I do, Houston ....over...

Dear Congressman,

It appears some of our fellow Americans are so obsessed with space travel that they can't carry out one of the biggest events in their lives without including some aspect of it.

So here's to Noah Fulmor and Erin Finnegan. Last month they decided that since they had both wanted to be astronauts since they were little that they would get married in an aircraft configured to simulate zero gravity. They even had a former astronaut, Richard Garriot, perform the 8 minute ceremony that occurred in 30 second segments, necessitated by the parabolic arc maneuver the plane had to fly to create a zero gravity simulation.

Whereas I commend Noah and Erin for their creativity and energy in performing such a marriage, I have to give them negative marks for the commitment to the comfort of their wedding guests.

In case you are unfamiliar with this type of flight, the plane used by NASA for zero gravity training is lovingly referred to as the "vomit comet". Zero gravity might be fun, but many people suffer from that wonderful sensation of motion sickness when subjected to zero gravity, sometimes quite quickly and quite violently.

So hopefully all the wedding guests were briefed ahead of time, as this might have been the first wedding in history that when the congregation is asked if there is anyone who has reason why the couple should not be married, the consensus response is mass regurgitation.

Oh yeah... I would be real careful with that first kiss too.....

Bothersome things

Dear Congressman,

Today we are going to discuss things that get on my nerves. I realize this is not high on your list of priorities or concerns, but since this is my forum and you and your staff can quit reading anytime you want (kinda like the smoking thing, only different), then I am going to pursue this topic for today.

Today's list of bothersome things:

1. When leaving the dentist this morning, one of your constituents was of the opinion that it is acceptable behavior to operate their SUV within six inches of my rear bumper while traveling at speeds of approximately 35mph. This is not acceptable behavior and needs to stop. At your earliest convenience, please have an available staff member call the lady in question and remind her that driving is a privilege, not a right, and that her particular attempt at vehicular operations management is questionable at best...

2. When AARP runs their commercials during the evening news pimping their latest lame medicare-add on package in partnership with some big multi-billion dollar HMO, please ask them to refrain from stating in their sales pitch :
"from AARP, a name you trust"
This clever little play on words might work on some retirees with bad hearing aids and in the early stages of dementia, but the average American is going to start mistrusting AARP if they continue to pimp their "trustworthyness" too overtly in their attempts to fill their coffers with your money.

3. I have already discussed the "Breaking News" issue in a previous posting. Just fix it, please!

And lastly

4. Under no conditions should the Shamwow guy, Vince Shlomi, take over the mantle of "lead infomercial pitch guy" from the recently deceased Billy Mayes. Billy might have been somewhat irratating with that semi-shouting voice that compelled you to buy cleaning products you did not know you needed, but Vince is just not right for the part, as the prostitute he is alledged to have had a fistfight would be willing to attest.

How to turn $1.40 into 43 cents

Dear Congressman,

It appears AIG has even more magic up it derivative riddled sleeve as they have again demonstrated to the financial world their keen insight into how market capitalization works.

Due to problems AIG encountered by overextending their risk portfolio in credit default swaps and subsequent dilution of value by handing 80% of the company over to Uncle Sam for enough liquidity to survive the numerous collateral calls, their stock price was trading at a measly $1.40, with 2.6 billion shares outstanding, giving them a market value of around $3.6 billion.

With me so far?

So the geniuses at AIG say "hey, we want our share price higher, so we can start turning around the public perception that we have no idea what we are doing. "

So they decide to do a financial trick known as a reverse split, giving share holders 1 share for every 20 that they currently hold, so the equation is now changed to $28 per share with 130 million shares outstanding, giving them a market value of around $3.6 billion.

Pretty neat trick, huh?

Unfortunately for AIG, every hedge fund manager on the planet saw what they were doing and said "they are trying to create the perception of value where there is none! I sense an opportunity!!!"

So since news of the split occurred, the value of the shares have plunged like Thelma and Louise... and is now opening this morning at around $8.85.

So in 10 days, AIG's management has turned a $3.6 billion company into a $1.15 billion dollar company.

All I can say is.... well done!!!

Pourquoi????

Dear Congressman,

Today's prize goes to 84 year old Howard Manoian, an American World War II veteran of the European campaign in 1944-1945.

Mr. Manoian was awarded the Legion d'honneur for bravery for his part in the D-Day Normandy invasions for landing with the 82nd Airborne and fighting at Sainte-Mere-Eglise. There was even a plaque in his honor in the town, and Mr Manoian reveled for years about telling the stories of parachuting down as the German defenders fired at and killed many of his fellow soldiers.

Additional, Mr. Manoian was wounded in the days after D-Day, taking machine gun bullets to his left hand and both legs in battle, and then wounded again when a German plane attacked the hospital in which he was recovering.

With all this said, it never ceases to amaze me the lengths that some people will go to when trying to impress others. Kudos to the Boston Herald, who took the extra step of obtaining Mr. Manoian's military records.

