To reply... or not

Dear Congressman,

As you know we are currently selling off some of our possessions for the big move out of your district and into Steve Driehaus's domain. I guess I will have to change the blog title at that point, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

One thing we sold was a treadmill, which I got several interested parties contacting me regarding its status. To be fair, I contacted the people in order of receipt of their emails, and (as it happened) the first person who sent an email ended up purchasing the fine piece of Chinese made electronic exercise equipment.

More interesting was this exchange.

From: Heather & Andrew
To: sale-7ekev-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Hi my name is vikke and I'm interested in the treadmill if still available please give me a call @ xxx-xxxx

http://cincinnati.craigslist.org/spo/xxxxxxxx.html

So the name in the title and the body of the email don't match. Made me a little suspicious that it might be a spammer, but didn't really know or care that much, but since I had sold the treadmill to another party, I thought it would be polite to just reply to the email and let them know it was sold.

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
Sorry Vikke, it was sold last night.
Regards, Rich

End of story. Case closed. Turn out the lights... at least I thought....

In the mailbox this morning was the following:

From: Heather & Andrew
To: devolution_9
This is not her e-mail, I'm her friend, that's why she asked you to call her. I'll pass along the message however.

Now my first instinct after reading this was to go the sarcasm route on the reply, but as I do not know Heather personally, it is possible that Andrew makes a living harming other people in the boxing ring, so as I did not want to endanger my personal well-being, I decided to just put my possible replys here. So here goes...

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
You are a true friend. How did Vikke get so lucky?

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
And here I am thinking that Vikke was the Swahili spelling of Heather... my bad...

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
Thank you for explaining the relationship between yourself and Vikke. I will sleep much better tonight knowing this.

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
Heather, how do I know that you will really tell Vikke that she will not be hearing from me about the treadmill? I would hate to think that she spends the next few weeks waiting in vain for my call because you forgot to tell her. Think of the torment and anguish that she might go through just because you neglected to get back to her! She never gets to exercise, gains 200lbs, and leads a life of denial and self loathing all because of the treadmill she did not get. I hope you can live with yourself, Heather!

By the time I get to Phoenix ....

Dear Congressman,


It appears Arizona has come to the decision that the biggest problem facing these United States is not the record recession, high unemployment, or the housing bubble crisis. Nope, Arizona has pointed out that the biggest national problem is illegal immigration. Yes, those pesky Latin Americans who blatantly flaunt our laws by sneaking into Arizona, stealing purses from little old ladies in broad daylight, speaking Spanish in a completely un-American fashion, praying to a Catholic rather than Protestant God, working for wages that any red blooded American would turn their nose up at, and eating Mexican food other than that available from Taco Bell.

I apologize if I missed any stereotypical behavior, but I think I covered all the high points. So I thought I would help you in the halls of Congress by giving you a few suggestions on how to deal with this problem.

1. DNA laws of occupancy. This would be easy as DNA testing has come a long way since the days of the OJ Simpson trial. Arizona can simply pass a law stating that unless you can trace your DNA back to one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, then you are not welcome in their fine upstanding state. If you already live there, better contact a realtor and make your moving arrangements, because you are no longer welcome in Arizona. Exceptions can be made for Mayflower descendants on a case-by-case basis.

2. Internment camps for illegals. Yes, Arizona could be a real trend setter with this solution, bringing back those camps of the mid 1940s that stored our Americans of Japanese descent during World War II. In fact, all Arizona would have to do is pull out some old handbooks and fix up the old facilities, as the Poston and Gila River "War Relocation Centers", two of the largest internment camps from that era, are located inside Arizona's borders. They could even pass a law to require interned non-citizens to pay a boarding charge, thus reversing the long time flow of money from the USA and have those pesos coming north to Arizona.

Or finally,

3. Genocide. Politically incorrect but extremely expedient, Arizona can simply amend their current ruling on ID checks to stipulate that if you do not have the proper documents to prove your citizenship at all times, you are subject to immediate execution by the law enforcement official who is questioning you. This would prove another boon to the Arizona economy as ammunition and casket sales would skyrocket. Additionally, there would a corresponding boom in alcohol sales and psychiatric services for law enforcement personnel as they begin to show signs of stress from all of the killings they are duty sworn to perform for the great state of Arizona.

