A fond farewell

Dear Ex-Congressman,

The time has finally come that we must part ways, Mr. Boehner. I have enjoyed the last several years posting my thoughts to you via this forum, however as I am now sitting within Mr. Driehaus's district within a mile of downtown Cincinnati, it is time for us to part ways.

It is nothing personal, Mr. Boehner. I realize that you are too busy to read my blog, or even to have a low level staffer start the day by checking to see if there are any updates, but I will still miss our time together, with me constantly giving you a hard time about your chain smoking, and you... well... chain smoking whenever possible.

So farewell, Congressman Boehner. It has been fun...

Regards,

Rich

PS: if for some inane reason you want to catch up with me... just go to www.boringblogfordriehaus.blogspot.com

Parental guidance suggested ...

Dear Congressman,

It appears that Abbey Sunderland, the16 year old girl who was sailing around the world on her own was rescued in the Indian Ocean after her sail boat, Wild Eyes, was de-masted in heavy seas and set adrift for several days. I think I can speak for everyone who lives in these United States that we are glad that she is safe and going to be on her way home soon.

But lets flash back to a conversation that probably took place back in 2009.

The setting is Marina Del Rey in Southern California on a warm evening in mid-October. Marianne and Laurence Sunderland are sitting by the marina drinking refreshing glasses of Snapple ice tea.

Mr. Sunderland: Wow, what a beautiful sunset!

Mrs. Sunderland: I agree, honey. It is especially beautiful today.

Mr. Sunderland: Did you see that follow up story to that run-away balloon we saw on CNN yesterday?

Mrs. Sunderland: No dear, what happened.

Mr. Sunderland: It appears that it was all a hoax, as the parents had the kid hide in the attic and then staged the whole thing.

Mrs. Sunderland: Why, that's awful! I was really frightened by the possibility that that poor child was in extreme danger in that balloon as it sailed off with him on it alone and scared. Why would they do such a thing?

Mr. Sunderland: Why else would someone do something so stupid? It was obviously about money. They were willing to manipulate their children to make money.

Mrs. Sunderland: That is terrible. What do you think will happen to them?

Mr. Sunderland: If I had my way, I would throw them in jail for a few years to teach 'em a lesson.

Mrs. Sunderland: Larry, you're not thinking about the children. You would have them spend their formative years without their parents around?

Mr. Sunderland: Your right, Mar, that would be unfair on those kids. It isn't their fault their parents care more about money then their personal well-being.

Mrs. Sunderland: It is terrible what some parents will do to their children for fame and fortune.

Mr. Sunderland: Agreed, there ought to be a law.

Mrs. Sunderland: By the way Dear, it is Abby's sixteenth birthday in a few days. What do you think we should get her for her sweet sixteen?

Both smile at each other and stare into the distance as the sun sets into the Pacific Ocean.

Pending Apocolypse

Dear Congressman,

I could not help but notice several stories from the news that renews my theory that the end of days is nigh...

1. In your very district on Monday night, the Big Butter Jesus statue outside of the Solid Rock Church took a lightning strike at about 11:30pm during a fierce thunderstorm and was converted into the "Big Steel Frame that once was Big Butter Jesus" within the hour or two it took for the whole thing to burn to a crisp. I knew that it was an apocalyptic type of thunderstorm because I was asleep about 10 miles south in my humble abode when the very same storm woke me up. The good news is that the statue was insured, so there should be a return of Big Butter Jesus within a few months. But I have to ask, how come the lightning bolt struck the Church and not the Hustler Bookstore on the other side of the freeway? I mean, if there was ever a place a group of Christians would pray to be hit by lightning, it would be Larry Flynt's porn palace.

2. Then I saw this one hit the wire later in the day:

By AP / June 15, 2010Monterey, California.

Authorities say California artist Thomas Kinkade spent a night in jail after being arrested on suspicion of drunken driving.

California Highway Patrol officials said Monday that Kinkade was pulled over outside Carmel and arrested by a CHP officer just after 10 p.m. Friday

CHP Officer Robert Lehman says the 52-year-old Kinkade was booked into the Monterey County Jail on suspicion of misdemeanor drunken driving. He was released Saturday morning.

Kinkade is famous for his paintings of cottages, country gardens and churches in dewy morning light.

The Thomas Kinkade Co. said in a statement it was reviewing the allegation.

The company noted it wasn't speaking on behalf of the artist, and said Kinkade has been advised by his lawyer not to comment.

I remember seeing a special on 60 minutes about Kinkade, who whips out pieces of art at the same pace that Little Debbies produces creme pies. He produces editions of over 7500 for most of his works, and doesn't sign them individually, but has a "DNA signature" attached to prove it is one of his works. He is considered the "master of light", and has a HUGE following among his collectors. Also, he is big with fundamentalist circles and aligns himself with the religious right in America. Thus, another sign of the pending apocalypse.

