Guide to South America, by Mark Sanford

Dear Congressman,

As a Republican lawmaker, I thought you might be interested in hearing from one of your fellow party members on where to go in the southern hemisphere....


Lima, Peru - This city is glorious and you need to understand that. You do not need a therapist to help you figure out Lima's place in the world. It is special and unique and fabulous in a whole host of ways that are worth a much longer conversation.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil - To me, and I suspect no one else on earth, there is something wonderful about listening to country music playing in the cab to Ipenema, air conditioner running, the hum of a huge diesel engine in the background, the tranquilitiy that comes with being in a virtual wilderness of trees and marsh of the Floresta da Tijuca, the day breaking and vibrant pink coming alive in the morning clouds over Christ the Redeemer - and it probably fits with my weakness in doing rather than being - though Rio opened up a new chapter last week wherein I was happy and content just being.

Santigo, Chile - Do you really comprehend how beautiful your city is? Have you been told lately how warm your citizens are and how they softly glow with the special nature of their soul. You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting to your beauty. I could digress and say that Santigo's people have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love their unemployment lines or the curve of it's streets, the exotic beauty of it (or two magnificent parts of it) in the faded glow of night's light - but hey, that would be going into too much detail....

Buenos Aires, Argentina - On advice of my attorney, I am not going to talk about this city.

The slimmest of differences....

Dear Congressman,

Have you ever noticee that there are circumstances where minor differences between things can seem like the Grand Canyon to the casual observer.

For example, if you tell people that God spoke to you and gave you a vision for your life, they will smile, pat you on the back and tell you to "Go with God".

If, however, you tell people that several different gods spoke to you and told you to dye all your shoes pink, then the same people will make a phone call and then invite you to "Go with the nice men in the white suits".

If you graduate top of your class at John Hopkins Medical School, you are given your choose of residencies and are called doctor.

If you graduate top in your correspondence courses at the University of Central Uganda, East Nakaseke Campus, you are given an opportunity to become a resident at a number of hospitals in major cities all over the US and are called doctor.

If you are the governor of a southern state and decide on a whim to fly to Argentina to have a fling with a divorced mother of two, then you can expect to receive some criticism when you come home and face the music.

If you are the governor of a southern state and decide on a whim to fly to Argentina to have a fling with a divorced mother of two and then expect the state to pick up the tab for the trip, then you can expect to receive calls for your resignation when you come home and face the music.

Just those little subtle difference .....

The Bernanke Code

Dear Congressman,

Every few months a bunch of high ranking bankers get together, swap war stories, and decide which direction to influence the money flow in this country, and subsequently the rest of the world. After they are finished with witticisms and martinis, they make some poor intern type up a press release to be sent out at exactly 2:15pm on the day the meeting has ended. The release is so cryptic that there are analysts who make a living out of simply intrepreting what it actually means. So, for your benefit and since the analysts are not unionized, I thought I would do this for you for free....

WASHINGTON - The Federal Open Market Committee released the following statement Wednesday after a two-day meeting.

Release Date: June 24, 2009

For immediate release

Information received since the Federal Open Market Committee met in April suggests that the pace of economic contraction is slowing. “We heard a rumor that McDonald’s and Walmart might start hiring again.”

Conditions in financial markets have generally improved in recent months. “Pure fear has been replaced with plain old fashioned ulcer-generating anxiety.”

Household spending has shown further signs of stabilizing but remains constrained by ongoing job losses, lower housing wealth, and tight credit. "A couple of us had to fire our nannies."

Businesses are cutting back on fixed investment and staffing but appear to be making progress in bringing inventory stocks into better alignment with sales. "The economic business cycle has locked up tighter than a Scientologist at a Billy Graham crusade."

Although economic activity is likely to remain weak for a time, the Committee continues to anticipate that policy actions to stabilize financial markets and institutions, fiscal and monetary stimulus, and market forces will contribute to a gradual resumption of sustainable economic growth in a context of price stability. "None of us had a freakin' clue what shoe is going to drop next."

The prices of energy and other commodities have risen of late. "We all compared our electric bills at the meeting. "

However, substantial resource slack is likely to dampen cost pressures, and the Committee expects that inflation will remain subdued for some time. "We don't know what this means, but when the intern came up with it, we all liked the sound of it."