New Orleans Review

Dear Congressman,

Last October I went to New Orleans to attend a software conference. This was my second time to New Orleans and I wanted to share some photos from the visit.

Here is a photo of a shop on Bourbon Street that specializes in making people do things quicker. I was kind of surprised to see that a business for promoting efficiency had so many pictures of nearly naked women on their outer walls, but maybe that is a southern thing that I just don't get.







As you are probably aware, the New Orleans Saints won Superbowl XLIV (44 for those who are Latin impaired) I am impressed by that deed as the number of beads on this bar's roof leads me to believe that the throwing arms of the Greater New Orleans area are not of a pro-bowl caliber.

I would not be normal if I did not throw in a typical vacation photo. This is Melody and I standing guard over Bourbon Street, ensuing that the intoxicated general public is safeguarded from pickpockets, entertainers covered in silver paint trying to relieve tourist of small US denomination currency, and guys named LaTournee selling non-existent time shares in Shreveport.



I think this is Chris Owens outside her club without makeup on a Thursday morning clearing the vomit from the previous night's patrons off the sidewalk. I know many people would be surprised to see she was really blond, but the National Enquirer did not return my calls so I can't think it is that bizarre.










This is the famous Cafe Du Monde, which is french for "where the hell did all these cockroaches come from???". Note all the people who are obsessed with beignets and chicory coffee sitting in the outdoors section on a rain soaked afternoon, oblivious to the cockroach infestation that is occurring in the main building. Okay, I only saw one crawling up the wall earlier in the day, but where there is one, there is the population of a small city waiting to emerge!!!





And finally, I thing this door sign that Melody spotted in a quaint corner of the French Quarter really captured the essence of New Orleans. Viva la vie!!!!

Off Off Off Broadway

Dear Congressman,

Glad to hear you are on break so you do not have to sneak out the back of the Capitol Building for a quick smoke, as you can now just plunk down in your humble abode and puff away.

For your entertainment, I did some research on the upcoming Broadway season in New York. It appears that besides the main theaters and the off Broadway shows, there is now a new arena for shows that big producers turned down but the littler backers are willing to give some dosh. You probably will not see any advertising for these shows due their limited budgets, but here are the ones I found out about so far.

Sophie's Choice
A musical comedy based on the book by William Styron, have a grand evening as you, Stingo, Nathan and Sophie interact while slurring their words to everyone's amusement. Laughter continues with the audience participation act, where you get to choose for Sophie which child lives or dies, and then based on their reactions to her retelling of the tale, you decide who commits suicide in the final act.

Chuck Norris, the Musical
The producers claim this show is so entertaining that it will leave you in stitches. From what the script outlays, this is probably the case as the show involves cast members randomly roaming the audience and beat the crap out of any spectator who looks like they need a good ass-kicking. Songs adapted for the extravaganza include the Carl Douglas 70's classic "Kung Fu Fighting" and Kid Rock's anthem "American Bad Ass".

Cherry Pie
Break out the spandex and hair crimper as 80's metal takes it's turn on the stages of New York. Take a stroll down memory lane to the days of Reagan and Thatcher as actors accurately portray the decadence of drug use, womanizing, and general debauchery that was the Metal Era. You'll laugh... you'll cry... you'll wonder how many venereal diseases the band member contracted.

Michael
Can't get enough of Michael Jackson? Well neither can his other fans, or his family's deep love and respect of his world renowned name, as Jackson Productions presents the spectacular "Michael, the Jackson Family officially authorized Tribute to the Greatest Entertainer Ever". A guaranteed dandy of a show with the commitment from the Jacksons that at least one family member will be in the cast every night of the production. Also, two lucky fans per night who cough up the $35 for the official "Michael, the Jackson Family officially authorized Tribute to the Greatest Entertainer Ever" programme will be delirious to discover that Michael's father, Joe Jackson, has had his assistant personally sign them!!!

Scenes around town...

Dear Congressman,

I was bored last weekend and decided to take a few pictures around town with my digital camera. I thought I would share several of them with you. (kudos to atom.smasher.org for the templates!)

Another story for Thursday

Dear Congressman,

Today I thought it might be a nice for you to hear another story from my past for your entertainment.

