to the peasants in attendance. And also make sure you briefed everyone on his title, otherwise there would be very little doubt that your city would ever be visited by Mr Excellency or an Olympic event in the immediate future.

In fact, the IOC put an annual rental retainer of $500,000 for the presidential suite at their headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland for his stays there. And you wonder why the budget to host an Olympic event is so high.

So next time you see an athlete get cocky, take a bong hit, or just do something plain stupid, remember the legacy of Mr Excellency and the fine example of behavior that he has displayed for those who follow him....