A story for Thursday

Dear Congressman,

Today I wanted to relay a story that I told my granddaughter over the weekend. It is not an adventure filled saga, or one that many would find particularly interesting, but for some reason I felt a need to tell it.

In September of 2003, my wife and I went to a reunion of high school friends from my days in London, England. As the reunion was in Ottawa, we decided to spend some time in Niagara Falls and Toronto before descending on Ottawa with the rest of the attendees.

This event happened in Toronto, early on a sunny Sunday morning. We were staying up on Bloor Street after getting a good weekend rate at the Hilton. Our weekend involved wandering around the streets of Toronto and exploring the ambiance of the city. This particular morning we walked down Younge Street toward the lake and stopped at that bastion of American cuisine, McDonalds, for a quick breakfast. Not that the Hilton did not have a fine breakfast buffet in their own restaurant, but at $30 Canadian each for the privilege of nibbling on their fare, we opted to spend our dollars elsewhere.

It was about 8:00am when we went for breakfast, so there was only a scattering of people at the McDonalds when we approached from the hotel. As we entered, there was a lady standing outside of the building silently talking to herself. Her appearance was that of a street person, with generous layers of clothing to fight off the evening chill, but with muted colors so as not to stand out too much. I perceived her to be fairly young, in her twenties, but the age of the homeless is hard to gauge, as she had adapted that timelessness that comes with limited options in life.

We entered the McDonalds, leaving her standing outside, still talking to herself quietly while scanning the street for threats both imaginary and real. There was a short line at the ordering counter which went quickly, and we settled down in one of the hard plastic booths to eat our breakfast and drink our coffee.

As we sat eating, a young gentleman walked away quickly from the counter after he had bought two breakfast sandwiches. He had taken one out of the bag, unwrapped it, and taken a bite all before reaching the front door of the store. As he exited, without breaking stride, he reached into the bag and held the other breakfast sandwich out to the young lady we saw earlier. She took the sandwich from him and just stared at his back as he continued up the street consuming the sandwich he kept.

At this point a subtle change came over our friend. It was not a quantum shift, like a mood swing, but she quit talking to herself and ended the constant rearguard action of scanning the surrounding area for the evil forces that lurked nearby. She held the breakfast sandwich in her hand for a minute, slowly peeling back the yellow paper covering to see what it contained. After examining the item fully, she carefully re-wrapped it so it's appearance was that of one newly served.

Our young lady then looked up and walked briskly into the store, holding her entry pass in front of her in her right hand as she headed for the condiment table. Once there she perused the contents, collecting several napkins, packets of salt and some of pepper, and several ketchup and mustard packages. Once her bounty had been collected, she found a table in the center of the near-empty McDonalds.

We were still finishing our breakfast, so I observed her from the short distance that separated us. She had used the salt and pepper on the sandwich, but had pocketed the other condiments for later consumption. Under the yellow wrapper, she had neatly arranged the brown generic napkins into a form of tablecloth. Her head was now held higher, as if she had been magically empowered by the sandwich. She ate it slowly, taking small bites and chewing thoroughly, like an unseen relative was judging her table manners as she engaged in the morning repast that had unfolded before her.

I was still sipping coffee when she finished. She placed the napkins and used condiment packets into the yellow wrapper before wadding it up into a small ball. Arising from the chair, she walked quickly by the trash receptacle, dropped the bundle inside and shuffled back to her spot adjacent to the front door of the McDonalds to continue her vigil. We left soon after to continue our day of exploring, and I was tempted to slip her some money as we walked past her. But for some reason I chose not to do so.

I wonder to this day if I had witnessed a ritual that occurred on a regular basis, or if this was a one off opportunity that the young lady took as an opportunity to dine inside. We passed by there later in the day, however she was gone by that point, off to stand guard in another of Toronto's many boulevards.

TSA trauma

Dear Congressman,

There has been a lot of controversy over the new full body scanners that airport security agencies are now adapting since the attempted Christmas Day bombing. Critics of the new scanners, specifically the ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union), refer to this process as a "virtual strip search".

Since the scanners provide a front and back image of all passenger's bodies that pass through the scanner, the Transportation Security Administration will be able to see through clothing and determine if anyone is trying to board a plane with 2lbs of explosives attached to their groin.

Per the TSA, they have taken steps to protect privacy, including the blurring of all faces, personnel inspecting the screening will not have direct contact with passengers, and assertions that the images are deleted soon after they are reviewed.