In the spring of 1978 I was attending the American Community School of Wimbledon. ACS-Wimbledon was a part of a "for-profit" group that started American curriculum schools in the London area to service the overflow of students from ASL (American School of London). Since ASL was at full capacity at that time, I attended the Wimbledon school for the second half of my freshman year. It was a nice building on a street called Parkside, directly across the street from Wimbledon Common.

At the time I lived about 50 miles to the south in Horsham, West Sussex. To get to class everyday, I had walk to about a mile or so to Horsham station, take a British Rail train up to Wimbledon, and then finish my journey by walking the mile or so from Wimbledon station to the school. To go home was a reverse of the above trip.

But I digress...

This tale is about a ride home to Horsham one sunny afternoon. I caught the train at my usual stop, and since Horsham was a small town the train was an "all stops to" train as opposed to an express that zipped point to point with out bothering to pick up any additional paying passengers along the way.

It was in April, so the temperature outside was in the high 50's. The train was full until we reached Epsom Downs, at which point most people got off. I was sitting alone, reading a homework assignment to make the time go by quicker, and the only other passenger was a young lady in school uniform who was sitting facing toward me several rows ahead.

We were just pulling out of Ashtead station when another person got on the train. I clearly remember him as he had very long black hair that was straight and shiny. From this trait combined with his complexion, I would have to say that he was of American Indian descent, which immediately struck me as strange since I was sitting on a southbound British rail train in the suburbs of London.

But I was wrong. That was not the strange part....

As the train pulled away, he did not sit in one of the many available empty seats, but stood near the rows of seats facing toward me but just in front of where the young girl was sitting. Without speaking a word, he reached into the breast pocket of the shirt he was wearing and pulled out a deck of cards. He then proceeded to remove cards from the deck one-by-one, stare at them for a second or so, and then fling them forward like he was trying to hit some invisible target. The look on his face was not threatening or maniacal, just a blank stare as he worked his way through the deck.

This activity went on for a good six minutes as we traveled between Ashtead and Leatherhead stations. Once we pulled into Leatherhead and came to a stop, he put the remaining cards back into his pocket, walked quickly to the nearest exit, and proceeded to get off the train.

After he had left, the young girl and I exchanged the same “did we just see what we thought we saw” glances, but the twenty or so playing cards remaining on the floor of the train carriage he had left behind proved testament to what we had just observed. We then went back to our individual reading materials and gave the matter no more thought that day.

To this day I wonder who the heck this guy was and what the heck he was doing. I always thought that maybe I caught him on a good day, before he went into a rage and slaughtered everyone at the pub the next night, but that was the one and only time I ever saw this individual.

As I am fond of saying, "it takes all kinds...".

For your love....

Dear Congressman,

It appears that Jesse James, like Tiger Woods before him, is headed for "treatment" for his "problem". This is the latest trend for the adulterous American husband; to enter a clinic to find out the reason why they have a compulsion to copulate with any female who happens to glance in their direction.

For the record, I will note that rather than calling it "sex therapy", the correct term for this treatment would be better labeled as "monogamy training", as I doubt the wish of the meandering party's significant other is that they become asexual and join a cult, but to focus their libido driven urges on the person they so dutifully marched down the aisle with in the first place.

When a person makes a lifelong commitment to another and then goes out and has a fling with yet another, it is considered a sin by most religions, an act of betrayal by their spouse, and a display of low moral fiber by their peers. But what should it be called when you never even took a second to remember your wedding vows? Sleeping with as many girls as possible after you are married is not a mistake, it is a character flaw.

Take for example: "I think my wife searched my phone, so please remove your name from your phone... can you do that for me? Thanks, this is Tiger...huge...."

Really! You think this is a good idea? It might have worked out for you if there was a single mistress that you were spending all your waking hours outside of the PGA tour, but what were you going to do about the other hundred or so single females you were stringing along? I think something along these lines might have been a more appropriate message:

"Hi, it's Tiger, listen up because this is important. I think my wife might be on to us... so if you are someone I regularly stoink in the Eastern time zone, please press one for further instructions. For the West Coast press two. For anywhere in between, press three. If you are a casual friend that I have only done the deed with once or twice, please leave a message so I can attempt to get you into the regular rotation....... BEEP.....

And as for Jesse, I don't think Sandra is going to run right out and get a bunch of tattoos anytime soon, so if that is your thing, then maybe you need to have them tattooed on your eyeballs so then everyone will have a tattoo and you will no longer feel like you are missing out on something...

Or not....