Turns out Mr. Manoian served with the 33rd Chemical Decontamination Company, not the 82nd Airborne as he has claimed for many years. He did in fact land at Utah beach, but on a supply ship many days after the fighting had moved inland, thus the main danger he faced on D-Day while the 82nd was fighting for their lives was trying to reach the mess hall in Southern England early enough to get first dibs on chow before it got cold.

And the risky duties of his intrepid service to the US Army? That would be the terrifying nerve-wracking assignment of looking after a supply dump in Northern France., all the while perilously dodging tanks, jeeps and supply convoys crawling past his post on their way to the front lines, many many miles away.

As for Mr. Manoian's bullet wounds, I think he may have hit his head on a pole coming out of the latrine tent one day and lost his memory, as his service record shows the only wound he received was a broken finger while in England, accompanied by brusing on the other hand... definitely painful but not quite the same league as bullet wounds received while in combat.

So after all these years Mr. Manoian, thank you for your service during WWII, but I would not expect any more free drinks at the VW from visiting Frenchman or retired veterans. And I would not be planning any more victory laps around Sainte-Mere-Eglise next time you drop by there for the many thanks you have received but not particularly earned.

Jacko Adios

Dear Congressman,

Today is the big day in Los Angeles when Michael Joseph Jackson is laid to rest and a public memorial service is held at the Staples center with 18,000 plus mourners. I am sure you would try to make it if humanly possible, but with your demanding schedule on the hill and "mini-filliabusters" that you spontaneously performed the other day must prevent you jumping a plane and heading for the insolvent California Republic and a seat at the service.

Obviously, a lot of people were willing to overlook the child molestation allegations and trial that Mr. Jackson endured as over 1.6 million of them vied for one of the 8,700 tickets distributed on a lotto basis to people who registered on a website. LA officials are readying for an additional 100,000 people who will just "show up" and loiter outside the event.

And Michael will not even be there. It appears the family plans to have a private service prior to the big event where his mortal remains will be committed to the ground in an airtight coffin. The Staples center event will be strictly a celeb-fest of people who want to be seen as mourning the "King of Pop".

Normally I would make some sarcastic remark or exercise an opinion or two at this point, but Mr. Jackson's actions during his life and that of his extended family have just left me shaking my head with the knowledge gained from their trials and tribulations.

I think Don Henley got it right .....

"We can do the innuendo
We can dance and sing
When its said and done we havent told you a thing
We all know that crap is king
Give us dirty laundry!"

Sirens and guns, a love story....

Dear Congressman,

As you prepare to have fun in the sun at your home in Butler county I wanted to make sure you were aware that our Ohio law enforcement personnel were out there doing their best for the state. Here is a short AP story displaying one such "team"...

Police chief taped kissing in cruiser

The Associated Press

The police chief of a northeast Ohio township has retired after a video became public showing him and a female officer kissing and caressing in the front of a police cruiser while a prisoner was in the back seat.

Timothy Escola retired Tuesday night after four years with the Perry Township police department about 50 miles south of Cleveland. Law Director Charles Hall says Escola's retirement closes an internal investigation.Hall says no charges are being considered against part-time officer Janine England, who was with Escola in the cruiser June 2. Escola and England drove to the Cincinnati area to pick up a burglary suspect.

An anonymous allegation prompted an investigation last week and a review of the cruiser's dashboard camera.

The video is available on youtube.com if you are interested in a visual of this escape. Just search paste http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBElpbt0kZU into your brower or type "Perry Twp. Police Chief Escola" into the search box.

Motivation

Dear Congressman,

Thought I would review the last week for you.


This is Ed McMahon. He died last week at age 86. He constantly worked in show business but still ended up nearly losing his McMansion to foreclosure during the current crisis. Guess he forgot to put some money away for a rainy day. Likable guy though....






This is Farah Fawcett. I, like every other red blooded American teenager of the seventies, had this poster hanging on my wall. She passed away at age 62 after bravely battling anal cancer for the last four years. As my own mother died of cancer only a few months ago, I feel a deep sadness for what her family is going through at the moment.




This is Michael Jackson. He was only 50 and preparing for a series of concerts when he dropped dead of an apparent heart attack. He had a troubled life that I will not get into here, but be assured that with the movable circus that is his extended family, the drama surrounding him will continue for years to come.








This is Billy Mays, a popular infomercial/salesman who made you pay attention to the products he was selling by raising his voice to "Who concert" level decibels when emphasizing their qualities. He too was 50 years old and died of an apparent heart attack.






So, lets recap.

Ed- 86, good long life.
Farah - 62, good life but cut too short by a horrible disease.
Mike - 50, drops dead.
Billy - 50, drops dead.

I think there is a lesson here. Personally I put in over 40 miles on my bicycle this weekend and quite a bit of time doing rhythm boxing on the Wii Fit in my family room, as in four years time when I turn 50 I have no plans on joining Michael and Billy.

As for you Congressman, maybe this is a sign that the old Marlboros need to go bye-bye....