This is all well and good, but I personally have a serious concern regarding the implementation of this new technology.

My concern is obvious. It is about the TSA screeners who will spend at least 30 hours a week viewing these images looking for threats to the US transportation system. For reference to what I am referring, take an hour this weekend and drive to your local Wal-Mart. Grab a shopping cart and circle the store a few times. Try to imagine seeing all of the people you pass in the aisles naked.

I think you see my point here. Within a short period of time, all of these screeners will begin to develop a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from having to constantly look at screen shots of an obese general public that passes through their particular airport.

Sure, they might smile once in a while at the occasional Apollo or Aphrodite as they across their screen, but the majority of images will be of people who only know "curls" from the Arby's menu and believe it is exercise to get out of the Lazy-Boy to get another beer during commercials. The "yards of lard" that they will be expected to examine on a daily basis will become a vision that they can not shake. It will cause sleepless nights due to fears of dreaming of raging lipids and then general anxiety every workday morning when they realize that they must again examine screen shots of endless overweight individuals while trying to identify potential contraband almost completely masked by massive gelatinous fat layers.

That, my friends, is not a job I would wish on anyone.....

The fees....the fees..... the fees...

Dear Congressman,

By the end of this month, credit card companies will be regulated by new guidelines established by you and your co-workers during last year's sessions of Congress. Since these companies are going to be limited in some of their previous practices that generated much of their profits, they have begun to announce a whole new set of fees that will allow them to pad their bottom lines with additional profits courtesy of the taxpayers.

Examples include one bank charging an "inactivity fee" of $19 if you do not use your card in a 12 month period. Another more drastic fee is a $60 annual fee if card holders charge less than $2,400 a year, as rolled out by one of our wonderful Fortune 100 bailed-out financial institutions. So don't forget to charge that $200 per month to avoid that fee!

But as the need for fees drives on, I believe that banks and processing companies will only get more aggressive when it comes to this topic. Here are some ideas for them to ponder.

Early internet payment fee - Yes, it is a real hassle for the banks when you pay your credit card too early, as they have to go to the trouble of applying your payment outside of their "planned window", thus clogging up their administrative infrastructure.To fix this irritating problem, banks will designate a 30 minute period on a monthly basis when you can pay your bill online. If you miss this window, it's a $39 fee. Typically, for everyone's convenience, the window will be open between 3:30am-4:00am Eastern Standard Time on the first Sunday of the month.

Call center fee - Yup, those fine folks over in India have to eat as well, so the major banks will be instituting a fee for every time you feel the need to call the 1-800 number on the back of your card. No a lot of money, just a simple $5 connection fee and then 35 cents a minute after that, conveniently billed directly to your card!

Bonus administration recovery fee - Every year the banks issue their bonus checks, and then the majority of the payroll staff quit in disgust when they see insane amount of money the top 10% of employees are paying themselves, while they are trying to get by on an annual salary that is less than an average executive team member's monthly expense allowance. Thus, the bank incur an ongoing irritation of having to constantly hire menial payroll staff to process their grotesquely large annual payouts. A consultant was hired by a number of banks to address this problem and recommended that they forgo a small portion of their bonuses to placate the disgruntled employees by sharing it with them. The banks thanked the consultants for their hard work, escorted them the door, and then proceeded to institute this fee on cardholders to offset the additional costs of continuously hiring new payroll department employees on an on-going basis.

BWC fees - If you read your credit card statement it will say the following: BWC fees are levied on all customers of XXX bank as per outlined in the cardholder agreement dated January 31, 2010. BWC fees are calculated as 0.01% of all outstanding balances on a 28 day cycle, and billed in arrears. If you pay your balance in full each month, then your BWC fees will not be billed in the ensuing month's activity, provided that BWC waiver conditions are met. BWC waiver conditions require that once during the 28 billing period that the BWC fees are accrued, a verified 1/4 inch or more of snowfall is recorded in an area commonly defined as the Sahara Desert. (if you read far enough into the fine print, you will find the BWC stands for : "Because We Can")

Nature's Way

Dear Congressman,

Hopefully you are hunkered down somewhere in DC riding out the same weather system that is currently distributing copious amounts of frozen precipitation over your constituents. It was all rain in the metro area for the majority of the day before being a cold front redefined the rules of weather and brought the white death to our door steps.

So in honor of this moment, I scratched out another boring poem.

Try to stay awake this time....