As for my opinion of Mr. Kinkade's art, I feel "master of light" is a little dramatic for his works. When I look at them, it reminds me of what the critic said about Ralph Vaughn William's 3rd Symphony when he first listened to it.

"It reminds me of a cow staring over a fence."

As the forum turns...

Dear Congressman,

I would have to think with all your time being taken up by lobbyists, deal-making, committee meetings, votes on the floor of the House, phone calls to the wobbling members of the party, and the occasional smoke break, that you rarely get time to sit down and "surf the web", so to speak.

Between you and I, I wouldn't worry too much, as you are not missing a lot.

For example, if you visit any unmonitored message board, you are very likely to see some variation of the following:


THE PUPPY FORUM
Welcome to the puppy dog discussion group. Feel free to post and discuss your love of all things puppy. Enjoy!

costofataco: Wow, I am the first person to post here... kewl!!!!

Dogboy: just wanted to say hi to everyone here as i just got my first puppy from the store yeserday and really happy wit it it likes to pee on the flur to much but i supose thats naturel her name is Maxy and is a poodle-rotweiler mix hope to here from all of you soon....

Catpig: A forum devoted to dogs... lame stuff... cats rule!!!!

Doggirl: Dogboy, glad to here you really like your new puppy. Im thinking bout getting one too but I am not allowed pets in my apartment. oh well

Poochfan: Catpig take your anti-dog attitude somewhere else, you troll

Dogboy: thanx doggirl sorry you can't get a puppy right now but I will keep you in my prayers for a puppy in the futare

Onepostandgone: Hi puppy fans, I found a great sight and you should see if for yourself asit changed my life www.girls&guyswhowilldoanythingformoney.com , see you there!

Catpig: just because cats are better than stinky ass dogs does not make me a troll, poochfan I can post here if I like and you can go back to your mobile home and have carnal knowledge with your dogs to your hearts desire...

Doggirl: you are sweet dogboy is your puppy growing alot? sounds like an interesting mix .. is it going to be a big or small dog when it grows up?? I think the paw size has somethin to do with it

Catzsuk: CATPIG GO AWAY YOU LAME A@#($ M%@)@F*@)%^^ U SUCK!!!!!

Nomymutz: dogboy, you are a liar, as there is no way that a poodle and rottweiler inter-bred with each other, as the physiology of these particular species would make this match incompatable.... nice try...

Dogboy: nomymutz... thats wot the person I buyed Maxie from told me, so don call me a liar...

Catpig: nice, Catzsuk, cute name too, did you get a weekend pass to use the computer at the library, or do they have internet in the nuthouse now?

Doggirl: it's getting too nasty in here

Poochfan: you think u are so smart catpig, but you are just another basher like all the others

Onepostandgone: Hi puppy fans, I found a great sight and you should see if for yourself asit changed my life www.makemoneyinavandownbytheriver.com , see you there!

Queen City quiz....

Dear Congressman,

As I get closer to my move to urban Cincinnati, I wanted to share with you one of those silly internet lists that help distinguish whether you are a Cincinnatian or not....

Life in Cincinnati

You know you lived in Cincinnati if...

You know who the first pro baseball team was. (1869)

You call it 'pop' not soda or a soft drink.

You could take a picnic basket to Coney Island leave it on a table and
it was still there at lunch time.

You asked for a beer and it was brewed in Cincinnati.

You know 'Paul Baby's' last name was Dixon."

You watched "Hattie the Witch" featuring Larry Smith and his
Puppets every afternoon.

You remember the "Wild Mouse" at Coney Island.

Christmas wasn't complete until you went downtown to the CG&E
building and saw the model trains.

We don't say, Y'all, we say 'you guys' and that includes the women too

You know that Kahn's is "the wiener the world awaited."

You know who said "This is the old left-hander rounding third and
headed for home".

And you know who said "and this one belongs to the Reds"

You shopped 'downtown' at Shillitos, Pogues and McAlpins and for
special things Mabley and Carew.

You know who the Cool Ghoul was

You recognize the name "Ezzard Charles" but don't really
know who he was (Cincinnati's only Heavyweight Boxing Champion.)

You know that pigs do fly in Cincinnati, as can be seen by the four
majestic winged pigs on the river front.

You know that the Cincinnati Airport is not even in Ohio and that the
letters CVG stand for Covington, KY.

You know who said, "I don't care
about making money....I just looooovvve to sell carpet!"

You spend every weekend in October going to a different
"Oktoberfest."

You remember when the Bengals last went to the Superbowl, and gas was
$1.09 a gallon.

You know exactly when each parish has its festival and which ones are
the best.

And you know that chili is served in Chili Parlors, not restaurants.

You "warsh" your clothes.

You go to "Cook-outs" not BBQ's.

You wear "gym shoes" not sneakers or tennis shoes.

Anytime anyone wants to know where you graduated from, you answer
without hesitation, your high school...no one cares where you went to
college.

You know how to "Save Cash With Cash."

