Boring Blog for Boehner

A fond farewell

2010-07-02T04:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Ex-Congressman,

The time has finally come that we must part ways, Mr. Boehner. I have enjoyed the last several years posting my thoughts to you via this forum, however as I am now sitting within Mr. Driehaus's district within a mile of downtown Cincinnati, it is time for us to part ways.

It is nothing personal, Mr. Boehner. I realize that you are too busy to read my blog, or even to have a low level staffer start the day by checking to see if there are any updates, but I will still miss our time together, with me constantly giving you a hard time about your chain smoking, and you... well... chain smoking whenever possible.

So farewell, Congressman Boehner. It has been fun...

Regards,

Rich

PS: if for some inane reason you want to catch up with me... just go to www.boringblogfordriehaus.blogspot.com

Parental guidance suggested ...

2010-06-15T16:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

It appears that Abbey Sunderland, the16 year old girl who was sailing around the world on her own was rescued in the Indian Ocean after her sail boat, Wild Eyes, was de-masted in heavy seas and set adrift for several days. I think I can speak for everyone who lives in these United States that we are glad that she is safe and going to be on her way home soon.

But lets flash back to a conversation that probably took place back in 2009.

The setting is Marina Del Rey in Southern California on a warm evening in mid-October. Marianne and Laurence Sunderland are sitting by the marina drinking refreshing glasses of Snapple ice tea.

Mr. Sunderland: Wow, what a beautiful sunset!

Mrs. Sunderland: I agree, honey. It is especially beautiful today.

Mr. Sunderland: Did you see that follow up story to that run-away balloon we saw on CNN yesterday?

Mrs. Sunderland: No dear, what happened.

Mr. Sunderland: It appears that it was all a hoax, as the parents had the kid hide in the attic and then staged the whole thing.

Mrs. Sunderland: Why, that's awful! I was really frightened by the possibility that that poor child was in extreme danger in that balloon as it sailed off with him on it alone and scared. Why would they do such a thing?

Mr. Sunderland: Why else would someone do something so stupid? It was obviously about money. They were willing to manipulate their children to make money.

Mrs. Sunderland: That is terrible. What do you think will happen to them?

Mr. Sunderland: If I had my way, I would throw them in jail for a few years to teach 'em a lesson.

Mrs. Sunderland: Larry, you're not thinking about the children. You would have them spend their formative years without their parents around?

Mr. Sunderland: Your right, Mar, that would be unfair on those kids. It isn't their fault their parents care more about money then their personal well-being.

Mrs. Sunderland: It is terrible what some parents will do to their children for fame and fortune.

Mr. Sunderland: Agreed, there ought to be a law.

Mrs. Sunderland: By the way Dear, it is Abby's sixteenth birthday in a few days. What do you think we should get her for her sweet sixteen?

Both smile at each other and stare into the distance as the sun sets into the Pacific Ocean.

Pending Apocolypse

2010-06-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I could not help but notice several stories from the news that renews my theory that the end of days is nigh...

1. In your very district on Monday night, the Big Butter Jesus statue outside of the Solid Rock Church took a lightning strike at about 11:30pm during a fierce thunderstorm and was converted into the "Big Steel Frame that once was Big Butter Jesus" within the hour or two it took for the whole thing to burn to a crisp. I knew that it was an apocalyptic type of thunderstorm because I was asleep about 10 miles south in my humble abode when the very same storm woke me up. The good news is that the statue was insured, so there should be a return of Big Butter Jesus within a few months. But I have to ask, how come the lightning bolt struck the Church and not the Hustler Bookstore on the other side of the freeway? I mean, if there was ever a place a group of Christians would pray to be hit by lightning, it would be Larry Flynt's porn palace.

2. Then I saw this one hit the wire later in the day:

By AP / June 15, 2010Monterey, California.

Authorities say California artist Thomas Kinkade spent a night in jail after being arrested on suspicion of drunken driving.

California Highway Patrol officials said Monday that Kinkade was pulled over outside Carmel and arrested by a CHP officer just after 10 p.m. Friday

CHP Officer Robert Lehman says the 52-year-old Kinkade was booked into the Monterey County Jail on suspicion of misdemeanor drunken driving. He was released Saturday morning.

Kinkade is famous for his paintings of cottages, country gardens and churches in dewy morning light.

The Thomas Kinkade Co. said in a statement it was reviewing the allegation.

The company noted it wasn't speaking on behalf of the artist, and said Kinkade has been advised by his lawyer not to comment.

I remember seeing a special on 60 minutes about Kinkade, who whips out pieces of art at the same pace that Little Debbies produces creme pies. He produces editions of over 7500 for most of his works, and doesn't sign them individually, but has a "DNA signature" attached to prove it is one of his works. He is considered the "master of light", and has a HUGE following among his collectors. Also, he is big with fundamentalist circles and aligns himself with the religious right in America. Thus, another sign of the pending apocalypse.

As for my opinion of Mr. Kinkade's art, I feel "master of light" is a little dramatic for his works. When I look at them, it reminds me of what the critic said about Ralph Vaughn William's 3rd Symphony when he first listened to it.

"It reminds me of a cow staring over a fence."

As the forum turns...

2010-06-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I would have to think with all your time being taken up by lobbyists, deal-making, committee meetings, votes on the floor of the House, phone calls to the wobbling members of the party, and the occasional smoke break, that you rarely get time to sit down and "surf the web", so to speak.

Between you and I, I wouldn't worry too much, as you are not missing a lot.

For example, if you visit any unmonitored message board, you are very likely to see some variation of the following:

THE PUPPY FORUM
Welcome to the puppy dog discussion group. Feel free to post and discuss your love of all things puppy. Enjoy!

costofataco: Wow, I am the first person to post here... kewl!!!!

Dogboy: just wanted to say hi to everyone here as i just got my first puppy from the store yeserday and really happy wit it it likes to pee on the flur to much but i supose thats naturel her name is Maxy and is a poodle-rotweiler mix hope to here from all of you soon....

Catpig: A forum devoted to dogs... lame stuff... cats rule!!!!

Doggirl: Dogboy, glad to here you really like your new puppy. Im thinking bout getting one too but I am not allowed pets in my apartment. oh well

Poochfan: Catpig take your anti-dog attitude somewhere else, you troll

Dogboy: thanx doggirl sorry you can't get a puppy right now but I will keep you in my prayers for a puppy in the futare

Onepostandgone: Hi puppy fans, I found a great sight and you should see if for yourself asit changed my life www.girls&guyswhowilldoanythingformoney.com , see you there!

Catpig: just because cats are better than stinky ass dogs does not make me a troll, poochfan I can post here if I like and you can go back to your mobile home and have carnal knowledge with your dogs to your hearts desire...

Doggirl: you are sweet dogboy is your puppy growing alot? sounds like an interesting mix .. is it going to be a big or small dog when it grows up?? I think the paw size has somethin to do with it

Catzsuk: CATPIG GO AWAY YOU LAME A@#($ M%@)@F*@)%^^ U SUCK!!!!!

Nomymutz: dogboy, you are a liar, as there is no way that a poodle and rottweiler inter-bred with each other, as the physiology of these particular species would make this match incompatable.... nice try...

Dogboy: nomymutz... thats wot the person I buyed Maxie from told me, so don call me a liar...

Catpig: nice, Catzsuk, cute name too, did you get a weekend pass to use the computer at the library, or do they have internet in the nuthouse now?

Doggirl: it's getting too nasty in here

Poochfan: you think u are so smart catpig, but you are just another basher like all the others

Onepostandgone: Hi puppy fans, I found a great sight and you should see if for yourself asit changed my life www.makemoneyinavandownbytheriver.com , see you there!

Queen City quiz....

2010-06-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

As I get closer to my move to urban Cincinnati, I wanted to share with you one of those silly internet lists that help distinguish whether you are a Cincinnatian or not....

Life in Cincinnati

You know you lived in Cincinnati if...

You know who the first pro baseball team was. (1869)

You call it 'pop' not soda or a soft drink.

You could take a picnic basket to Coney Island leave it on a table and
it was still there at lunch time.

You asked for a beer and it was brewed in Cincinnati.

You know 'Paul Baby's' last name was Dixon."

You watched "Hattie the Witch" featuring Larry Smith and his
Puppets every afternoon.

You remember the "Wild Mouse" at Coney Island.

Christmas wasn't complete until you went downtown to the CG&E
building and saw the model trains.

We don't say, Y'all, we say 'you guys' and that includes the women too

You know that Kahn's is "the wiener the world awaited."

You know who said "This is the old left-hander rounding third and
headed for home".

And you know who said "and this one belongs to the Reds"

You shopped 'downtown' at Shillitos, Pogues and McAlpins and for
special things Mabley and Carew.

You know who the Cool Ghoul was

You recognize the name "Ezzard Charles" but don't really
know who he was (Cincinnati's only Heavyweight Boxing Champion.)

You know that pigs do fly in Cincinnati, as can be seen by the four
majestic winged pigs on the river front.

You know that the Cincinnati Airport is not even in Ohio and that the
letters CVG stand for Covington, KY.

You know who said, "I don't care
about making money....I just looooovvve to sell carpet!"

You spend every weekend in October going to a different
"Oktoberfest."

You remember when the Bengals last went to the Superbowl, and gas was
$1.09 a gallon.

You know exactly when each parish has its festival and which ones are
the best.

And you know that chili is served in Chili Parlors, not restaurants.

You "warsh" your clothes.

You go to "Cook-outs" not BBQ's.

You wear "gym shoes" not sneakers or tennis shoes.

Anytime anyone wants to know where you graduated from, you answer
without hesitation, your high school...no one cares where you went to
college.

You know how to "Save Cash With Cash."

You know the "Cross Town Shootout" is not a wild west gun fight

You take a leisurely summer drive through a suburban neighborhood and
you see a cornhole game on every block.

You know the Daniel Carter Beard bridge is called the Big Mac Bridge.

Instead of saying "what?" you say "please?"

You add an 's' to the end of grocery store names, such as
Kroger(s) and Meijer(s.)

You drive on roads that change names at the county line, such as
Loveland-Madeira, Fields-Ertel, Hamilton-Mason and Cincinnati-Dayton.

You can buy beer by driving through a drive thru pole barn, or at the
"Pony Keg."

You believe that LaRosa's is fine Italian dining, and have a Buddy
Card.

You recognize Anthony Munoz as a former NFL player not a furniture
salesman.

Your local convenient store sounds like a labor union: United Dairy
Farmers.

You believe that Pete Rose should be in the hall of fame.

You miss Marge Schott and Schottzie.

You know what brats and metts are.

You know who Skipper Ryle was.

You are at a Bob Evans Restaurant and don't think it is strange to see
someone put ketchup on their eggs.

You like Nick Clooney better than George Clooney.

You know how Jerry Springer got his start (and that you shouldn't
write a check to a prostitute.)

You think a mixed marriage is where an East-Sider marries a West-Sider or
when an Ohio person marries a Kentucky person.

The ultimate clean up

2010-06-08T12:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Good to see you on the television the other day as you bashed those law-breaking Demos currently laying siege to the White House for trying to manipulate their own party. After all, manipulating and distorting the Democratic party is a Republican job...

but I digress...

Today I wanted to point out an immanent danger to American as I see it.

This is a picture from an early view of the oil well spewing into the Gulf of Mexico. Since then we have been accorded a live feed of brownish goo replacing tranquil waters of the Gulf of Mexico with unprocessed hydrocarbons. We know this must be a feed from British Petroleum, because they still haven't figured out that the eleventh of May is abbreviated 5/11/10 and not 11/05/2010. Those wacky Brits!

The second image presented for your approval is a nice map of the Gulf of Mexico. As you can see, it is a fairly large body of water, however as 36 million barrels of oil (estimated-to-date) have been unleashed into this pond, you can imagine that there is probably an oil slick the size of small third world country floating around out there. Oil has washed up on Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida so far, with a chance of it migrating to the east coast courtesy of prevailing currents. However this could be changed by an occasional fall visitor to the Gulf.

Meet our friend, the hurricane. Hurricanes usually have their debutante balls between August and October in the Gulf, as the waters of the Atlantic Ocean warm and start throwing these spinning giants at this region. So, if we have a Katrina type category 5 hurricane swing through in mid-August, not only would they have to decouple the well to unleash more oil, but if the Hurricane made landfall on the US coast between Texas & Florida it would be the first Hurricane in history that delivered devastating winds , torrential rain, and a coat of West Texas Intermediate over a 500 mile area....

Reminds me why I live in Cincinnati...

Travelin' Man

2010-06-03T03:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

As we approach the end of our relationship I wanted to share a photo or two of why I am leaving your constituency and moving further south.

It is about 7:00am when I took this photo. Please note that one of the reasons I have been able to stand commuting 37 miles each way for the last 6 1/2 years was mainly due to the lack of other vehicles that this photo exhibits. If I had the same commute with heavy driving conditions I would currently not be sane. This is a view of the Carrol C. Cropper Bridge that spans the Ohio River between Indiana and Kentucky.

In case you are unaware that you are traveling between state lines, Kentucky has coughed up a couple of bucks for a small blue placard greeting the visitor/tourist/potential taxpayer/speed trap victim. They were so clever they even managed to fit the name of the current governor, Steve Beshear. Don't mind the disco ball in the picture, as I borrowed my wife's car this day. If I hung something from my rear-view mirror, it would definitely something more macho, like raw meat or a grenade...

On the return trip, we cross from the "amber waves of grain" that is Indiana back to the "birthplace of aviation" that is Ohio. Notice Ohio has a slightly larger budget as their display towers over the freeway inviting you into their realm. They too have the current sitting governor, Ted Strickland, clearly displayed. (Not that you can see it in this photo, but I was busy driving at the time so cut me some slack here.) Ohio makes me proud by going one step further and adding the Lt. Governor, Lee Fisher as well.

So by the end of the month I come to the end of my commute from Fairfield to CVG on a daily basis. I will be taking the bus from my new residence, a 15 minute bus ride from downtown Cincinnati to the Airport. Thus, my totals will be as follows:

Daily: 100 minutes /74 miles
Weekly : 8.33 hrs / 370 miles
Monthly: 35 hrs / 1,554 miles
Yearly: 416.67 hrs (or 17.36 days) / 18,500 miles
Total for 6 1/2 years: 2,708.33 hrs (112.85 days) / 120,250 miles (or 4.8 times around the earth)

Not that I am complaining...

Expecting...

2010-05-19T16:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

As I sit here typing, Melody is watching a very educational show entitled "Inside Edition". If you ever wondered what happened to Deborah Norville after she left the network morning shows, I can testify that she seems to have landed on her feet and appears to be doing just fine.

But I digress....

One of the stories they led with on this broadcast was that John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston were expecting a baby. After tragically losing their teenage son Jett in January 2009, it was good to hear that they are still committed to each other and their family.

Then comes the irritating part...

They cut to a photo of John and Kelly taken last weekend, where Kelly was wearing a black loose-fitting dress, as they phrased it, to hide her "baby bump".

Baby bump... who came up with this lame-ass term? What the hell was so wrong with saying the words "pregnant" or "expecting" that we had to come up with baby bump. It sounds too much like speed bump to be taken seriously as a proper use of the English language.

Lets face it, it rolls off the tongue like a fur lined sandwich. Instead, why not come up with another useless but less annoying term, such as pregnancy paunch, knocked-up knot, bun-in-the-oven barrel, dead rabbit rise, up-the-duff distention, the jaggy jut, anticipation appendage, expectant excrescence, parturient protuberance, in-utero intumescence, obstetric outthrust, pre-natal protrusion, pudding club promontor, brood-mare mass, gestation gibbosity, replete roll or teeming tuberosity.

Anything but baby bump.....

Fast and easy

2010-05-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Today I would like to talk to you about trading stocks. I have been trying to understand this whole high frequency trading business. It seems to be a pretty good deal for whoever is running these programs. Remember the Dow Average crashing over 1,000 points in a matter of minutes for reasons no one can explain (or maybe cares to explain) and, for the last year or two, the market has been lurching around like Edgar Allen Poe at an open-bar wedding reception? The reason why might be high frequency trading. But rather than tackle the entire market economy in one blog entry, let's concentrate on how high frequency trading works.

This is the process as I understand it. (please note I have simplified the steps somewhat but conceptually it should be correct)

1. I put in an order to buy stock, saying the most I am willing to pay is $10.

2. The other party out there wants $9.50 to sell their shares.

3. The high frequency program will (in milli-seconds) recognize this imbalance, buy the shares for $9.50 and sell them to me for $10, pocketing the 50 cents per share difference.

How is this allowed to happen, you ask?

Money, is the correct reply. For a fee, the high frequency traders are plugged into the trading computers and reading orders before they reach everyone else. So they can read the data ahead of time and make the markets more efficient, basically by skimming off of every transaction that comes across the exchange electronically.

So now we know how Goldman and the other "too big to fail" banks out there have been making insane amounts of money over the last year without providing any goods or services to promote the welfare of the country. They have found a new way to game the system. They are not only "too big to fail", but they are also "not too proud to cheat".

Since most mutual funds and hedge funds have figured this little game out, they have started trading in "black pools", where they are not subject to the shark fins attached to an algorithmic computer program. So who is getting skinned alive and not even aware of it?

You guessed it. It is you and me, the retail investor, that is paying the bill for this shell game. If it were anyone else other than the US taxpayer/uninformed investor, this process for printing money would have been shut down ages ago.

Technically, I am incorrect in calling High Frequency traders "cheats", as they are legal and highly profitable for the exchanges that allow them. I don't think I am incorrect in calling them unfair.

Boring poetry time again..

2010-05-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Here is a quick poem on people dear to your heart:

O' plastic man of hope
Who stands tall amidst the chaos
Who wines and dines and shines and decides
Lead us please, oh please, oh please
Our anger is real and confusion is honest
Our convictions are steered and opinions swayed

But you stand tall, o' plastic man of hope
Pounding the table with your sculpted messages
Nay a hair out of place nor hint of lint
Perfect in ways and means of the heart
Appropriating with ease
Abstaining when you please
Defiantly sliding earmarks under the door on a moonless night

And now it is time for the Lobbyist's ball
which mask should you wear to this gay affair?
and with whom shall you dance to avoid making a stance?
all the while skirting the buffet table
with it's many tasty hors d'oeuvres all laid in a row
awaiting your submission to their tempting lure
be careful, o' plastic man of hope, be careful

Meanwhile, the way has become unclear
with danger abound and miscreants attempting to bringing you down
but you are solid in your stance, o' plastic man of hope
with your feet perfectly placed and arms locked in solid grip
of the magnificent crowbar you wield
separating the dollars from the sense
with simplicity and smiles for the minions who vote
as it is their dreams of the future you tenuously tote
so heavy the load carried on your well tanned back
for you always manage to do so with thoughtful stares and CSPAN teeth
well done! o plastic man of hope! well done!

The Strokes... not the band though...

2010-05-11T06:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

As you are well aware, May is national stroke prevention month. As a chain smoker, I thought it would be a good idea to relay to you that strokes are the third leading cause of death in the US and the leading cause of adult disability.

Here is a list I found of symptoms that would indicate you are potentially having a stroke.

Sudden numbness or weakness in the face, arm or leg especially on one side of the body
Confusion or trouble understanding
Trouble seeing in both eyes
Trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination
Severe headache with no known cause

Personally,. I think the signs that they give for recognizing stroke are a little vague. Lets face facts here... if you throw out the first symptom from the list, you could be accurately describing 2/3rds of the US population over the age of 50 at any one point in time during the day. In fact, based on some of the Senate hearing panels I have observed recently, this would also accurately describe many senior members of that esteemed body as well.

All kidding aside, it is probably more important that individuals who are present with someone potentially in the throes of a stroke be aware of three steps to check and see if that individual might require medical attention. These are courtesy of Jane Brice, MD, assistant professor of emergency medicine at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill School of Medicine. In a matter of home town pride, the test is referred to as CPSS, or the Cincinnati Pre-Hospital Stroke Scale. It is a three part test as follows:

"Talk, wave, smile."

1. Tell the patient, "Show me your teeth." The "smile test" is used to check for one-sided facial weakness -- a classic sign of stroke.

2.Ask the patient to close their eyes and raise their arms. Stroke patients usually cannot raise both arms to the same height, a sign of arm weakness.

3. Ask the patient to repeat a simple sentence to check for slurring of speech, which is another classic sign of stroke. "The sky is blue in Cincinnati," and "Don't cry over spilled milk." are good examples to use.

That's it. If they fail that test, get them to the emergency room and save them from potential long term disability.

To reply... or not

2010-05-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

As you know we are currently selling off some of our possessions for the big move out of your district and into Steve Driehaus's domain. I guess I will have to change the blog title at that point, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

One thing we sold was a treadmill, which I got several interested parties contacting me regarding its status. To be fair, I contacted the people in order of receipt of their emails, and (as it happened) the first person who sent an email ended up purchasing the fine piece of Chinese made electronic exercise equipment.

More interesting was this exchange.

From: Heather & Andrew
To: sale-7ekev-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Hi my name is vikke and I'm interested in the treadmill if still available please give me a call @ xxx-xxxx

http://cincinnati.craigslist.org/spo/xxxxxxxx.html

So the name in the title and the body of the email don't match. Made me a little suspicious that it might be a spammer, but didn't really know or care that much, but since I had sold the treadmill to another party, I thought it would be polite to just reply to the email and let them know it was sold.

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
Sorry Vikke, it was sold last night.
Regards, Rich

End of story. Case closed. Turn out the lights... at least I thought....

In the mailbox this morning was the following:

From: Heather & Andrew
To: devolution_9
This is not her e-mail, I'm her friend, that's why she asked you to call her. I'll pass along the message however.

Now my first instinct after reading this was to go the sarcasm route on the reply, but as I do not know Heather personally, it is possible that Andrew makes a living harming other people in the boxing ring, so as I did not want to endanger my personal well-being, I decided to just put my possible replys here. So here goes...

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
You are a true friend. How did Vikke get so lucky?

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
And here I am thinking that Vikke was the Swahili spelling of Heather... my bad...

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
Thank you for explaining the relationship between yourself and Vikke. I will sleep much better tonight knowing this.

From: devolution_9
To: Heather & Andrew
Heather, how do I know that you will really tell Vikke that she will not be hearing from me about the treadmill? I would hate to think that she spends the next few weeks waiting in vain for my call because you forgot to tell her. Think of the torment and anguish that she might go through just because you neglected to get back to her! She never gets to exercise, gains 200lbs, and leads a life of denial and self loathing all because of the treadmill she did not get. I hope you can live with yourself, Heather!

By the time I get to Phoenix ....