I open the door to study the night
and the cold hits me hard ... and soft
as the silent way of nature's path
carves a loud scar in the sky

I try to suck it all in
the wet and the cold and the stillness and the calm
but the dryness and heat and the noise and activity
relieve me of my need for civility

So I scream at the heavens
and venture into the white
with little to lose
and much to invite

My senses excited
but my mind in a blur
I approach life decisions
to again just defer

the choices, elections, desires and craves
upon which existence sits still and behaves

I envision sherry and too many mince pies
I dream of a peacefulness not entangled with lies

I see war not declared
and peace run abounds

I hear words of sincerity
and ignore threats of despair

but my abode yonder beckons
to bring me inside
to relieve my anxieties
and restore my tattered pride

the door is now closing
the silent disappears
the path of nature's way
has now become clear

Live from Capitol Hill

Dear Congressman,

Sorry I have been remiss in updating you regularly via this blog, however I have been fairly busy recently with mundane but necessary life events. In fact, my main de-blogging factor has been paperwork, and lots of it.

But I digress...

Today I thought I would present missing transcripts from a Senate hearing the other day about the attempted Christmas bombing.

Sound of gavel banging

Senator Blouhard : This session will come to order. First victim...errr... witness will be acting head of the Transportation Security Administration, Dr. Michael Searcher. Please swear in the witness...

Mumbling and hands on a bible take place.

Senator Blouhard : Would anyone like to make an opening statement?

All Senators raise their hands and start talking at the same time.

Senator Blouhard : Eh... well, given our limited amount of time available due to prior commitments of the committee members, lets just get right to the questioning. Senator Vaine?

Senator Vaine: (staring right into the camera) Yes, Dr. Searcher, what exactly were you doing, other than not doing your job, when this man attempted to blow up this plane?

Dr. Searcher : Senator, as it was Christmas day, I spent most of the day with my family, except in the evening, when I went to an event at....

Senator Vaine : So let me get this straight, while terrorists were putting in place a plan to destroy the transportation infrastructure of these United States of America, you were gaily attending a wild party, drinking and cavorting with others and ignoring the threats against our beloved nation.

Dr. Searcher : Yes, Senator, in fact I remember seeing you there, since it was at your house and you personally had invited me.

Senator Vaine : Please let the record show that the acting director freely admitted to abandoning his duties. Thank you chairperson, I am done with this witness.

Senator Blouhard : The chair recognizes Senator Hogg.

Senator Hogg : So Dr Searcher, how long have you been drinking on the job?

Dr. Searcher : (Bewildered look) Excuse me, Senator? I don't ever remember drinking while working.

Senator Hogg : So you are telling me that you consume so much alcohol on a regular basis that you can't even remember doing it???? (stated loudly into the microphone for effect)

Dr. Searcher : That is not what I meant.

Senator Hogg : So you do sometimes remember you are at your desk even though you are completely soused?

Dr. Searcher : Senator, you are twisting my words.

Senator Hogg : Let the record show that the witness refused to answer the question.

Senator Blouhard : Thank you for that incite, Senator Hogg. The chair now recognizes Senator Egomon.

Senator Egomon : Let me say for the record, sir, that I am disgusted by your very presence. How do you live with yourself, sir, when helpless people could have been killed needlessly on that airplane on Christmas day, all because of your affinity for alcohol and love of the nightlife. If anyone lost their life that night, it would have been on your head, and I would have done everything in my power to make sure that you would have prosecuted to the full extent of the law, up to and including your execution, which I would have gladly attended and watched while they strap you up to Old Sparky and run 1.1 jigawatts through your worthless torso!!!!!

Dr. Searcher stares blankly with his mouth wide open. He turns to his counsel next to him. His counsel leans forward to the microphone.

Dr. Searcher's attorney : Does the Senator have an actual question for the witness?

Senator Egomon :Yes, I do. Dr. Searcher, since you have obviously failed miserably at your one main appointed task of preventing terrorist from attempting to kill innocent Americans, why should we not just have the District of Columbia police department come over to your offices, beat you senseless with nightsticks as you fully deserve, and throw you out onto the front lawn of the TSA administrative building so the American public can pummel you as well?

Dr. Searcher continues to stare at Senator Egomon without responding. He again turns to counsel.

Dr. Searcher's attorney :Dr. Searcher elects to invoke his fifth amendment rights at this time.

Dr. Searcher now stares at his attorney in disbelief. Flashbulbs are going off and loud background noise rises from the gallery as Senator Blouhard bangs his gavel and tries to maintain order.

END OF TRANSCRIPT...