You know the "Cross Town Shootout" is not a wild west gun fight

You take a leisurely summer drive through a suburban neighborhood and
you see a cornhole game on every block.

You know the Daniel Carter Beard bridge is called the Big Mac Bridge.

Instead of saying "what?" you say "please?"

You add an 's' to the end of grocery store names, such as
Kroger(s) and Meijer(s.)

You drive on roads that change names at the county line, such as
Loveland-Madeira, Fields-Ertel, Hamilton-Mason and Cincinnati-Dayton.

You can buy beer by driving through a drive thru pole barn, or at the
"Pony Keg."

You believe that LaRosa's is fine Italian dining, and have a Buddy
Card.

You recognize Anthony Munoz as a former NFL player not a furniture
salesman.

Your local convenient store sounds like a labor union: United Dairy
Farmers.

You believe that Pete Rose should be in the hall of fame.

You miss Marge Schott and Schottzie.

You know what brats and metts are.

You know who Skipper Ryle was.

You are at a Bob Evans Restaurant and don't think it is strange to see
someone put ketchup on their eggs.

You like Nick Clooney better than George Clooney.

You know how Jerry Springer got his start (and that you shouldn't
write a check to a prostitute.)

You think a mixed marriage is where an East-Sider marries a West-Sider or
when an Ohio person marries a Kentucky person.

The ultimate clean up

Dear Congressman,

Good to see you on the television the other day as you bashed those law-breaking Demos currently laying siege to the White House for trying to manipulate their own party. After all, manipulating and distorting the Democratic party is a Republican job...

but I digress...

Today I wanted to point out an immanent danger to American as I see it.

This is a picture from an early view of the oil well spewing into the Gulf of Mexico. Since then we have been accorded a live feed of brownish goo replacing tranquil waters of the Gulf of Mexico with unprocessed hydrocarbons. We know this must be a feed from British Petroleum, because they still haven't figured out that the eleventh of May is abbreviated 5/11/10 and not 11/05/2010. Those wacky Brits!


The second image presented for your approval is a nice map of the Gulf of Mexico. As you can see, it is a fairly large body of water, however as 36 million barrels of oil (estimated-to-date) have been unleashed into this pond, you can imagine that there is probably an oil slick the size of small third world country floating around out there. Oil has washed up on Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida so far, with a chance of it migrating to the east coast courtesy of prevailing currents. However this could be changed by an occasional fall visitor to the Gulf.




Meet our friend, the hurricane. Hurricanes usually have their debutante balls between August and October in the Gulf, as the waters of the Atlantic Ocean warm and start throwing these spinning giants at this region. So, if we have a Katrina type category 5 hurricane swing through in mid-August, not only would they have to decouple the well to unleash more oil, but if the Hurricane made landfall on the US coast between Texas & Florida it would be the first Hurricane in history that delivered devastating winds , torrential rain, and a coat of West Texas Intermediate over a 500 mile area....




Reminds me why I live in Cincinnati...

Travelin' Man

Dear Congressman,

As we approach the end of our relationship I wanted to share a photo or two of why I am leaving your constituency and moving further south.

It is about 7:00am when I took this photo. Please note that one of the reasons I have been able to stand commuting 37 miles each way for the last 6 1/2 years was mainly due to the lack of other vehicles that this photo exhibits. If I had the same commute with heavy driving conditions I would currently not be sane. This is a view of the Carrol C. Cropper Bridge that spans the Ohio River between Indiana and Kentucky.


In case you are unaware that you are traveling between state lines, Kentucky has coughed up a couple of bucks for a small blue placard greeting the visitor/tourist/potential taxpayer/speed trap victim. They were so clever they even managed to fit the name of the current governor, Steve Beshear. Don't mind the disco ball in the picture, as I borrowed my wife's car this day. If I hung something from my rear-view mirror, it would definitely something more macho, like raw meat or a grenade...


On the return trip, we cross from the "amber waves of grain" that is Indiana back to the "birthplace of aviation" that is Ohio. Notice Ohio has a slightly larger budget as their display towers over the freeway inviting you into their realm. They too have the current sitting governor, Ted Strickland, clearly displayed. (Not that you can see it in this photo, but I was busy driving at the time so cut me some slack here.) Ohio makes me proud by going one step further and adding the Lt. Governor, Lee Fisher as well.


So by the end of the month I come to the end of my commute from Fairfield to CVG on a daily basis. I will be taking the bus from my new residence, a 15 minute bus ride from downtown Cincinnati to the Airport. Thus, my totals will be as follows:

Daily: 100 minutes /74 miles
Weekly : 8.33 hrs / 370 miles
Monthly: 35 hrs / 1,554 miles
Yearly: 416.67 hrs (or 17.36 days) / 18,500 miles
Total for 6 1/2 years: 2,708.33 hrs (112.85 days) / 120,250 miles (or 4.8 times around the earth)

Not that I am complaining...