2010-05-04T13:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

It appears Arizona has come to the decision that the biggest problem facing these United States is not the record recession, high unemployment, or the housing bubble crisis. Nope, Arizona has pointed out that the biggest national problem is illegal immigration. Yes, those pesky Latin Americans who blatantly flaunt our laws by sneaking into Arizona, stealing purses from little old ladies in broad daylight, speaking Spanish in a completely un-American fashion, praying to a Catholic rather than Protestant God, working for wages that any red blooded American would turn their nose up at, and eating Mexican food other than that available from Taco Bell.

I apologize if I missed any stereotypical behavior, but I think I covered all the high points. So I thought I would help you in the halls of Congress by giving you a few suggestions on how to deal with this problem.

1. DNA laws of occupancy. This would be easy as DNA testing has come a long way since the days of the OJ Simpson trial. Arizona can simply pass a law stating that unless you can trace your DNA back to one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, then you are not welcome in their fine upstanding state. If you already live there, better contact a realtor and make your moving arrangements, because you are no longer welcome in Arizona. Exceptions can be made for Mayflower descendants on a case-by-case basis.

2. Internment camps for illegals. Yes, Arizona could be a real trend setter with this solution, bringing back those camps of the mid 1940s that stored our Americans of Japanese descent during World War II. In fact, all Arizona would have to do is pull out some old handbooks and fix up the old facilities, as the Poston and Gila River "War Relocation Centers", two of the largest internment camps from that era, are located inside Arizona's borders. They could even pass a law to require interned non-citizens to pay a boarding charge, thus reversing the long time flow of money from the USA and have those pesos coming north to Arizona.

Or finally,

3. Genocide. Politically incorrect but extremely expedient, Arizona can simply amend their current ruling on ID checks to stipulate that if you do not have the proper documents to prove your citizenship at all times, you are subject to immediate execution by the law enforcement official who is questioning you. This would prove another boon to the Arizona economy as ammunition and casket sales would skyrocket. Additionally, there would a corresponding boom in alcohol sales and psychiatric services for law enforcement personnel as they begin to show signs of stress from all of the killings they are duty sworn to perform for the great state of Arizona.

New Orleans Review

2010-04-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Last October I went to New Orleans to attend a software conference. This was my second time to New Orleans and I wanted to share some photos from the visit.

Here is a photo of a shop on Bourbon Street that specializes in making people do things quicker. I was kind of surprised to see that a business for promoting efficiency had so many pictures of nearly naked women on their outer walls, but maybe that is a southern thing that I just don't get.

As you are probably aware, the New Orleans Saints won Superbowl XLIV (44 for those who are Latin impaired) I am impressed by that deed as the number of beads on this bar's roof leads me to believe that the throwing arms of the Greater New Orleans area are not of a pro-bowl caliber.

I would not be normal if I did not throw in a typical vacation photo. This is Melody and I standing guard over Bourbon Street, ensuing that the intoxicated general public is safeguarded from pickpockets, entertainers covered in silver paint trying to relieve tourist of small US denomination currency, and guys named LaTournee selling non-existent time shares in Shreveport.

I think this is Chris Owens outside her club without makeup on a Thursday morning clearing the vomit from the previous night's patrons off the sidewalk. I know many people would be surprised to see she was really blond, but the National Enquirer did not return my calls so I can't think it is that bizarre.

This is the famous Cafe Du Monde, which is french for "where the hell did all these cockroaches come from???". Note all the people who are obsessed with beignets and chicory coffee sitting in the outdoors section on a rain soaked afternoon, oblivious to the cockroach infestation that is occurring in the main building. Okay, I only saw one crawling up the wall earlier in the day, but where there is one, there is the population of a small city waiting to emerge!!!

And finally, I thing this door sign that Melody spotted in a quaint corner of the French Quarter really captured the essence of New Orleans. Viva la vie!!!!

Off Off Off Broadway

2010-04-18T15:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Glad to hear you are on break so you do not have to sneak out the back of the Capitol Building for a quick smoke, as you can now just plunk down in your humble abode and puff away.

For your entertainment, I did some research on the upcoming Broadway season in New York. It appears that besides the main theaters and the off Broadway shows, there is now a new arena for shows that big producers turned down but the littler backers are willing to give some dosh. You probably will not see any advertising for these shows due their limited budgets, but here are the ones I found out about so far.

Sophie's Choice
A musical comedy based on the book by William Styron, have a grand evening as you, Stingo, Nathan and Sophie interact while slurring their words to everyone's amusement. Laughter continues with the audience participation act, where you get to choose for Sophie which child lives or dies, and then based on their reactions to her retelling of the tale, you decide who commits suicide in the final act.

Chuck Norris, the Musical
The producers claim this show is so entertaining that it will leave you in stitches. From what the script outlays, this is probably the case as the show involves cast members randomly roaming the audience and beat the crap out of any spectator who looks like they need a good ass-kicking. Songs adapted for the extravaganza include the Carl Douglas 70's classic "Kung Fu Fighting" and Kid Rock's anthem "American Bad Ass".

Cherry Pie
Break out the spandex and hair crimper as 80's metal takes it's turn on the stages of New York. Take a stroll down memory lane to the days of Reagan and Thatcher as actors accurately portray the decadence of drug use, womanizing, and general debauchery that was the Metal Era. You'll laugh... you'll cry... you'll wonder how many venereal diseases the band member contracted.

Michael
Can't get enough of Michael Jackson? Well neither can his other fans, or his family's deep love and respect of his world renowned name, as Jackson Productions presents the spectacular "Michael, the Jackson Family officially authorized Tribute to the Greatest Entertainer Ever". A guaranteed dandy of a show with the commitment from the Jacksons that at least one family member will be in the cast every night of the production. Also, two lucky fans per night who cough up the $35 for the official "Michael, the Jackson Family officially authorized Tribute to the Greatest Entertainer Ever" programme will be delirious to discover that Michael's father, Joe Jackson, has had his assistant personally sign them!!!

Scenes around town...

2010-04-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I was bored last weekend and decided to take a few pictures around town with my digital camera. I thought I would share several of them with you. (kudos to atom.smasher.org for the templates!)

Another story for Thursday

2010-04-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Today I thought it might be a nice for you to hear another story from my past for your entertainment.

In the spring of 1978 I was attending the American Community School of Wimbledon. ACS-Wimbledon was a part of a "for-profit" group that started American curriculum schools in the London area to service the overflow of students from ASL (American School of London). Since ASL was at full capacity at that time, I attended the Wimbledon school for the second half of my freshman year. It was a nice building on a street called Parkside, directly across the street from Wimbledon Common.

At the time I lived about 50 miles to the south in Horsham, West Sussex. To get to class everyday, I had walk to about a mile or so to Horsham station, take a British Rail train up to Wimbledon, and then finish my journey by walking the mile or so from Wimbledon station to the school. To go home was a reverse of the above trip.

But I digress...

This tale is about a ride home to Horsham one sunny afternoon. I caught the train at my usual stop, and since Horsham was a small town the train was an "all stops to" train as opposed to an express that zipped point to point with out bothering to pick up any additional paying passengers along the way.

It was in April, so the temperature outside was in the high 50's. The train was full until we reached Epsom Downs, at which point most people got off. I was sitting alone, reading a homework assignment to make the time go by quicker, and the only other passenger was a young lady in school uniform who was sitting facing toward me several rows ahead.

We were just pulling out of Ashtead station when another person got on the train. I clearly remember him as he had very long black hair that was straight and shiny. From this trait combined with his complexion, I would have to say that he was of American Indian descent, which immediately struck me as strange since I was sitting on a southbound British rail train in the suburbs of London.

But I was wrong. That was not the strange part....

As the train pulled away, he did not sit in one of the many available empty seats, but stood near the rows of seats facing toward me but just in front of where the young girl was sitting. Without speaking a word, he reached into the breast pocket of the shirt he was wearing and pulled out a deck of cards. He then proceeded to remove cards from the deck one-by-one, stare at them for a second or so, and then fling them forward like he was trying to hit some invisible target. The look on his face was not threatening or maniacal, just a blank stare as he worked his way through the deck.

This activity went on for a good six minutes as we traveled between Ashtead and Leatherhead stations. Once we pulled into Leatherhead and came to a stop, he put the remaining cards back into his pocket, walked quickly to the nearest exit, and proceeded to get off the train.

After he had left, the young girl and I exchanged the same “did we just see what we thought we saw” glances, but the twenty or so playing cards remaining on the floor of the train carriage he had left behind proved testament to what we had just observed. We then went back to our individual reading materials and gave the matter no more thought that day.

To this day I wonder who the heck this guy was and what the heck he was doing. I always thought that maybe I caught him on a good day, before he went into a rage and slaughtered everyone at the pub the next night, but that was the one and only time I ever saw this individual.

As I am fond of saying, "it takes all kinds...".

For your love....

2010-04-01T07:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

It appears that Jesse James, like Tiger Woods before him, is headed for "treatment" for his "problem". This is the latest trend for the adulterous American husband; to enter a clinic to find out the reason why they have a compulsion to copulate with any female who happens to glance in their direction.

For the record, I will note that rather than calling it "sex therapy", the correct term for this treatment would be better labeled as "monogamy training", as I doubt the wish of the meandering party's significant other is that they become asexual and join a cult, but to focus their libido driven urges on the person they so dutifully marched down the aisle with in the first place.

When a person makes a lifelong commitment to another and then goes out and has a fling with yet another, it is considered a sin by most religions, an act of betrayal by their spouse, and a display of low moral fiber by their peers. But what should it be called when you never even took a second to remember your wedding vows? Sleeping with as many girls as possible after you are married is not a mistake, it is a character flaw.

Take for example: "I think my wife searched my phone, so please remove your name from your phone... can you do that for me? Thanks, this is Tiger...huge...."

Really! You think this is a good idea? It might have worked out for you if there was a single mistress that you were spending all your waking hours outside of the PGA tour, but what were you going to do about the other hundred or so single females you were stringing along? I think something along these lines might have been a more appropriate message:

"Hi, it's Tiger, listen up because this is important. I think my wife might be on to us... so if you are someone I regularly stoink in the Eastern time zone, please press one for further instructions. For the West Coast press two. For anywhere in between, press three. If you are a casual friend that I have only done the deed with once or twice, please leave a message so I can attempt to get you into the regular rotation....... BEEP.....

And as for Jesse, I don't think Sandra is going to run right out and get a bunch of tattoos anytime soon, so if that is your thing, then maybe you need to have them tattooed on your eyeballs so then everyone will have a tattoo and you will no longer feel like you are missing out on something...

Or not....

Bah! India!

2010-03-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

While you are throwing rocks at those liberals ruining the United States of America, I found an interesting story about your English counterparts, the Conservative Party. (They are also know as the Tories, but that is a story for another day.) That bastion of liberal journalism, the New York Times, wrote a front page piece today on an English conservative party member named Sir Nicholas Winterton, who since 1971 has been the Member of Parliament representing the town of Macclesfield, a mid-size town about 25 miles south of Manchester.

We are a little slow on the uptake here in the USA on other county's political systems, but with everything that is going on with the big health care fight and all, I can understand why the Times reporters did not break this one any sooner.

It appears that the Conservative party in the UK is leading in the polls for the next general election, which the Labour Party will be required to call some time in the next year or so. The Conservatives have a reputation in the UK of being stodgy, elitist, and out of touch with the average British resident. Their leader, David Cameron, has worked diligently to reverse this stereotype and portray his party in a new light, one that cares for the needs of the voting public and will champion their cause in the House of Commons.

Except for Sir Nicholas....

Quoted from Wikipedia: "On 18 February 2010 during a BBC Radio 5 Live interview he defended MPs travelling first class by saying that people who traveled in standard class on trains were a "totally different type of people."

As Seth and Amy would say.... "Really, Sir Nicholas, really?"

And what type of people would that be? Would that be say...hmmm... the voting public? It appears Sir Nicholas wants to distant himself from the serfs and peasants that compose the majority of his constituency and hid among the numerous earls, barons, dukes, marquises, and occasional OBE that happens to be part of his social circle. It must be ssssooooooo hard to have to listen to their sniveling constant whining about living conditions and poor schools and crime rates and busy roads and this and than and so on and so on.... What a perfect world it would be if we could go back to the days of the early realm, where these ill-bred types were kept in their place and a gentlemen could go about a gentleman's business, spending time at the local men's only society sipping port, smoking the finest cigars, and discussing (and solving) the biggest world problems of the day before dinner.

So to you Sir Nicholas, we send our heart-felt sincerest regrets that the world has moved on and left you standing at the train station because there was not a first class car available in which for you to ride...

Jolly bad show, what!

And to Mr. Cameron... good luck old stick, you are going to need it with this baggage.

Happy St Paddy's Day

2010-03-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Since today is St. Patrick's day and everyone in the US pretends they are of Irish descent while wearing green clothing and drinking insane amounts of beer, I thought it would be appropriate to present something Irish for your entertainment.

So, without further delay, here is a summary of a story written by an Irishman

The Reader’s Digest Condensed Version of James Joyce’s Ulysses

Episode 1: Stephen: “You suck, Buck!”

Episode 2: Stephen: “You’re making me queasy, Deasy.”

Episode 3: Stephen (to himself): “I miss my mom…life was different in Paris… I got a great idea for a poem!... Boy, I gotta pee.”

Episode 4: Leopold: “Here’s breakfast and a letter from Milly, Molly. Excuse me while I go make number two.”

Episode 5: Leopold: “I wish that damn tram would get out of the way!”

Episode 6: Leopold: “Paddy was a good man, but do you realize you have a dent in your hat?”

Episode 7: Read all about it! Read all about it! Leopold and Stephen are in newspaper office at same time and don’t talk to each other! Read all about it!

Episode 8: Leopold: “I’m hungry… those people are disgusting… Venus has a nice ass…what the hell does that postcard mean?...oh crap! There’s Boylan”

Episode 9: Stephen: “Shakespeare’s wife liked to do it” Buck: “So does Leopold, except I think with you.”

Episode 10: A bunch of folks wandering through Dublin… nothing to see here….

Episode 11: Leopold: “Good dinner, but what the Blazes?”

Episode 12: Citizen: “Leopold , you are a %(@#%&#$ jew!” Leopold: “I’m outta here!”

Episode 13: Leopold: “Oh lord, she is so hot!” Gerty: “He is kind of hot in a sad way!”

Episode 14: Leopold: “Is it a boy? A girl? Or a history of English prose?”

Episode 15: Leopold: “Am I in a brothel…nah… it must be a bad dream… come on Stephen., lets get out of here before the walls melt again.”

Episode 16: Leopold & Stephen (singing) : “What do you do with a drunken sailor!”

Episode 17: Leopold: “If ya gotta piss, mind the dog!”

Episode 18: Molly: “Make your own breakfast!... What should I wear to Belfast?... I wonder how you spell metempsychosis?...I am really bored….I wonder where Lieutenant Mulvey is now?... Is Milly a younger me?.... Does Stephen like me?.... I guess I still love Leopold….

The end

A story for Thursday

2010-03-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

Today I wanted to relay a story that I told my granddaughter over the weekend. It is not an adventure filled saga, or one that many would find particularly interesting, but for some reason I felt a need to tell it.

In September of 2003, my wife and I went to a reunion of high school friends from my days in London, England. As the reunion was in Ottawa, we decided to spend some time in Niagara Falls and Toronto before descending on Ottawa with the rest of the attendees.

This event happened in Toronto, early on a sunny Sunday morning. We were staying up on Bloor Street after getting a good weekend rate at the Hilton. Our weekend involved wandering around the streets of Toronto and exploring the ambiance of the city. This particular morning we walked down Younge Street toward the lake and stopped at that bastion of American cuisine, McDonalds, for a quick breakfast. Not that the Hilton did not have a fine breakfast buffet in their own restaurant, but at $30 Canadian each for the privilege of nibbling on their fare, we opted to spend our dollars elsewhere.

It was about 8:00am when we went for breakfast, so there was only a scattering of people at the McDonalds when we approached from the hotel. As we entered, there was a lady standing outside of the building silently talking to herself. Her appearance was that of a street person, with generous layers of clothing to fight off the evening chill, but with muted colors so as not to stand out too much. I perceived her to be fairly young, in her twenties, but the age of the homeless is hard to gauge, as she had adapted that timelessness that comes with limited options in life.

We entered the McDonalds, leaving her standing outside, still talking to herself quietly while scanning the street for threats both imaginary and real. There was a short line at the ordering counter which went quickly, and we settled down in one of the hard plastic booths to eat our breakfast and drink our coffee.

As we sat eating, a young gentleman walked away quickly from the counter after he had bought two breakfast sandwiches. He had taken one out of the bag, unwrapped it, and taken a bite all before reaching the front door of the store. As he exited, without breaking stride, he reached into the bag and held the other breakfast sandwich out to the young lady we saw earlier. She took the sandwich from him and just stared at his back as he continued up the street consuming the sandwich he kept.

At this point a subtle change came over our friend. It was not a quantum shift, like a mood swing, but she quit talking to herself and ended the constant rearguard action of scanning the surrounding area for the evil forces that lurked nearby. She held the breakfast sandwich in her hand for a minute, slowly peeling back the yellow paper covering to see what it contained. After examining the item fully, she carefully re-wrapped it so it's appearance was that of one newly served.

Our young lady then looked up and walked briskly into the store, holding her entry pass in front of her in her right hand as she headed for the condiment table. Once there she perused the contents, collecting several napkins, packets of salt and some of pepper, and several ketchup and mustard packages. Once her bounty had been collected, she found a table in the center of the near-empty McDonalds.

We were still finishing our breakfast, so I observed her from the short distance that separated us. She had used the salt and pepper on the sandwich, but had pocketed the other condiments for later consumption. Under the yellow wrapper, she had neatly arranged the brown generic napkins into a form of tablecloth. Her head was now held higher, as if she had been magically empowered by the sandwich. She ate it slowly, taking small bites and chewing thoroughly, like an unseen relative was judging her table manners as she engaged in the morning repast that had unfolded before her.

I was still sipping coffee when she finished. She placed the napkins and used condiment packets into the yellow wrapper before wadding it up into a small ball. Arising from the chair, she walked quickly by the trash receptacle, dropped the bundle inside and shuffled back to her spot adjacent to the front door of the McDonalds to continue her vigil. We left soon after to continue our day of exploring, and I was tempted to slip her some money as we walked past her. But for some reason I chose not to do so.

I wonder to this day if I had witnessed a ritual that occurred on a regular basis, or if this was a one off opportunity that the young lady took as an opportunity to dine inside. We passed by there later in the day, however she was gone by that point, off to stand guard in another of Toronto's many boulevards.

TSA trauma

2010-03-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

There has been a lot of controversy over the new full body scanners that airport security agencies are now adapting since the attempted Christmas Day bombing. Critics of the new scanners, specifically the ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union), refer to this process as a "virtual strip search".

Since the scanners provide a front and back image of all passenger's bodies that pass through the scanner, the Transportation Security Administration will be able to see through clothing and determine if anyone is trying to board a plane with 2lbs of explosives attached to their groin.

Per the TSA, they have taken steps to protect privacy, including the blurring of all faces, personnel inspecting the screening will not have direct contact with passengers, and assertions that the images are deleted soon after they are reviewed.

This is all well and good, but I personally have a serious concern regarding the implementation of this new technology.

My concern is obvious. It is about the TSA screeners who will spend at least 30 hours a week viewing these images looking for threats to the US transportation system. For reference to what I am referring, take an hour this weekend and drive to your local Wal-Mart. Grab a shopping cart and circle the store a few times. Try to imagine seeing all of the people you pass in the aisles naked.

I think you see my point here. Within a short period of time, all of these screeners will begin to develop a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from having to constantly look at screen shots of an obese general public that passes through their particular airport.

Sure, they might smile once in a while at the occasional Apollo or Aphrodite as they across their screen, but the majority of images will be of people who only know "curls" from the Arby's menu and believe it is exercise to get out of the Lazy-Boy to get another beer during commercials. The "yards of lard" that they will be expected to examine on a daily basis will become a vision that they can not shake. It will cause sleepless nights due to fears of dreaming of raging lipids and then general anxiety every workday morning when they realize that they must again examine screen shots of endless overweight individuals while trying to identify potential contraband almost completely masked by massive gelatinous fat layers.

That, my friends, is not a job I would wish on anyone.....

The fees....the fees..... the fees...

2010-03-01T15:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

By the end of this month, credit card companies will be regulated by new guidelines established by you and your co-workers during last year's sessions of Congress. Since these companies are going to be limited in some of their previous practices that generated much of their profits, they have begun to announce a whole new set of fees that will allow them to pad their bottom lines with additional profits courtesy of the taxpayers.

Examples include one bank charging an "inactivity fee" of $19 if you do not use your card in a 12 month period. Another more drastic fee is a $60 annual fee if card holders charge less than $2,400 a year, as rolled out by one of our wonderful Fortune 100 bailed-out financial institutions. So don't forget to charge that $200 per month to avoid that fee!

But as the need for fees drives on, I believe that banks and processing companies will only get more aggressive when it comes to this topic. Here are some ideas for them to ponder.

Early internet payment fee - Yes, it is a real hassle for the banks when you pay your credit card too early, as they have to go to the trouble of applying your payment outside of their "planned window", thus clogging up their administrative infrastructure.To fix this irritating problem, banks will designate a 30 minute period on a monthly basis when you can pay your bill online. If you miss this window, it's a $39 fee. Typically, for everyone's convenience, the window will be open between 3:30am-4:00am Eastern Standard Time on the first Sunday of the month.

Call center fee - Yup, those fine folks over in India have to eat as well, so the major banks will be instituting a fee for every time you feel the need to call the 1-800 number on the back of your card. No a lot of money, just a simple $5 connection fee and then 35 cents a minute after that, conveniently billed directly to your card!

Bonus administration recovery fee - Every year the banks issue their bonus checks, and then the majority of the payroll staff quit in disgust when they see insane amount of money the top 10% of employees are paying themselves, while they are trying to get by on an annual salary that is less than an average executive team member's monthly expense allowance. Thus, the bank incur an ongoing irritation of having to constantly hire menial payroll staff to process their grotesquely large annual payouts. A consultant was hired by a number of banks to address this problem and recommended that they forgo a small portion of their bonuses to placate the disgruntled employees by sharing it with them. The banks thanked the consultants for their hard work, escorted them the door, and then proceeded to institute this fee on cardholders to offset the additional costs of continuously hiring new payroll department employees on an on-going basis.

BWC fees - If you read your credit card statement it will say the following: BWC fees are levied on all customers of XXX bank as per outlined in the cardholder agreement dated January 31, 2010. BWC fees are calculated as 0.01% of all outstanding balances on a 28 day cycle, and billed in arrears. If you pay your balance in full each month, then your BWC fees will not be billed in the ensuing month's activity, provided that BWC waiver conditions are met. BWC waiver conditions require that once during the 28 billing period that the BWC fees are accrued, a verified 1/4 inch or more of snowfall is recorded in an area commonly defined as the Sahara Desert. (if you read far enough into the fine print, you will find the BWC stands for : "Because We Can")

Nature's Way

2010-02-05T17:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

Hopefully you are hunkered down somewhere in DC riding out the same weather system that is currently distributing copious amounts of frozen precipitation over your constituents. It was all rain in the metro area for the majority of the day before being a cold front redefined the rules of weather and brought the white death to our door steps.