In these circumstances, the Federal Reserve will employ all available tools to promote economic recovery and to preserve price stability. "We all agreed to run up some balances on our credit cards and to haggle over everything we personally buy."

The Committee will maintain the target range for the federal funds rate at 0 to 1/4 percent and continues to anticipate that economic conditions are likely to warrant exceptionally low levels of the federal funds rate for an extended period. "Again, the intern suggested this sentence. Turns out this kid is pretty bright."

As previously announced, to provide support to mortgage lending and housing markets and to improve overall conditions in private credit markets, the Federal Reserve will purchase a total of up to $1.25 trillion of agency mortgage-backed securities and up to $200 billion of agency debt by the end of the year. "And since we are buying it from ourselves, we hopefully will get a good price!"

In addition, the Federal Reserve will buy up to $300 billion of Treasury securities by autumn. "It was a toss up between Treasury securities by autumn, Muni Bonds by Pimco, Polo by Ralph Lauren, or Chanel #5 by Chanel, but Treasury securities has such a nice scent that we had to go with that one."

The Committee will continue to evaluate the timing and overall amounts of its purchases of securities in light of the evolving economic outlook and conditions in financial markets. "Again, we have no idea what we are doing."

The Federal Reserve is monitoring the size and composition of its balance sheet and will make adjustments to its credit and liquidity programs as warranted. "We finally remembered this time to bring the piggy bank to the meeting so someone could count the coins."

More boring poety II

Dear Congressman,

Time for more boring poetry....

Wanton Endangerfield

Released by the blue-green algae
surrounded by a envelope of warmth
held together by at least two bonds
is the catastrophe most ignored
and the raw materials stored

in time less advanced
we moved to the other end of the car
in time less advanced
we attained satisfaction
dramatically as was the predicted consequence

wanton destruction of genetic wealth
blank stares of denial at the unclean camera
for the guiltiest among us are condemned to be admired
the cleanest to be painted with mold and neglect
and the ambivalent judged in a heavy silence

Your papers please.....

Dear Congressman,

Yesterday I was humbly eating my soup and sandwich in the work lunchroom while the busniess channel, CNBC, was playing on the television mounted in the corner nearest the window. As I ate and half-heartedly gazed at the TV, a commercial came on for a luxury automobile company. That made sense to me because luxury automobile companies probably get most of their sales from people who tend to watch CNBC. I was only watching because nine days out of ten the television is left on that channel by someone who came in early in the morning and selected it. The other day it was on Fox News, as someone here in the office is a fan of that network and likes to put on their programming.

But I digress....

At the end of this luxury car commercial they urged you to buy their product from "an authorized dealer near you". Now this begs the question: is their a network of unauthorized dealers out there that I have to be careful of??? Do they make unauthorized version of your cars out of cardboard and foam and then try to push them off onto an unsuspecting public? If you have such a problem with unauthorized dealers, why not make a commercial about that for consumer protection purposes.

For instance:

Hi, this is John Walsh for Mercedes Benz. Lately, some of our potential customers have been scammed by unscrupulous dealers selling vehicles under the Merkades Bense label and trying to pass them off as the real thing.


Here are some things to look for in your buying experience.


If the dealership is housed in a double-wide trailer with the Merkades Bense sign instead of Mercedes Benz, then it is in all probability an unauthorized dealer.


Also, if they require you to buy the car before you are allowed to drive one, then they are an unauthorized dealer. Once purchased, if they then state they will personally deliver you vehicle to your home later that day as a free service, again.. .they are most likely an unauthorized dealer.


Additionally, if you come back later in the day because the car never showed up and the dealership appears to have vanished, there is a high probability that they are an unauthorized dealer. Another tip off will be that after you return home from the second visit to the dealership you find that your house was burgled and your dog/cat was kidnapped. This is a major tip-off that you went to an unauthorized dealer.


So remember, double-wide, no test driving, disappearing lots, and home robbery are all signs that you have not been to an authorized Mercedes Benz dealership.


This is John Walsh, hoping you have a happy car shopping experience.

Open Government, pandora's box style

Dear Congressman,

As you have probably laughed about during your smoke breaks with your fellow congressman out back behind the Capitol Building, the Obama administration started an open government website for comments from the American people. This effort by the administration was discussed today in a New York Times story and helped to demonstrate some of the more important issues being discussed by our fellow citizens in regards to suggestions for better government.