I will to do ended

Dear Congressman,

I must confess that I am deeply worried about the state of our school systems here in the USA. Not even taking into account the destruction of grammar and spelling that is unleashed by the universe of texting, even everyday correspondences are corrupted by an inability to string together a single sentence or phrase.

For example, the following email from a well meaning but poorly educated citizen showed up in my work email box this weekend.

"Dear Sir.

Since accept order ribbons via e-mail. I express heartfelt to thanks. Because, The original e-mail address XXXXXXXXXnet.net contact To connection and delivery had problems. I will to do ended use that.

We had attached other e-mail address xxx.ribbons@xxx.xxxxx.net and cccccc.xxxx,net and xxxxxxx@so-net.xxx.tw accept order ribbons. Also, Attached my website http://www.xxxxxxxx.xxx.tw visit that please.

I hope so forever to do service for you and attached new order form.

Thank you very much!"

Not wanting to past up a possible new client, I took the time to respond.

Dear xxxxxxx@so-net.xxx.tw,

I received your correspondence dated December 6, 2009. I was pleased for yourself and your prospective business that you had corrected your IT problems and were now able to accept orders going forward. However, I would be amiss if I did not point out a few problems with your email.

1. When composing business transmittals, it is deemed proper not to be drunk when writing it. I can only assume from your inability to form a single intelligible sentence that you were on the tail end of a four day bender that did not involve any sleep.

2. In most cases, ribbons are only worn by decorated veterans or pre-teen school children who have won a track and field event. I have to ask if you have taken any time to perform any analysis to see who your market demographic might be? I thought about this for a good 15 or 20 seconds and could not come up with a target audience for your "ribbons", unless you plan on starting a new fashion trend where anorextic supermodels strut the fashion runways of the world wearing nothing but multicolored ribbons and skimpy underwear.

3. With a "tw" ending to your website, that might explain your apparent drunkenness. I have to assume you have branched out to Taiwan? In that case, may I advise that next time you have one of your English speaking staff compose your business emails, rather than your business partner's son-in-law. I am sure he convinced you that he was fluent in English after your business partner's daughter begged the two of you to hire him, but, to be blunt, his ability to speak English is closer to Donald Duck then Mickey Mouse.

Again, thanks for your business offer. However, as has happened previously, when I attempted to visit your website, my computer (and the FAA computer system in Utah, for that matter) crashed quicker than a bus full of nuns on a wet road. So, see what you can do to fix that, as causing major flight delays all over the United States will not look good on my next job application.

Go bust and die trying....

Dear Congressman,

As an accountant, I occasionally get questions about whether or not it is worthwhile to buy stock of a company that has declared bankruptcy. It appears it is very tempting to individual investors when the shares of a once proud mega-giant of American industry is trading on the stock exchanges for (usually) less than a buck a share.

Which leads to my usual response.

There is a reason that it is trading for less than a buck a share. It is worthless. Zero, nil, null, nada, nothing, zip.....

Let me see if I can explain.

As a stockholder, think of yourself as standing at the edge of a cliff. Directly in front of you are unsecured creditors, with secured creditors (think bondholders and banks here) standing in front of them.

Companies can generally file two types of bankruptcy in the USA. So we have two scenarios to cover.

First is the dreaded Chapter 7, which means the company does not see any chance of recovery and is going to sell it's assets to pay off as much as it owes as possible. In this case, the attorneys for the company basically push everyone off the cliff. The people who land on top of the others will generally be uninjured and walk away with out taking a hit. This would be the bankers and the bondholders. The next layer of people would be injured in some way but still survive to fight another day. You however, the stockholder, are either killed when you hit the ground or crushed to death when everyone falls on you. You get nothing and like it....

Second is a little thing call Chapter 11. In this case, the company decides it can not possibly pay all its bills on time but thinks they can become profitable again, if only they can call time out, ditch some of there past mistakes, and then move forward like nothing happened. For a Chapter 11, the attorneys don't push everyone as hard as they do in a Chapter 7, thus the only ones who fall off the cliff are the stockholders, as their capital in the company is redistributed to everyone else in front of them. Thus, after the shove, some of the unsecured creditors and other debtors are given company stock in lieu of their prior claim, so after the dust has settled there is a whole new set of stockholders standing at the edge of the cliff. Again, lying dead at the bottom of the cliff, you get nothing and again like it....

So why do shares trade for pennies when they are in fact worthless. Guess what folks... it's basically like playing musical chairs, only at the end of the game they remove all the chairs....