So in honor of this moment, I scratched out another boring poem.

Try to stay awake this time....

I open the door to study the night
and the cold hits me hard ... and soft
as the silent way of nature's path
carves a loud scar in the sky

I try to suck it all in
the wet and the cold and the stillness and the calm
but the dryness and heat and the noise and activity
relieve me of my need for civility

So I scream at the heavens
and venture into the white
with little to lose
and much to invite

My senses excited
but my mind in a blur
I approach life decisions
to again just defer

the choices, elections, desires and craves
upon which existence sits still and behaves

I envision sherry and too many mince pies
I dream of a peacefulness not entangled with lies

I see war not declared
and peace run abounds

I hear words of sincerity
and ignore threats of despair

but my abode yonder beckons
to bring me inside
to relieve my anxieties
and restore my tattered pride

the door is now closing
the silent disappears
the path of nature's way
has now become clear

Live from Capitol Hill

2010-01-28T18:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

Sorry I have been remiss in updating you regularly via this blog, however I have been fairly busy recently with mundane but necessary life events. In fact, my main de-blogging factor has been paperwork, and lots of it.

But I digress...

Today I thought I would present missing transcripts from a Senate hearing the other day about the attempted Christmas bombing.

Sound of gavel banging

Senator Blouhard : This session will come to order. First victim...errr... witness will be acting head of the Transportation Security Administration, Dr. Michael Searcher. Please swear in the witness...

Mumbling and hands on a bible take place.

Senator Blouhard : Would anyone like to make an opening statement?

All Senators raise their hands and start talking at the same time.

Senator Blouhard : Eh... well, given our limited amount of time available due to prior commitments of the committee members, lets just get right to the questioning. Senator Vaine?

Senator Vaine: (staring right into the camera) Yes, Dr. Searcher, what exactly were you doing, other than not doing your job, when this man attempted to blow up this plane?

Dr. Searcher : Senator, as it was Christmas day, I spent most of the day with my family, except in the evening, when I went to an event at....

Senator Vaine : So let me get this straight, while terrorists were putting in place a plan to destroy the transportation infrastructure of these United States of America, you were gaily attending a wild party, drinking and cavorting with others and ignoring the threats against our beloved nation.

Dr. Searcher : Yes, Senator, in fact I remember seeing you there, since it was at your house and you personally had invited me.

Senator Vaine : Please let the record show that the acting director freely admitted to abandoning his duties. Thank you chairperson, I am done with this witness.

Senator Blouhard : The chair recognizes Senator Hogg.

Senator Hogg : So Dr Searcher, how long have you been drinking on the job?

Dr. Searcher : (Bewildered look) Excuse me, Senator? I don't ever remember drinking while working.

Senator Hogg : So you are telling me that you consume so much alcohol on a regular basis that you can't even remember doing it???? (stated loudly into the microphone for effect)

Dr. Searcher : That is not what I meant.

Senator Hogg : So you do sometimes remember you are at your desk even though you are completely soused?

Dr. Searcher : Senator, you are twisting my words.

Senator Hogg : Let the record show that the witness refused to answer the question.

Senator Blouhard : Thank you for that incite, Senator Hogg. The chair now recognizes Senator Egomon.

Senator Egomon : Let me say for the record, sir, that I am disgusted by your very presence. How do you live with yourself, sir, when helpless people could have been killed needlessly on that airplane on Christmas day, all because of your affinity for alcohol and love of the nightlife. If anyone lost their life that night, it would have been on your head, and I would have done everything in my power to make sure that you would have prosecuted to the full extent of the law, up to and including your execution, which I would have gladly attended and watched while they strap you up to Old Sparky and run 1.1 jigawatts through your worthless torso!!!!!

Dr. Searcher stares blankly with his mouth wide open. He turns to his counsel next to him. His counsel leans forward to the microphone.

Dr. Searcher's attorney : Does the Senator have an actual question for the witness?

Senator Egomon :Yes, I do. Dr. Searcher, since you have obviously failed miserably at your one main appointed task of preventing terrorist from attempting to kill innocent Americans, why should we not just have the District of Columbia police department come over to your offices, beat you senseless with nightsticks as you fully deserve, and throw you out onto the front lawn of the TSA administrative building so the American public can pummel you as well?

Dr. Searcher continues to stare at Senator Egomon without responding. He again turns to counsel.

Dr. Searcher's attorney :Dr. Searcher elects to invoke his fifth amendment rights at this time.

Dr. Searcher now stares at his attorney in disbelief. Flashbulbs are going off and loud background noise rises from the gallery as Senator Blouhard bangs his gavel and tries to maintain order.

END OF TRANSCRIPT...

I will to do ended

2009-12-07T03:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

I must confess that I am deeply worried about the state of our school systems here in the USA. Not even taking into account the destruction of grammar and spelling that is unleashed by the universe of texting, even everyday correspondences are corrupted by an inability to string together a single sentence or phrase.

For example, the following email from a well meaning but poorly educated citizen showed up in my work email box this weekend.

"Dear Sir.

Since accept order ribbons via e-mail. I express heartfelt to thanks. Because, The original e-mail address XXXXXXXXXnet.net contact To connection and delivery had problems. I will to do ended use that.

We had attached other e-mail address xxx.ribbons@xxx.xxxxx.net and cccccc.xxxx,net and xxxxxxx@so-net.xxx.tw accept order ribbons. Also, Attached my website http://www.xxxxxxxx.xxx.tw visit that please.

I hope so forever to do service for you and attached new order form.

Thank you very much!"

Not wanting to past up a possible new client, I took the time to respond.

Dear xxxxxxx@so-net.xxx.tw,

I received your correspondence dated December 6, 2009. I was pleased for yourself and your prospective business that you had corrected your IT problems and were now able to accept orders going forward. However, I would be amiss if I did not point out a few problems with your email.

1. When composing business transmittals, it is deemed proper not to be drunk when writing it. I can only assume from your inability to form a single intelligible sentence that you were on the tail end of a four day bender that did not involve any sleep.

2. In most cases, ribbons are only worn by decorated veterans or pre-teen school children who have won a track and field event. I have to ask if you have taken any time to perform any analysis to see who your market demographic might be? I thought about this for a good 15 or 20 seconds and could not come up with a target audience for your "ribbons", unless you plan on starting a new fashion trend where anorextic supermodels strut the fashion runways of the world wearing nothing but multicolored ribbons and skimpy underwear.

3. With a "tw" ending to your website, that might explain your apparent drunkenness. I have to assume you have branched out to Taiwan? In that case, may I advise that next time you have one of your English speaking staff compose your business emails, rather than your business partner's son-in-law. I am sure he convinced you that he was fluent in English after your business partner's daughter begged the two of you to hire him, but, to be blunt, his ability to speak English is closer to Donald Duck then Mickey Mouse.

Again, thanks for your business offer. However, as has happened previously, when I attempted to visit your website, my computer (and the FAA computer system in Utah, for that matter) crashed quicker than a bus full of nuns on a wet road. So, see what you can do to fix that, as causing major flight delays all over the United States will not look good on my next job application.

Go bust and die trying....

2009-12-03T03:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

As an accountant, I occasionally get questions about whether or not it is worthwhile to buy stock of a company that has declared bankruptcy. It appears it is very tempting to individual investors when the shares of a once proud mega-giant of American industry is trading on the stock exchanges for (usually) less than a buck a share.

Which leads to my usual response.

There is a reason that it is trading for less than a buck a share. It is worthless. Zero, nil, null, nada, nothing, zip.....

Let me see if I can explain.

As a stockholder, think of yourself as standing at the edge of a cliff. Directly in front of you are unsecured creditors, with secured creditors (think bondholders and banks here) standing in front of them.

Companies can generally file two types of bankruptcy in the USA. So we have two scenarios to cover.

First is the dreaded Chapter 7, which means the company does not see any chance of recovery and is going to sell it's assets to pay off as much as it owes as possible. In this case, the attorneys for the company basically push everyone off the cliff. The people who land on top of the others will generally be uninjured and walk away with out taking a hit. This would be the bankers and the bondholders. The next layer of people would be injured in some way but still survive to fight another day. You however, the stockholder, are either killed when you hit the ground or crushed to death when everyone falls on you. You get nothing and like it....

Second is a little thing call Chapter 11. In this case, the company decides it can not possibly pay all its bills on time but thinks they can become profitable again, if only they can call time out, ditch some of there past mistakes, and then move forward like nothing happened. For a Chapter 11, the attorneys don't push everyone as hard as they do in a Chapter 7, thus the only ones who fall off the cliff are the stockholders, as their capital in the company is redistributed to everyone else in front of them. Thus, after the shove, some of the unsecured creditors and other debtors are given company stock in lieu of their prior claim, so after the dust has settled there is a whole new set of stockholders standing at the edge of the cliff. Again, lying dead at the bottom of the cliff, you get nothing and again like it....

So why do shares trade for pennies when they are in fact worthless. Guess what folks... it's basically like playing musical chairs, only at the end of the game they remove all the chairs....

When Black Friday Comes....

2009-12-01T02:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

Needless to say you are probably familiar with the Steely Dan song from the seventies "Black Friday". But in the last decade or two, Black Friday has been hijacked by retailers nationwide as they attempt to create a feeding frenzy of shopping sharks who increase their annual debt load while allowing the aforementioned corporations to remain solvent for another business cycle.

However, Black Friday also has other meaning besides the current one.

Back in 1869, Black Friday referred to a financial scandal that rocked the Grant administration when two wealthy gentlemen, James Fisk and Jay Gould, decided to corner the gold market to further enrich themselves, creating an asset bubble in gold the likes of which have never been seen again... until now....

In England, Black Friday is the last Friday before Christmas, when the entire population goes on a bender for a single night, making it the busiest night of the year for pubs, nightclubs, social clubs, and any other establishment that can legally or illegally supply liquor to a voraciously thirst public. The only sober group are the EMTs, who also log the most runs of any day of the year.

Another Black Friday reference is to January 13, 1939, when fires burned down nearly 2/3's of Victoria, Australia, destroying over 3,700 buildings and killing 71. This was the second largest recorded brush fire in Australian history, burning over 2 million hectares. The largest fire occured in 1851 and burned over 5 million hectares. And what was is it referred to? Yup, the Black Thursday fire... gotta give a "D" to the Auzzies for originality on that one.

Of course, Black Friday is well represented in popular culture, as Steely Dan, Megadeath, and Flogging Molly have all penned and released songs about it.

And my favorite is the 1940 film starring Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi. Even though Lugosi is listed second on the playbill and credits, he only had a small part in the film and did not appear in any scenes with Karloff, but there is no stopping those marketing geeks when they get their brain cells fired up....

Anyway, hopefully everyone had a safe and prosperous Black Friday...

Get Reel...

2009-11-26T07:01:00.001-08:00

Dear Congressman,

I will start with first wishing you and yours a happy and healthy Thanksgiving. Now... on to today's topic.

A very popular form of entertainment among your constituents is to hop into the family automobile, head down to the local theatre, and catch the latest Hollywood release. I myself have spent untold hours pursuing this recreational assignment, usually with mixed results.

Not to criticize the Screen Writers Guild of America, but does every script have to be written so the good guys are victorious? Sometimes it stretches the realm of reality, so given that criticism I would like to present some minor additions to the end of well known films to make them more plausible.

Independence Day (1996)

Summary : This movie ends with the survivors of the US Government hiding at Area 51 and defeating a fleet of large Alien spaceships by invading the mothership in Earth's orbit, downloading a computer virus that lowers all their protective shields, and then allows other survivors around the world to shoot down the offending over sized space crafts. Also, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum escape from the mothership just before the thermonuclear device they left behind turns it into pixie dust.

Rewrite : After the spaceships are shot down and crashed into earth, there are quite a few aliens who survive. These aliens band together to form a resistance movement that is taken in by Kim Jong-il, since he has more in common with the aliens than with human life forms (see 2004's Team America, World Police). Under his protection, they rebuild advanced technology weapons that, within six months after their defeat, allow them to again attack the world's population and take over. The Democratic People's Republic of Korea becomes the Democratic Alien's Republic of the World.

It's a Wonderful Life (1946)

Summary : Most everyone is familiar with the story of George Bailey and his soul reviving brush with an angel that shows him that his life does have meaning, as the movie ends with the entire town pitching in money to save his bank from ruin due to some nitwit leaving $8000 on a park bench. The bank is saved and George Bailey lives happily ever after.

Rewrite: After the happy ending, the scene cuts to 40 years in the future. Bailey Home and Loan is now BHL, Inc, the biggest writer of sub-prime mortgages in the world. It is June 2008, and George Bailey, III is trying to convince Gordon Gecko, now that he is on parole (see 1987's Wall Street), to help him to raid another more conservative bank for their capital to write more garbage mortgages in Sacramento, CA and Ft Myers, Fl. This time collapse of Bailey's bank occurs before they can pull it off, with the bankruptcy taking down the entire US financial system with it. The movie ends with George Bailey, III quietly slips out the back of his $47 million mansion with a one way ticket to Argentina as the FBI are breaking down his door with a search and arrest warrant.

The Sting (1973)

Summary: Robert Redford and Paul Newman stage a fake bookie operation against the odds to steal half a million from a gangster, Robert Shaw, who killed their friend Luther. The story ends with a faked shootout between Newman & Redford and a fooled Shaw hustled out of the betting parlor before he got arrested. Everyone laughs and splits up the money.

Re-write : One of the minor participants in the sting gets drunk at a bar and brags about what they did to a stranger. The stranger goes to Shaw, who then hunts down the conspirators one by one, saving Redford and Newman for last. The movie ends with the duo beat to a pulp on a construction site, where they are encased in concrete while still alive and used for the cornerstone of the new Bailey Home and Loan Building....

Save the kitties...

2009-11-23T15:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

Saw the following story on the BBC the other day....

Cat rescue earns keeper a booking

A cat got close to the action in a top-flight match in Croatia

Goalkeeper Ivan Banovic was booked after rescuing a pitch-invading cat during a top-flight match in Croatia.

Medjimurje Cakovec's Banovic picked up the wandering feline after it strayed on to the pitch 20 minutes into his team's match at Sibenik.

He placed it safely near a scoreboard but was then booked by the referee for leaving the pitch without permission.

Media reports said the official's actions annoyed fans, who barracked him for punishing Banovic's kind deed.

They say that you learn something everyday. Today I learned that in the land of my birth, Great Britain, that the President of the United States' first name is also usable as a verb for verbal abuse..... interesting.

Also, I understand that it is a rule that the referee should give a yellow card to any player who leaves the field (pitch) without their permission, however I think the governing authorities can give some leeway...maybe like one of those famous "talking to's" complete with exaggerated hand gestures and "I am in charge" command voice, rather than reaching into the back pocket and whipping out the yellow warning card for performing a humane and civic duty.

If this is the course we are taking, where it is more important to stay between painted limestone lines rather than getting a helpless creature out of harms way, I suggest that we just issue goalkeepers a large club to keep in the back of the net, that way they can bash the offending mammal into submissions before flinging it into the crowd, thus allowing some lucky spectator the prospect of "road-kill" stew after the match...

Or not...

A Roof over our heads....

2009-11-23T14:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

Several months ago my roof developed a small leak that stained the ceiling in the corner of my kitchen. After checking to make sure I did not have a mold problem, I decided it was time to put a new roof on my house.

I bought my home 12 years ago, and at that time I was aware that three years before that the seller had re-tiled over the top of the original roof, thus having two layers of shingles guarding Melody and I on a nightly basis.

However, the problem comes in with the original tiles below becoming brittle and the tar paper basically dissolving into dust. Unlike a single layer, this "quick fix" will only put off the inevitable need for a replacement roof within 10 to 15 years. Alas, that time had come.

My son in law, with some financial incentive, agreed to take a three day weekend and help me to put on the roof. We went to Lowes on a Wednesday night last Wednesday and bought about $27oo of roofing materials to accomplish the job. Fortunately, as a Union Ironworker and all around handyman, he pretty much had all the tools necessary for completion of the task. Plus, we hired two of his friend to help for the weekend.

Here is what I have learned from the last three days.

1. All male high school juniors (16-17 year old) need to spend at least two weeks in during their summer vacation before either their junior or senior year stripping and then re-tiling a couple of roofs. This will guarantee that the amount of males enrolling in college or trade school multiply exponentially in attempts to avoid a lifetime of roofing or similar back-breaking work.

2. Anyone who decides to put a second layer of shingles on a roof without removing the original layer first should be required to personal get up on the roof and remove both layers single handed. It is amazing what scrapping off and then hauling to a dumpster over 2 tons of roof will do to manipulate financial decisions.

3, A law needs to be passed by Congress to require that a single bundle of shingles be cut in half so the weight of the aforementioned package is decreased from 80lbs (36.3kg) to 40lbs (18.15kg). After spending 1 1/2 days removing and hauling several tons of roofing debris and then laying down tar paper, the 1 hour session of hauling an additional ton of shingles 80lbs at a time can prove to be a life altering event.

That's about it. As I write this I am in recovery mode, however we still have about 1/2 a day of work left to finish the job, as the highest point of my house is still tar paper over plywood.

Oh, and by the way, if there is a hell, then it has a company call Lucifer's Roofers, where middle aged white executives spend all eternity roofing while supervised by hispanic immigrants who play cards all day....

Virus spotting 101

2009-11-19T15:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

I received the following email at work today.

-----Original Message-----
From: Customer Support
Sent: Thursday, November 19, 2009 10:17 AM
To:

Subject: payment request from "American Reprographics Company"

We recorded a payment request from "American Reprographics Company" to enable the charge of $4085.12 on your account.

The payment is pending for the moment.

If you made this transaction or if you just authorize this payment, please ignore or remove this email message. The transaction will be shown on your monthly statement as "American Reprographics Company".

If you didn't make this payment and would like to decline it, please download and install the transaction inspector module (attached to this letter).

Lets break this down, shall we?

1. "Customer Support"? This looks like a payment request. Doesn't seem right to be using technical support's favorite title when you are trying to collect a debt. Maybe change that to "Customer Service", since (as George Carlin would have phrased it) you are attempting to "service the customer".

2. No name in the To: field. As a customer, do I not mean enough to you to merit a personalized greeting? Am I just another wallet to be raided?

3. A payment request from American Repographics Company? Pretty generic stuff so far. Nice choice for a spam letter, as this is a pretty large company with offices from Miami to Seattle.

4. Pretty poorly worded opening sentence, as they are trying to let you know that "Customer Support" is omnipresent and can, at any time, charge your account for $4,805.12 for a billing that has no invoice number, no invoice date, or description of services. Now logically, if these guys could dip into your account for $4,805.12 without prior approval and actually keep the money, then they wouldn't be sending you this poorly worded email now, would they?

5. Ah... the punch line... requiring action on your part to stop them from "$4085.12ing" you to death. For your convenience and since you trust "Customer Support" so much, you simply have to open the "transaction inspector module" that is attached to the email and this mystery billing will be stricken from their books and all correspondences will cease.

The sad part is that there is a percentage of the population who is going to fall for this guise, click on the attachment to the "letter", and unleash a virus on their computer network so lethal that Bill Gates will instantaneously choke to death on a ham sandwich in his kitchen once it is installed.

It is the wicked taking advantage of the ignorant.

If for no other reason, this is why you want your kids to pay attention in school....

I just can't "Stan" it.....

2009-11-18T19:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

Since Afghanistan has been in the news so much with their recently rigged .... errr... fair elections, I thought it might be helpful to review some of the other countries in the region that are not quite as volatile as the land that gave us the Taliban. Here are some of the ones we never really hear about.

Maakanuplanstan - This is probably one of the most famous of the "stans", as it declared independence from Uzbekistan in late 1975 and has since replaced Islam with Simonism, or the worship of Paul Simon as the national religion. They are very tourist friendly, however there is a separatist movement of known as the Art of the Garfunkelstans, which tends to sing an octave or two higher than the Simonites but can't write a song to save their lives.

Werizwaldostan - This small and historically irrelevant country is tucked neatly in an undisclosed location that has baffled the United Nations for years, as delegates keep showing up in New York to present their credentials but wouldn't reveal where their country is on a map. During the crisis period that ensued after 911, Vice President Dick Chaney spent several months there.

Kepdownbydastan - A nice place but the inhabitants tend to be a little defensive. They will be very quick to tell you that all the other "stans" treat them a second class "stan", and the economy is supported by emigres working in the other "stans" and sending money home.

Parenttzdonntundirstan - This nation has a fairly young median age, but the council of elders that run the country keep passing a law that raises the driving age every year to keep the "youths" off the roads and menacing the other citizens. Per last session of the council, the driving age is now 54, but you can get a learners permit starting at age 42, as long as a licensed driver is in the car and you have the permission of your parents. This country holds the continuing record for the lowest birth rate in the world and the highest percentage of visa applications for residency anywhere in the world other than here.

and finally:

Custerzlasstan - The indigenous population has unique genetic traits as all the males tend to have long flowing blond hair and an inability to follow simple commands or instructions. They also tend to be very paranoid about being attacked at any time by one of the other "stans". They wear boots, too.

Dead (end) JOB....

2009-11-17T17:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

I recently saw this story on the AP wire and just wanted to share....

The unemployment rate may top 10 percent, but there is an opening at the University of California, Santa Cruz, for a Deadhead. The library is advertising for an archivist to handle the library's Grateful Dead collection. A master's degree in archives management is required, as is "expert knowledge in the history of and scholarship of contemporary popular music, or American vernacular culture, preferably the history and influence of the Grateful Dead.
So let's help the library with its search. What questions would you ask at the interview?

What questions would I like to ask at the interview? Hmmm..... lets take a shot at that, shall we?

1. How much weed can you smoke before it affects your work?

2. As part of the job duties, you will be required to be able to distinguish between Panama Red Brick, Southeastern Lebanon Blond Cake, Taos Vibrating Purple, and Santa Clara Brown Bonestoner hashish. How would you proceed?

3. Some of the papers in the collection may include sheets of blotter acid or left over LSD from the 1983 Bakersfield Concert in the Park. Do you have a high tolerance level for hallucinigenics and their many unusual effects?

4. Have you ever suffered from mild to moderate phases of paranoia? If not, are you open to the idea?

5. The University is not a bottomless pit of money, so would you be willing to outline your minimum caloric requirements for when you suffer from the munchies.....