Here's some of the topics raised for discussion...

Idea #594 Remove Marijuana from Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act - Let's face it, if you open up a forum for discussion of government policy this one will always rear it's head. Nothing new here....

Idea #2071 Open all classified UFO files - Another shocker! There are people in this country convinced that a global-wide governmental conspiracy exists that refuses to release to the public that UFOs and aliens really exist and evidence of them is being secretly hidden. Personally, I have always found that if you tell four people a secret, then it will no longer be a secret to the other six billion world inhabitants within a week. So, if there is evidence of aliens and UFOs and numerous people have been sworn to secrecy over the last seventy years without a serious breech.... all I can say is... well done!!!

Idea #1437 Verify Citizenship Status - I like the reasoning listed with this one...

"the current resident of the White House (the almost certainly fake President) is not a natural-born citizen of the United States, he is not qualified to hold the office of President. Therefore, all orders he has given and all bills he has signed are null and void."

I think the "almost certainly fake" part tips the impartial reader that the writer has a minor bias against the current sitting President of the United States. Does this mean that the first dog is now illegal as well and must be returned to Portugal?

Idea #4060 Executive Order 12986 - According to this post... tell you what... I will let the original post speak for itself...

"Bill Clinton signed over the Grand Canyon to the UN as collateral on our national debt. The UN is functioning under the guise of an environmental group (for our own good). This order allows the UN to take privately owned land and prevents land owners from suing. The UN lays claim to over 60% of the country. This was in the 90's when our debt was lower. What will Obama give away?"

I don't even know how to begin to respond to that one....

Idea #4055 Frankentrees-GMO trees set to be released across America - According to this one, "the pollen in these trees can cause many negative health reactions, particularly with asthmatics and to those with allergies". Yes, we have genetically engineered trees in this country to the point that they can now wash and wax your car while you are watching sports on the television.....


And my personal favorite...

Idea #3797 PUT IN PRISON ALL ACLU LAWYERS THAT FILE RIDICULOUS LAWSUITS TO TEAR DOWN CROSSES OR RELIGIOUS MATERIAL IN THE USA - why you ask... "This has nothing to do with the Seperation of Church and State....They twist everything....They are corrupt and should go to jail..." I hate to be the harbinger of bad news to this person, but if you put everyone whom they disagreed with in jail, you would have to raise income taxes to 80% of all income to pay for all the prisons to house them....

Good stuff, eh congressman!

Many more can be found at http://opengov.ideascale.com/

Happy Father's Day

Dear Congressman,

Since Sunday was Father's day my sister decided that we should have a nice quiet celebration for my father. Since he is in his seventies, we did not want to do anything too strenuous that might hurt his old achy bones. So here are the highlights of the relaxing Sunday outing we planned for him.



On our way to the quiet Sunday Father's day outing in the country we spent several miles of road time following the re-birth of the American agricultural economy, as a local farmer decided it was a good time to move his tractor to another location, utilizing our predetermined route while doing so.



We stopped at Warren County regional airport, as we all knew how much Dad loved flying in his younger days. A local aeronautic worker came by to chat with Pops and see if he had any questions. They hit it off so well that he offered to take Dad up in their airplane for a spin!







As the kind gentleman told him that the plane was old and worn out, they decided to put Dad in a flight suit with a parachute harness, just in case something happened to the plane. They even supplied him with a goofy looking World War I style flying helmet so he could have memories of his days of youth flying Tiger Moths all over southern England.




As we sat baking in the hot sun, a group of local flight enthusiasts joined in the march to the rickety old plane on the end of the runway. Little did we know that an argument must have started at that point, because almost all of the people on the plane would not still be in it when it eventually landed!!!!




At some point before this, the argument must have hit a boiling over point, as clearly from the parachute descending toward us my father was no longer an occupant of the airplane.





Fortunately for my father, the gentleman who was speaking with him before the flight realized that he had no chance of making a proper landing after the pilot had kicked him out of the airplane, so he hooked up my dad to his chute and escorted him down, right to the point his ass bounced off the grass at 20mph!!!


So in the end my father thanked the kind gentleman from saving him from the temperamental pilot who liked to kick passengers out of his plane at 12,500 feet.