6. Are you experienced with the symptoms of overdosing? In a pinch, would you be able to coach a co-worker through an ice bath and/or use a cardiac needle on them or potential yourself?

and finally

7. UC Santa Cruz promotes and encourages a drug-free work environment. Are you willing to sneak your stash into the office using orifices usually reserved for other bodily functions?

Undelayed Flights

2009-11-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

Since the beginning of 2009, I have personally boarded eleven different flights for various destinations, both work related and personal. As a frequent flier yourself, you are probably aware that most flights appear to be departing at full capacity, with only two of my trips having any open seats available.

But with this many people crowding onto airplanes comes the problem of on-time departures, with delays mainly being caused by weather at main hub airports (New York, Chicago, etc). Another source of delays in departure are the actual passengers themselves, as they take forever and a day to get onto the plane and plant their butts in their seats.

We have all met the person in line in front of us who arrives at their seat, looks at their ticket, looks at the seat number on the console above them, looks at the ticket again, thinks for a minute, then proceeds to scan around for an overhead slot to put the over-sized bag that they brought on the plane because they did not want to pay the bag fee. After several minutes of concentrated searching, this person finally finds the spot to put their bag, usually the last place they thought to look, which is directly over their seat, and then proceed to take another minute of bag wrestling to get it perfectly placed to their own particular demands. At this point, the person will fake a movement to their seat, turn and give you a half smile, and then proceed to spend another several minutes in the aisle while they take off their coat, fold it in a maticulous fashion, and then stow it in the overhead area as well. Finally, as if conceding to the inevitable tide of angry people winding from the row in front of them all the way up to the gate, the person finally sits down in his/her seat so everyone else can now get to their assigned area.

Normally there are only four or five of these people, but they tend to be the first people on the plane, thus backing up the rest of us like a latrine at a cheese festival. So now the plane is delayed and the majority of the passengers are pissed off, knowing that some will miss their connecting flights due to Mr/Mrs Slow Boarder Extraordinaire.Â

How do we fix it... simple... we make these people get on last, in seat number order so they do not block each other as they take their time stowing their bags and getting into their seats.

Now you ask... how do you figure to get them on the plane last?

Again, a simple solution. Most major airlines board by zone number, which allows them to spread people through the plane and get to their seats more easily.Â This only works well if you can eliminate the Slow Boarder Extraordinaires from the equation.

Nowadays, when boarding a plane, the gate agent will scan your ticket. I propose that the scanning of a ticket starts a timer on the seat location on the ticket. The timer is only turned off when 50lbs of pressure or more is applied to the seat listed on the ticket. The program will need logic to deduct time from people who are stuck behind the Slow Boarder, but after a few flights the airlines will be able to identify who these wasteful slugs are on a regular basis. Once they have been tagged as a habitual human flight delay machine, then they are given a "Zone 25 status"

Thus, when they get their next airplane ticket, they will be assigned boarding Zone 25.

So it would go something like this:

"I would like to announce the boarding of flight 178 to Spokane, now boarding Zone 1 only."

Five minutes later

"Now boarding Zones 1 - 4. Zones 1 - 4 only."

Ten minutes later...

"Now boarding Zones 1- 5. Boarding Zones 1 -5 at this time."

Ten minutes later...

"Final boarding call for flight 178. All Zone 25 passengers are free to board at this time....."

Pull over!!!!

2009-11-12T15:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Congressman,

I saw this news story on the BBC, and since I am completely obsessed with driving and traffic I felt it necessary to share it with you.

Man breaks 15 laws in 11 minutes

A driver has confounded Swiss police by committing 15 traffic violations in just over 10 minutes, officials say.
The 47-year-old initially raced past an unmarked police car in heavy rain at 160 km/h (100mph) before weaving close to other cars and the road's kerb.
The serial offender clocked up further offences for speeding, driving on the hard shoulder, running a set of red lights and failing to stop for police.
When finally pulled over by St Gallen police, he failed a drugs test.
The unnamed driver, who lives near Zurich, faces a lengthy driving ban and a possible jail sentence when he appears before a Swiss court.
"I can't remember a case this serious," a police spokeswoman told the BBC of Sunday's infringement spree. "It's remarkable."

Personally, I think I saw this guy on the freeway this morning as he blazed by me at about 100 mph. I must admit that it is pretty impressive to amass 15 citations in less than a quarter of an hour. Plus, to be able to do it while higher than a homemade Colorado spaceship-like balloon is even more odds defying.

Too bad it was all during a rain storm, otherwise the footage from the Swiss police interceptors would have been fodder for the season premiere of "World's most danger police chases". The Fox network could have had a field day advertising:

(Teaser running on screen of part of chase while deep pitched voice states:)
"You'd be remiss if you missed the Swiss as he does this"

Or something like that....

End of common thought

2009-10-31T17:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

More poetry for quiet days at the office...

Not lacking in confidence from time immemorial

there exists a vein of thought now cold

an aging forest of moss and pine

remaining warmth fading as its borders trespassed

It houses the coats of the multitude

where talk is inexpensive and words are dear

logic is cheaply purchased and purpose is clear

sold as inclusive while remaining exclusive

but still part of those timbers contaminated by fear

And impending from above this woodland fair

comes the spark of the sky's consciousness

creating flame where there was no fire at all

inciting panic where calm had reigned tall

Bent on a course reckoned not acceptable to pursue

the fire raced through the dry rotted floor

neither tirade nor condemnation nor rhetoric nor hate

could cause this crimson crusade to abate

At the end of its course laid a path unknown

missing judgment, gossip, hatred, and temper tantrums thrown

but leaving an emptiness now missing needed filled

because the beast thou abated has not yet been killed

The fire has subsided and the fear has dimmed

but a slow terror rises through the fauna once green

the understanding is still far from multitudes of believers

as they cling to a conviction held deep but unseen

Because no matter how hard they cling to their faith

the amp does not go to eleven

the good guys are not always good

and the magnificence ended with the seven...

Pepe Le Pew goes primetime

2009-10-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

While you are busy on the hill trying to fight the evils of socialized medicine and preserve HMO profit margins, we are all being delighted to the never ending barrage of information unloaded on us during the network evening news broadcasts. Some of it information and some of it not....

Today's "lite" story was about a skunk that had it's head caught in a jar of Jiffy peanut butter (for the full story click here )

Now, the skunk is eventually saved by a "skunk whisperer", who dopes it up with a little bit of chloroform, yanks the jar off the skunk's head, and then steps back to avoid the potential side effects of a disoriented and extremely upset skunk.

I would be amiss if I did not take a moment to register my disappointment in the tactics used by the aforementioned skunk whisperer. While he took a good long time explaining to the camera what he was about to do, at no point in time did he attempt to communicate with the skunk. The only whispering he did was to the camera right before he snuck up on the disoriented mammal to capture it in a plastic box. Maybe he should rename his business to something like "the skunk capturer" or "the de-skunker", but if you are not willing to get face to face with a Mephitis mephitis on the one and only time you will be on network telelvision, then I would have to have to go out on a limb and say that your skunk whispering skills are a little lacking....

But hey, that's just me... the only time I approached a skunk was in California in the 80's when I thought it was the neighbor's cat. Even though I had it cornered by my front door and personally having the skunk whispering skills of a dead buffalo, I still managed to slowly back away without giving it cause to spray me, even though my hand got within a foot of it as I leaned down to pet it.....

so take that... fake skunk whispering dude....

World Cup Fever

2009-10-09T02:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Today I thought I would introduce you to the exciting world of World Cup soccer qualifying. Every four years the nations of the world converge on a predetermined country (in 2010 it will be South Africa) to support the 32 national teams that will be part of the World Cup competition. However, during the two years prior to the event, teams representing all of the planet's soccer federations have been playing each other in group competitions for the right to attend the event. Between this Saturday and Wednesday, the majority of the potential European contestants will be determined.

Here is an example of this process.

Group three in Europe(UEFA) includes the Czech Republic, Northern Ireland, Poland, Slovakia, San Marino and Slovenia. In the competition, everyone plays everyone else home and away once, so there is a total of 10 games in which to qualify. If you come in first, you go to the World Cup. If you come in second, you have a play another second place group winner to see who gets to go to the World Cup.

With me so far?

Okay, we are now at a point where all the teams have played at least eight games.

I chose Group three in Europe as it is fairly straightforward. Slovakia currently leads the group and has the best chance of winning it. Slovakia will play Slovenia on Saturday and if Slovakia win or tie then they are champs of the group. Slovenia must beat Slovakia and then San Marino on Wednesday, then they would likely win the group, unless Slovakia beats Poland on Wednesday by more goals then Slovenia beats San Marino, then Slovakia would still win the Group.

Pretty straightforward, right?

Now for the play-off spot, which is slightly more complicated. Northern Ireland can mathematically still come in second, but the odds are about the same as lightning hitting the First Family's dog. If Solvenia beats Slovakia and then San Marino, then Slovakia have this spot tied up, but if Slovakia beat Solvenia, then Poland and the Czech Republic have a shot at the runner up spot. Czech Republic & Poland play each other on Saturday, so the winner is hoping for the favor from the Slovakia-Solvenia game, but if they tie then they are effectively out. If Poland wins, they need Slovenia to lose in Slovakia and then must then beat Slovakia on Wednesday by a greater margin than Slovenia beat San Marino. If the Czech Republic wins, they will control their own fate against Northern Ireland, but only if Slovenia lose to Slovakia. If Slovenia ties with Slovakia, then the Czech Republic has to beat Northern Ireland by more goals than Slovenia beat San Marino.

So there, simple... right?

Hail Cincinnatius!

2009-10-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I thought it might be nice to explain to other people the idiosyncrasies of native Cincinnatians. Hopefully you are in agreement with the assumptions.

Cincinnati is divided into three zones, Eastsiders, Westsiders, and Northern Kentuckians.

Eastsiders have all the money and live in the big houses of eastern part of the metro area. They spend big money on going to broadway plays at the Arnoff Center.

Westsiders are working class, live in smaller houses, and work for the Eastsiders. They spend big money on Bengals season tickets and beer.

Northern Kentuckians are confused Eastsiders and Westsiders, as they co-mingle freely without realizing that they destroying decades of Cincinnati class structure.

Cincinnati's most famous food is Skyline Chili, a delicacy of mild chili usually served with either spaghetti & shredded cheese or with a hot dog on a bunÂ with shredded cheese. The next most famous is Graeter's ice cream, a thick fat-filled delight that Oprah Winfrey made popular by pimping it on her show. Based on our diet, I am quite confident that local cardiac surgeons are kept quite busy performing heart bypasses, when they are not at the Arnoff Center.

It usually only snows once or twice a year in Cincinnati, but when it does it is referred to as "the white death" and sheer utter panic ensues on all major roads. All drivers appear to have forgotten how to operate a vehicle in environment since the previous year. The Arnoff Center will close but the Bengals will still play in a major snowstorm.

In Cincinnati, when a person wants someone to repeat something they just said, they do not say "excuse me" or "can you repeat that", they say "please" with rising intonation. It can be confusing if you had just said "do you want chocolate syrup on your hamburger?" or "how about a left jab to the solar plexis?".

Every year on the Sunday of Labor Day weekend, the City has a fireworks display over the Ohio River. It normally attracts over 500,000 annually and usually goes smoothly during the afternoon until 100,000 of the attendants get liquored up and aggravate the other 400,000 with their foul language and generally boorish behavior. After the fires are over, everyone tries to leave downtown at the exact same time, leading to the largest annual traffic jam in Cincinnati. During this period, everyone behind the wheel of a car swears that this will be the last fireworks they will ever attend.

Well... I think that is the highlights... if not I will revisit this topic later...

We;'re not worthy!!!

2009-10-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

It appears that Chicago was not successful in landing the 2016 Olympic games as the International Olympic Committee decided to give the games to Rio de Janeiro. Word on the street was that the IOC were looking to have a games in South America as it would be the first time ever.

Even Madrid failed in winning the bid, even though they were heavily lobbied by ex-IOC President Juan Antonio Samaranch, a native Spaniard.

Actually, I can understand why the Olympic Committee would want to snub their ex-boss, as he led the IOC during it's most scandal ridden period between 1980 and 1999, where it was commonly known that kissing the buttocks of the IOC members and plying them with lavish gifts was the preferred method for winning an IOC bid for the games.

Take Mr. Samaranch for example. Oh wait... I'm sorry... when Mr. Samaranch was IOC President he required everyone he met to refer to him as "your Excellency". Nothing like a little humility to lead a world class organization like the IOC. Sets are really good example for the athletes, don't you think?

Not only did Mr Excellency demand to be addressed with the utmost respect, he also expected to be treated like royalty. If you requested that Mr Excellency visit you city for any type of event or function, then you were required to provide a chauffeured limousine to pick him up. Needless to say the driver was to speak only when spoken to and better had been on time. As for overnight accommodations, you better had called around town ahead of time to make sure that the presidential Suite of the finest hotel in town was available, because that is where Mr Excellency would be staying.

And as Ronco would say... "but wait... there's more!!!"

When Mr Excellency graced your philistine event with his presence, the expectation would be that he would be the last to arrive, the first to be served if it was a dinner event, and the first to leave, with all of the above being announced to the peasants in attendance. And also make sure you briefed everyone on his title, otherwise there would be very little doubt that your city would ever be visited by Mr Excellency or an Olympic event in the immediate future.

In fact, the IOC put an annual rental retainer of $500,000 for the presidential suite at their headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland for his stays there. And you wonder why the budget to host an Olympic event is so high.

So next time you see an athlete get cocky, take a bong hit, or just do something plain stupid, remember the legacy of Mr Excellency and the fine example of behavior that he has displayed for those who follow him....

America sings!

2009-09-30T15:49:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Back in 1969, after previously being turned down by 34 record companies, Don McLean finally signed with a company called Media Arts, and within 2 years had released his classic song "American Pie". This song has been interpreted in many different ways, but I though it might be interesting to see what it would look like if radio host Rush Limbaugh had contributed in writing it. Rush's changes are inserted in the song for your consideration:

(To the tune of American Pie)

A long long time ago
I can still remember how that music used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my show
That I could prove that liberals blow
And maybe they'd be quiet for a while
But January made me shiver
With the Democrats selling us down the river
Bad news on the doorstep
Four years of this Obama schlepp
I can remember that I cried
When I realized my party's slide
And where Obama would reside
The day the Republicans died

So, goodbye, my American Pride
Sold my chevy to fund a levy
But I'm swimming against the tide
And them good old lefty boys will laugh til they cry
Singin' Bush's reign is over, bye-bye
Let's legalize pot and get high

Did you write the new Book of Laws
And do you blindly follow just because
The Democrats told you so
Do you believe big government plans
Will Uncle Sam pay for your health care scans
And can you tell me how to stop this show
Well, I know you've been hypnotized by him
'Cause of your glossy eyes and your stupid grin
You couldn't be any pinker
Because you bought into Barrack hook, line and sinker
I'm now a lonely, middle aged republican buck
With a "W" sticker still on his pickup truck
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the Republicans died
I started singin'

Goodbye, my American Pride
Sold my chevy to fund a levy
But I'm on the wrong side
So those lefty boys shared their pot supply
Now it doesn't seem as bad since I'm high
But I could really go for a hot ham on rye....

Uncut... literally

2009-09-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I was listening to a program by the BBC about the Guinness Book of World Records when I came across the info below.

Longest Fingernails – Female
WHO: Lee Redmond
WHAT: 8 m 65 cm (28 ft 4.5 in)
WHERE : Lo show dei record, Madrid, Spain
WHEN: As of 1979
Lee Redmond (USA), who has not cut her nails since 1979, has grown and carefully manicured them to reach a total length of 8.65 m (28 ft 4.5 in) as measured on the set of Lo show dei record in Madrid, Spain, on 23 February 2008.

Let me get this straight, Ms. Redmond has not cut her nails since the Jimmy Carter administration?

Wow....

A few points here,

I would send Ms. Redmond an email to congratulate her, but unless she has learned to type with her toenails (which I assume are of normal length) there is no way on earth she can get her hands near a keyboard.

And her hair looks nice and shiny, which must be due to Mr. Redmond and his magic scrubbing fingers, as there is very little chance that Ms. Redmond is able to break out the Head & Shoulders and "wash, rinse , repeat" without assistance.

Basically, any day to day task would seem to become very cumbersome, as I would think Ms. Redmond would be so worried about breaking one of her precious nails that she would not be able to hold a knife and fork, a segment of toilet paper, or a martini.

And her make-up looks pretty professionally done, I would probably bet when she is around the house she never slaps any on, otherwise there is a pretty good chance Ms. Redmond would (by now) require the use of an eyepatch.

I would also have to assume that Ms. Redmond has mastered the art of using her nose, teeth, and knuckles to work the ATM. That is if she was able to drive the car to the bank in the first place and get in and out of it.

Anyway, I think you get my point. So congrats on making the Guinness Book, Ms. Redmond. Now can I have your autograph?.........

Or not....

Fairy Tales... uncut

2009-09-24T17:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

While you have been in the halls of Congress fighting against socialism and all things left of center, I starting wondering about fairy tales, in particular the ones Disney made into movies. What were the sources? Did Disney stay true to the original?

Inquiring minds want to know..... Here are two examples...

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Disney version - A princess invokes a curse that on her 16th birthday she will prick her finger on a spinning wheel and die. Curse is altered to eternal sleep if cut and all spinning wheels are outlawed. Cursor leads Princess to spinning wheel on 16th birthday, Princess falls into deep sleep, and Cursor throws Prince into dungeon. Prince escapes, kisses Princess, she awakes, all happy...

Original version - Talia is cursed at birth to be killed by flax. Gets under fingernail as teenager and kills her. Is left on table where local King, hunting nearby, decides to indulge in necrophilia. Nine months later, twins are born, and trying to nurse, suck the flax out from under her fingernail and awaken her from death. He comes back, invites her to palace, where queen decides to serve the twins to him as a meal in revenge. She has the Cook feed them to him in a course of meals, then decides to throw Talia on a fire to burn her to death(again with the death thing !). King discovers this and throws Queen on the fire instead, and her servants for good measure. Before he can cook the Cook, the cook discloses that the kids are still alive and he didn't eat them. Everyone lives happily ever after.

CINDERELLA

Disney version - Beautiful daughter lives with evil stepmother and step-sisters. Gets a wish and goes to ball to meet Prince. Loses slipper running from ball. Prince searches Kingdom for her. Step-sisters try on slipper first and it doesn't fit. Fits her... happily ever after.

Original version - Zezolla (Cinderella) and nanny kill stepmother. Nanny becomes evil stepmother, complete with 6 stepdaughters. Zezolla captures fairy and gets prom clothes. Goes to many balls. Prince falls for her and has help hunt for her. She drops a piaella (1ft tall stiltlike cork-soled galoshes worn over slippers) and scared servant gives to Prince. Prince goes hunting and ends up at Zezolla's house. Stepmother has first daughter cut off big toe to fit into piaella, but blood tips off Prince. Second daughter cuts off part of her heels, but that pesky blood tips off the sharp-witted Prince one more time. Comes back and finds Zezolla. For good measure, the two foot carving step-sisters are blinded for being so jealous of their kin folk. Almost everyone lives happily ever after.

I think Disney took a few liberties in post producton... don't you?

Turn ... turn... turn... turn..... NOW!!!

2009-09-21T15:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I was driving through our district this weekend when I came across a left hand turn signal with two turn lanes. Now, about twenty years ago it was pretty much unheard of to have more than one designated turn lane for a left hand turn in America. However, as populations have grown and the number of vehicles on the road exploded exponentially over the last few years, more and more intersection have the dual turning arrows of modern day efficiency glowing above the asphalt surfaces in question.

Which leads to an interesting point (at least for me it is interesting). How come no one has come up with a guide for how to figure out which lane to use? Surely there should be some statistic study that could lend direction as to what lane would have the best probability of getting you to your ultimate destination in a more timely manner.

Since I could find no such beast, I decided I would take a stab at it. Remember, the purpose of this exercise is to get you to your final destination quickest and without causing damage to your vehicle or any of the ones around you....

RULE ONE: If there is a single car in one of the lanes then use the other lane.
This one is a no-brainer, unless you have reason to be in the other lane within the next quarter mile, you can easily get over if there is light traffic.

RULE TWO: If there is a car in each lane ahead of you, avoid the lane with the "blue-hair". Willie Nelson made the song "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain" popular in the mid-seventies, but these days it should be sung as Mojo Nixon rewrote it "Blue hairs driving in my lane". With that said, I have nothing but respect for senior members of our society, but some of them drive more like Cheech and Chong then A.J. Foyt. If you are pulling up behind a car that is an older model Cadillac or Buick and you can barely see the head of the person over the back of the front seat, you are potentially situating yourself behind a "blue-hair" and have a higher than average probability of sitting through the light for two cycles when their reaction time causes the light to change back to red before you can get to it.

RULE THREE: If there is a car in each lane, avoid the lane with a older car with a temporary license plate. Pulling up behind a brand new mini-van or sedan with temporary tags instead of a license plate can serve you well, as the new car owner is always tempted to show the person next to him/her how zippy their new ride is, but when if you pull up behind a rust bucket on its last legs with a temporary tag, this probably indicates that the last time that car did zero to sixty in under thirty seconds was when Ronald Reagan could still remember to wear black shoes with a blue suit. Nine times out of ten if you pull up behind this car if will prove to be faster if you actually got out and pushed it through the intersection then if you wait for it to clear it on its own.

RULE FOUR: If there are four or five cars in one of the lanes and only one in the other, there is probably a reason for it. You could be setting yourself up to be caught behind a temp tagger or a blue-hair special, so look long and hard before making your decision on this one. However, since the advent and growth of cellular communications, sometimes this anomaly will occur due to the other drivers having more important things to do than operating their vehicles, such as gossip and/or discuss who should have been booted off the show on whatever reality TV show happened to be on television the night before.

RULE FIVE: If there are more than four vehicles in each lane, avoid the one with the large truck in it. These marvels of modern commerce might be great for keeping food in the supermarket and gas in the fuel stations, but a fully loaded truck trumps a temp tagger and a blue hair every time. They are pretty much like a Saturn Five rocket taking off, plenty fast once they got up a head of steam but snail race slow out of the gates.

Anyway, that should get the discussion started, hopefully when Congress has finally gotten past that pesky health insurance and bank regulation issues then important topics such as the one I have raised today can be debated and acted upon.....

J'aime la musique

2009-09-17T15:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

During the course of my work day my department occasionally receives bankruptcy notices from companies that we do business with on a day to day basis. In most cases they are chapter 11 filings, which is a methodology that allows the company to re-organize their debt structure via the bankruptcy courts and re-emerge with a lighter debt load. If this does not work, they file chapter 7, which in US Federal court (all bankruptcies are a Federal, not State matter) means that they are throwing their hands in the air, saying "uncle", and giving up the business, at which time the company assets are all sold off to pay off all the creditors to the extent that there is cash generated to do so.

So you say "thanks for the bankruptcy lesson, Rich... but why do I care?"

Because today I received a bankruptcy notice from a company that has terrorized the general public of this (and many other) countries for many, many years. The shame of the matter is that they are only filing chapter 11, which means they plan on trying to stay in business, rather than implode like a black hole, since they suck the life out of any person who is familiar with their mindless product. One could only hope that they eventually have to file as a chapter 7, though the banal services and goods they provide to the planet's population would not produce any income for the creditors of this firm. And in the same breath... shame on you for lending them money in the first place, creditors !!! For supporting this farce of business for so long and inducing migraines worldwide from dealing with their product, you deserve to lose every nickel you sank into this disgrace.

What company could be so horrible as to be such a blight on the face of humankind? That would be a little outfit called Muzak Holdings LLC. If you are not acquainted with this company, their product is commonly referred to as "elevator music". Yes, these are the hucksters that take a perfectly good song and turn them into zombie versions of themselves complete with string sections and muted horn instruments, so as not to disrupt productivity of the working public. Heaven forbid that someone actually taps their foot to a song while typing a memo. It would be the end of the world!!!!

So join me in reciting :
Muzak is broke
it must be a joke!
It isn't you say?
Well, what a great day!

A team ... a team... my kingdom for a team

2009-09-15T02:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

No doubt you are also in shock over the continued ability of our hometown football team, the Cincinnati Bengals, to again manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. It was proven once and for all this last Sunday that the football gods have squarely placed their deity feet on the back of the Bengals, in an endless cycle of "keeping the team down".

Except, usually in a cycle pattern, luck and fate with occasionally throw you a bone, in the form of a winning season with a playoff win or two... but not in this case. The Bengals have made the playoffs once in the last 19 years, in 2005, only to be unceremoniously dumped out by the Pittsburgh Steelers when quarterback Carson Palmer was injured on one of the first plays of the game.

And now on Sunday, while leading 7-6 with 38 seconds left in the game and the opponent Denver Broncos pinned back on their own 10 yard line, the Bengals give up what is now being called "the immaculate deflection", where a pass was batted away from the intended receiver, only to be caught by another receiver in the same general vicinity and who then ran down the field for a game winning touchdown.

I am still sick to my stomach.....

I like to describe the Bengals as having a girlfriend who constantly cheats on you. It might take a few weeks into the season before you catch on, but she will eventually break your heart, usually before the mid-point of the season.

Then you dump her for the rest of the football season, occasionally glancing at the sports highlights on the news or reading the Monday morning newspaper sports page to see how they did, but not donating any quality time to the relationship, cemented in your commitment that this time you are leaving her for good and not turning back.

And then next July, training camp opens up and you again let them back into your life, confident that this year it will be different. She has changed her ways. She will be faithful to you. She will be a winner! And then by NFL week four, the team is usually off to a 1-3 start and you have again been cheated on...

Like the shampoo bottle says... lather, rinse, repeat.....

Dude, where's my pub?

2009-09-11T03:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Back in the late seventies I was a long haired teenager of sixteen and living in England, where I attended both American Community School (ACS)- Wimbledon and then ACS-Knightsbridge for my first two years of high school. Living in England allowed me to make new friends and explore the many centuries of history that were available to see on a day-to-day basis, making London one of my favorite cities in the world to this day. Plus, originally being born in the UK meant I had roots there, making it more of a family event on holidays such as Christmas, when we could visit and stay with relatives that we would normally just call with seasons greetings rather than making jolly with them.

I made many friends while attending the ACS schools, and as teenagers, you could probably guess that a favorite activity was to visit any of the numerous pubs and sample the local wares. I know... the drinking age in England is 18, you say... but it was not strictly enforced and as long as you were not too loud or causing trouble there was no problem in getting served.

One of our favorite areas to haunt was the King's Road area in Chelsea, where the World's End Pub, the Chelsea Potter, and the Chelsea Drugstore were well known to us. Of the three, you have probably heard of the Chelsea Drugstore, courtesy of the lyrics of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones. I remembered the Chelsea Drugstore as having that Austin Powers type look, with a modern exterior and equally modern settings inside. So back in 2006 when my wife and I last stayed in London, I dragged her up the King's Road on a mini-pub crawl to visit the premises.

Only I could not find it. Instead, I found this...

I was confused. It had the same strange architecture and adjoining courtyard that I remember from my high school days, but instead of serving lager and lime they are now serving Big Mac and fries. If you look closely at the front entrance on the right hand side, you will clearly see the golden arches of the McDonald's corporate logo hanging out front of the Chelsea Drugstore.

Needless to say, I was floored. This is progress? Next thing you know they will be handing out a knighthood to Mick Jagger....

Oh wait... it is Sir Mick, isn't it.

I didn't know whether to cry or buy some McDonald's stock. Maybe I should do both.

To quote the Talking Head's "If this is paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower"

Oh waiter!

2009-09-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

It appears that it is a tradition for the highest draft pick rookie to buy a dinner for the members of the NFL San Diego Chargers after completion of training camp.

This year it was Larry English, a player drafted from Northern Illinois who was given the honor of coughing up for a free meal for his very large and very hungry teammates. So you would think, say.. if you took your entire team to TGI Fridays that 53 people x $50 each would give you a bill of about $2,650 with a 15% tip added in... make it $3,050. A lot of money, no doubt, but since Mr. English signed a 5 year deal with an up front bonus of $20 million plus, it should not be too much of a strain on his wallet.

However, this is the National Football League, and these monster-sized eating machines can do a lot more damage to a restaurant than your normal every-day diner. One of Mr. English's teammates took a picture of the final bill and posted it on the Internet.

$ 14,508.67

Wow, that works out to $274 per player. That is an amazing feat in itself, unless the average entrée costs over $100 each, and that is not a restaurant that I have spent a lot of time inside. Even at $60 average entrée price you would still need to each 3 each per play to run up that kind of bill.

All I can say to that is .... well done, San Diego Chargers....

Can you imagine the fear generated if you are the owner of an all you can each lunch buffet and you see the San Diego Chargers team bus pull up in front of your place? In all likelihood they would consume the furniture and fixtures once they had obliterated the fully stocked buffet counters. Four visits by them and you would be filing Chapter 11 at the Federal Courthouse quicker than Rep. Joe Wilson can spot an illegal immigrant.

Corporate College defrauding 101

2009-09-08T02:40:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Back here in the burbs of your fine constituency, we are still fighting our way through the great recession the best ways that we can. Many people have had to cut back on different entertainment venues, so the television in the corner of the room has been getting a fairly substantial workout in most households.

In fact, I had mine on this weekend and saw an interesting commercial. As usual for this time of year, it was a "back to school" ad for a major US retailer starring a college freshman and his mother as they happily equip and supply his dormitory room with items purchased directly at a discounted everyday price from the aforementioned retailer.

But it did raise a comment.

The dorm room. Wow... it was huge. I am over 20 years removed from my university days, so maybe I lack perspective. Are all dorm rooms that big nowadays? I remember dorm rooms were of a size only slightly larger than those available at Pelican Bay State Penitentiary, with just enough room for two beds and "mini-desks" for those who actually get round to studying while at school. Is this one of the shovel ready projects that the stimulus package is funding? And that window overlooking the campus. That room has almost as much glass as Schuller's Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, CA.

I'm impressed, but skeptical. If all dorm rooms were like this one, there would be no room left on campus for classrooms. Colleges would be overrun with extremely habitable but educationally challenging space constraints as all class would be held in the parking lots surrounding the campus. The Professor's Union would strike for better working conditions, as the weather forecast becomes a major consideration of their lesson planing and incidents of skin cancer goes through the roof.

All because a major retailer wanted to sell a few more linens....

This day in history

2009-08-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I thought today that I would give you a brief run down on this day in history. Not that August 28 is really famous for that much, but I couldn't come up with anything else to write about, so this is it.

If you were part of the Lenape Indian tribe hanging out with your buddies at the shoreline of Poutaxat Bay in 1609, you were fairly shocked to see Henry Hudson sailing into view on the Half Moon and to eventually find out you were actually hanging out at Delaware Bay.

If you were a slave in an English colony on August 27, 1883 then you were no longer one today, as on this day slavery was banned by Parliament throughout the British Empire.

Today is a day of mourning for fans of all audio/visual media world-wide because in 1922 Queensboro Realty Company coughed up $100 to WEAF radio in New York City and then proceeded to spend 10 minutes of airtime touting the luxury of their new Hawthorne Apartment complex in the first commercial ever. The world has never been the same since.

Manuel Laureano Rodriguez Sanchez, aka Manolete, was considered one of Spain's greatest bullfighters of all time. But as Paul Gleason's character in the movie "The Breakfast Club" so aptly stated "You mess with the bull, you get the horns" came to pass for Manolete in Linares,Spain on this day in 1947 when, after defeating one bull earlier in the day, the second bullfight did not go as planned. Manolete managed to thrust his sword deep into the bull for the "estocada" to end the fight, however the bull had other ideas and before dying decided to implant a horn deeply into the bullfighter's right thigh, causing him to die later that day from the severe loss of blood that ensued. Final score: Manolete 2, Bulls 1.

In 1972, it was man-style to wear tight swimsuits, a large bushy mustache and to be able to swim fast, as Mark Spitz did all three to win his first gold medal in the 200 meter butterfly. Mark went on to win 6 more gold medals in Munich that year, and then went on to make millions pimping everything from Wheaties to razors to milk. It is unknown whether or not he has ever taken a bong hit, however....

John W. Hinkley was in court on this day in 1981, as the United States Justice system and the rest of the planet were rather interested as to why he thought Jodi Foster would be impressed with him if he tried to pump Ronald Reagan full of lead. Ronnie survived, Jodi moved on, and John pleaded not guilty, to which he eventually was found not guilty, but was awarded lifetime room and board in a white padded room as his reward.

And tragically, if you are a fan of airshows, this was not the day to be at one in 1988 in Ramstein, Germany as an Italian Air Force jet collided with 2 other jets while performing a flyby stunt. All three jets crashed and killed there pilots, with one of them careening into the crowd, killing 67 of them and injuring over 300, mainly due to burns caused by the aviation fuel. Yikes!

Poems from the dark side

2009-08-27T16:09:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I think I have finally learned to rhyme .... sort of....

Angst for a moment lost

Ignoring the drugs that killed Elvis
and a diagnosis of many things flawed
I attempt to articulate feelings
but am mute, self contained, and a fraud

"I am not heartless and cold"
is the shrill echoing off my distant mental playground
the only true audience to my pain
is the self loathing in which I am attempting to drown

But I can only stare in awe
enamored by your calm and inner peace
as all around me are anxiety and fear
as I plead that you will be my release

It was not to be that time
nor every, if history lends guide
And I dismount the emotional ramparts I erected
and curse an opportunity denied

Suffering anew a wound once patched
I encounter it's venom claw at my spine
awakened from the time coma
and back for awhile, I am resigned

It must be love

2009-08-26T18:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Recently I received the following email that I believe is going to change my life forever.

It read as follows:

Hello my friend!!!
This letter arrived to you from Russian Internet dating agency " Land of Love ".
This is not spam or other bad things. So, please, answer to me!!!
My name is Alisa. I'm 27 years old from Neya, Russia.
I have decided to change my life, and to find the man for me. The man for serious attitudes.
I addressed to agency " Land of Love " and they sent my letter to you.
I want to search man from USA for friendship or love.
I very much like the country USA, and I very much wish to visit this great country.
I'm not married and have no children.
This is my photo. I hope that you like it and will answer to me.

Please, answer only to my personal e-mail:

Best regards,
Yours Alisa.

This was my reply....

Dear Alisa,

Hello yourself!!! I must say I did not expect your email, as I don't remember sending any information to the Russian Internet dating agency "Land of Love". Are you sure it wasn't from the "Ugly, obese, unpleasant, American Sexist Pigs looking for hot, young, ignorant, foreign women to exploit Agency", because I am a card carrying member of that fine organization. But hey, maybe it just translate differently into Russian than into English.

I am glad to hear that this is not "spam or other bad things". I am so tired of other bad things occurring, but since my court appointed attorney told me not to speak about them until after the trial is finished, I will not go into any detail here.

I think I might be the man you are looking for, as I have been told on many occasions that I have a serious attitude problem, so this fits right in with your search for "serious attitudes".

As for "searching man from USA for friendship and love", I am sure that when we meet you will find that I fit this criteria as well, because due to my 450+ lb size it would take you a considerable amount of time to find anything on me due to the folds of fat tissue all over my body. Think of the fund we can have while you try!!!!

I must ask, however, that you resend the picture that was attached to the email. For some reason I cannot get it to open properly, as my computer crashed all three times I tried.

But I truly believe that we are meant to be together, because within a day of each crash someone has charged several thousand dollars to my credit card at a bar in ... guess where!... Moscow, Russia!!! If that is not a sign from the heavens that we are destined for each other than I don't know what is....

Anyway, please forward a new picture and write back soon.

Regards and looking forward to fun times together,

Reginald Snerd

For more information, dial...

2009-08-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

This weekend my wife and I decided to drive into central Kentucky and go hiking at Natural Bridge State Park. It is only about 2 1/2 hours drive from Cincinnati and this time of year it is beautiful with the many shades of green that nature provides as scenery. However, a couple of notes:

The last 40 miles to the park are traveled on the Bluegrass Memorial Parkway, which until recently was titled Kentucky State Route 402. This leads to the question... why the name change to include "Memorial"? Did all the bluegrass in Kentucky die and no one bothered to make a press release? As Kentucky is the "Bluegrass State", I think it would have been headline news in the local papers if this was the case, but not word one when I googled it.

Also, on three separate occasions we came across a sign before a bridge announcing that we were crossing the Red River. Now the first two times I saw the sign I thought "gee... quite a winding river!". But the third time in 10 miles I start to think. "Okay, they must be different rivers and the inhabitants of this county are so unoriginal that they named every creek, brook, stream, or puddle the "Red River". Fortunately, we arrived at our exit before a fourth occurrence of the "Red River" phenomena, otherwise I would have started to question my own sanity.

Lastly, they had numerous signs on the highway that boasted you could tune to a certain AM wavelength for traffic and/or tourist information. I would be exaggerating if I said I saw more than 30 cars during the entire 40 miles on the "Bluegrass Memorial Parkway". As I did not tune into the information on this AM station I can only imagine what they would be reporting on, but hey, it's my blog, so here is my best guess.

(sound of background static normally association with AM radio)
Hi travelers and welcome to Parkway radio, your guide to the pathway to the Kentucky Natural Bridge and destinations beyond. I'm Ranger Smith and first up is Bob Meeker with the daily buzzard report. Bob?

(voice in a barely understandable local drawl) Hey Ranger, the last report shows a large group hovering near the intersection of Rabid Raccoon Run and Possum Tail Trail so I gotta figure there's somethin' dead in the area. Back to you.

Thanks Bob, and now it is time for "Cookin' with Cooki". What's today's dish Cooki?

(voice in a barely understandable female local drawl) Well bless you, Ranger Smith and say hello to that wonderful mama of yours for me when you go home tonight! As for today's dish, I just got off the phone with Joe Beau Bob and he beat the buzzards to the roadkill that Bob Meeker was tracking so it looks like we'll be serving Pooch Pie Stew tonight at the diner. Come on down and have a bowl while we got it! Oh, yeah, and condolences to Jenni Mae on the loss of her beloved pet bloodhound "George". Back to you, dear.

Thanks Cooki. Sounds like good eatin' tonight at the Bucksnort Diner!

Recession poetry

2009-08-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

A short poem for your unfortunate constituents...

“Have a seat”
I sat in silence
“Do you know why you are here”
I shook my head
“There’s no easy way to say this”
I worried
“We have to let you go”
I panicked
“You’ll get severance”
I sighed
“Today is your last day”
I cried
"We very sorry"
I doubted
"If there is anything we can do"
I asked
"I'll check with Human Resources"
I rolled my eyes
"Someone will be escorting you out"
I bristled
"If there were any other way"
I was skeptical
"Good luck"
I need it.

You can call me Al

2009-08-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Today we should discuss a topic that seems to divide our country into camps of believers and non-believers, each stuck fast in their own view of the world and unable or unwilling to listen to the views of outside parties. The topic causes people to vehemently fight over who is speaking the truth and who is an ungainly heretic who will burn in hell for all eternity for speaking such nonsense.

I am speaking of course about "global warming".

Actually, global warming is the term we use here in America, but is probably a misnomer. In listening to the BBC World Service, I have noticed that the European term for this debated phenomina is "climate change". If we think about it, this probably is a better term, as there are continually streams of people who love to point out that all of this future doom and gloom business is bunk.

I watched Al Gore's movie "An Inconvient Truth" several years ago and came away finding it informative but, how would you say, a bit sensational. I felt like if his vision of the future of the planet came to be that I could stop using my oven, as I could very easily flash fry my veggies on the sidewalk outside my house using a wok.

But one thing did stick with me from his message. The amount of carbon in the atmosphere has increased significantly since the start of the industrial revolution. This is something that is measurable and verifiable.

So the question would be: what will be the ultimate effect of all this extra carbon? Will we get a greenhouse effect and work on our tans? Or will Mother Nature use reverse pschology and plunge us into the next ice age? Or will the weather just become more extreme? Or... will it be a status quo?

Many claim that the extra carbon is heating up the atmosphere in a kind of greenhouse effect. I have been in a greenhouse or two, but they don't really compare to the atmosphere of an entire planet.

However, I do know is that sticking your head in the sand is not an answer, even if you don't think there is a question.

Please consult a physician

2009-08-17T15:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Sorry about my recent absence from the blog, but between work and probate I had to take a few weeks off to catch up on life activities. Now back to the blog...

I am sure in D.C. when you are done stonewalling health care crazed democrats and tolerating ex-politicians turned grinning lobbyists you occasionally kick back in the office with a cold brew and a smoke while turning on the mindless drool-inducing content of television. And if you pay attention to the commercials there will invariably be a local doctor running his/her low budget commercial for his/her medical practice.

There is one ad that runs here in Cincinnati on a regular basis where the doctor in question talks about his qualifications, wearing that all calming white smock matched with an unnerving smile. I will not mention his name or specialty, as in today's litigious society I have no wish to spend money on a lawyer to defend my right to free speech, but this doctor has one characteristic that will ensure that I will never have need of his services (yes, he is a he)

In a nutshell, the doctor looks he could be either Siegfried or Roy. I personally am a Marcus Welby, MD kind of patient, wanting my doctor to look like he has had years of experience to impart wisdom but not so old as to argue with me about the benefits of bloodletting. However, I draw the line at having someone stand over me with a scalpel while I am drifting into an drug induced comatose state who sports a "business in the front, party in the back" hairdo and sounds like a poorman's Arnold, all the while being unsettled by the sound of tigers roaring just outside the door to the surgical suite.

Maybe I am just picky, but would you want to be operated on by a doctor who drums up business by running ads during The Simpsons or Southpark?

12 Rules of Employee Relations by Leona Hemsley (Part 2)

2009-07-31T06:12:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I realize you have been waiting at the edge of your chair for the second part of the list, so ... here it is.

7. Do not retaliate against employees who communicate harassment / discrimination / whistleblower concerns. Yes, even little old me has trouble with this one, but it is much more satisfying to have the lawyers counter-sue the rat fink so their legal fees leave them heating ramen noodles on a camping stove under the downtown overpass, rather than the few moments of glee that comes when security throwing them out on the sidewalk. Eventually, you can fire them for cause because they are showing up late and smelling like Pepe la Pew's nephew, and then have a security guard on loan from the WWE throw them out of the building.

8. Conduct true and complete performance evaluations. If is patently unfair to the sniveling suck-ups underneath you to not let them know that they are in fact human versions of lice. And do this in an oral setting, as for some unknown reason if you write anything down someone might have the actual audacity and gall to ask you for a raise. The nerve of some people!

9. Consistent and prompt disciplinary actions. Since my attorney has again reminded me that physical disciplining of employees is problematic, I will reluctantly state for the record that though slower acting, verbal disciplining can also be effective in controlling the incompetent miscreants you have been forced to hire. Make sure you intermix a calm smiling demeanor every now and then when dressing them down, as this will keep them off guard and unprepared for the next shouting session. Also, when disciplining, make sure you are shouting within three to six inches of their face, as the invasion of their personal space tends to make them more uncomfortable then a mortgage salesman in church...

10. Be an active vs. reative supervisor. Another good management point. Don't wait for something obvious to happen to get up in the inferior flunky's face. Be creative and find that spot on their tie, smudge on the morning paper, or even a pimple that they did not manage to cover up with makeup, and then let them know what it is like to fail miserably at even the most menial of tasks.

11. Provide competivite rates and benefits. I know this is difficult, but you will not succeed without doing this. It is a fact of life in business so you must suck it up and do it! By doing this I rarely ever get complaints from customers that they did not get value for their money. So make sure you are not being undercut by your competition down the street, and set your hotel rates at a price that still says classy but doesn't send the upper middle class customer running away. Plus you can just make up the difference by severely underpaying your staff.

12. Reductions in Force : My favorite event. Have fun with this one, as it the only time with any certainty that you will see grown men cry. One of my favorites is to line up the employees like soldiers and slowly walk up and down the line holding the pink slips. (And yes, for this occasion I will have them printed in pink.) After two or three times up and down the line start handing them out. A nice technique is to hand out two in a row, watch them walk off sobbing, and then skip several people and hand out two more. Then turn around and go back to the ones you skipped and lower the hammer on them. Tears o' plenty!

12 Rules of Employee Relations by Leona Hemsley (Part 1)

2009-07-30T04:43:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Recently with the passing of the hotel magnate, Leona Hemsley, it was discovered in her personal papers a guide she had written (presumably in blood) for her managers on employee relations. As you have a fairly big staff yourself, I thought it would be helpful to see what insight Ms. Hemsley had on this delicate issue.

1. Foster a good relationship with your employees: And oh how loyal they will be! Simply remember to let them know on a regular basis just how you feel about their performance, from their complete lack of class to their slovenly appearance to their inability to complete tasks that a chimpanzee could do in it's sleep.

2. Listen Listen Listen : This is the line you should use when addressing them, since most of the time your inferiors do not seem to grasp this simple command. For example, when you told them to make sure the roses in the vases next to the check in desk were all the same height, you did not say 1/2 or 1/4 inch different, you said the same height. You can never scream this at your dim-witted workers enough, unless they are deaf, and then you need to have someone make you a large card you can put in their face.

Wait a minute? I hired a deaf person??? I'll be back after I talk to that worthless HR director downstairs....

3. Provide Feedback : This can be done using simple and direct phrases that the uneducated and ignorant worker can comprehend. I find that "you suck", "somewhere there must be a village wondering where it's idiot is", and "did you mommy and daddy have any children that actually survived?" are effect feedback comments that allow the worker to truly understand their place in the company hierarchy.

4. Problem Solve: I do this one on a daily basis. Here's a simple rule to make sure problems get solved before they get to you. If an employee comes to you with a problem that is not already solved to your satisfaction, fire them. Simple... direct... and never fails to bring a ray of sunshine into an otherwise drab day. Plus you don't have to give that lay-about ex-employee any more of your hard earned money anymore, do you? Hell, you might as well just give it to the government instead. (as per my attorney has advised I do in the future)

5. Enforce your workplace harassment/discrimination policy: Because the sooner they get use to it the better. If they start to think they are being singled out then they also start to fill their feeble brains with the idea that they can quit, hire some two-bit lawyer, and try to dip their hand in your pocket. No way, I say! Treat everyone like dirt, even if you like them. If you treat everyone like shoe lint then you are not harassing or discriminating against anyone. That is just the rules of the house. Trust me, you'll thank me for this one!

6. Avoid knee jerk reactions to workplace complaints: Whereas it is a great release to shout, scream, and generally eviscerate a mindless ignoramus who allows the tea to slosh onto the saucer while serving, it is best not to demonstrate this attribute in front of the customers, because history has shown that the customers might be dim-witted, pinko-commie liberals who would start screaming for workers rights if they stumbled upon a beehive or a termite mound. No, it is best to wait until you are in an area that is out of earshot of those pesky customers, maybe right in the middle of his dullard co-workers, and then cut loose on him like a pit bull after a pork chop!

Ye Olde Job Faire

2009-07-28T08:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

A pretty good indication of the difficulties surrounding the economy in our local area is best demonstrated by one of the local paper's business headlines:

WILMINGTON - The 20th Annual Ohio Renaissance Festival holds a job fair noon-3 p.m. Saturday and Sunday at the festival office located at 317 Brimstone Road.

Organizers are looking for part-time workers to sell food, beverages, souvenirs and operate games. No experience is required.

Applicants must be available for a dress rehearsal Aug. 29 and 30 and work all festival weekends from Sept. 5 to Oct. 25, including Labor Day.

For information, visit www.renfestival.com/employment, or call 513-897-7000.

Normally, I would expect to see someone along the lines of General Electric winning an engine order or even a small manufacturing company moving in into the Cincinnati suburbs and creating 100 local jobs. But bannering part time work at the renaissance festival? Isn't that where the "free credit report.com" band ended up working?

One other thing, there is a minimum requirement to work these things. You must be able to demonstrate that you can replicate an English accent almost as badly as the classic botch cockney accent job performed by Dick Van Dyke in the film "Mary Poppins". If not, then they shove a turkey drumstick in your left hand and require you to make pirate-like sounds as you prance around in green tights and generally annoy the visiting public.

Rather than hiring all these extra cast members, I have a better idea to increase the gate for the event. Want to have a large crowd at the Renaissance festival? Simple, as George Carlin would have recommended, just have a daily Spanish Inquisition tent that the unluckiest participant is then sacrificed in the nightly "burn the heretic" bonfire. Attendance would quadruple, guaranteed!

Thank you sir, may I have another F-22!

2009-07-27T02:53:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I read last week that the Senate had voted to remove a $1.75 billion clause from the defense bill to strip funding for 7 additional F-22 advanced fighter planes. This was done in part due to the lobbying of the President and a threat to veto the entire defense bill if it was not done. The defense secretary, Robert Gates, and the Pentagon top brass had requested they be removed as they were superfluous to current military requirements.

But since this program supplies a boat load of jobs to a large group of states, and the defense lobbyists worked overtime on this, many Senators were pushing for it to stay in the bill.

My favorite would have to be Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia. To quote from his speech on the floor of the Senate in regards to the Department of Defense's request to have the order for the additional aircraft removed from the bill:

"So to come here and say that, well, DOD didn't request any F-22's and therefore we are to salute and go marching on is something we've never done, we did not do in this bill and we should not have done."

I'm having just a little trouble understanding what the honorable Senator from Georgia's point is. My first thought was that Sen. Chambliss is of the opinion that his capable staff is more in tune with the future needs and requirements of the United States military then the 23,000 people who work at the Pentagon. If so, that is one heck of a staff that Senator Chambliss has put together and should be recruited to consult on other urgent matters, like fixing my 401(k) or cleaning up public restrooms in all gas stations on freeway offramps....

Another school of thought is that Sen. Chambliss is simply stating that as a US Senator he is not subject to the wishes of any other department and they are not entitled to tell him how and why to spend the US taxpayers money. Think of it like this: you walk into the ice cream store, ask for a scoop of chocolate, and then are told by the manager of the store that he decides who gets what, and instead gives you a cone of butternut. A sort of Seinfeld "Soup Nazi" of politics.....

Or the final theory, maybe there is a more local motive for Sen. Chambliss to defend these unwanted aircraft. When I perused the web pages of Lockheed Martin, the builder of the F-22, I found the following information.

Marietta, Georgia
The company’s site in Marietta, Ga., is home to the C-130J Super Hercules transport and the F-22 Raptor air dominance fighter.

So with that knowledge, I think Sen. Chambliss really meant to say the following:

"So to come here and say that, well, DOD didn't request any F-22's that are built in my state by voting taxpayers is something I've never done, I did not do in this bill and unless I want to get voted out of office, will never do..."

More Boston ....

2009-07-23T04:30:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Since I leave for Boston tomorrow, here are a few more fun facts courtesy of Boston.com. Well, parts of the comments are from Boston.com.

Everyone knows about the Boston Tea Party and Paul Revere. There are a few guys in eastern China who have read about them at the library once.

But did you know that Boston is home to the country's first public school? School lunch ladies all across America salute you, Boston!

Check out these interesting facts about Boston that you might not learn from your tour guide. Why, are they instructed to hold back the good stuff?

From 1659 to 1681, it was against the law to celebrate Christmas in Boston because the pilgrims thought it was debauched. Instead of now, which it is pretty much just crass commercialism with only a little debauchery mixed in.

Logan International Airport is built almost entirely on top of land that, before a landfill project, used to be Boston Harbor. So, before it was Logan, it was land called Boston Harbor? Boy, that's confusing. Why wasn't it simply called Bostonland?

If you don't include college students, only about 600,000 people reside in Boston. Why not include college students? I know they can be a bit irritating, what with all the binge drinking and loud music, but last time I checked they were included in the US census.

The average price for a bowl of New England clam chowder in Boston restaurants is $4.40. Another $2.50 if you want a spoon and $3.75 for a bowl ....

Nearly 70 percent of housing units in Boston are occupied by renters rather than owners. And let me guess, all of them are maintained perfectly and the renters are all solid citizens, or at a minimum they are rented to all those college students I keep hearing about.

A two-bedroom apartment in Boston costs $1,343/month, on average. Them is some pretty affluent college students living in them apartments.

At 90 feet below the surface, the Ted Williams Tunnel is the deepest in North America. Did they bury him in it? Except of course his head, which is in a cryonics chamber in an undisclosed location, probably near Dick Chaney's undisclosed location.

Before a landfill project started in 1857, the Back Bay area of Boston was a 570 acre body of water. And tea, no doubt....

Only 34 of Boston's 840 restaurants serve fast food. The rest take their sweet time to get around to serving it to you, because their employees are all disinterested college students.

About 250,000 college students live in Boston. Again with the freakin college students. I am beginning to think the author of these fun facts goes fishing for co-eds on the weekend...

The Big Dig created about 80 miles of underground lanes in a 7.5-mile corridor. And if my math is right, for 1 mile of Big Dig costing $275,000,000, you could rent the average apartment at $1,343 a month for about 17,000 years....

More than 18 million people visit Boston every year. Probably to gawk at the 250,000 college students.

In the fall and spring of 2002, the Boston Parks and Recreation Department planted 622 trees citywide. A little suggestion here, if you had planted 63 trees a year for 10 years you probably would have saved on all the overtime pay...

March 10, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the very first phone call in history from his Boston machine shop. The call was to his assistant, Thomas A. Watson, in which Bell chimed, from down the hall, "Watson come here, I want you!" And the next time he made a call, the Boston city government had already figured out a way to tax it!

So now that I have fully dissed Boston, I will have to visit and see if I have to eat my words!

Visualize This

2009-07-22T04:31:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I was driving through your district the other day returning from a much needed trip to the grocery store when I pulled up behind a car waiting for the traffic device to convert to a color that would allow me to continue my journey without attracting the attention of the local constabulary. This vehicle, while neither a Saab nor a Volvo, did have a characteristic normally associated with those particular chassis types. On the lower left hand bumper it had a bumper sticker that stated proudly:

"Visual World Peace"

This was a very popular banner in the days before the Iraqi invasion, replaced now by American flags and "support our troops" yellow ribbon press-on decals. But it has one fundamental flaw that is best explained utilizing schoolyard grammar:

"Ain't never gonna happen"

Very direct, I know, but the sooner we realize this, the better. Conflict is just much more interesting then bliss. For instance, what happens on soap operas to couples that are in blissful situations? They split them up and make them sworn enemies, battling without mercy over child custody and/or shared lovers. Why was the TV show "Dallas" so popular in the late 70's? One reason: JR Ewing, the villain.

We simply thrive on conflict. I have stated for years that if we all dressed the same, wore the same clothes, drove the same cars, and smiled all the time (as some groups would have us do), then all the windows of all buildings on all the floors above the ground floor would have bars on them to prevent us from jumping to our deaths, as the majority of the human race would end up suicidal within a short period of time . Human nature abhors a vacuum, and it considers constant happiness a Hoover.

But hey, it is after all just human nature. Cause lets face it, if Bruce Willis had starred in "Live Soft" instead of "Die Hard", no one would have even showed up for the premier.

So get rid of the "Visual World Peace", and replace it with "Visual Global Non-lethal Conflict"

The strangest thing

2009-07-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

As I made you aware yesterday, Melody and I are off for a weekend in Boston in a few days to trade tall talls and brag about children with some fellow grads of the American School of Paris.

As my mum passed away this last February, we have been very busy with trying to get her condo ready for sale by emptying the contents, most being donated to local charities as we did not feel like having an estate sale and haggling over prices during a sad time in our lives. So we gave away most items and dug through the personal items she kept of our past lives as a family.

Melody went through a box of personal items that my sister had set aside to see if she could find anything related to my days at the American School of Paris. During this search she found something that she did not expect to find....

a guide to the historic city of Boston, from 1964....

Now, as background, in 1964 I was a year old and we were living in Yorkshire, UK , in the house in which I was born. Since my parents were young and poor with two children at the time, I have doubts that they secretly jumped across the pond for a fun filled weekend in BeanTown.

Also, as far as I can recollect, my mother never visited Boston in her lifetime, or never even talked about Boston.

So here we are, my wife looking through a box to find anything related to my high school in Paris for a reunion in Boston, and all she finds is a 1964 guide to Boston....

Weird.....

The Great Boston invasion

2009-07-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

In a few more days some of my fellow classmates from the early eighties at the American School of Paris are planning to invade the Financial district Hilton for the weekend and have a class reunion. I am sure by now the Boston riot police have already been put on alert for this rowdy crowd of mid-forties adults that plan to wreck havoc on the town's liquor supply.

To prepare for this trip, I thought it only prudent to do some research on facts about Boston, as my only previous experience with this city has been extensive stopovers at Logan Airport. In fact, when I left Paris in June of 1981 to move to Texas, my flight was into Logan on now defunct TWA, then on to Dallas on now defunct Braniff. And they lost my luggage.... which goes a long way to explaining why they are both no longer operating as airlines.

Anyway, back to Boston facts..

Boston has eight sister cities, one of which is Melbourne, Australia. So, Bruce England, even though you can not make to the get together, at least your place of residence is twinned, so have a drink and make a toast to us, and we will return the favor.

The Boston subway is the oldest in the United States, built in 1897. Now this is pretty efficient considering Edison only rolled out the incandescent light bulb around 1880, and I would dread to think what the subways would have been like with kerosene lamps.

Of course, you can't mention Boston currently without thinking of "the Big Dig", the re-routing of I-93 under the city. Estimated to cost $6billion (1985 adjusted for inflation), all told it will end up costing a total of $22 billion, or $36,123.43 per resident of Boston. Barney Franke summed it up well before the project even started:
"Rather than lower the expressway, wouldn't it be cheaper to raise the city?"

It appears the official dessert of Massachusetts is the boston cream pie, an invention of the Omni Parker House in Boston. All the more reason to have some while visiting.

I would discuss their sports teams, each having won a major championship in the last decade, with the exception of their hockey team, but as a long suffering Cincinnati Bengals & Reds fan like myself I don't think we need to dwell on that.

So I will endeavor to learn more about Boston this week, and to pass on information gleaned from my visit.

Honk if you like jelly donuts...

2009-07-17T05:23:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

It appears we are not as good at driving cars as we all would like to think we are.

The National Highway Transportation Safety Administration (NHTSA) did a study that cited driver distractions as the top reasons for car crashes - and ultimately higher auto insurance rates. Here is the list of the distractions they included:

Eating and Drinking - It makes sense that eating and drinking while driving is dangerous, but I would have to assume that 50% of all drivers do it from time to time. The danger comes in when your McCafe ends up in your Mclap, or when your burrito supreme becomes trouser paint, causing you to sweve across three lanes of traffic while hunting for a napkin. Looks like this one is here to stay until we decide to do away with the drive-thru lane at most restaurants.

Using a cell phone - ban them while driving. No bluetooth, no speakerphone, no ESP... just drive the car, alright. You have plenty of time to talk to the other party when you are safe at your destination.

Tweeting - unless you drive with a laptop in your lap (which I would advise you to cease and desist that practice right now) then you are using a cell phone to tweet. See "Using a cell phone" above for guidance in this area.

Reaching for a moving object - this one kind of surprised me. Are there people out there driving around with small mammals roaming around their vehicles? "I'm sorry I hit that other car, Officer, but I was trying to grab the wolvervine on the backseat that kept attacking my badger."

Looking at an object or event outside of the vehicle - again, confusing... I thought the idea of driving was to get rid of all distractions so you can concentrate on objects and events outside of the vehicle. If there is an unusal object or event happening outside, such as a buffalo stampede or a UFO landing, I personally tend to slow down or stop...

Reading - MacBeth Act 2 scene 1
"Is this a dagger which I see before me,"
No, it's a Peterbuilt Semi....
ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Applying makeup: simple solution to this one is to remove all the mirrors from cars. No one uses them anyway.....

It's a win-win!

2009-07-16T03:13:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Since the 90's a plethora of new terminology has hit the vocabulary of the English speaking business world. My guess is it was generally created by consultants as a way to extract more dollars from the vaults of corporate America, as doublespeak and nonsensical words have always had a magic about that make the Director of Personnel smile and the Chief Financial Officer reluctantly hand over the hard earned loot.

Some great examples are:

Multitask - ah!!! the old favorite... this one basically is an attempt to convince management that the average working joe/jane can be given three assignments at one time and be expected to complete all of them flawlessly. For example:
Boss: "Dawkins, good morning, great day to work for Empathy Enterprises, isn't it?"
Dawkins: "Good morning, sir."
Boss: "Quiet day today so I only have three task for you."
Dawkins: (does not answer but has an uneasy look as he stares back at his boss)
Boss: "First, I need the Guttenberg Bible translated into Swahili. Second, the entire internet is down worldwide, fix it. Oh, and third, I need my dry cleaning picked up across town. Check back with me in about an hour and give me a status update."
Boss walks away as Dawkins continues to state blankly...

Seamless integration - picture Vito Corleone in the Godfather after the meeting with Sollozzo when he says to his son "never let anyone outside the family know what you are thinking". This is the basis of seamless integration. The corporation either rolls out an entirely new product line or buys a competitor and then trots out the marketing geeks in $10,000 suits and perfect teeth to smile and talk about the "seamless integration". In reality, the marketing geeks are acting as traffic cops standing in front of a corporate equivalent of a 20 car pile up with multiple fatalities. Their job is to wave people past while stating "nothing to see here... move on". This is because the seamless integration behind the curtain generally tends to be all out corporate warfare, complete with turf wars, endless meetings to assign blame, and stressed out email jousting.

Reengineer - as if engineering something in the first time around was not enough. No... we now have to reengineer it! Basic consultant speak for slapping lipstick on the same pig and then spending millions on convincing the media that it is an entirely different pig.

Boring Poetry on the fly....

2009-07-15T05:07:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I thought I would entertain you between your marathon sessions of watching Senators showboat on CSPAN in front of the newest potential member of the Supreme Court by sharing some off the cuff poetry...

Poetry on the fly

again the damn'd shell pest strip,
a yellow curse of my ancestor's days
infects my tenuous balance
perpetrating the hoax of security
never delivering the truth of reality
ending my days and nights
denying my place

and yet you live in my memory
a single shelter in the ceiling sky
inner recesses of my diminutive mind
pondering your reign
neither good nor bad, but
either here or not here
defining my place

I do, Houston ....over...

2009-07-14T04:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

It appears some of our fellow Americans are so obsessed with space travel that they can't carry out one of the biggest events in their lives without including some aspect of it.

So here's to Noah Fulmor and Erin Finnegan. Last month they decided that since they had both wanted to be astronauts since they were little that they would get married in an aircraft configured to simulate zero gravity. They even had a former astronaut, Richard Garriot, perform the 8 minute ceremony that occurred in 30 second segments, necessitated by the parabolic arc maneuver the plane had to fly to create a zero gravity simulation.

Whereas I commend Noah and Erin for their creativity and energy in performing such a marriage, I have to give them negative marks for the commitment to the comfort of their wedding guests.

In case you are unfamiliar with this type of flight, the plane used by NASA for zero gravity training is lovingly referred to as the "vomit comet". Zero gravity might be fun, but many people suffer from that wonderful sensation of motion sickness when subjected to zero gravity, sometimes quite quickly and quite violently.

So hopefully all the wedding guests were briefed ahead of time, as this might have been the first wedding in history that when the congregation is asked if there is anyone who has reason why the couple should not be married, the consensus response is mass regurgitation.

Oh yeah... I would be real careful with that first kiss too.....

Bothersome things

2009-07-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Today we are going to discuss things that get on my nerves. I realize this is not high on your list of priorities or concerns, but since this is my forum and you and your staff can quit reading anytime you want (kinda like the smoking thing, only different), then I am going to pursue this topic for today.

Today's list of bothersome things:

1. When leaving the dentist this morning, one of your constituents was of the opinion that it is acceptable behavior to operate their SUV within six inches of my rear bumper while traveling at speeds of approximately 35mph. This is not acceptable behavior and needs to stop. At your earliest convenience, please have an available staff member call the lady in question and remind her that driving is a privilege, not a right, and that her particular attempt at vehicular operations management is questionable at best...

2. When AARP runs their commercials during the evening news pimping their latest lame medicare-add on package in partnership with some big multi-billion dollar HMO, please ask them to refrain from stating in their sales pitch :
"from AARP, a name you trust"
This clever little play on words might work on some retirees with bad hearing aids and in the early stages of dementia, but the average American is going to start mistrusting AARP if they continue to pimp their "trustworthyness" too overtly in their attempts to fill their coffers with your money.

3. I have already discussed the "Breaking News" issue in a previous posting. Just fix it, please!

And lastly

4. Under no conditions should the Shamwow guy, Vince Shlomi, take over the mantle of "lead infomercial pitch guy" from the recently deceased Billy Mayes. Billy might have been somewhat irratating with that semi-shouting voice that compelled you to buy cleaning products you did not know you needed, but Vince is just not right for the part, as the prostitute he is alledged to have had a fistfight would be willing to attest.

How to turn $1.40 into 43 cents

2009-07-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

It appears AIG has even more magic up it derivative riddled sleeve as they have again demonstrated to the financial world their keen insight into how market capitalization works.

Due to problems AIG encountered by overextending their risk portfolio in credit default swaps and subsequent dilution of value by handing 80% of the company over to Uncle Sam for enough liquidity to survive the numerous collateral calls, their stock price was trading at a measly $1.40, with 2.6 billion shares outstanding, giving them a market value of around $3.6 billion.

With me so far?

So the geniuses at AIG say "hey, we want our share price higher, so we can start turning around the public perception that we have no idea what we are doing. "

So they decide to do a financial trick known as a reverse split, giving share holders 1 share for every 20 that they currently hold, so the equation is now changed to $28 per share with 130 million shares outstanding, giving them a market value of around $3.6 billion.

Pretty neat trick, huh?

Unfortunately for AIG, every hedge fund manager on the planet saw what they were doing and said "they are trying to create the perception of value where there is none! I sense an opportunity!!!"

So since news of the split occurred, the value of the shares have plunged like Thelma and Louise... and is now opening this morning at around $8.85.

So in 10 days, AIG's management has turned a $3.6 billion company into a $1.15 billion dollar company.

All I can say is.... well done!!!

Pourquoi????

2009-07-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Today's prize goes to 84 year old Howard Manoian, an American World War II veteran of the European campaign in 1944-1945.

Mr. Manoian was awarded the Legion d'honneur for bravery for his part in the D-Day Normandy invasions for landing with the 82nd Airborne and fighting at Sainte-Mere-Eglise. There was even a plaque in his honor in the town, and Mr Manoian reveled for years about telling the stories of parachuting down as the German defenders fired at and killed many of his fellow soldiers.

Additional, Mr. Manoian was wounded in the days after D-Day, taking machine gun bullets to his left hand and both legs in battle, and then wounded again when a German plane attacked the hospital in which he was recovering.

With all this said, it never ceases to amaze me the lengths that some people will go to when trying to impress others. Kudos to the Boston Herald, who took the extra step of obtaining Mr. Manoian's military records.

Turns out Mr. Manoian served with the 33rd Chemical Decontamination Company, not the 82nd Airborne as he has claimed for many years. He did in fact land at Utah beach, but on a supply ship many days after the fighting had moved inland, thus the main danger he faced on D-Day while the 82nd was fighting for their lives was trying to reach the mess hall in Southern England early enough to get first dibs on chow before it got cold.

And the risky duties of his intrepid service to the US Army? That would be the terrifying nerve-wracking assignment of looking after a supply dump in Northern France., all the while perilously dodging tanks, jeeps and supply convoys crawling past his post on their way to the front lines, many many miles away.

As for Mr. Manoian's bullet wounds, I think he may have hit his head on a pole coming out of the latrine tent one day and lost his memory, as his service record shows the only wound he received was a broken finger while in England, accompanied by brusing on the other hand... definitely painful but not quite the same league as bullet wounds received while in combat.

So after all these years Mr. Manoian, thank you for your service during WWII, but I would not expect any more free drinks at the VW from visiting Frenchman or retired veterans. And I would not be planning any more victory laps around Sainte-Mere-Eglise next time you drop by there for the many thanks you have received but not particularly earned.

Jacko Adios

2009-07-07T04:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Today is the big day in Los Angeles when Michael Joseph Jackson is laid to rest and a public memorial service is held at the Staples center with 18,000 plus mourners. I am sure you would try to make it if humanly possible, but with your demanding schedule on the hill and "mini-filliabusters" that you spontaneously performed the other day must prevent you jumping a plane and heading for the insolvent California Republic and a seat at the service.

Obviously, a lot of people were willing to overlook the child molestation allegations and trial that Mr. Jackson endured as over 1.6 million of them vied for one of the 8,700 tickets distributed on a lotto basis to people who registered on a website. LA officials are readying for an additional 100,000 people who will just "show up" and loiter outside the event.

And Michael will not even be there. It appears the family plans to have a private service prior to the big event where his mortal remains will be committed to the ground in an airtight coffin. The Staples center event will be strictly a celeb-fest of people who want to be seen as mourning the "King of Pop".

Normally I would make some sarcastic remark or exercise an opinion or two at this point, but Mr. Jackson's actions during his life and that of his extended family have just left me shaking my head with the knowledge gained from their trials and tribulations.

I think Don Henley got it right .....

"We can do the innuendo
We can dance and sing
When its said and done we havent told you a thing
We all know that crap is king
Give us dirty laundry!"

Sirens and guns, a love story....

2009-07-02T10:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

As you prepare to have fun in the sun at your home in Butler county I wanted to make sure you were aware that our Ohio law enforcement personnel were out there doing their best for the state. Here is a short AP story displaying one such "team"...

Police chief taped kissing in cruiser

The Associated Press

The police chief of a northeast Ohio township has retired after a video became public showing him and a female officer kissing and caressing in the front of a police cruiser while a prisoner was in the back seat.

Timothy Escola retired Tuesday night after four years with the Perry Township police department about 50 miles south of Cleveland. Law Director Charles Hall says Escola's retirement closes an internal investigation.Hall says no charges are being considered against part-time officer Janine England, who was with Escola in the cruiser June 2. Escola and England drove to the Cincinnati area to pick up a burglary suspect.

An anonymous allegation prompted an investigation last week and a review of the cruiser's dashboard camera.

The video is available on youtube.com if you are interested in a visual of this escape. Just search paste http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBElpbt0kZU into your brower or type "Perry Twp. Police Chief Escola" into the search box.

Motivation

2009-07-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Thought I would review the last week for you.

This is Ed McMahon. He died last week at age 86. He constantly worked in show business but still ended up nearly losing his McMansion to foreclosure during the current crisis. Guess he forgot to put some money away for a rainy day. Likable guy though....

This is Farah Fawcett. I, like every other red blooded American teenager of the seventies, had this poster hanging on my wall. She passed away at age 62 after bravely battling anal cancer for the last four years. As my own mother died of cancer only a few months ago, I feel a deep sadness for what her family is going through at the moment.

This is Michael Jackson. He was only 50 and preparing for a series of concerts when he dropped dead of an apparent heart attack. He had a troubled life that I will not get into here, but be assured that with the movable circus that is his extended family, the drama surrounding him will continue for years to come.

This is Billy Mays, a popular infomercial/salesman who made you pay attention to the products he was selling by raising his voice to "Who concert" level decibels when emphasizing their qualities. He too was 50 years old and died of an apparent heart attack.

So, lets recap.

Ed- 86, good long life.
Farah - 62, good life but cut too short by a horrible disease.
Mike - 50, drops dead.
Billy - 50, drops dead.

I think there is a lesson here. Personally I put in over 40 miles on my bicycle this weekend and quite a bit of time doing rhythm boxing on the Wii Fit in my family room, as in four years time when I turn 50 I have no plans on joining Michael and Billy.

As for you Congressman, maybe this is a sign that the old Marlboros need to go bye-bye....

Guide to South America, by Mark Sanford

2009-06-30T04:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

As a Republican lawmaker, I thought you might be interested in hearing from one of your fellow party members on where to go in the southern hemisphere....

Lima, Peru - This city is glorious and you need to understand that. You do not need a therapist to help you figure out Lima's place in the world. It is special and unique and fabulous in a whole host of ways that are worth a much longer conversation.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil - To me, and I suspect no one else on earth, there is something wonderful about listening to country music playing in the cab to Ipenema, air conditioner running, the hum of a huge diesel engine in the background, the tranquilitiy that comes with being in a virtual wilderness of trees and marsh of the Floresta da Tijuca, the day breaking and vibrant pink coming alive in the morning clouds over Christ the Redeemer - and it probably fits with my weakness in doing rather than being - though Rio opened up a new chapter last week wherein I was happy and content just being.

Santigo, Chile - Do you really comprehend how beautiful your city is? Have you been told lately how warm your citizens are and how they softly glow with the special nature of their soul. You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting to your beauty. I could digress and say that Santigo's people have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love their unemployment lines or the curve of it's streets, the exotic beauty of it (or two magnificent parts of it) in the faded glow of night's light - but hey, that would be going into too much detail....

Buenos Aires, Argentina - On advice of my attorney, I am not going to talk about this city.

The slimmest of differences....

2009-06-29T05:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Have you ever noticee that there are circumstances where minor differences between things can seem like the Grand Canyon to the casual observer.

For example, if you tell people that God spoke to you and gave you a vision for your life, they will smile, pat you on the back and tell you to "Go with God".

If, however, you tell people that several different gods spoke to you and told you to dye all your shoes pink, then the same people will make a phone call and then invite you to "Go with the nice men in the white suits".

If you graduate top of your class at John Hopkins Medical School, you are given your choose of residencies and are called doctor.

If you graduate top in your correspondence courses at the University of Central Uganda, East Nakaseke Campus, you are given an opportunity to become a resident at a number of hospitals in major cities all over the US and are called doctor.

If you are the governor of a southern state and decide on a whim to fly to Argentina to have a fling with a divorced mother of two, then you can expect to receive some criticism when you come home and face the music.

If you are the governor of a southern state and decide on a whim to fly to Argentina to have a fling with a divorced mother of two and then expect the state to pick up the tab for the trip, then you can expect to receive calls for your resignation when you come home and face the music.

Just those little subtle difference .....

The Bernanke Code

2009-06-26T04:57:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Every few months a bunch of high ranking bankers get together, swap war stories, and decide which direction to influence the money flow in this country, and subsequently the rest of the world. After they are finished with witticisms and martinis, they make some poor intern type up a press release to be sent out at exactly 2:15pm on the day the meeting has ended. The release is so cryptic that there are analysts who make a living out of simply intrepreting what it actually means. So, for your benefit and since the analysts are not unionized, I thought I would do this for you for free....

WASHINGTON - The Federal Open Market Committee released the following statement Wednesday after a two-day meeting.

Release Date: June 24, 2009

For immediate release

Information received since the Federal Open Market Committee met in April suggests that the pace of economic contraction is slowing. “We heard a rumor that McDonald’s and Walmart might start hiring again.”

Conditions in financial markets have generally improved in recent months. “Pure fear has been replaced with plain old fashioned ulcer-generating anxiety.”

Household spending has shown further signs of stabilizing but remains constrained by ongoing job losses, lower housing wealth, and tight credit. "A couple of us had to fire our nannies."

Businesses are cutting back on fixed investment and staffing but appear to be making progress in bringing inventory stocks into better alignment with sales. "The economic business cycle has locked up tighter than a Scientologist at a Billy Graham crusade."

Although economic activity is likely to remain weak for a time, the Committee continues to anticipate that policy actions to stabilize financial markets and institutions, fiscal and monetary stimulus, and market forces will contribute to a gradual resumption of sustainable economic growth in a context of price stability. "None of us had a freakin' clue what shoe is going to drop next."

The prices of energy and other commodities have risen of late. "We all compared our electric bills at the meeting. "

However, substantial resource slack is likely to dampen cost pressures, and the Committee expects that inflation will remain subdued for some time. "We don't know what this means, but when the intern came up with it, we all liked the sound of it."

In these circumstances, the Federal Reserve will employ all available tools to promote economic recovery and to preserve price stability. "We all agreed to run up some balances on our credit cards and to haggle over everything we personally buy."

The Committee will maintain the target range for the federal funds rate at 0 to 1/4 percent and continues to anticipate that economic conditions are likely to warrant exceptionally low levels of the federal funds rate for an extended period. "Again, the intern suggested this sentence. Turns out this kid is pretty bright."

As previously announced, to provide support to mortgage lending and housing markets and to improve overall conditions in private credit markets, the Federal Reserve will purchase a total of up to $1.25 trillion of agency mortgage-backed securities and up to $200 billion of agency debt by the end of the year. "And since we are buying it from ourselves, we hopefully will get a good price!"

In addition, the Federal Reserve will buy up to $300 billion of Treasury securities by autumn. "It was a toss up between Treasury securities by autumn, Muni Bonds by Pimco, Polo by Ralph Lauren, or Chanel #5 by Chanel, but Treasury securities has such a nice scent that we had to go with that one."

The Committee will continue to evaluate the timing and overall amounts of its purchases of securities in light of the evolving economic outlook and conditions in financial markets. "Again, we have no idea what we are doing."

The Federal Reserve is monitoring the size and composition of its balance sheet and will make adjustments to its credit and liquidity programs as warranted. "We finally remembered this time to bring the piggy bank to the meeting so someone could count the coins."

More boring poety II

2009-06-25T05:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Time for more boring poetry....

Wanton Endangerfield

Released by the blue-green algae
surrounded by a envelope of warmth
held together by at least two bonds
is the catastrophe most ignored
and the raw materials stored

in time less advanced
we moved to the other end of the car
in time less advanced
we attained satisfaction
dramatically as was the predicted consequence

wanton destruction of genetic wealth
blank stares of denial at the unclean camera
for the guiltiest among us are condemned to be admired
the cleanest to be painted with mold and neglect
and the ambivalent judged in a heavy silence

Your papers please.....

2009-06-24T04:31:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Yesterday I was humbly eating my soup and sandwich in the work lunchroom while the busniess channel, CNBC, was playing on the television mounted in the corner nearest the window. As I ate and half-heartedly gazed at the TV, a commercial came on for a luxury automobile company. That made sense to me because luxury automobile companies probably get most of their sales from people who tend to watch CNBC. I was only watching because nine days out of ten the television is left on that channel by someone who came in early in the morning and selected it. The other day it was on Fox News, as someone here in the office is a fan of that network and likes to put on their programming.

But I digress....

At the end of this luxury car commercial they urged you to buy their product from "an authorized dealer near you". Now this begs the question: is their a network of unauthorized dealers out there that I have to be careful of??? Do they make unauthorized version of your cars out of cardboard and foam and then try to push them off onto an unsuspecting public? If you have such a problem with unauthorized dealers, why not make a commercial about that for consumer protection purposes.

For instance:

Hi, this is John Walsh for Mercedes Benz. Lately, some of our potential customers have been scammed by unscrupulous dealers selling vehicles under the Merkades Bense label and trying to pass them off as the real thing.

Here are some things to look for in your buying experience.

If the dealership is housed in a double-wide trailer with the Merkades Bense sign instead of Mercedes Benz, then it is in all probability an unauthorized dealer.

Also, if they require you to buy the car before you are allowed to drive one, then they are an unauthorized dealer. Once purchased, if they then state they will personally deliver you vehicle to your home later that day as a free service, again.. .they are most likely an unauthorized dealer.

Additionally, if you come back later in the day because the car never showed up and the dealership appears to have vanished, there is a high probability that they are an unauthorized dealer. Another tip off will be that after you return home from the second visit to the dealership you find that your house was burgled and your dog/cat was kidnapped. This is a major tip-off that you went to an unauthorized dealer.

So remember, double-wide, no test driving, disappearing lots, and home robbery are all signs that you have not been to an authorized Mercedes Benz dealership.

This is John Walsh, hoping you have a happy car shopping experience.

Open Government, pandora's box style

2009-06-23T04:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

As you have probably laughed about during your smoke breaks with your fellow congressman out back behind the Capitol Building, the Obama administration started an open government website for comments from the American people. This effort by the administration was discussed today in a New York Times story and helped to demonstrate some of the more important issues being discussed by our fellow citizens in regards to suggestions for better government.

Here's some of the topics raised for discussion...

Idea #594 Remove Marijuana from Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act - Let's face it, if you open up a forum for discussion of government policy this one will always rear it's head. Nothing new here....

Idea #2071 Open all classified UFO files - Another shocker! There are people in this country convinced that a global-wide governmental conspiracy exists that refuses to release to the public that UFOs and aliens really exist and evidence of them is being secretly hidden. Personally, I have always found that if you tell four people a secret, then it will no longer be a secret to the other six billion world inhabitants within a week. So, if there is evidence of aliens and UFOs and numerous people have been sworn to secrecy over the last seventy years without a serious breech.... all I can say is... well done!!!

Idea #1437 Verify Citizenship Status - I like the reasoning listed with this one...

"the current resident of the White House (the almost certainly fake President) is not a natural-born citizen of the United States, he is not qualified to hold the office of President. Therefore, all orders he has given and all bills he has signed are null and void."

I think the "almost certainly fake" part tips the impartial reader that the writer has a minor bias against the current sitting President of the United States. Does this mean that the first dog is now illegal as well and must be returned to Portugal?

Idea #4060 Executive Order 12986 - According to this post... tell you what... I will let the original post speak for itself...

"Bill Clinton signed over the Grand Canyon to the UN as collateral on our national debt. The UN is functioning under the guise of an environmental group (for our own good). This order allows the UN to take privately owned land and prevents land owners from suing. The UN lays claim to over 60% of the country. This was in the 90's when our debt was lower. What will Obama give away?"

I don't even know how to begin to respond to that one....

Idea #4055 Frankentrees-GMO trees set to be released across America - According to this one, "the pollen in these trees can cause many negative health reactions, particularly with asthmatics and to those with allergies". Yes, we have genetically engineered trees in this country to the point that they can now wash and wax your car while you are watching sports on the television.....

And my personal favorite...

Idea #3797 PUT IN PRISON ALL ACLU LAWYERS THAT FILE RIDICULOUS LAWSUITS TO TEAR DOWN CROSSES OR RELIGIOUS MATERIAL IN THE USA - why you ask... "This has nothing to do with the Seperation of Church and State....They twist everything....They are corrupt and should go to jail..." I hate to be the harbinger of bad news to this person, but if you put everyone whom they disagreed with in jail, you would have to raise income taxes to 80% of all income to pay for all the prisons to house them....

Good stuff, eh congressman!

Many more can be found at http://opengov.ideascale.com/

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-22T04:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Since Sunday was Father's day my sister decided that we should have a nice quiet celebration for my father. Since he is in his seventies, we did not want to do anything too strenuous that might hurt his old achy bones. So here are the highlights of the relaxing Sunday outing we planned for him.

On our way to the quiet Sunday Father's day outing in the country we spent several miles of road time following the re-birth of the American agricultural economy, as a local farmer decided it was a good time to move his tractor to another location, utilizing our predetermined route while doing so.

We stopped at Warren County regional airport, as we all knew how much Dad loved flying in his younger days. A local aeronautic worker came by to chat with Pops and see if he had any questions. They hit it off so well that he offered to take Dad up in their airplane for a spin!

As the kind gentleman told him that the plane was old and worn out, they decided to put Dad in a flight suit with a parachute harness, just in case something happened to the plane. They even supplied him with a goofy looking World War I style flying helmet so he could have memories of his days of youth flying Tiger Moths all over southern England.

As we sat baking in the hot sun, a group of local flight enthusiasts joined in the march to the rickety old plane on the end of the runway. Little did we know that an argument must have started at that point, because almost all of the people on the plane would not still be in it when it eventually landed!!!!

At some point before this, the argument must have hit a boiling over point, as clearly from the parachute descending toward us my father was no longer an occupant of the airplane.

Fortunately for my father, the gentleman who was speaking with him before the flight realized that he had no chance of making a proper landing after the pilot had kicked him out of the airplane, so he hooked up my dad to his chute and escorted him down, right to the point his ass bounced off the grass at 20mph!!!

So in the end my father thanked the kind gentleman from saving him from the temperamental pilot who liked to kick passengers out of his plane at 12,500 feet.

Titan arum to you too....

2009-06-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Today it was announced by the Huntington Gardens of Los Angeles that a titan arum had bloomed in all it's finest glory.

Why do I care, you ask?

Because the titan arum is also referred to as the "corpse flower", as when it opens in bloom it's scent is often compared to that of a decomposing body. Plus, this sucker is one of the largest blooming plants on the planet, native to Sumatra. Due to numerous botanical gardens cultivating these monstrosities, they are not as uncommon in the United States as they previous had been. But to have a main attraction of your gardens a plant that occasionally gives off the odor of rotting flesh. Gotta love it.....

Flash... Broken News!!!

2009-06-17T04:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Here in the good old US of A, the cable news channels (CNN, MSNBC, FOX News), the major television networks (ABC, CBS, NBC & FOX) and their local affiliates have all fallen under the spell of the "Breaking News" craze. In a nutshell, when they all begin a news broadcast, the over-made up newscaster (male or female... makes no difference) in 8 out of 10 broadcast start with the following line:

"Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening, I'm John/Jane Doe and here are today's headlines. But first, we have a breaking news story from....."

And what is so important that you have to delay telling me about the latest events in the Iranian election or a flash flood that injured 20 in Texas?

"There is a report of a house fire currently burning in Lower Price Hill. We currently have a news team on the way and will bring you more information as this story develops."

A house fire? Really?

Now, between you and me, this normally is a tragedy for the family that lives in the house and loses all their possession, possibly a pet, and hopefully not a family member. But until you actually have some news that it is something other than smoldering attic or a garage fire, I personally would rather here about the Texas flood or the Iranian elections first.

I realize the news business is a dog-eat-dog, get to the story first or your die on the vine business, however at some point you might want to ask your customers what they would like to see, rather than running that "BREAKING NEWS" headline every 30 seconds.

But hey, maybe it's just me....

OMG! BOSA!

2009-06-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

You have probably noticed that when your younger assistants and pages are not at your beck and call that they are all furiously typing into their cellular devices sending messages back and forward to each other. Needless to say, every time you sneak out the back of the Capitol Building for a quick smoke, half of the congressional staff are aware that you are out their destroying your lungs withing 20 seconds of you lighting up.

How do they do that, you ask? Through the ingenious use of shorthand and acronyms. I have provided you a handy dandy listing courtesy of the people at Netlingo.

BTW- OMG! BOSA! stands for "Oh my goodness! Boehner's outside smoking again!"

AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse
ACORN - A Completely Obsessive Really Nutty person
ADIH – Another Day In Hell
ADIP -Another Day In Paradise
AIAMU - And I'm A Monkey's Uncle
ALOTBSOL - Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life
AMRMTYFTS - All My Roommates Thank You For The Show
ATAB - Ain't That A Bitch
AYSOS - Are You Stupid Or Something
AYTMTB - And You're Telling Me This Because
BBFBBM - Body By Fisher, Brains By Mattel
BHAG - Big Hairy Audacious Goal
BHIMBGO - Bloody Hell, I Must Be Getting Old
BIOYE - Blow It Out Your Ear
BITCH - Basically In The Clear Homey
BOB - Battery Operated Boyfriend
BSBD&NE - Book Smart, Brain Dead & No Experience
BTDTGTS - Been There, Done That, Got The T-shirt
Cof$ - Church of Scientology
CRAFT - Can't Remember A F***ing Thing
CRAP - Cheap Redundant Assorted Products
DILLIGAD - Do I Look Like I Give A Damn
DORD - Department Of Redundancy Department
DWWWI - Surfing the World Wide Web while intoxicated
EMRTW - Evil Monkey's Rule The World
ESO - Equipment Smarter than Operator
FILTH - Failed In London, Try Hong Kong
FLUID - F***ing Look it Up, I Did
FMTYEWTK - Far More Than You Ever Wanted To Know
FYSBIGTBABN - Fasten Your SeatBelts It's Going To Be A Bumpy Night
G2GLYS - Got To Go Love Ya So
GSYJDWURMNKH - Good Seeing You, Just Don't Wear Your Monkey Hat
HBASTD - Hitting Bottom And Starting To Dig
IANADBIPOOTV - I Am Not A Doctor But I Play One On TV
IANNNGC - I Am Not Nurturing the Next Generation of Casualties
IDGARA - I Don't Give A Rats Ass
IEF - It's Esther's Fault
IIABDFI - If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It
IIIO - Intel Inside, Idiot Outside
IITYWIMWYBMAD - If I Tell You What It Means Will You Buy Me A Drink
ILICISCOMK - I Laughed, I Cried, I Spat/Spilt Coffee/Crumbs/Coke On My Keyboard
IMHEIUO - In My High Exalted Informed Unassailable Opinion
IWBAPTAKYAIYSTA - I Will Buy A Plane Ticket And Kick Your Ass If You Say That Again
JUADLAM - Jumping Up And Down Like A Monkey
LDIMEDILLIGAF - Look Deeply Into My Eyes, Does It Look Like I Give A F***
LDTTWA - Let's Do The Time Warp Again
LOMBARD - Lots Of Money But A Right Dick
MTSBWY - May The Schwartz Be With You
NIGYYSOB - Now I've Got You, You Son Of a B*tch
NTTAWWT - Not That There's Anything Wrong With That
NYCFS - New York City Finger Salute
OMIK - Open Mouth, Insert Keyboard
ONNTA - Oh No, Not This Again
OSINTOT - Oh Sh** I Never Thought Of That
OTASOIC - Owing To A Slight Oversight In Construction
P2C2E - Process Too Complicated Too Explain
PDOMA - Pulled Directly Out Of My Ass
PEBCAC - Problem Exists Between Chair And Computer
PITMEMBOAM - Peace In The Middle East My Brother Of Another Mother
PMIGBOM - Put Mind In Gear Before Opening Mouth
PNATMBC - Pay No Attention To Man Behind the Curtain
PTPOP - Pat The Pissed Off Primate
RTH - Release The Hounds
RUMCYMHMD - Are You on Medication Cause You Must Have Missed a Dose
SAPFU - Surpassing All Previous Foul Ups
SITCOMs -Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage
SLOM - Sticking Leeches On Myself
SUFID - Screwing Up Face In Disgust
SWALBCAKWS - Sealed With A Lick Because A Kiss Won't Stick
TANSTAAFL - There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch
TEOTWAWKI - The End Of The World As We Know It
TSRA- Two Shakes of a Rat's Ass
URAPITA - You Are A Pain In The Ass
WOMBAT - Waste Of Money, Brains And Time
WTHOW - White Trash Headline Of the Week
YRYOCC - You're Running on Your Own Cookoo Clock
YYSSW -Yeah Yeah Sure Sure Whatever

The Iran Election Fraud... or maybe not...

2009-06-15T06:09:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

It appears over the weekend that the fix was in on the Iranian elections, with everyone's favorite nonsense-talking President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defeating his opponent Mir Hossein Mousavi in a supposed landslide vote. Mousavi supporters are up in arms over the alleged theft of the election, with continued rallies in the streets and protests from rooftops. Of course, it doesn't help the Irani government's case that it was a fair vote when they start to block cell phone signals and internet connections as part of the plan to stop the demonstrations, but then Iran has never been a county to shy away from controversy.

However, on the other side of the coin, it appears that a Washington D.C. based non-profit group called "Terror Free Tomorrow: The Center for Public Opinion" did a scientific analysis of the Iranian public and published a 70 page report that demonstrated that Ahmadinejad was in fact leading 2-1 in their survey.

I have memories of the original Iranian revolution of 1979, as I was living in Paris at the time and the events dominated headlines and sometimes events there. I clearly remember walking down the Champs-Elysees seeing the building for the Bank of Iran post a huge picture of the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini in their front window, and the next week walking by and seeing a bullet hole in the glass right through his forehead.

So, would I like to see Ahmadinejad run out of office... you bet. But did he lose the election? Let's collect all the facts before we decide that one...

Happy Fathers Day, Issur Danielovitch.....

2009-06-11T04:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

This correction appeared in the LA Times this morning. Thanks to Slate.com for pointing it out....

"An article in Wednesday's Calendar about Michael Douglas receiving the American Film Institute Life Achievement Award said he missed the AFI tribute when his father, Kirk Douglas, received the same award in 1991, and quoted the actor-producer as saying he didn't recall where he was at the time. In fact, the younger Douglas not only attended the ceremony but also served as its host. Douglas said through a spokesman Wednesday that he had forgotten about the event of 18 years ago."

Nice one Michael....

Spend, spend, spent....

2009-06-10T05:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

According to Bill Gross, the main guru over at Bond wizard company PIMCO, the American consumer has changed from an attitude of "shop til you drop" to "save to the grave". Now, as yourself, growing up in the last few decades with rampant consumerism and the need to "keep up with the Jones", I somehow feel that this is overstating it just a little bit. Granted, with 10% unemployment and spending scale backs of mammoth proportions, it does look gloomy if you own a whole bunch of specialty retailer stocks in your portfolio right now. But I would have faith in the consumers ability to belligerently spend money like it was radioactive and dangerous to hold on to.

Personally, I think we have gone from "shop til you drop" to "shop until you have to stop", mainly because of reduced credit and overdrawn bank accounts, but until that point is reached the average American consumer can still be counted on to come through to purchase those Asian manufactured goods at a pace steady enough to keep China out of trouble.

And "save to the grave", ...nah... it's more like "save until we come out of the cave". Talking heads in this country keep going on about how the til has tilted and people are now finally starting to save part of what they earn. But they don't give that all American need to have a bunch of stuff enough credit. Also, keep in mine that with the Pension Protection Act of 2006 companies have slowly begun withholding 3% of all new employee's pay automatically to a retirement account. I somehow thing this is contributing to America's sudden increasing love of saving.

So no sweat America, just run to the mall and get that new cell phone, pair of jeans, and latest "as seen on TV gadget". After all, the world does not have enough shamwows now, does it?

And you thought you had problems...

2009-06-05T05:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Since you are busy fighting both lobbyists and liberals alike, I figured I would summarize the biggest political scandal of the year-to-date: the United Kingdom House of Commons MP expense allowances. It appears that the members of Parliament have been a loose with the rules of what they have been claiming for expenses over the last few years. Here's a few highlights:

Five Sinn Fein Members of Parliament for Northern Ireland : claimed over $750,000 over the last five years in expenses, even though they refused to come to London to attend Parliament during the entire period. My kind of gig!

Member of Parliament for Ryedale: This MP put in a claim for 89 cents for a box of matches. Needless to say it probably costs over $20 in administrative costs to process the claim.

Member of Parliament for West Derbyshire: Seems to have an insect problem because this MP put in a $250 claim for removal of a wasp hive from his home. I always found a can of bug spray from the DIY shop did just fine for this type of problem.

Member of Parliament for Norfolk South West: This MP loves trees, as the British public bought them some cherry laurels and red cedar trees. I wonder if this member had important political discussions affecting the state of the English economy on their cellular phone while sitting under these trees. Probably not....

Member of Parliament for Surrey Heath: I love the Tate Modern too, but I would not think to charge the general public $30 for the purchase of mugs there. In fact, if the Tate Modern is run by the Government, this is maybe this MP's method for stimulating the British economy by transferring money from one branch to another.

Member of Parliament for Rushcliffe: This MP turned in a claim for the purchase of a copy of "Windows XP for Dummies". Maybe they should have bought "How to Avoid Headlines in the National Press for Dummies" instead?

Member of Parliament for Wells: Turned in claims for bags of horse manure. Kind of appropriate, don't you think....

And my favorite....
Member of Parliamentfor Sleaford and North Hykeham: Yes, this MP turned in claims totaling $3,200 to have their moat cleaned.

Now, I have always bit the bullet and cleaned my own moat. But maybe I am just funny that way...

Employment for all

2009-06-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I noted today that even with the unemployment figures showing another 500,000+ people reaching the unemployment line last month, there is one company that is coming to the rescue of the American worker....

Yes, it is Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart has announced that in 2009 they plan on opening or expanding 150 of their locations and hiring an additional 22,000 employees during the year.

Just a few small issues here....

1. Wal-Mart tends to mainly higher employees close to the minimum wage, which will not help someone who has to raise and feed a household.

2.Their health insurance plan is relatively expensive, so many have to choose between rent and food or insurance for their families, so they have to go uninsured. (2004 statistics quoted 2/3rd of employees were uninsured)

3. Wal-Mart has a litany of lawsuits it is defending against for sexual and wage discrimination.

So adding these jobs to replace higher income wages does not help the average worker. It is not quite a Mc-job, but it appears that for one of the largest corporations in the USA they could do a little better in the employee relations area, lest we start referring to it as Wal-work.

This is what we find....

2009-06-02T18:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

The other day I was sitting watching the evening news. As usual, the commercials that ran during the broadcast were all from the pharmaceutical companies pimping their latest products to an unsuspecting public. I say "unsuspecting" because one of them caught my attention with some of the "fine print" that the announcer tries to gloss over while reading the list of potential side effects that the Food and Drug Administration require them to disclose.

"There have been reports of patients experiencing intense urges to gamble, increased sexual urges, and other intense urges and the inability to control these urges while taking...."

Excuse me? This drug is being proscribed for a minor ailment referred to as Restless Leg Syndrome, that a fair share of doctors believe is being exaggerated by the drug maker as to the quantity of suffers bouncing on their beds on a nightly basis. A possible side effect is the overwhelming urge to double down on a pair of nines while I attempt to mount the casino's cocktail waitress?????

Excuse me if I say, for the sake of my marriage, that I would probably attempt another non-pharmaceutical solution if it were presented to me.

BTW- since the FDA makes the drug maker disclose other potential issues, here is a list of them for future reference:

From phase II other adverse effects categorized as frequent: Abdominal pain, constipation, gastroesophageal reflux disease, stomach discomfort, toothache, asthenia, chest pain, influenza-like illness, rigors, bronchitis, gastroenteritis, gastroenteritis viral, lower respiratory tract infection, rhinitis, tooth abscess, urinary tract infection, muscle spasms, musculoskeletal stiffness, myalgia, neck pain, osteoarthritis, tendinitis, hypoesthesia, migraine, anxiety, depression, irritability, sleep disorder, and erectile dysfunction, asthma, pharyngolaryngeal pain, night sweats, rash, hot flush, hypertension, and hypotension.

I did not include the infrequent list as it contained about 3 times as many ailments as the frequent list.

As a side note, I do not mean to understate the trauma of this condition to anyone who suffers from it. I just personally have never met any of you.....

The Decline of Western Civilization

2009-06-01T13:04:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I believe today, finally, that the reality TV plague has begun it's long and tedious downward slide to the annals of history, with a special slot right next to Pet Rocks, Members Only Jackets, and barbwire bicep tattoos. Here's why courtesy of the Associated Press:

LOS ANGELES - The Southern California woman who gave birth to the world's longest-surviving set of octuplets has signed a deal to star in a reality television series, her lawyer said Sunday.

Nadya Suleman, who gave birth to the six boys and two girls in January and also has six other children, agreed to be filmed for a proposed television show by Eyeworks, a Netherlands-based production company, attorney Jeff Czech said.

The company hasn't yet sold the show to any American television network, he said.

Since Katie Couric did not succeed in ending her life, it is only appropriate that someone came up with the astounding idea that giving this woman her own TV show. In fact, I think after about three episodes of following Ms. Suleman around, you will be able to get sponsors banging on the network's door trying to run ads. Some fitting ads might be:

Brinks Security Alarm Systems: Because you never know when Nadya will want to visit you!

Trojan Prophylactics: Eight might not be enough for Nadya, but none is plenty for you.

Hummer : If she's out there driving, we can make you safe....

McEmergency

2009-05-29T04:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I am sure there are times that you have had to meet and field questions from people that made you wonder how they managed to accomplish the feat of tying their own shoes that morning. Here is another example of such an individual.

ALOHA, Ore. – An Oregon man spent Memorial Day in jail after dialing 911 (999 in the UK) to complain that a McDonald's worker was rude and didn't give him an orange juice he ordered. The individual was accused of improper use of the emergency telephone number.

The Oregonian newspaper reports that the 20-year-old bailed out of the Washington County Jail on Tuesday and could not be reached for comment.

A Washington County Sheriff's Sgt. said the individual ignored deputies who told him the emergency number isn't to be used for straightening out fast-food orders.

A McDonald's employee also called 911 during the incident to complain that the individual and the people with him were blocking the drive-thru lane and knocking on the restaurant windows.

So, we have two identical problems here.

First, the individual who does not understand conceptually understand the true nature of emergency. Just for the record, there are probably very few laws on the books against rude behavior. I personally have been treated abusively by a fast food employee, but being that I planned on consuming whatever they gave me in the bag I thought it best not to upset them further, lest I end up eating something usually dished up on the TV show "Fear Factor".

Second, when did blocking a drive through lane and knocking on a window comprise an emergency situation? He probably would have gotten away with the phone call to 911 if the McDonald's employee hadn't called the same number to complain about their rowdy behavior, so if I was the Police on the scene I would have arrested both callers. Last time I looked, most Police and Sheriff departments have a non-emergency phone number in the local phone book. And if the McDonald's management did not have this number posted somewhere....well.... hey, there's an idea for ya!

Is it really that difficult...

2009-05-28T05:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I will be the first to admit that on occasion I will come to this forum and rant on topics that are of absolute no interest to you. This is one of those days....

I would like to address this blog entry to the young man in the noisy bondo-covered Chevy Cavalier who was riding my rear bumper so closely I felt inclined to offer him a breath mint. However, upon reflection, I have serious doubts as to whether this fine upstanding citizen has spent much of his adolescence in pursuit of the expansion of his literary proficiency, except in rare cases where he eagerly dived into his dusty rarely used copy of Websters Dictionary to ensure that his latest tattoo was in fact spelled correctly.

In cases where we are on a highway and Mr. Nascar fan decides to draft my bumper I simply flip the turn signaling device on my vehicle to indicate that I am clearing a path for him to resume his attempted recreation of George Miller's Mad Max/Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior and then continue on my merry way. The problem in this case is we were in a suburban neighborhood where the speed limit was 25 miles per hour. This individual clearly felt that somewhere around 50 miles per hour was an acceptable alternative in lieu of my observation of local traffic ordinances.

To understand my perspective, it is best explained in this way:

If you as a parent or a pet owner let your children or beloved Fido/Mimi play on the freeway/highway/motorway, then Darwin's theories of natural selection apply and I am fully entitled to plow them over with my car, while all the while trying to minmize the damage to my personal vehicle. However, if you allow your childen and/or to play/roam on your local neighborhood street where the speed limit is their for their protection, then the minimum expectation on my part is that I watch for them and proceed at a speed that will allow me to react in time in the case they step out in front of me.

There was a very good radio ad that ran in England last year. It was the sound of a car hitting a kid at 35mph, then silence. Then the announcer states that the next sound is a car hitting a kid at 25mph, with a thump followed by loud crying.

The ending message: if you hit a child while driving at 35mph, there is an 80% chance that you will kill that child. If you hit a child while driving at 25mph, there is an 80% chance that the child will survive.

Your call, tattooed backward yankee cap dude......

A Memorial Day observation

2009-05-26T09:53:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

I trust that you had an enjoyable weekend with you family during the Memorial Day weekend. Since my brother served in Iraq I try to take the time to thank the members of the US military who sacrifice so much for our personal freedom.

With that said, I think many war veterans get a raw deal from the country that is willing to give them a day a year but not the medical care they deserve.

In my naivete, I had hoped that Vietnam was the last major conflict that the men and women in uniform would have to suffer from the after effects of the experience of war. However, with the Iraq conflict, their is an entire generation younger than myself or my peers that have just begun their struggle against post traumatic stress disorder brought on by the events of the war that they have shouldered on our behalf.

This weekend, Cathleen Whitley wrote an excellent opinion in the LA Times that drove home this point. I would recommend reading it as, in my opinion, it hits home very directly.

We as a nation are great at thanking our veterans with a hand shake and a free round at the local bar, but when the fanfare dies down and the soldier is back in civilian life, we fail them at the time of their greatest need, the need to remove the shame associated with PTSD and recognize that it is not a sign of weakness, but an increasingly ignored cry for help.

My dream for Memorial Day in ten years time? That I don't drive by a city park inhabited by homeless vets that we shook hands with and bought rounds of beer for those ten years earlier.

Charge it.... or just shoot it, my good man!

2009-05-20T04:57:00.000-07:00

(Please note that this is written in 21st century Victorian, translation is below)

My Dear Congressman,

I send this dispatch with sincere thoughts and prayers that it finds you and the beloved members of your domicile of excellent constitution and of favorable disposition. In reference to my own ignoble circumstances, I would be of dubious manner to make declaration of that matters of social and financial natures were not of an acceptable character in the present juncture, so it is with all vivacity that I report to you the amiableness from which I currently preside.

I feel I would be remiss as your most meek and humble servant if I were not to bring to your attention a concern, though minor in its intrinsic disposition, that raises the question of the willingness of the political establishment for which you honorably serve to dutifully focus upon the veracious requirements of the people of this good and bountiful land. It is but a trivial matter, but no truer its existence does but demonstrate this very inclination toward so vile and deceiving a practice.

During my morning ritual of reflection and contemplation of the various sources of information made available to myself, I have become aware that your accomplished and well-meaning colleagues have rightfully judged it of utmost necessary to curb the depraved and contemptuous practices of the money lending establishments, lest they continue to turn virtuous and wholesome people of this land into mere shells of themselves, only good for chains and drab tides that debtor's prison will so surely bring them. One of your compatriots did not share of this conviction so freely, as they saw opportunity of a selfish and prejudiced denomination. To that of which I speak, already know to you, is the brackish codicil that against good taste and common sentiment would sanction rogues and boors of an unsavory sort to cavort in our most prized National landmarks while ladened with accoutrements for purposes unknown.

I sincerely beg of your Grace, please advocate to your esteemed journeymen with the most expedient tone and strength of heart that the addendum is of a caliber not worthy of consideration of merit that would be due from a celebrated and exceptional assemblage such as the category your peers are presumed to be akin.

I remain your loyal and humble servant,

Translation:

Dear Congressman,

How are you? I am fine.

Got a complaint. Nothing big.

The credit card bill is good. Tacking on a rider allowing firearms in National Parks is crap.

Tell everyone.

Later,

Why I hate looking for lawyers (part 2)

2009-05-18T12:44:00.001-07:00

Dear Congressman,

To continue from Friday's search, I called another local Butler county law office to find an attorney to take care of filing the form I need for inventory on probate. Here was the conversation last Friday:

Receptionist: Greade, Greade, and Fehr, Penelope speaking, how can I help you.

Me: Hi Penelope, I found your law firm in the yellow pages and I am looking for someone to file a form I need for my probate inventory.

Penelope: Mr. Wolf handles probate matters in the office but he has left for the day. If you leave your name and number I can have him call you on Monday morning?.

Me: Thanks Penelope.

I look at my watch and notice that it is only 2:45. Must be nice to be able to keep bankers hours.

Lets fast forward to Monday. It is now 3:30 in the afternoon and still no return call from Mr. Wolf. Thus I dial the phone.

Receptionist: Greade, Greade, and Fehr, Penelope speaking, how can I help you.

Me: Hi Penelope, I called on Friday regarding a probate inventory matter and, I believe it was you, referred me to a Mr. Wolf, who was going to return my call this morning. However, I haven't heard from him so I am just following up.

(definite pause)

Penelope: Mr. Wolf is currently at lunch. Would you like me to take your name and number and have him call you after he returns.

Me: (puzzled) Yes, thank you , Penelope.

Now, for the record, I googled this guy. Mr. Wolf is a junior member of the law firm with only a couple years of experience, so I seriously doubt he is still at lunch at 3:30 in the afternoon. That kind of longevity of dining hours is reserved for senior partners only.

So unless I hear from Mr. Wolf sometime this afternoon it is back to the drawing board....

sigh....

Why I hate looking for lawyers

2009-05-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Since your background is not law I will take the liberty of using this forum to vent about something other than your six pack a day smoking habit.

Since the passing of my mother, I have spent copious amounts of time working on the probate of her estate. As part of this I am required to sell her condo, which is being fixed up as we speak and getting ready to go out on an already glutted Cincinnati real estate market.

As part of the probate process in Butler County, a certification is required that shows that the property deed for real property in Probate was examined by an attorney. Everything else a lay person can do, however an attorney must perform this task.

Since I have never had occasion to retain council, I broke out the old yellow pages and began the search for local attorneys that advertised handling probate matters. I found several, wrote down there information, and decided to make calls last Friday to see if I could have one perform the task in question.

The first one I contacted was a small local Hamilton Ohio firm that appears to practice in the area that was of my personal interest. Here is a transcript of that call. (the name of the firm has been changed to protect... well.... me!)

Receptionist at Law Firm: Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe, this is Claudette speaking, how can I direct your call?

Me: Good afternoon, I have probate matter that requires a filing of a document with the Probate Court by an attorney and wondered if .....

Claudette (cutting me off in mid sentence in a very icy tone): I'm sorry, we don't give out free legal advice over the phone. You will have to come in to meet with someone. Hold on, let me check next week's schedule.

(Hold music begins to play)

Claudette: Mr. Cheatem has an opening on Tuesday morning or Thursday afternoon.

Me: What time on Tuesday morning as I have to come up from the airport to...

Claudette: (again, not letting me fully finish my thought) that would be at 11:00am.

Me: No, I a meeting that I can't reschedule and by Thursday I was hoping to have this matter completed so I will have to decline. Good day.

Click.....

Soccer Theatre

2009-05-15T06:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

As you are well aware, my family immigrated to the US back in the late 60's, with my father accepting a job at the General Electric Evendale aviation facility. We have all become naturalized citizens, however the passion for that sport panned in the US but loved worldwide remains with us, as my father and I still regularly try to get together to watch an English soccer match on weekends.

This season in the English Premier League, they instituted a fair play policy that made it a penalizable offense if someone other than the team captain complains to the referee.

However, this rule has not been instituted in the rest of European, so the affect has been that to see some really bad acting jobs you must now tune into the Italian or Spanish leagues. Here is a breakdown of the routine you will see throughout the European Leagues.

The referee has just blown the whistle to signal a foul. There are two common scenarios playing out now:

Offending player: The player who caused the foul at first acts nonchalant as the whistle is blown, stopping to turn and look toward the referee slowly.
Then, in a stroke of true performance, he gazes at the referee with a look of complete astonishment that the foul has been called against him.
After holding the look of incongruity as long as possible, he runs up to the referee to attempt to get him to change his mind. The incongruity is now morphing into anger, as the player stands very close to the referee establishing that 1) the ref has been out to get him the entire game, 2) the opposing team has committed more unrecognized offenses that the player will now list for the referee (not unlike the amazing recollection of events instantly quotable by your wife when you are arguing with her) and 3) that the ref is in fact responsible for everything that is wrong with the state of the economy and is the most despicable person on the planet.
Within 15 seconds of the rant starting, several teammates come in to assist the player with their thoughts and hand gestures for the referee to enjoy, which at this point the whole scene begins to look like a trading pit at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. In spite of the continued efforts of the player and his teammates, history has demonstrated clearly that these tactics have failed in leading to a reversal of the decision approximately 100% of the time in the last 120 years.
Once this piece of theatre is complete, the team disperses to defend against the free kick, while the original offending player moves quickly into the contempt phase of his performance, choosing to either completely ignore the referee or inform another player on the pitch of the alleged loose morals of the referee's mother.

Fouled Player: This performance, while requiring more physical skills, is actually an easier task then the offending player's role. In this case, whether the offending player lightly tapped him on the knee or shot him with a revolver, his job is to fall to the ground like he has been shot out of a canon and writhe around in agony only surpassed by someone suffering from the effects of the bubonic plague. Once he have done this for 10-30 seconds and the referee has come over to see if he is done acting or, in rare cases, actually does require the assistance of a physician, the fouled player must switch into accusation mode, lashing out at the offending player and explaining quickly to the ref that the extent of your injuries and potential loss of future livelihood makes it an undeniable requirement that the ref show a red card to the offending player and have him escorted off the field immediately.
Once back on his feet, the fouled player must hobble around for at least 2-4 minutes before resuming regular play for proper emphasis.

And you thought playing soccer was easy.....

Evolution - refrigerator style

2009-05-13T07:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Congressman,

Could not help sharing the following from this mornings news wire, as anyone who has ever worked in the corporate world has a similar story.

Rotten office fridge cleanup sends 7 to hospital

AP SAN JOSE, Calif. – An office worker cleaning a fridge full of rotten food created a smell so noxious that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and made many others ill.

Firefighters had to evacuate the AT&T building in downtown San Jose on Tuesday after the fumes led someone to call 911. A hazmat team was called in.

What crews found was an unplugged refrigerator crammed with moldy food.

Authorities say an enterprising office worker had decided to clean it out, placing the food in a conference room while using two cleaning chemicals to scrub down the mess.

The mixture of old lunches and disinfectant caused 28 people to need treatment for vomiting and nausea.

Authorities say the worker who cleaned the fridge didn't need treatment — she can't smell because of allergies.

With that said, our frig here in the lunch room has never reached the epic standards set by San Jose's ATT office. Normally, after space runs short, someone will step forward, analysis the contents of our unit, and sanitize it for good measure. We have occasionally found items in plastic containers way in the back that are attempting to evolve into higher life forms, but never has a Friday afternoon frig cleaning lead to the a visit from the Fire Department or the EPA.

And for the record, those are some pretty impressive allergies if 28 of your co-workers were blowing chunks and you did not even grimace....